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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Help needed

22 replies

multiar · 30/04/2021 12:07

Basically I need to get out of a abusive situation and have no clue where to start.

41 no job, 2 kids (12&17) married 10 years. Have a joint mortgage and he has the majority of the savings. How do I get help with housing and money? I don't want to uproot the kids so it will just be me moving out, the sooner the better because my mental health is struggling. Please help

OP posts:

Palavah · 30/04/2021 12:10

Bump

sophmum31 · 30/04/2021 12:44

So sorry to hear you are in this situation. I think your first port of call should be woman's aid and be completely honest with them about your situation. It's also worth finding out what benefits you would be entitled to if you left.

I hope it all goes ok for you xx

Original poster

multiar · 30/04/2021 13:05

I've just registered on the local council site for housing but I don't know if it will work. I think I will get something in the post requesting I send them proof of things.

I've tried contacting women's aid several times but can never get through. I really don't want to go into details of the abuse I'm suffering as it's exhausting and very draining. I need to focus on my way out of this hell.

OP posts:

HumourReplacementTherapy · 30/04/2021 13:50

You'll get more replies in the relationships section
If you report your thread MNHQ will move it for you.
I'm sorry I do t have any advice but there are plenty of knowledgeable posters who will help.
Good luck

HumourReplacementTherapy · 30/04/2021 19:13

Bumping for you.

Wanderlusto · 30/04/2021 19:34

If it's just you going, then it might be worthwhile looking for a room on a site like spare room. Cheaper to rent a room (or room and bathroom) than a whole flat. Plenty of nice people around too sp you might end up making a friend from it too.

But share with women only as the wrong sort of man could take advantage of you in this situation by pretending to be an emotional crutch.

People might say you need a bedroom for the 12 year old though. Are you sure it's safe to leave them with their dad? Also, you need to make it clear you are not abandoning them or further down the line,their dad might use this to turn them against you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2021 19:43

I would make an appointment to see a Solicitor as soon as possible and get legal advice on separation and divorce particularly before you start moving out. You can also ask about potentially obtaining both non molestation and occupation orders against him. As the previous poster has noted, you moving out could be used by him against you when it comes to your children. And if anyone should move out here and now it’s your abusive husband and not necessarily you.

I would also suggest you go to Boots the chemist tomorrow and ask for Ani. The staff there will then direct you to one of their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support services.

Never be afraid to call the police either if you at all feel threatened emotionally.

funnylittlefloozie · 30/04/2021 20:52

Are you sure it's safe to leave your children with an abusive man who's going to be raging at the loss of his victim?

Watchingyouwazowski · 30/04/2021 21:29

Hi OP. I'm in a similar situation. If you can't get through to Women's Aid, try the National Domestic Abuse helpline. 08082000247.
I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to share but it will help you so much if you do.
I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship until I started googling my husband's drinking habits and I kept being presented with results highlighting emotional abuse. It's taken over 2 years to get from that point to him being out of the house. I couldn't have done this firstly without Google directing me to mumsnet and secondly by contacting a domestic abuse support network and subsequently starting the Freedom program.
Getting the domestic abuse support has really helped me take action. I could not have done it without it.

NotaCoolMum · 30/04/2021 22:43

@funnylittlefloozie

Are you sure it's safe to leave your children with an abusive man who's going to be raging at the loss of his victim?

I’m glad someone has pointed this out!! @multiar why on earth would you leave your children with an abuser???

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 01/05/2021 14:10

Afternoon, OP. We're really sorry to hear you're having to go through all this.

We just wanted to draw your attention to a couple of links at the top of this thread (it's pinned at the top of all the Relationships board threads). One is on Domestic Violence and one is on Relationships in general. We don't know what form your abuse is taking but there might well be some numbers and websites in there that are helpful for you.

We hope you manage to find a way out, anyway.

Stay safe.

