Affair?

[Just71]

So I need advice! My husband does interim work and pre-lockdown was working away from home for 2 or 3 nights a week. I had no issue with this at all. I work full time too but we managed to sort ourselves out so we could each spend time with our son and do school pick ups etc.

Yesterday however, I got a letter in the post saying that my husband has cheated on me and as soon as lockdown is over he will be at it again. I didn’t share it with him as I wanted to spend some time thinking about what to do. Then today I got another letter with a lot more detail. It essentially says that he was shagging multiple women while working away and will be doing the same again once lockdown is over.

What would you do with this information. I can’t decide whether to confront him or to keep it to myself for now and try to find some evidence, or not, as the case may be. I assume if I confront him he will deny it even if it is true. So that will leave me more unsure about what to do...

I would wait and not do anything. The person who has sent these letters may be waiting to see what you do about it.
I would sit on the info for a while. Wait and see if any more mail appears and then you will know the person sending it has an agenda.

It may not be true at all. It might be someone making mischief.

In the meantime keep your eyes and ears open.

I'm sorry op, this sounds very stressful

How is your relationship? Do you think this could be true? Has anything like this happened in the past.

As for the letter - do you recognise the writing? The post mark? Any telling signs at all?

And what are your thoughts on contacting the police? I understand you will have to have a conversation with dh, but do you feel unsafe?

Who would send an anonymous letter? Such a shitty thing to do.

I would observe for the next few months.

And squirrel a bit of money away whilst getting your ducks in a row

If it were a friend, they would tell you surely?

Do you know who sent the letter and are they credible? Is there any proof available?

I'd probably make sure I was across finances and documents in case the marriage breaks down, just to be prepared.

What is he normally like? Is he secretive about his phone? What is your relationship like generally? Do you trust him?

I’d get an STI test if I were you. If youve gotten something, that is evidence of cheating casual sex per the letters description.
If all clear, then it’s evidence that the letters may be serving an agenda. Do you have any enemies that might want to break your marriage up, cause you distress? Two letters in two days is odd. Most women writing because they think the wife should know don’t write two letters in two days. They one letter. They might do a second one if nothing happens. But they won’t send multiple letters for days in a row. Unless, are the letters from different people? Can you tell?

A friend of mine got e mails like this - they were all from the same woman who her h had had an affair with and had stopped seeing.

Stay quiet and gather as much info as you can .

Agree with others, look out for yourself and your son's interests. STI check, sort finances (money in another account etc). As much as I'd want to stay quiet it would be really difficult to not let on anything is wrong. Any ideas who the writer is, sounds like a scorned ex OW.

As hard as it would be, I'd be keeping silent for now as the moment you let on you know something he will be on guard.

Yes, it could be someone wanting to upset you or ruin your relationship but I think that far less likely than it being true.

As for the letter being anonymous, it could be a friend that values your friendship but believes you deserve the truth, or one of several OW that is afraid of backlash for outing herself.

I'd get tested as suggested and keep my eyes and ears peeled. If he is with multiple women, there will likely be evidence on his phone or a second phone.

If you have a sensible close friend in rl who you trust to keep this information to themselves it would be far better to talk to them. They will know the real dynamic between you and DH so can comment on the situation. Anonymous posters can be helpful but you will end up feeling judged and frustrated by your thread.
I would agree with STI tests to protect your health but sitting on this information will lead you down a rabbit hole of paranoia and mental torture.
It’s very easy to think how you would react in this situation but the reality can be very different. It’s very hard to hide how you are feeling in front of DH particularly if you have had a close connection up until now. He will know you know.
It is a bit of an odd thing to do sending multiple letters. I would suspect unrequited love somewhere along the line. Some people are truly bat shit crazy when their egos are dented by rejection.
Take some time to think about what you do next. If you decide to confront him make sure that it is when you are on your own (son not around) and that you have someone to stay with if it doesn’t go well.
A bit of detective work may help but remember that you may find nothing.
Don’t sit on it for too long. It will destroy your relationship regardless of whether he is guilty or not.

Are there any actual details in there which would make it credible? Like mentioning a certain place, certain date that he would of been there and hadn't had much contact with you on that evening for example?

It could be another women who he was seeing and who thought she was in a relationship with him and has recently found out he was cheating on her, and possibly lead to her finding out he is married to you. And wants to let you know.

or could be someone trying to cause trouble, perhaps he has made an enemy somewhere along the lines. Could even be a bloke trying to get back at him for some reason and thinks this is the way to cause him trouble.

How were the letters written? Did they come across as caring in tone, as in they were trying to be kind warning you? Or were they callous? If callous, its most likely to be someone just trying to cause trouble for your DH or for you as I think if someone thought they had been wronged and realised other women had too I do think they would write it in a revengeful way.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP.

In your situation (and I imagine this would be incredibly hard) - I would not confront. I would start to look for evidence.

You need an STI test (I had an ex who gave me an asymptomatic STI and it damaged my tubes).

I’m afraid - based on the majority of threads here - there will be some truth in the letters.

