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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We met in a running club, now we've broken up.

51 replies

Teatimes2 · 30/04/2021 19:33

I posted about my breakup about 10 weeks ago. We met years ago in a running club and were friends before we got together, which lasted for 5 years, when he ended it by telling me he'd never loved me. I'm still struggling but feeling a bit stronger. The club is resuming now after lockdown. I know there's no way he'll leave the club so I'm not going back. Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

justawoman · 30/04/2021 19:34

Do you mean that you’ll miss the club? Is there another one you can join? Or does it have different activities on different nights and can you agree to go on different days, if so?

JobHunting10 · 30/04/2021 19:46

He never loved you in 5 years? What an utter jerk. Sorry I know this doesn’t help your situation re the running club. If anyone should leave, it should be him!

pog100 · 30/04/2021 20:04

I think "who gets the XXX club" is quite a common problem after a split, since many people either meet at a club or have shared hobbies.
Of course the grown up thing would be for both of you to go and be civil. I can quite understand why this won't happen though. Not sure why you need to be the one to give up the club but I think you need to find another one, or something similar, if you like it a lot.
I'm sorry, splits are shit, he sounds really shit. You will be fine though!

ScrambledSmegs · 30/04/2021 20:11

No way should you have to give up your club - he's the one who behaved badly! Hold your head up high, be civil when you have to come into contact with him and enjoy running with your club again. The anticipation of the first event will be the worst bit, after that it will be ok.

Please don't give up something you enjoy because your ex is a shit.

JobHunting10 · 30/04/2021 20:13

Come to think of it, you may find a better club and it could be a nice fresh start for you to meet new people and may enable you to move on better / quicker. Just an idea.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 30/04/2021 20:13

I think lots of people have been in the situation where they want to avoid seeing their Ex, yes.

saltychoc · 30/04/2021 20:18

My ex still works in the same office as me - we just ignore each other and it works fine (we are not in the same department thankfully) but before lockdown we would see each other most days Mon-Fri

Original poster

Teatimes2 · 30/04/2021 21:13

I definitely don't want to be seeing him. I think my best option is to wait a while and join another. I'll miss the gang at the old one though.

OP posts:

pog100 · 30/04/2021 21:25

Depending on his behaviour and standing he might find himself out of favour? Just take it easy, it will all work out one way or another

38greenbottles · 04/05/2021 10:04

The gang at the old club will miss you too.
I would say that when I was younger I really didn't know how to deal with conflict and unpleasant situations like this, and as a result missed out on quite a lot of gatherings and parties and activities. I was cutting off my nose to spite my face as they say.
I learned something important, which is anticipatory feelings are NOT a good sole guide to how things will feel like in the moment and, whether you'll be glad you did them, afterwards.
If you treat this as a learning opportunity, put on your big girl pants, go to YOUR club and interact with him with a minimal chilly civility, you will

keep your friends and club
be a stronger, less fearful person in general. In future - say you had a big bust-up with someone at work - you'll be confident that you can deal with it. And that's worth a huge amount.

Ask a clubmate or two to just be there for you if needed - just to make sure you've always got a friend next to you.

After a few weeks things will be better and you'll be glad you stayed.

Homehelpneeded · 04/05/2021 10:10

@38greenbottles

The gang at the old club will miss you too. I would say that when I was younger I really didn't know how to deal with conflict and unpleasant situations like this, and as a result missed out on quite a lot of gatherings and parties and activities. I was cutting off my nose to spite my face as they say. I learned something important, which is anticipatory feelings are NOT a good sole guide to how things will feel like in the moment and, whether you'll be glad you did them, afterwards. If you treat this as a learning opportunity, put on your big girl pants, go to YOUR club and interact with him with a minimal chilly civility, you will

keep your friends and club
be a stronger, less fearful person in general. In future - say you had a big bust-up with someone at work - you'll be confident that you can deal with it. And that's worth a huge amount.

Ask a clubmate or two to just be there for you if needed - just to make sure you've always got a friend next to you.

After a few weeks things will be better and you'll be glad you stayed.

This is wonderful, wonderful advice. Not the same situ but a few months ago I signed for a course, I was was nervous I almost didn't go, thank god I actually did in the end, it was the best thing.

Follow this advice, at least give your old club a try again, 5 years and he never loved you? Pfffttt.

