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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We met in a running club, now we've broken up.

51 replies

Teatimes2 · 30/04/2021 19:33

I posted about my breakup about 10 weeks ago. We met years ago in a running club and were friends before we got together, which lasted for 5 years, when he ended it by telling me he'd never loved me. I'm still struggling but feeling a bit stronger. The club is resuming now after lockdown. I know there's no way he'll leave the club so I'm not going back. Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

daylilies · 03/10/2021 12:04

Just some suggestions:
I would advise not to think about 'winning' or 'losing' but thinking about your needs and wants. In particular needs being more important than wants.
I think you 'want' to hide but maybe 'need ' to get back to the club?
Don't think of it a a setback too. The organiser has reached out to you, why? Focus on the positive. All they have done is made you confront something you have been ignoring?
You may choose not to go back to the club but let it be your choice?

promomo · 03/10/2021 12:14

What @38greenbottles said. Hold your ground at the club.

sonjadog · 03/10/2021 12:33

You are letting him win. 7.5 months after your break up you are letting him have so much power over you that you are not doing something you want to because of him. Don’t let anyone, especially someone you used to date, have that kind of power over you.

The first time to see him will be odd and painful, the second less so and after a while it won’t bother you. But that first odd painful meeting has to be got over first. If you actually want to go back to your club, then that is what you do. Or if you want to join a different club, then go do that. But take back the power from him to decide over your life and do exactly what you want to do.

No-one dates someone for five years without feelings. But people commonly rewrite history when they break up as they don’t want to feel like the bad guy. So as a rule, if someone says something like that when they break up, don’t take it to heart if it doesn’t tally with your own recollections.

meanderingthrough · 03/10/2021 12:34

That was a kind gesture, focus on that. Arrange to go and meet with a running buddy to ease yourself back in. Chances are he might not be there anyway. You need your running, and it’s always nicer with company. Keep it low key and try front it out, you’re presumably among friends. You’re going to bump into this guy in Tesco anyway! Don’t make people pick sides, focus on the running. A few years ago in my club there was a minor feud amongst warring partners. That won’t happen to you. Onwards!

dottiedodah · 03/10/2021 12:39

38GreenBottles is right here.It will be very hard ,but you have as much right there as he does! The first few weeks will be worse then you will feel easier

Ourlady · 03/10/2021 12:45

There's no way I would let some lying little twat of a man ruin my enjoyment of a club.
He's probably only said he didn't love you to hurt you.
I think it will do you good to face him at the club with your head held high. Why should he spoil your enjoyment of a thing you love and people you like to run with.
Time to get tough OP, concentrate on what you want and don't give him a second thought.

YouTubeAddict · 03/10/2021 12:46

Do you have one or two particularly good friends at the club you could go with the first couple of times? It might not be as bad at you think.

Original poster

Teatimes2 · 03/10/2021 14:11

Thanks. Yes, I appreciated the phone call. I haven't made a decision yet anyway re this club/ new club/ no club. This might seem like a minor issue but the club has been a big part of my life for many years.

OP posts:

38greenbottles · 03/10/2021 16:28

Also what sort of complete weirdo stays for five years with someone he doesn't love? PPs have quite rightly said that the person he was did love you, and then things changed.
And he has neither the sense nor the skills to part from you diplomatically, but instead, has made himself out to be a spineless eejit!

I imagine if you turned up to the club you would be mobbed by your old friends delighted to see you and if idiot ex was there he would hang back shamefacedly and keep a big distance.

Like PPs have said, unless you run at exactly the same pace, just woman up and go back. Investing ten minutes of courage will pay back 100-fold.

Newgirls · 03/10/2021 16:33

I think ultimately you will feel worse not going to your club. You will miss it and the people.

Yes your first time there will be daunting but arrange to run with a friend and I bet it will be SO much better than you think. And far better than letting this sadness take over instead.

He will be old news one day honestly.

MzHz · 03/10/2021 16:35

Do you have contact with the other members of the club? Could you message them directly and see if you can arrange the odd run together so you can see how you feel?

I don’t think you should just walk away from the club, you’re as important to them as they are to you!

Unsure33 · 03/10/2021 17:00

I know I am a bit of a black and white person . I can’t help it

But why is it your problem that he said he did not love you ? He was the one living a lie , he was the idiot wasting his life for 5 years. He was the dishonest one. He was the deceiver as you obviously thought you were in a different relationship.

