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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today discovered DH is having an affair

57 replies

Cupatee · 30/04/2021 16:33

So we’ve been together for nearly 20 years. He’s never been the romantic type or one to talk about feelings, I just thought he loved me in his own way.

When covid started, he is key worker so carried on going to work, while I’ve been working from home. He’s become more distant over the past year and seems not to care for me much, but we plodded along.

He started sleeping in the spare room a couple of months ago - we finally had a tearful convo where it came out that he’s been unhappy for a long time, and that we live like individuals and can’t carry on like this.

This came as a massive shock, I am not good with confrontation and get anxiety from time to time. He didn’t say he was leaving me, i said we could work on spending more time together and getting back on track.

He said he doesn’t know what he wants, that he needs to sort his head out. We eat together, watch tv together, he even took a day off and we went out waking together. We have been doing normal things together, going to shops, went for a meal out. Only difference is he sleeps in a different room. Seems like he’s giving it a chance?

But today found out he has been having an affair with someone he works with. He doesn’t know I know. I feel devastated, like my world has collapsed. I have no one to talk to about this, I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
itsureis · 30/04/2021 18:11

Well you'd be a better woman than me if you can just carry on as normal knowing what you know.

Do you not want to have that awkward conversation ASAP ? Because you can only start figuring out your emotions when you know what's going on ?

He may have checked out already and is waiting for the right moment (is there ever a right moment !) so why not just tell him what you know and decide what to do together?

If he's going to screw you over re. money or whatever then he'll try and do it anyway but surly you can't just carry on as you are as it's just prolonging the agony ? Best let him go now I'd say.

DogsSausages · 30/04/2021 18:11

Many of us here are awake all night so you will not be alone if you need us. What plans have you for the weekend.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2021 18:23

Is there anywhere you can go to for the weekend, OP? It's so awful for you, putting up with that shit and thinking it was a joint problem and now finding this out. Flowers

SandyY2K · 30/04/2021 18:25

Its good advice to process it before confronting him. Think about what you want yourself. Is this a line you cannot come back from.

Another thing I would advise, if not to reveal how you found out. If you have the individual's name, when you do decide to confront, just say you know he's having an affair with X.

Decide if you want to know everything. Be prepared for him to lie and deny.

BlueVelvetStars · 30/04/2021 18:42

Im so sorry OP 🌸

blisstwins · 30/04/2021 18:51

Don’t allow yourself to be gaslit by him. He did not come to you to tell you how he was feeling. Instead, he started an affair, created more distance and disengagement, and is now telling you he has been unhappy for a longer time. He is rewriting history to justify his actions. You are married. If he was unhappy he should have talked to you before starting an affair. He is a weak coward.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2021 18:56

I think if you can you're better off not talking to him about it for a little while. Look at your finances while he's unaware you know what's going on. When is he seeing her?

Happymum12345 · 30/04/2021 19:40

Bless you, I know just how you feel. My only advise is do what you really want to. If you want to try to work things out do, if you don’t, then leave.

BlackMarauder · 30/04/2021 20:15

I think pretty much all have it in them to do this if the opportunity arises.

@haliborangemrmen I thought I was alone in this thinking. That all men have this behavior in them. Even the perfect ones.

OP I'm sorry you're in this position but it seems like you sleepwalked into this. You both have major communication issues if you noticed he started sleeping elsewhere but said nothing. He's practically out the door with his new woman while tell you he doesn't know what he wants. Sorry to say, don't see you guys saving this. Seeing as he only fessed up about his unhappiness after he started the affair.

funnylittlefloozie · 30/04/2021 20:33

What do you mean, if this gets back to him? The shady scunner already KNOWS he's having an affair!

lmnohp · 30/04/2021 20:34

Can I ask ... what did you think when he moved out of the bedroom ? Were you happy about this ? Did you discuss it ?

Were you happy in the relationship or do you think that you have become just friends living together ?

You said that he is rather unemotional with you ... show are you with him ? Are you happy living like that or do you want more from a relationship ?

Original poster
Cupatee · 30/04/2021 20:45

Sorry I didn’t think I explained very well. He moved to the spare room the night we had the conversation where he said he wasn’t happy, which was a couple of months ago.

We have been spending more time together since then and (I thought) getting on better.

OP posts:
me4real · 30/04/2021 20:46

So sorry to hear this @Cupatee . Perhaps you could find a therapist or some support group so you can get some support through the process?

I think there was a group thread, or you could start a new one. There are some good FB groups I imagine or forums.

And you can always post on this thread of course. xx

momtoboys · 30/04/2021 20:54

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm even more sorry that you don't feel you have anyone IRL to talk to. As other posters have said, take your time and get your ducks in a row. Easier said than done, I'm sure.

momtoboys · 30/04/2021 20:54

@DogsSausages

Many of us here are awake all night so you will not be alone if you need us. What plans have you for the weekend.
This.
me4real · 30/04/2021 21:00

I'm quite a night owl, too, though trying to be more sensible. x

Shelleybe · 30/04/2021 21:44

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Such a shock and heartbreak. I know you said ye made plans for bank holiday but could you say that you aren’t feeling well and stay in bed so you can just take bit of time to yourself x

Sandra15 · 30/04/2021 21:53

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself

He could be, but I think it unlikely that he’s giving it a try. If you’ve been together 20 years you have long term mutual friends and family ties. It’s more likely doesn’t want the fallout of leaving you for another woman so is hoping to frame it as an amicable separation; grown apart; tried to make it work, will always love her blah, blah. Then X months down the line he’ll “meet” or “start a relationship” with other woman.

