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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some advice before I dive in with a text and mess it all up!

77 replies

Littleneedy · 01/05/2021 08:53

Been with boyfriend 7 nearly 8 months. I like him an awful lot. But he never says anything nice to me. He has never said you look nice, miss you, still no I love you’s or anything emotional at all. I have said once that I missed his face and was responded to with more general chit chat.

I’m not sure if I’m just being needy and I feel like flat out asking him how he feels because I’m very confused. I feel I just need a little something.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 02/05/2021 08:08

Do you feel confident enough to ask him?

Just casually in a suitable conversation "so how do you see our relationship developing? Do you see it as a bit of a flying or are you hoping for a longer term thing?"

Leave it open ended. His initial reaction and comment should give a good guide to his feelings.

It's worth a go at least. Openness is always good in a relationship. You already suspect that he may not be looking at a serious, long term relationship so you are prepared for that. If it was me I'd like to hear what he is thinking.

A casual question like that after 8 months isn't demanding or clingy. It's a perfectly reasonable question to ask.

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/05/2021 08:08

I just reread your last message. If you really like him, why not tell him how you feel. Do you consider yourself in love with him? If so, why not tell him. There’s nothing humiliating about it. Then you’ll know if he’s just shy (because he’ll have the confidence to say the same back once you’ve said it) or whether he’s just not that into you. At least you won’t be left guessing any more.......

Lindy2 · 02/05/2021 08:08
  • flying = fling.
Temp023 · 02/05/2021 08:13

I adore my husband, we have been very happily married for 20 years. He has only ever spontaneously told me he loved me once, he has only ever spontaneously admired my clothes once ( in his bridegrooms speech). This took some getting used to but I absolutely know he adores me, actions can speak louder than words!

Temp023 · 02/05/2021 08:14

8 months in, you are allowed to ask him how he feels about you and whether he sees a future.

Original poster
Littleneedy · 02/05/2021 08:15

He is very shy, I do know this. I’ve been through a lot, past abuse in my marriage. I don’t think I have the emotional energy to deal with this. I’m very much as it is, I like him I want to see him I go and see him. In return he seems to be waiting for me to go and is not really fussed whether I go over or not. For whatever reasons it’s not making me feel happy and after the shit I’ve been through I want to be happy. I’m not investing again and it be a waste.

OP posts:
SkankingMopoke · 02/05/2021 08:18

I think not saying affectionate things isn't necessarily an issue if affection is shown in other ways. Different people have different 'love languages' (wanky term, but Google-able). DH and I rarely say lovey stuff. We do a mixture of the other 4 'languages' though.
However, it doesn't sound like you are getting any/much of the other stuff? I would say your confused feeling is because he either isn't that into you, or your ways of showing/communicating affection aren't compatible. Neither option would have me hanging around TBH.

SortingItOut · 02/05/2021 08:21

So does he ever come to yours?
It seems a very one sided relationship.

Some people don't need compliments but it sounds like you do so end things and move on.

People are usually on their best behaviour this early in a relationship, imagine what he would be like in years to come.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 02/05/2021 08:32

I dumped a guy similar to your man, OP. Never once said anything nice to me, no compliments on my appearance or personality, nothing. No reaction at all from him when I complimented him which made me feel really silly.

It made me feel really insecure and I'm not normally an insecure person. I raised it with him and all he said was something like "that's not how I see it". Not good enough pal! It was game over for me.

Whenever I was tempted to go back to him "he wasn't that bad", I just imagined what it would be like being married to him for 10 years. 10 years of never being told I'm loved, never being desired other than physically having sex, never getting any compliments on my appearance or any of my achievements. Imagine the wedding day when everyone says you look beautiful, everyone but the one person you want to say it?

Emotionally unavailable men aren't for me at all. I want a man with at least a basic level of emotional intelligence.

Fireflygal · 02/05/2021 09:02

For whatever reasons it’s not making me feel happy

Focus on this and listen to your needs. It isn't your job to figure out why he is like this but you can choose to acknowledge your feelings and validate them. At such an early stage you should be feeling very appreciated. It will not get better so finish it and move on. Be ruthless in ending relationships that don't work as there will be other men.

bangheadhere40 · 02/05/2021 09:15

If he's not making you happy there's nothing to lose by asking...if his response isn't what you want then stop investing.

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/05/2021 09:18

I actually found the 5 love languages thing really helpful for reflecting on myself, and what I needed from a relationship going forwards (and I’m not a big one for that type of thing in general). My life coach put me onto it while I was in the throes of my awful 2 year relationship with my ex, and trying to work out what I was doing wrong (I wasn’t actually doing anything “wrong” - I was just being me with my own needs, which didn’t work for him). They are something like:

Acts of service
Quality time
Physical affection
Verbal affection
Gift-giving

I basically worked out that I need a man who is strong in all 5 to actually feel loved and secure (the gift-giving is the least important to me and the one I could possibly live without, but I still like it).

This might make me sound needy - but then I am strong in giving all 5 as well, so I think that’s ok (maybe less the acts of service than the others, but I still definitely do that too).

