Affair?

[Just71]

So I need advice! My husband does interim work and pre-lockdown was working away from home for 2 or 3 nights a week. I had no issue with this at all. I work full time too but we managed to sort ourselves out so we could each spend time with our son and do school pick ups etc.

Yesterday however, I got a letter in the post saying that my husband has cheated on me and as soon as lockdown is over he will be at it again. I didn’t share it with him as I wanted to spend some time thinking about what to do. Then today I got another letter with a lot more detail. It essentially says that he was shagging multiple women while working away and will be doing the same again once lockdown is over.

What would you do with this information. I can’t decide whether to confront him or to keep it to myself for now and try to find some evidence, or not, as the case may be. I assume if I confront him he will deny it even if it is true. So that will leave me more unsure about what to do...

Despite the comments you always get on here along the lines of "your relationship must already have been bad or he wouldn't have done it", that isn't always the case. Sometimes it really is a case of someone being a bit greedy, or seizing an opportunity, or wanting excitement for some personal reason. And "good" people are just as susceptible - it can be hard trying to keep up the good guy image your family expect of you.

I've seen several cases where a parent has died, for instance, leaving the cheater feeling insecure, unhappy and aware of their own mortality, and making them suddenly want to do something different/take their mind off things.

Has he shown any other symptoms?

• taking more cash out or opening a new bank account that he sends money to
• new skincare/perfume/grooming routine/suntan
• starting a sport and getting trimmer
• mentionitis / talking excitedly about a certain place/project/experience/hotel/book, music "someone" has recommended
• more overnight stays than previously
• writing lots of "work emails"
• change of character/mood for no apparent reason - suddenly miserable for a while (e.g. as an OW has dumped him)
• moaning about you in ways he didn't before

Stop sleeping with him and go for an STI test. If he's cheating he could give you an incurable STI. STIs are VERY common and your health is at real risk here.

www.freetest.me provide discreet home testing kits for STI's - it would be wise to get tested for your own health and peace of mind

I would do some snooping first. Look back at bank statements, diaries etc and see if anything tallies. Do you remember this woman being mentioned?

Could it be someone seeking revenge, Or trying to set you up?

Thanks again for all of your replies. I don't feel unsafe, I just feel a bit sick really. I never thought he would do such a thing, but now I have had to think about it, he did become more secretive. He changed his email password, often worked late (still does) and is very twitchy if I go near his phone for any reason. I just asked him for it because coincidentally he was trying to sort some admin out and couldn't find something. So I said give me your phone and I'll have a look... but he clearly didn't want to. So now I am suspicious. The two letters I now think relate to a fling that has now ended - albeit just because of lockdown and because he changed employers. So he had no choice. She said his phone is now disconnected but maybe he blocked her number eventually so it would sound like that from her end. I can't get to his phone at the moment to check his blocked numbers (I'm surprised he knows how to tbh - he's not very tech savvy). I've managed to take a quick look through his emails and couldn't find anything but didn't get chance to look through much.

I will take your advice about the STI tests though - I hadn't thought of that. And I'm going to keep quiet at least for a week or so or until I can get chance to look at his phone.

Either way something is amiss if some random women are sending me letters! One way or another it's not going to end well....

Argh this sucks. Just71 trust your gut and it seems like your gut is screaming at you!

For me his secrecy around his phone and changing passwords is the red flag. The letters just add credence to it all.

Std tests first, legal advice, seek counselling support (infidelity is traumatic, it’s hell). You don’t have to show your hand. You can hold on until you’re ready or feel more sure. Tbf I’d be blowing this shit up, but that’s just me.

I can recommend ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ not because I’m saying kick his sorry arse out but just to get perspective on affair psychology. You need to really internalise that this is not the fault if you, or your marriage but HIM. Affairs happen in HAPPY MARRIAGES don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Don’t play any kind of ‘pick me dance’, you’ll only regret it months down the line. Start to detach. Sounds counterintuitive but right now you’re not dealing with the man you know.

Seek support.

