Today discovered DH is having an affair

[Cupatee]

So we’ve been together for nearly 20 years. He’s never been the romantic type or one to talk about feelings, I just thought he loved me in his own way.

When covid started, he is key worker so carried on going to work, while I’ve been working from home. He’s become more distant over the past year and seems not to care for me much, but we plodded along.

He started sleeping in the spare room a couple of months ago - we finally had a tearful convo where it came out that he’s been unhappy for a long time, and that we live like individuals and can’t carry on like this.

This came as a massive shock, I am not good with confrontation and get anxiety from time to time. He didn’t say he was leaving me, i said we could work on spending more time together and getting back on track.

He said he doesn’t know what he wants, that he needs to sort his head out. We eat together, watch tv together, he even took a day off and we went out waking together. We have been doing normal things together, going to shops, went for a meal out. Only difference is he sleeps in a different room. Seems like he’s giving it a chance?

But today found out he has been having an affair with someone he works with. He doesn’t know I know. I feel devastated, like my world has collapsed. I have no one to talk to about this, I don’t know what to do.

You must feel like you’re drunk. Dizzy, sick, unstable, vulnerable, just plain lost.

I think him saying he was unhappy and moving into the spare room was his way of ‘ rationalising ‘ his decision to have an affair and to detach himself from you.

Getting your ducks in a row is always good advice

But the mind and soul destroying secret knowledge of the affair will wreck you. You’ll constantly be treading on hot coals, thinking the worst when he’s not with you. Wondering if he’s on the phone to her when he’s glued to his phone. Wondering if he’s going to leave you for her.

Some time over the next few days, when he’s playing the martyr in his spare room bed, go in, sit on the edge of the bed and tell him you know about the affair.

Don’t get angry or upset, hold it in. Tell him you’d just like to know the truth. Tell him you’re incredibly hurt but if he doesn’t love you anymore and loves her, you need to be able to make choices and decisions about the direction you want your life to take, with or without him.

Maybe you / both can fix it. Maybe you can’t. But you need the pieces to the jigsaw puzzle before you can see the whole picture.

@Fabiofatshaft1 You must feel like you’re drunk. Dizzy, sick, unstable, vulnerable, just plain lost.
Yes exactly this! on top of 2 hours sleep. Anxiety overload! All this advice is helping loads, I’m getting calmer as the day goes on. Been out doing stuff, will try and eat something soon! Thanks all

Just lie low until you have a bit more energy. It is awful op. Awful.

@Ladybug123 Thanks ever so much for your advice. will deffo read up on chump lady

@Cupatee I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s pain like no other.
I would wait before confronting him if you can. If you want to find out what is really going on, you need to try to find out as much as you can before you tell him you know. Horrible thing to do, yes, but as soon as he realises you know, his damage limitation deleting finger will go into overdrive.
The penny dropped with me that my husband was having an affair. I found proof whilst he was asleep on the sofa (it was a weekend) and somehow I got through the evening and the night, (shock, I think) and let him go to work and the kids go to school the next day. I needed to know what I was up against.
I turned the house and garage over whilst I was on my own and whilst I still had the advantage that he thought I didn’t know. I wish I’d had the strength to hold out a bit longer to be honest. Hadn’t used the laptop in ages, tried to get into it and lo and behold he’d changed the password without telling me. He wasn’t that careful with his iPad however, which gave me a bit more info. I used the saved passwords in it to check out store accounts, hotel booking accounts and other stuff. His search history told me a lot too. I didn’t give a shit about snooping at that point. Once they know you know, there will be a delete-fest that will melt your Wifi giving plausible deniability. In the ‘never saved’ passwords section on his devices there will probably be a list of online accounts he’s either got or deleted. My husband had had to delete a jewellery retailer’s account he always used to buy presents for me, presumably because the order history also showed gifts for her that he couldn’t explain. His photos were synced with our computer. He’d been moving photos from his phone to his secret email address, but there was one he clearly hadn’t realised was still on his photo stream. This stuff vanished after I confronted him. I’d have never known how far it had gone if I hadn’t looked when he didn’t know I knew. I didn’t recognise him at this point. A terrible shock.
It was the day from hell, but with hindsight I was glad I’d had a chance to find more out.
Unless your husband really is just looking for an excuse to leave, there is a very good chance he will minimise everything when you confront him and probably only admit to what he thinks you definitely know. This stuff is crazy-making so being armed with facts really helps.
It might give you a chance to get your ducks in a row, if this is what you want to do, without his knowledge.
My life and my family were at stake at this point so I truly didn’t care what I did (I’d never snooped in my life before and it felt absolutely disgusting. I actually physically threw up several times that day) and to this day I don’t regret doing it.

Withdraw a huge sum for your new secret hobby to compensate for what you have lost in the financial 'arrangement'.
Then leave.

If Op has forwarded the e - mails to herself, and or screen shot them, what more evidence does she need !?

I’m betting the Op had started to piece together little things that seemed odd at the time, but make sense, now.

It would be interesting if Op could share some details of the ‘ cheating e - mails ‘ so we can better advise, support, and understand.