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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Some advice before I dive in with a text and mess it all up!

77 replies

Littleneedy · 01/05/2021 08:53

Been with boyfriend 7 nearly 8 months. I like him an awful lot. But he never says anything nice to me. He has never said you look nice, miss you, still no I love you’s or anything emotional at all. I have said once that I missed his face and was responded to with more general chit chat.

I’m not sure if I’m just being needy and I feel like flat out asking him how he feels because I’m very confused. I feel I just need a little something.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/05/2021 13:01

Oh, I hate this accusation of “over-thinking”, mainly used by dick-head men to criticise women who have the temerity to make some kind of valid demand of them, in my experience. It isn’t “over-thinking”. It’s called “thinking”! All humans do it......

He sounds like a head-wrecker. You can do better......

TwoHoots74 · 02/05/2021 13:05

I have literally (today!) just dumped a guy who was very similar to your db.

It was always me initiating texts although he always promptly replied, me going to his house, zero compliments despite me saying to him I don't think you're that into me.

I didn't give it as long as you. I just know this isn't the kind of man I want to be with. I'm not in the slightest needy but a you look nice compliment once in a while wouldnt have gone a miss. I didn't make an effort the last time I saw him as I thought what's the point. That is so not me. He thought he could be distant but expect me to sleep with him. No thanks. I deserve better. As do you op.

billy1966 · 02/05/2021 13:08

OP,

You aren't happy.
You aren't enjoying it.
He is confusing you.

Dump him.
7/8 is when you should be having fun and certainly not being stressed by him.

When they are keen there really isn't confusion.

Don't allow him to drag you down.
No man is worth that.

Fifthtimelucky · 02/05/2021 13:08

The only thing I would add to what others have said is that, although it has been 7-8 months, it may not have been a normal sort of 7-8 months (because of Covid) and it may feel to him that the relationship has been shorter than it actually has.

That might not be applicable to your circumstances, but it's a possibility. If so, it should start feeling much more normal now, and even more so in a couple of weeks.

Sundance2741 · 02/05/2021 14:06

You can't make him do or say the things you want. And if you could, they would be hollow. I think you know when someone likes you - they're keen to see you, interested in what you do and say and are fun to be with etc. If you're not feeling it, then I doubt he is either.

Original poster

Littleneedy · 02/05/2021 14:16

God I feel like a twat now for telling him my feelings. He is probably thinking wtf is with this women and like you said it won’t change anything.

OP posts:

KinseyWinsey · 02/05/2021 14:18

You're not a twat for telling him your feelings.

You're normal. An expressive human.

He is the odd one.

This will not be the first time it's happened.

HollowTalk · 02/05/2021 14:22

There's someone much better out there, OP. This one will have you secondguessing yourself constantly. And when he says, "That's just me" then it means he's not going to even think about changing. There's no point hanging on to this one.

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/05/2021 14:39

YOU ARE NOT A TWAT! Sorry for shouting, but you just aren’t! Don’t let him make you feel like that. You’ve been together 8 months. It’s not like you have told him how you feel after 8 days or summat!

OP, you sound like a lovely, sane, thoughtful, considerate woman. Don’t let this man make you doubt that!

I’ve been with my boyfriend literally one month longer than you and this fella, and we have discussed all kinds of things - the future, marriage (he needs to get divorced first 🤦🏼‍♀️), whether we would try for kids (probably not, given my age, but it’s not impossible), where and how we might grow old together. None of this might work out, obviously. But what would be the point in us pretending to be a couple indefinitely, if we both wanted totally different things? AND, we both just said we wanted a no-strings fling when we started! So it’s not like we were on some pre-agreed track to forever.....

It’s not like you and your fella are teenagers - grown-ups can’t be fucking around forever just “seeing how it goes”. There is NOTHING abnormal about you, OP. You’ve been emotionally intelligent and mature for putting how you feel out there. You’ve given him a chance to step up. His loss if he chooses not to take it. And your gain, as he is setting you free now to meet someone who will meet your needs. And now you can look back with no regrets, knowing you didn’t dick around, but gave it your best shot.

We always regret the things we didn’t say and do, much more than the things we did.

Teatimes2 · 02/05/2021 14:48

OP, I posted back in February about asking my boyfriend how he felt about me. To my shock he said he'd never been in love with me and we were together almost 5 years! I was devastated. He could never talk about emotions, feelings etc, but I presumed he wouldn't be with me if he didn't love me after all this time. I felt used and discarded. Now, I'm kicking myself that I didn't ask this question much earlier. This man is late 50s, never married, a string of failed relationships behind him, mine being the longest. In short, you're right to question things now. I wish I had.

billy1966 · 02/05/2021 16:35

You are not a twat OP.