My ex didn’t really do any of them! Apart from quality time, he was OKish at that. And acts of service sometimes, but that was still sporadic.

Current man does all 5. Very physically and verbally affectionate; he buys me little things all the time (he doesn’t have much money so it is just small things, but it’s the thought that counts). He spends all of what little free time he has available with me; he will drive hours to see me even tho it means he has to get up at some insane time in the morning. He covers all bases, so I KNOW he loves me.

That’s not to say he’s perfect by any stretch - I don’t think anybody is (certainly not me) - he can be a moody sod at times for example, and he doesn’t always want to discuss and analyse my problems in the forensic depth I would like to! And he doesn’t say sorry easily, or consider carefully enough when he might be in the wrong, in my opinion. But because I feel very loved on lots of important levels (for me) it’s much easier to tolerate his emotional vagueries, and I feel motivated to learn to fit around them. Because I am getting what I most importantly need.

I would honestly recommend the love languages thing to anyone who is currently reflecting on why their current relationship isn’t meeting all their needs, or considering what they might want going forwards.

Dery · 02/05/2021 09:20

My DH has never been one for words but he showed he cared through action so I knew how he felt. I agree with PP - if you’re confused or unsure about how he feels 7-8 months in, it’s because he’s just not that into you. If he cared enough, you wouldn’t feel so much doubt.

Original poster
Littleneedy · 02/05/2021 09:22

I just don’t have the energy to try and figure it out. Maybe it’s just me but it shouldn’t be hard work.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 02/05/2021 09:27

@Littleneedy

I just don’t have the energy to try and figure it out. Maybe it’s just me but it shouldn’t be hard work.
No, you’re right. Plenty more men out there - you’ll find one who makes you feel good about yourself. And it’s not “just you” in a bad way. You are totally entitled to need what you need from a relationship and go looking for it. It took me a while to realise this, but it was a massive relief when I did. There is no “too needy”. Your needs are just part of who you are - we’re all human, we all have them. Some need more space and distance and freedom, some need closeness and intimacy and reassurance. Neither is wrong or right.

You sound like a great person OP and I’ll bet you bring lots to a relationship too. So you’re perfectly entitled to want to get back what you need, and when that isn’t happening, to call time on it.

Tigertiger78 · 02/05/2021 10:25

You sound fed up op and that, for me, would be enough to end it. When you text him how you felt he didn’t react by calling you or texting you to reassure you. I think that says it all. If I really liked someone and they started doubting how I felt - I would be doing my utmost to reassure them.
I would have a chat and end it, I doubt he’ll put up any fight and then you’ll know for sure x

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/05/2021 10:28

@billy1966

I wouldn't say anything.

Are his actions kind and generous?

Look at his actions.

If they are very good, give him some time.

But if you feel you just can't do that, then go ahead.

I would wonder are you a very needy?
If you think you might be, work on it for yourself.

Flowers

She isn't needy Confused
ElspethFlashman · 02/05/2021 11:21

I would be exhausted by it.

Couldn't be arsed.

Yeah there are guys who are just too emotionally stunted to even act like they give a shit......but I wonder what women puts up with it.

We aren't being princesses just to want to feel that someone is actually really into us! Angry

Misty9 · 02/05/2021 11:23

I'd say, listen to your gut. If you're driving everything then he's not matching your effort and you deserve more. It shouldn't be this hard.

Allwokedup · 02/05/2021 11:58

You’re allowed to want what you want from your relationship. He’s not giving you emotionally what you want.

Original poster
Littleneedy · 02/05/2021 12:40

I’m just at that age now and I have a younger child where I can’t be dealing with uncertainty.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 02/05/2021 12:51

@Littleneedy

I’m just at that age now and I have a younger child where I can’t be dealing with uncertainty.
I hear you. Sounds like the whole thing is a bit of a head-wreck. So are you gonna speak to him, do you think?
Original poster
Littleneedy · 02/05/2021 12:51

Well now I’m a little pissed as he has said I over think too much.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 02/05/2021 12:54

Ugh he sounds so passive aggressive - you’re getting nothing from him.

What an absolute privilege for you to invite yourself over, hoping for one tiny scrap of a kind word Hmm

Dump him. This is hurting you.

MiaRoma · 02/05/2021 12:59

@Littleneedy

He is very shy, I do know this. I’ve been through a lot, past abuse in my marriage. I don’t think I have the emotional energy to deal with this. I’m very much as it is, I like him I want to see him I go and see him. In return he seems to be waiting for me to go and is not really fussed whether I go over or not. For whatever reasons it’s not making me feel happy and after the shit I’ve been through I want to be happy. I’m not investing again and it be a waste.

He's not giving you what you need. Its not his fault as such, it's just who he is.

But life is way too short to be with a man who can't once in a while say

'oooo you look lovely tonight. I'm so glad that you came over to see me , i always look forward to seeing you'.

Hes not not saying it because he's shy. He's not saying it because he's not the sort of person who says it

Get rid if you're not getting your needs met