Don't let this man win and take away something you love!

At least if you give it a go, if you really can't stand being there, you can know you've tried!

poppycat10 · 04/05/2021 10:41

At the moment my running club is doing small group sessions but they'll be normal very soon. When you've got 40 people in a group it's very easy to avoid someone. Also, do you run at the same pace - how likely is it that you'll actually be anywhere near him?

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/05/2021 11:00

Do not give up a your hobby !! He has been the a cruel knob for 5 long years he can fuck off , can you get word to him that you are coming ( with friends if poss ) and be all bright and happy (that will really piss him off )
Make him squirm !!!

Original poster

Teatimes2 · 04/05/2021 11:01

Thanks for the advice. I'm still struggling over two months now. I don't want him back but it's the fact he never loved me. I think I'll have to talk to someone professionally about it. I know the running is good for me.

OP posts:

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/05/2021 11:03

Ok here comes the un feminist advise .... there could have been someone in that group who has fancied you secretly and would love your sweaty pants off so go and see what happens

Allwokedup · 04/05/2021 11:19

I’d go, why should he push you out?

MMmomDD · 04/05/2021 11:24

OP - the only reason he said it was to hurt you for some reason. Or to burn bridges for himself. Says more about his frame of mind
than about you.
No one enters into a relationship and stays for five years without feelings.
Don’t trust the words said at breakup - over the experience you had in the relationship.
But I agree - you need to see someone to figure out why you are fixated on that.
Relationships end. It happens.
Doesn’t mean you are unworthy of love - in the present or past.

Put on your big girl running pants and go running with your fiends. Better yet - meet someone new there and be happy. Best way to get over someone.

duodunical · 04/05/2021 11:36

Did he tell you he loved you at any time during the 5 years OP?

wdmtthgcock · 04/05/2021 11:36

`I don't want him back but it's the fact he never loved me

I don't believe he never loved you and you should ignore this statement from him.
Plenty of people rewrite the narrative after a break up.
My ex claimed we'd never had much sex.... er.... we had absolutely loads until he started going out with his friends and getting wasted every night of the week.

I loved him but because of the way things have developed I can't remember loving him really so it would be quite easy to say "I never loved you anyway" (I haven't said that but I can see why people do say it).
It's just not true!!

As for the running club... go! I did something at the weekend which I had been avoiding because ex would be there and it was great (and he just slunk off afterwards....)
See what happens. Maybe he will leave and go to another club.

Horehound · 04/05/2021 11:40

I would also go.

Horehound · 04/05/2021 11:42

I also wouldn't believe his statement. Because it doesn't fit, does it? Sounds like he said it to hurt you or didn't love you in that moment but has forgotten how he felt earlier on in the relationship.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 04/05/2021 11:57

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Something that really helped me was sitting down in a glass of wine in a place I felt completely comfortable in and write down everything that was bothering me and why, it doesn't have to be legible, mine tore up about half thr note book and broke a pen but i felt so much better afterwards. I think I had so much bottled up I just didn't know how to start dealing with it.

Original poster

Teatimes2 · 03/10/2021 10:34

So it's 7.5 months since we broke up. Although I do still think about it, I haven't really cried since July... until this week. I got a call from one of the running club organisers to see how I was, that they missed me. They also told me that he's been out, although not as often, and that they're going away next weekend to enter a race, which he's booked on. I told them I couldn't face going back to the club, certainly not at the moment anyway. I know this person meant well in ringing me, but it's set me back this week and I'm angry that he's returned and normal life has resumed for him. I've been continuing to run myself and am enjoying it, although not going as far. Friends also think I'm letting him 'win' by not returning but I've decided this is what's best for me. Is it ridiculous to feel upset over this this week? The club was a part of my life for many years.

OP posts:

Marjoriedrawers · 03/10/2021 10:59

But surely if it's where you met the club has been partnif his life for years too. I know it's tough but you can't expect people not to try and get back some semblance of normality after a break up, or at least not to want that. What about a different club?

twoandeights · 03/10/2021 11:07

I agree with your friends. You are letting him win. He’s pushed you out of something you love. I don’t know any other club where the organiser would ring to say they missed that person! Speak to that person and ask to be signed up to runs he’s not part of? Go back. Yes you broke up but he can be a stranger. You have friends there to! You must want to go back or you wouldn’t be posting about it.

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