Mortified

[Imjustsootired]

I need a quick scan of opinions here as I'm feeling so embarrassed!!!

Been chatting to a guy for a few months now met for a drink, went well, chatty texts continued. Tonight we were chatting about sex and kind of, what we like. He was describing it and used the word 'hungry'. I replied with

'Hungry. Good description... hot sweaty sex can be great!'

He replies with a shocked face emoji and "ladies pespire" ... "just saying". Then some stupid GIF with an American woman saying in a southern drawl..."I was sweating like a whore in church!".

I was mortified so sent back

"Wow. Ok, fine. I stand corrected"

He read it. Didnt respond !!!!

Now I feel like trailer trash

Was using the word "sweaty" really THAT bad? Oh god!!!

The best way to absolve yourself from feeling mortified here is probably to change your threshold for feeling mortified to align with your moral choices.

Hey presto, things that would make most people curl up in a ball biting their fist will now sail ineffectually over your head.

(Not a judgement, just an observation.)

a lover aswell as hubby

Oh god, two of my most cringe words in one cringe sentence.

@Raskolnikov84

I agree.

How op can be mortally offended by this goes straight over my head.
I hope she doesn't loose too much sleep over it.

@Bimblybomeyelash

People like you. You've come on here not to help, not to even put across a valid point. Just to mock my choice of words. You're a dick. Good day

To everyone else ... honestly, lighten the fuck up.

It's like being back at school, with the bitches.

Looking up my previous posts to have a dig...instead of commenting on what I was actually asking about. So bitchy. I thought this was a forum for open expression and honesty?

Opinions on my moral choices...I'll take that. I've put it out there. However, bitchy little catty arse comments about my choice of words or asking if my husband knows (for the record, nope ). Not one of you, when jumping on my infidelity, questioned why I do what I do and why, if I had any other choice, I would take it.

So much for female support.

@Imjustsootired

Were you, or were you not, upset that your previous bloke was speaking to someone else when you were 'together' as you thought you alone were enough for each other (spouses aside)?
And yet you were talking to the guy in this thread at the same time?

Stop with the 'female support' bollocks. Having a vagina doesn't mean you need to support someone's infidelity.

Flippant? How?

Have you and I had a discussion about my 17 year marriage, huge betrayal and my subsequent behaviour that came from that then?

We must have had a good chat that I have forgotten all about... for you to make that assumption about me. You must know the whole story otherwise such an assumption would be based on pretty much nothing.

@DumplingsAndStew

I feel like I'm on the naughty step.

"Did you or did you not....."

I did, miss. Guilty.

Still cant see how that has a fucking thing to do with how embarrassed I was about a particular text I sent, to a particular guy.

People post on here about texts they've sent all the time, and get support. Not me though !

Ugh what a twat. Take this as a red flag, ditch him and move on. Jeez.

Ok have a discussion about that, if you wish, you may gain more understanding from posters.

You say your partner is too unwell to leave yet he caused a massive betrayal so really however unwell he is you essentially have no alligience to him.

Maybe you are going into dating with the wrong stance, there maybe someone out there who really wants to form a relationship, yet you say you can't leave your husband.

@onthedunes .... thanks x

I am going into this all the wrong way but genuinely have no choice. I have 3 kids too, makes it even worse. I honestly live in a kind of weird limbo hell. There is no feasible, kind way to leave my husband. I've known him since he was 19. Without being dramatic or outing, I am many things to him and he needs me. He betrayed me...i discovered it all on his phone a couple of years back. Dating sites, escort sites, porn, ... could never prove he physically cheated but the fall out was the same. It really fucked with me, for a long painful time. I decided to stay. I have to. There are other reasons too, other people I care for that would be affected, not just hubby and then kids. Cant go into too much detail. It's just a no. Massive fallout...and why? Because I'm not happy anymore? Doesn't seem fair, I wont do it.

The only thing that saved me from the nightmare spiral I found myself in was an outlet, a distraction. I chose this path. I speak specifically to other married people (I am ducking as you all throw things at me) and it has been great at times, not so much at others. However, overall, it provided the distraction and is what is needed right now if I am going to accept my life as it is and make the best of it. Most of it is online, I'm not a slut and it's really not about sex. It is for the men I meet though, so it's been a rocky road. Messy. What can I say.

You say you don't want to leave your husband but from your 1st post as others have mentioned, you were distraught when you thought he had someone else.(the om)

Does this not suggest you are actually looking for love and maybe this searching is for the confidence and security to leave your marriage.

It appears you are wanting an exit affair but won't yet admit it.

Yeah you nailed it.

Hand on heart, if I met someone who felt the same about me as I did about the guy I had to leave alone and block, I'd probably find a way to leave DH.

Do you still love your husband, do you still fancy him, is this just all about revenge.

Could you now forgive him after your behaviour now on dating sites.
Would you want to get to a place of monogomy and a true relationship again.