Why should you not go to your club. You are better off without him , he is a flawed individual not you .

Pull your big girl pants on , ask for support from one of your runner friends and go!

Put a smile on your face and show him you dont care about his life any more .

justaftb · 03/10/2021 17:18

Hi @Teatimes2 - I can totally relate. I broke with someone after more than 4 years just before Christmas. We met at a club, too, and I haven't been able to go back since. Amongst other things, he cheated on me with someone else who was new to the club and though I told him I would not give up the club I just couldn't face it when it resumed in April after lockdown. Because of lockdown, others won't have seen him with me one week, but turning up and flirting with her the next. They'll assume there was a 'break' between us breaking up and him meeting someone new. I knew she wouldn't stay away from the club when it resumed and I couldn't face seeing him behaving like the good guy others see him as. The way he treated me showed that he thinks I am a worthless person.

I miss the club so much. It was a big part of my life. A couple of times a week I think about it and get a lump in my throat and begin to well up. I made a couple of good friends there that I see, but I never told them the real reasons we broke up. They think I don't want to go back because I got dumped. I can't bear when they mention something about the club when we meet, I always switch the subject. It's had a big impact on me because I am living somewhere where I don't have family and very few friends. The club was my social life. Since Christmas I've spent most weekends alone. Sometimes, 3 or 4 weeks go by when I don't have any company.

I feel so incredibly sad about it. It's been a huge loss for me.

Chloemol · 03/10/2021 17:29

The club is part of your life, and they have phoned and told you they miss you

Go back, don’t let him dictate to you what you can and can’t do
Walk in head held high, you dint have to run with him, or have any contact with him. If asked why you so,it, be honest tell them what he said

Life can resume for you as well. But you are letting him dictate that it cant

Chloemol · 03/10/2021 17:30

It ended not you so.it

Learningtobeafeministagain · 03/10/2021 17:36

Please see this for what it is you have connections, friends that really miss you abs you miss them.

His comment shows you about him, not you, or indeed your relationship. He shows him for who he is and his comment is mirroring - he knows he’s not worthy of you. Please go - phone the friend back and say I want to come back - can I come with you and go earlier - so he walks in and your are there. But you only get one life - yes you can try another club but don’t let someone else take your friends and connections -they are want keep us sane. A quick nod to him or a casual hi and then go back to your conversation

Learningtobeafeministagain · 03/10/2021 17:37

sorry can’t spell or punctuate properly on this tiny phone !

Billandben444 · 03/10/2021 17:46

@justaftb
That's so sad 😔 Sending a massive virtual hug 🤗🤗🤗

SummerHouse · 03/10/2021 17:49

Go back. Be proud of yourself. Fuck him he's a sorry loser.

Go back just for one session. See how you feel. Just one session. If you don't feel right, find another club. This is 100% about you. You can do this. You need to do this to move on. Moving on might be continuing to go and loving it, it might be finding a new club.

Please, please go. This is so bloody unfair. I have used the f word and I hardly ever swear.

SummerHouse · 03/10/2021 17:52

Above is for you too @justaftb I have the rage for you too. These bastards!! No, not having it, it's too unfair!

justaftb · 03/10/2021 17:56

Thanks @Billandben444!

justaftb · 03/10/2021 18:06

@SummerHouse - Thanks. I also would probably advise someone else to go back but it's not something I can put myself through. I made a huge error of judgement ever being with and trusting him. I honestly never, ever want to see him again. That means never going back to the activity. I cannot put myself through pretending that I am 'fine' because I am so not fine right now.

But I'll be fine someday. Life goes on. This experience has been a big bump along the road, but there will be good times again.

Original poster

Teatimes2 · 03/10/2021 18:49

@ justaftb So sorry to hear what you've been through.

"I miss the club so much. It was a big part of my life. A couple of times a week I think about it and get a lump in my throat and begin to well up."

I can totally relate to feeling like this. My heart goes out to you. It's not easy... hopefully one day soon we'll be both back doing what we enjoy.

OP posts:

justaftb · 03/10/2021 19:10

@Teatimes2 - I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I can understand completely why it's hard to go back. It's heartbreaking on two levels.

Chloeblue · 16/11/2021 17:23

Just wondering did you make a decision on this, OP, a.s I'm in a similar position at the minute with a sports club I'm in, although not a running club?

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