If you confront your husband he will - most likely - deny, minimise and cover his tracks.

If it is true I would either a) leave him - or b) no longer see him as my partner, but a companion. I would leave an independent life from him, and pursue new relationships. Whether that can be managed while still living in the same house?

With the benefit of hindsight, I’d keep quiet and speak to a private detective.

I agree with a PP, sit on the info, continue as normal (this is important!!) and then see if you spot any clues now you’ve got your eye out
It’s important to carry on as normal because if he is cheating and he gets a hint that he could be found out, he will make sure he clears every shred of proof

Thank you all so much for your views. It’s really shit! We’ve always had a good relationship and I’ve trusted him until now. Part of me thinks some of the things in the letters are just not him at all but then part of me does wonder. He had plenty of opportunity working away and I never do things like access his phone. He changed his email password a while back and he’s no longer working away (lockdown and change of employer) so the suggestion is that this particular ‘relationship’ is now over. The two letters look like they’re from different people and the second goes into a fair bit of detail. Neither of them are nasty though and say they’re telling me because they feel guilty and he won’t change so they want me to be aware.

I’m trying really hard not to let on anything’s wrong but it’s really hard!

Sounds like he's ended it with someone and they're doing this to get back at him under the guise of feeling guilt, a guilt they didn't seem to feel while opening their legs strangely. Are you able to check his phone? Definitely sit on the letters and hide them. Watch his behaviour like a hawk for any clues, if something doesn't feel quite right trust your gut instinct because it's telling you something. Ma the hire a private detective if you're really convinced.

Gosh this is very upsetting for you. It really does sound like he's stopped seeing the women and they have contacted each other and said to send you letters. They may have been given the impression that he wasn't married and lockdown has proved otherwise. I was interested in what you said about your relationship.

"I work full time too but we managed to sort ourselves out so we could each spend time with our son and do school pick ups etc."

You dont mention spending time together and have a close relationship , you dont mention your husband just your son. This of course does not justify the possible behaviour your husband might or might not be up to but its good to get things in context. Do you or your husband have any enemies or bad blood anywhere in the family? Some people can do the strangest things and say the strangest things when they are hurt, angry or jealous. Have a good think. In the meantime I am afraid I would take this as face value. Get your ducks in a row, look at finances and observe keenly what happens next.

I’d be wondering how and two different people decided to write and where they got your mail address. FB or linked in messages are easier to send.
Also - if those women felt ok sleeping with him - why the sudden onset of morality.
I am guessing it’s one jilted person who is angry at him for either not continuing with her, or rebuffing her. As it’s all quite fishy.

So - I’d snoop as much as you can. Travelling, the way it used to be, isn’t coming back all that soon, so you have time.

As to STIs - I’d not bother tbh beyond your normal annual checks. As if you got anything - a year is long enough for it to show up.

Two letters...suggests a vendetta.

I'm guessing they are from a scorned woman. It's possible that he cheated with her and ended things so now she is telling you.

One letter could be a concerned bystander who has seen him shag around and wants you to know. Two letters, its personal.

I'd keep an eye out the window and see if she comes back.

I suspect he likely has cheated. But perhaps not to the extent she is saying. Not that it matters of course.

And there is always the possibility that he turned her down/this person hates him for some other reason. Does he have anyone who would want harm for him?

What do you think of him as a person? Could you see him doing this? Is he a 'good' human being?

Likely there is no smoke without fire.

Just read your update about it possibly being from two different ppl. That makes it more likely that they are true. Perhaps two women been in contact discussing his bs and wanting to alert you.

I wish someone had told me that my ex had been cheating - it would have saved a lot of heart ache in the long run. I would confront him about the letters - it sounds unlikely they were sent with malice

I get the impression that the letters are from two people both colleagues. The first one being from the friend of the ‘mistress’ saying what a bastard he is and the second from the one who he was actually shagging (or so she claims). As far as I know there’s nobody with any vendettas against him or anything. He’s prone to a debate with people but isn’t a nasty person at all. The detailed letter says he left his address out on the desk once and she photographed it at the time. If I’m honest we’ve grown apart a bit but not to the extent of affairs - or so I thought. We’ve just been married for over 15 years and are busy!

I'd maybe talk to a solicitor about finances ect... and take some time to gather more evidence before confronting him. But either way it sounds like he's been up to something right enough.

You could just lay the cards on the table (literally) and ask him for the truth. But obviously if he lies then he lies and then he will also know you are onto him.

Might be wise to do some digging of your own first.

So it’s from a woman who he works with then?
I’d think one of 3 things. Either she was shagging him thinking he was single, she’s just found out about you and is giving you a heads up.
Or he was seeing her and then broke up with her, she’s doing this to get him back.
Or he’s still seeing her, as far as she’s concerned you’re the one keeping them apart, and she’s trying to break up your relationship so she can have him to herself.
My strategy would be to call his bluff. I wouldn’t mention the letters (at first), I’d tell him a woman at work has contacted you, told you he’s cheating and given you all the glory details and evidence. So what the fuck has he got to say for himself?