I’m so sorry ❤️

Erm. So. I just found an old phone in a work bag that he used to use when he worked at the place in question. It's an iPhone 7 I think and if I remember rightly it's one he previously claimed to have lost. I'm just charging it now but the problem is I don't know the passcode. I've tried a few but it won't let me in. Anyone tech savvy enough to know if I can get around this? Google seems to suggest that I can only do it by restoring the phone which means the data is lost.

This gets better and better doesn't it...

try googling a hack ... there will be some young bright techy kid online will know how 🌸

Bumping this for you OP. So sorry you're going through this.

See if siri works ask it for last messages or such. You may get in that way.

Sorry you are going through this.
x

I don't know the passcode
I'm not tech savvy either but remember that at least an iPhone code is only digits, not letters. Then look at how many digits it has - it may give you a clue as to what kind of number it might be.
4 digits - "only" 9999 options so you'll get there eventually! Try day plus month of birth (eg 0703), or full year (1981) - his, yours, kids etc.
6 digits - harder but again try dates. Has to be something that he will find easy to remember too.

Try watching when he unlocks his new phone - even if you don't see it directly, does he seem to press some numbers more than once, or several times in succession? It cuts down the number of options if you know that two adjacent numbers are the same.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I went through similar (not letters, but suspicion of affairs) with STBXH and it is so difficult.

One tip I read on here (unfortunately too late) was that if you do decide to speak to him about it you should say that this is his one and only chance to tell you everything so that you can make an informed decision about your future, and that if other things come to light later, you will end the relationship. I wish I’d done that. I spent too long seeking evidence before I eventually realised that the lack of trust was enough

I have seen people suggest put something sticky on the camera of new phone if it has Face ID as it will make them open the phone using the passcode. I hope you get there! I have been there and it's awful. Please take care of yourself x

So it seems the phone in question had that security thing in place where if you get the passcode wrong 10 times then it resets the whole phone. I guess maybe it was one issued by work that he never gave back when he left. In the letter the woman said his phone was disconnected so maybe that's why. Doesn't look like I can get anything useful from it now. I also tried taking the SIM card out and putting in a different phone but that didn't do anything. Just told me it didn't work!

So I think I will see if any more letters arrive next week and take it from there. Can't think where to look for any more evidence really.

Thanks so much for all your advice. I really appreciate it.

@Just71 Could you take it to a dodgy phone repair shop and get them to unlock it?

I personally couldn't sit on that information and not confront him. He would know instantly there was something bugging me.

Could be malicious, could be true. Have you ever got the feeling he may be cheating?

Get yourself an STI test x

At first I was going to say that it may be nothing, a vindictive neighbour or a so-called friend as it has happened to me. Two letters to my now ex H saying that I was sleeping around. Which was complete rubbish.
But it sounds like there’s something to your suspicions so (with the benefit of my experience):
A) make sure all your finances are sorted before you even mention anything
B) if possible, get a post-nup stating that you get XYZ in case of divorce because of your husband’s infidelity or unreasonable behaviour. The unreasonable behaviour is important as infidelity is extremely hard to prove unless he admits it
C) get a hack/PI to do a digital audit for you. Plenty of people on Instagram. A guy that I was recommended not that long ago was Martin Stien but I can’t verify if he’s any good or not.
If you manage to get in and find evidence then keep copies as he’s likely to deny everything.
And don’t believe crocodile tears, suicide threats etc.
Ah, and don’t tell the family straight away. Keep it as your leverage. Amazing how many cheating duckers are embarrassed that their mum will find out the full story.
I know it’s hard but keep a cool head until you’ve nailed him.
Sending hugs!

How’s it going op?

Hi... thank you for asking... not bad but I haven't confronted him yet - hoping to find some evidence but not managed so far. Will try again over the weekend but otherwise going to have to have it out with him I think...

Do you know for definite that he was working when he said he was? Do his wages confirm those hours?

It's hard to know really. Broadly speaking yes, but because he does interim work it can be a bit sporadic anyway. Which doesn't help in evidence gathering!

Good luck 💐

There are hacks on TikTok of how to get into an iPhone without the code.
I would tell him you have found it and ask him to unlock it In front of you. You will soon know by his reaction if he is lying. Good luck.

💐