Outbutnotoutout · 01/05/2021 16:50

If he is abusive why not call the police, don't leave your home and children

Original poster

multiar · 03/05/2021 13:59

He's not physically abusive and I know the kids aren't in danger. I just need to get out of this situation for my own health. Plus it's not great for the kids to see and hear it all. It's emotional and financial abuse. I'm at a big low because of it all. I just don't know what to expect to happen. I've emailed a solicitor so probably won't hear for a while. I'm grateful for what has already been said. I hadn't thought about how it would look leaving the kids, in my head obviously I'm not but it could look that way. I want them to experience as little change as possible. This is their home and I don't want to move them from it. Anyone experienced moving away from a similar situation?

OP posts:

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 03/05/2021 15:18

I wouldn't move sorry, it will put you in a worse situation. Try to find your anger, often depression is masking it. Anger is very motivating & will help you through this.

First collect all the financial information you can, how much is in bank accounts, pensions etc as much evidence as you can gather.

Second get a job if you can, any job, part time ideally. This will be transformative for you. Start squirrelling away as much money as you can, every way you can, sell things etc keep it secret. You need a fighting fund.

Then see a lawyer, get advice and start formal divorce proceedings. Don't let him know anything about it until you are ready to act.

You can be separated & still live together. You can then apply for top up benefits on your low salary, this will give you some extra money.

A counsellor with trauma & abuse experience to support you through this would be helpful once you can afford it. You can do this, do it for your children so they can live with a happy and free mother in a home without abuse.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 03/05/2021 16:17

Op there are other options. You need to pursue women's aid, one of their solicitors will represent you for free.

With their help you could get an order to get him out of your home and help with keeping your home.

You must not leave the children with an emotional abuser. They will be next in the firing line and you are running the risk that he will alienate them from you. Is this already happening?

Outbutnotoutout · 03/05/2021 22:11

Abuse doesn't need to be physical

Watchingyouwazowski · 04/05/2021 23:56

OP, I thought through and got advice on as many housing scenarios as I could think of. We have a joint mortgage, little equity and I am on a low wage (children with SEN prevent increasing my earning potential currently).
After weighing it all up, best scenario for the children was for him to leave. I eventually got him out. He's really unhappy and trying to make me sell the house/threatening to move back in).
Honestly, I am struggling with the stress of it all but I WILL get through it!
The reason it's better for us is that the children don't have to move home, I can claim UC and afford the mortgage payments as they are lower than private rent in my area.
I propose to sell the house when our youngest is 18. By then our circumstances may have changed anyway.
Have you spoken to any domestic abuse support people? Please do if you haven't. They are so helpful. I am applying for Legal Aid and my support worker has written a letter to support this. She calls me once a week. Today I cried at her because STBEX is a total arse. She gives me the strength to carry on and not give into his bullying.
I'm not sure if this is any help to you but I hope so! It took me a very long time to get to this place. Too long, really. Keep at it, OP. You can do it!

Original poster

multiar · 06/05/2021 11:55

I've seen a job I can actually do and would be good at. Monday to Friday 3-7. DH said no because it's unsociable hours. What he actually meant was I want you here to cook the tea etc for me and the kids.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 06/05/2021 14:52

How would he react if you said, well I want this job for the good of my mental health, your DH and 17 yr old can take it in turns to cook. Though it's better to leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2021 14:58

I've seen a job I can actually do and would be good at. Monday to Friday 3-7. DH said no because it's unsociable hours

Your husband doesn't get to say no. Stop living under his thumb and get a job.

Watchingyouwazowski · 06/05/2021 19:19

@multiar

I've experienced the same. I know how hard it can be to stand up for yourself. You haven't mentioned if you contacted Women's Aid. If you haven't, please do. They will support you IRL.

user1927462849194729 · 06/05/2021 19:27

Abuse is about control. Of course he's going to try and stop you leaving his control by taking a job. That doesn't mean you have to obey him.

Apply for the job.

Non-physical abuse can cause children more long-term damage than physical abuse.

It is also a crime. Even if he's never hit any of you the police can still help.

Abuse is about control. If you wait for him to give you permission to free your children and yourself it will never happen - because that would mean giving up control of you.

Please get your children away from his abuse.

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