He just probably isn't for you.

GreenDahlia · 02/05/2021 17:30

He's giving you nothing back OP.. its all very vague, loose plans, visit whenever.

It's not for you lady, move on 🌸

YoniAndGuy · 02/05/2021 17:49

Hmm, well I'm not seeing someone very shy, tbh, I'm seeing a person perfectly happy to be pretty bullish about not even trying to engage, communicate or meet any partner half way. 'Take me as you find me' 'Well I ain't gonna change!' Then putting you down, sneering at your point of view? Right. No thanks.

Not shy, and also selfish and entitled - he honestly thinks that him just being there, allowing you to visit and giving absolutely shit all back, is enough. Complacent. He's got his woman and he's not kicking her out of bed, what the fuck more does she want? Not worried in the slightest that, you know, you give nothing, they might just lose interest...

You do just that. Move on. Don't bother texting. Don't contact him. And when HE gets in touch with you, all affronted, all 'why aren't you fawning over me and doing the running and making the plans' - well you just kind of shrug and say, well, I wasn't getting much out of it really....and you've been clear that you're not going to change so i'm out. Maybe if you want to keep a partner, you should change...Good luck with the next one!

YoniAndGuy · 02/05/2021 17:51

@Littleneedy

God I feel like a twat now for telling him my feelings. He is probably thinking wtf is with this women and like you said it won’t change anything.

You're not, though. You're a normal person wanting to have an adult relationship, not some bloody teenage nonsense with a twat who's effectively deaf and dumb until he wants a shag. Men like this deserve to end up alone, master the bloody basics at least!!

Original poster

Littleneedy · 02/05/2021 18:01

Yes that’s exactly how it feels, like I’m doing all the chasing and he gets to enjoy that I say I miss him, like him, want to see him but does not do that in return...it feels odd.

OP posts:

GreenDahlia · 02/05/2021 18:28

@Littleneedy

Yes that’s exactly how it feels, like I’m doing all the chasing and he gets to enjoy that I say I miss him, like him, want to see him but does not do that in return...it feels odd.

there's better round the corner for you 🌸

Tenniblues · 02/05/2021 18:40

Do you really want to waste your time with someone who can't compliment you or who you feel a twat because you text home your feelings

This isn't conducive to a happy healthy relationship.

Your partner should be your number one champion and tell you you're gorgeous even when you're ill or hungover or not having the best day. He should also be the person you can open up to and not get anxious around.

You could meet someone tomorrow who adores you and you can be yourself with.

Raise the bar.

billy1966 · 02/05/2021 22:12

@Littleneedy

Yes that’s exactly how it feels, like I’m doing all the chasing and he gets to enjoy that I say I miss him, like him, want to see him but does not do that in return...it feels odd.

You have answered your own question.

If that's how you feel, why are you doing it?

Why are you doing "all the chasing"?

Stop it.

Stop chasing him.

BrilliantBetty · 02/05/2021 22:18

Sounds like perhaps you aren't the best fit?

There's no fun in always being the keen one that has to suggest everything, sort everything etc. It gets boring and frustrating.

RantyAnty · 02/05/2021 22:37

Delete and block him.
Life's too short to waste it with this headfuck.

Thelnebriati · 02/05/2021 22:45

End it, he'll turn round later and say 'you knew what I was like, you did all the chasing''.

katieg03 · 02/05/2021 22:51

All this time you might invest being with him is time you could be with someone way more emotionally available! I'd finish it too. I'm similar. 36 and on my own with two boys and just don't have the patience to be with someone uninvested. What's for you won't pass you by as they say! X

Honeyroar · 02/05/2021 22:54

@Littleneedy

I just don’t have the energy to try and figure it out. Maybe it’s just me but it shouldn’t be hard work.

You wrote this. Remember it. You were honest, you told him you were feeling confused by his almost indifference. You gave him a chance to give you a few signs that he cared, and he’s pretty much thrown it back in your face saying you’re over thinking. You’re absolutely right, it shouldn’t be this much work, particularly at only eight months in.

AlmostSummer21 · 02/05/2021 23:05

@Littleneedy

Well now I’m a little pissed as he has said I over think too much.

Bin

If a mans response to you opening up about how you feel is that, then he needs to be dumped from a height.

You deserve better than this.

AlmostSummer21 · 02/05/2021 23:08

It's not you who is the twat here

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