Don’t let him get away with that.

My brother did this. Two weeks after he left his wife and two sons because he "needed space", he came up with "Guess what? I met Karen from school down the pub last week, we went out for a meal last night and we got on like a house on fire".
Maze76 · 30/04/2021 22:23

So sorry- the same thing has happened to me only I’m 12 months down the line. As others have said be prepared to be blamed for the marriage ending- he will come out with a million nonsensical things you’ve done wrong- it’s all part of the ‘script’.
If I can the following advice- don’t let him know anything until you’ve sought legal advice. Confide in one person in real life if you can, if not, use MN. When he finally confesses, do not beg or cry or throw things.. it’s a natural reaction, but please try not to and do not contact the ow.
Do take time out for yourself. Cry in private or with your RL confidant, but do not let him see your pain- he doesn’t deserve any emotion from you. Like others have said, right now you hold the cards because you know more than he thinks, and with that you have some control. I’m sorry you ha e to go through this, it’s awful but with each passing days it does get easier.

thenewduchessofhastings · 30/04/2021 22:27

A "friend"of my DH's did this.I use the term friend loosely now as their not really friends anymore after this.

He was engaged to a lovely woman.Then out of the blue he broke things off.He had a female friend he met via his job who was 15 years younger than him (she was 21 at the time);his behaviour towards her made his fiancé slightly suspicious.

After breaking up with her he told everyone that his ex was a psycho and was making up stories of him cheating.He didn't move out straight away and when his ex returned home early from work one afternoon she caught the pair of them in her bed.She told people she'd caught them together but he denied it saying she was lying and that they were only having a cup of tea.

A few months after the break up he announces he was in a relationship with the OW and told everybody that it "just happened naturally after she was a good friend to him after his break up"

A year and a half rolls by and his girlfriend wishes him a happy 2nd anniversary on Facebook.

A scroll back through Facebook;at that time 2 years ago he was still with his ex,they'd been together for about 2 months prior to the break up but the build up had been going on before then.

His ex wasn't a psycho,she wasn't making stuff up either.It was him who was a lying shite and he'd lied to everyone.

Anyway Karma bit him on the arse big time.They were getting married (him and the ow),10 days prior to the wedding she called it off.She was sleeping with the best man.

She and the best man now live together/are expecting and his ex is happily married with twins now.He's still single.

Sandra15 · 30/04/2021 23:08

@thenewduchessofhastings "Anyway Karma bit him on the arse big time.They were getting married (him and the ow),10 days prior to the wedding she called it off.She was sleeping with the best man.

She and the best man now live together/are expecting and his ex is happily married with twins now.He's still single."

Don't you love it when that happens? I had a horrible relationship, put up with it for so long, realised he was acting weirdly over a weekend and told him I wanted out and told him to go, which he did with alacrity, to another woman who he had been cheating with all the time. He told people "she couldn't cope with me leaving, she tried to top herself".

He proposed to this girl in Rome, big flashy ring. Got married, lasted 18 months when she left him for another woman.

BlueVelvetStars · 30/04/2021 23:46

@thenewduchessofhastings

wow.. so glad for your friend 💕

Ladybug123 · 01/05/2021 07:11

Hi cupatee

Sorry I haven’t read the other posts but here’s what you need to do.

  1. you’ll be in absolute shock so take care of you, try to eat, keep hydrated and take exercise
  2. sweetie I hate to say this but if he’s having an affair you’ll need to book an STD test if you’ve had sex with him since the affair
  3. please try to internalise that none of this is your fault, there are many ways you can deal with unhappiness in a relationship he chose to do it by screwing someone else. It’s also amazing that they’re never ‘unhappy’ until they meet these women, their twuluv/soulmate whatever!
  4. seek legal advice and if you have any access to counselling get some. Contact your doctor. You will need support. You’re on the start of a shitty journey you should NEVER have been put on
  5. you have the trump card of knowing and can decide when to play it but whatever you do DO NOT play the pick-me dance, believe you and me this does not work. It’s counterintuitive but the best move forward is detaching from him, he is your enemy.
  6. read ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ this can help put things into some sort of perspective
  7. please please find someone to talk to about this. Until you’ve been through this it’s hard for people to understand the PTSD, the mind movies, the hyper vigilance, the trauma... talk to people who know. There is a forum on the net that is dedicated entirely to supporting you through. Please find it and read.

Again I’m going to repeat ‘none of this is your fault’ your confusion over his moving into the spare room ‘not your fault’ the distance in your marriage ‘not your fault as he was with someone else’

But mostly please take care of you. Honestly my heart breaks for you ❤️

spicysechuan · 01/05/2021 07:12

[quote Sandra15]@thenewduchessofhastings "Anyway Karma bit him on the arse big time.They were getting married (him and the ow),10 days prior to the wedding she called it off.She was sleeping with the best man.

She and the best man now live together/are expecting and his ex is happily married with twins now.He's still single."

Don't you love it when that happens? I had a horrible relationship, put up with it for so long, realised he was acting weirdly over a weekend and told him I wanted out and told him to go, which he did with alacrity, to another woman who he had been cheating with all the time. He told people "she couldn't cope with me leaving, she tried to top herself".

He proposed to this girl in Rome, big flashy ring. Got married, lasted 18 months when she left him for another woman.[/quote]
Brilliant

Ladybug123 · 01/05/2021 07:13

I’m going to add, I’m not shouting divorce. I’m shouting you do YOU right now! Plenty of time to see where all of this falls!

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