Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Today discovered DH is having an affair

57 replies

Cupatee · 30/04/2021 16:33

So we’ve been together for nearly 20 years. He’s never been the romantic type or one to talk about feelings, I just thought he loved me in his own way.

When covid started, he is key worker so carried on going to work, while I’ve been working from home. He’s become more distant over the past year and seems not to care for me much, but we plodded along.

He started sleeping in the spare room a couple of months ago - we finally had a tearful convo where it came out that he’s been unhappy for a long time, and that we live like individuals and can’t carry on like this.

This came as a massive shock, I am not good with confrontation and get anxiety from time to time. He didn’t say he was leaving me, i said we could work on spending more time together and getting back on track.

He said he doesn’t know what he wants, that he needs to sort his head out. We eat together, watch tv together, he even took a day off and we went out waking together. We have been doing normal things together, going to shops, went for a meal out. Only difference is he sleeps in a different room. Seems like he’s giving it a chance?

But today found out he has been having an affair with someone he works with. He doesn’t know I know. I feel devastated, like my world has collapsed. I have no one to talk to about this, I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/04/2021 16:36

That's rubbish OP sorry. I would say, do nothing, and say nothing (to him) until you've had time to process it

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2021 16:38

Ugh god how awful for you. From reading other threads like yours and from people posting about "the script" it sounds like your DH is following it to the letter. If you can first of all I'd go stay with someone you're close to for a day or two, talk it out, get some support before you decide what to do next

DungeonKeeper · 30/04/2021 16:39

How is you find out? Have you got some evidence so he can't deny it?

DungeonKeeper · 30/04/2021 16:39

*did

cooperage · 30/04/2021 16:41

I'm so sorry Cupatee.

The only thing to do now is to take the time you need to take this bombshell in, and focus not on what he wants but on what you want and need for yourself at every stage of this painful process.

It takes ages to process this news and longer still to work out where to go from here.

Starstruck2021 · 30/04/2021 16:45

Sorry it seems like the signs were there. It’s still a shock though.

Do you have children?

Teapotsandtablecloths · 30/04/2021 16:48

I'm so sorry OP.

If you have evidence of it I'd keep it to yourself for now until you've worked out your next steps.

Take some time for you. Dont let on you know until you've decided what to do x

Original poster

Cupatee · 30/04/2021 16:50

@DungeonKeeper yes, emails on an ipad we share, don’t want to go into detail, but would be no denying it.

OP posts:

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 30/04/2021 16:50

He could be, but I think it unlikely that he’s giving it a try. If you’ve been together 20 years you have long term mutual friends and family ties. It’s more likely doesn’t want the fallout of leaving you for another woman so is hoping to frame it as an amicable separation; grown apart; tried to make it work, will always love her blah, blah.

Then X months down the line he’ll “meet” or “start a relationship” with other woman.

Don’t let him get away with that.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2021 16:51

Oh and copy those emails before he gets a chance to delete the evidence OP

Original poster

Cupatee · 30/04/2021 16:54

@Starstruck2021 I see now I’m going over his behaviour in my head over the past year - just been burying my head I guess. I don’t have kids, I’m stepmum to DHs DC but they are adults now and don’t live with us.

OP posts:

Allwokedup · 30/04/2021 16:58

Take copies of the emails. I’m sorry op. Can he be hiding money at all?

spongedog · 30/04/2021 17:08

Take time for you. But make sure you understand your joint and sole assets. Take copies of any important paperwork and keep elsewhere.

Original poster

Cupatee · 30/04/2021 17:12

I’ve got copies.
@Allwokedup possible I suppose.

OP posts:

WhySoSensitive · 30/04/2021 17:47

It sounds like he checked out and started his new life before ending his current one.
Sorry OP.

Itgetsthehoseagain · 30/04/2021 17:50

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

That's rubbish OP sorry. I would say, do nothing, and say nothing (to him) until you've had time to process it

I like this advice. Sometimes "do nothing" is an action in itself, whilst your brain catches up.

SunshineCake · 30/04/2021 17:51

I'm sorry you've had this horrible shock.

As for what you do now, what do you want to do ?

You'll get posters telling you you should leave immediately and divorce him as always a cheater, etc but this is your life and your marriage and you have to live with your choice. They don't.

Whatever you decide to do doesn't have to be forever.

Take some time, protect yourself.

haliborangemrmen · 30/04/2021 17:51

I'm so sorry. Men are shit. I think pretty much all have it in them to do this if the opportunity arises.

Good advice upthread to get to know your joint and individual financial positions. Get yourself calm and together before you address this with him. He will probably lie, and minimise and admit the least possible to try and make himself look better. He may also rewrite history, claiming to have been unhappy for years, even if your experience suggests otherwise. Expect also a list of reasons why this is your fault. It isn't your fault. He'll need to convince himself that his behaviour is completely justified and he was driven to it by his neglectful wife etc. You'll probably come out of conversations with him feeling utterly winded, and really low. Remember, this is his doing, he made the decision all by himself, it is NOT your fault.

It's probably sensible to see a lawyer to understand your position. It can be quite reassuring. After a long marriage you'll have a lot of rights.

Also, you don't have to make any decisions straight away. You may leave him, you may stay, or he may leave you. That's a problem for another day.

If you can tell someone in real life. It's a big thing to carry on your own. You'll probably be surprised by the level of support you get.

SunshineCake · 30/04/2021 17:52

I've just read the replies so far and I'm shocked they are as supportive as they are. Usually they are as I stated before.

Well done.

MustBeTheWine · 30/04/2021 17:54

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

That's rubbish OP sorry. I would say, do nothing, and say nothing (to him) until you've had time to process it

I agree with advice. You need time to process before telling informing him you know. Do you have a family member or friend you can talk to about this in the mean time? I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP 💐

DogsSausages · 30/04/2021 17:55

How awful to find out like this, dont do anything at the moment, you need quiet time to yourself to process this. Is he due home this evening and over the weekend. Can you keep yourself busy, keep out of his way, pamper yourself a bit if you can.

mrsbitaly · 30/04/2021 17:58

Here is a big virtual hug 🤗❤ I don't know what the right thing is to say, it's awful your having to go through this.

BrilliantBetty · 30/04/2021 17:58

Sorry OP.
You must be in shock.

How would you feel about some emergency counselling / therapist session to talk it through with someone in real life.

Whatever happens, the next period of time is going to be tough for you

Original poster

Cupatee · 30/04/2021 18:03

Thanks everyone you are all very kind.

All my close friends are married to his buddies, I can’t risk this getting back to him. I can’t put this on my elderly parents. Nobody at my work I could trust with talking about this. Feeling very alone with this right now, so thanks for the advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupatee · 30/04/2021 18:09

@DogsSausages thanks, good advice. he’ll be home soon. We’ve already made plans for bank holiday.

I won’t do anything yet, I definitely need to get my head round it first.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3