Your anger, for you actions towards other posters is almost palpable, I fully undrstand how angry and hurt you must have been because of your husbands actions but I think you are getting angry with the wrong people.

These dating sites you go on are full of men who are probably far worse than your husband and I fear all it will do is make you further embittered. You feel there is some control being given back to you over men, but in my experience you are just allowing men to further abuse or use you.

Figure out whose using who.

Wasnt revenge. What he did made me feel so inadequate. It had only been him for so many years. I thought, why is he looking at other women etc? Am I ugly? What am i missing? Or is he just bored of me? He said it was none of that, just wank material (sorry) but that didnt ring fully true, from the searches I saw on his phone. So i sought out validation i guess. What did other men think of me? What kind of response would i get? Never been on a dating site in my life, I'm mid 40s. All new. So I gave it a go.... fun at first, great distraction from the hurt that wouldn't leave me alone...until I fell for someone. Then i got a new hurt. I've blocked him but I loved him and it's so fuxking hard. Me being me, I decided another distraction was needed. So i contacted someone I'd been chatting to on and off and when OM was being inconsistent as usual. And that's who I posted about the other night.

Its messy right? I know that and I cant say I'm enjoying it.

I love DH but as a good, loving friend. Hes handsome but I'm not sexually attracted to him any more. He wants sex a lot, he gets it, I enjoy when I think of someone else while we do it.

I bet your not enjoying it, all it's done is created more unhealthy feelings about youself.
You are rightfully angry with your husband but can I say I think the OM you were with for a year was using you.
How can that possibly make you feel better about yourself.

RESET...

I would suggest some counselling to find out what you really want, maybe you still do want your husband but are too proud to admit this.
It's a harsh world out there and pinning your hopes on a knight in shinning amour is not a great back up plan.
You will only get hurt further.

I've got painfully high self awareness and I fully understand what's happening here unfortunately. You are right on many levels but in reality, what I am likely to do is continue on this path. Which is why I never posted too much about looking for help originally. I know what I should do. I also know I wont do it until my hand is forced, probably by being caught.

Thanks for taking the time to chat with me, really appreciate that x

Neither of my posts were to do with your marital set up for what it's worth. I don't care about what strangers do in general.

No judgement or shame from me OP. In fact I respect your honesty in not name-changing.

You must expect on MN though, particularly in this section, there are many many people, mainly women, who have been cheated on, and have found it deeply painful and wounding. So if you post on here that you are cheating and you aren't beating your breast about it, many people will feel you are, well "flippant" was probably a good word.

I do think you should give more thought to where you ultimately end up. You've already identified that you are on a downward path towards blowing up your marriage by getting caught. At that point you look like the villain and your H the victim. It will be hugely upsetting for your DC and I'm guessing potentially for the "others" who you say would be impacted by a split.

To an outsider, it looks like your marriage is going to end anyway. Either by you getting caught, or by you catching feelings for someone else. Surely it would be better to be very honest with your H and discuss a way forward that leaves him appropriately supported? Rather than slide into a horrible toxic situation that leaves both of you hurt and makes co-parenting incredibly hard?

It doesn't have to be a stark A or B choice. It's not just "Married and loving and have sex only with each other forever and not ever bring up the past" or "Divorced completely that's it, no involvement with each other, no communication, 50/50 kids residence". There are other set ups and solutions that might work for your family and minimise disruption for your DC. A "don't ask don't tell" agreement (with conditions, perhaps) for you both. Joint attendance at swinger clubs. Renting a second home where you take it in turns to stay when not caring for the kids at home. (I think they call this "nesting", as in the kids stay in the nest and the parents swap round.)

Don't throw a bomb into your life if you can avoid it. Blowing up your marriage isn't the only way to end it, and it's certainly not the best.

This thread is mad. I thought you about 19 with your first post - how could you think he was being serious then it got even madder!

Leave your husband, start living your real life, not this half baked existence getting worried about what msgs mean and not confronting your real problems

Tbh I think it’s you that killed it not him. He was joking and you failed to get it.

It sounds as though you arn't interested in changing your behaviour but may I say this coping strategy may not work quite so well when you are in your 50's and 60's.

There are other ways to validate yourself other than seeking the false attention of men.

@Imjustsootired

Yeah you nailed it.

Hand on heart, if I met someone who felt the same about me as I did about the guy I had to leave alone and block, I'd probably find a way to leave DH.

So really, you're not 'not leaving' your DH because it's 'impossible' you're not leaving him because you're scared you won't meet someone else or 'it's not worth it' until you have someone else.

I think you need to own that & stop making out that you're hard done by & stuck.

You should leave your DH calmly and considerately, not explosively and cruelly when you're caught in one of your affairs.

Your DH is far from blameless in this situation, for sure, but you need to be the adult here & do what's right.