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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband has just pushed me

69 replies

lifemutation · 29/04/2021 21:42

I'm 13 weeks pregnant. We have a DS together and we've been together for 8 years. Nothing like this has happened before.

We were both arguing over something trivial. We both got a bit shouty. I slammed my arm down on the table and he walked towards me shouting and full on pushed me back with his hands on my chest.

I'm in shock, and also really sad. He walked away saying "you took a swing at me!" I absolutely did not, I hit the table, he was a metre away. I shouted "you've just pushed your pregnant wife, well done" as he went upstairs. He hasn't come down since.

I don't even know what to do now.

OP posts:
Dddccc · 29/04/2021 23:29

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PoppyField · 29/04/2021 23:32

Dddccc why come on a thread to disagree with what the OP has said? It’s not an opinion piece.

PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2021 23:32

You post is totally out of order @Dddccc.

Sparklfairy · 29/04/2021 23:37

@Dddccc

Sorry but if this was a reverse you would al be saying different ie I was having an argument with my wife things of heated she went to hit me and I pushed her out the way and took myself upstairs, sorry for all we know is what the op has said, but why would you swing your arms in violence to hit a table so sorry no I don't think he is gaslighting and I would love to hear his side
I get what you're saying but you're missing a vital point. There is a huge strength difference between a man and a woman, and they both know it. A man hits a table and a woman pushes him out of the way, it's a defensive move to escape.

The way round that it happened, she hit the table and he stepped towards her to push her, that is a dominant, aggressive move. His sheer strength advantage could do far more damage. Women are usually violent (by that I mean pushing in this case) from a self defence/preservation standpoint, men are violent from a dominance perspective.

All the men I know have a subconscious knowledge that they can overpower a woman. All the women I know know that too. That's the difference. He's used his strength advantage and made her vulnerable.

Plus she's fucking pregnant. What if she'd fallen? Not many women that could shove a man hard enough to make him fall. Doesn't take much for a man to do it.

Dddccc · 29/04/2021 23:41

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PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2021 23:42

You are proving nothing @Dddccc

Stop derailing the thread with your abuser apologist nonsense.

Dddccc · 29/04/2021 23:43

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PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2021 23:47

The only humane way to respond to a woman who posts needing support after being physically abused by her partner is to say “I believe you” and point them to help.

Your contributions are not wanted @Dddccc.
Go away.

Onthedunes · 29/04/2021 23:59

How can you possibly know that her swinging her arm was meant to be going for him. She never said swinging her arm, she said she slammed it down. He on the other hand used both hands and pushed aggainst her chest, that was definitely intentional.

This has shocked op and upset her, he used his physical superiority to intimidate her and frighten her and you are making apologies for him.
He knows he has done wrong, he is sulking upstairs.
She is pregnant for Gods sake.

Dddccc · 29/04/2021 23:59

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PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2021 00:01

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Geppili · 30/04/2021 00:12

I'd ask him to leave. Thanks

Eviethyme · 30/04/2021 07:06

At the end of the day OP never touched him and yet he did touch her so no matter what he says or felt he was in the wrong. Plus I doubt she would bang the table if she was trying to hit him...

updownroundandround · 30/04/2021 07:27

@lifemutation

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Whatever happened yesterday, trust your own judgement, and follow your instincts.

You have been with him 8 years, and you'll know what happened, how you feel, and how you want to proceed.

MNetters will be here to support you. x

Original poster
lifemutation · 30/04/2021 07:41

In the end I got so tired I went to bed. DH was already asleep so I just got into my side. I woke up early and got out of bed before he woke up. I've heard him up there having a shower. He's obviously just sulking. Great.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2021 07:45

Will he be going out to work so you’ll have some time to think about what you want to do next?

Aknifewith16blades · 30/04/2021 08:11

If you can (and want to), it is worth reaching out for support. Sadly this type of event is rarely a one-off.

That he hasn't apologised, hasn't checked how you are is concerning. You don't have to pretend that everything is ok.

If you can't make a phone call from home safely, you can use the consulting room at a pharmacy.

AgentJohnson · 30/04/2021 08:28

Unfortunately for many DV starts with a push during pregnancy. He isn’t sorry and what makes it even,l worse, he’s chosen to rewrite things where he’s the victim and your the perpetrator.

My Ex hit me on two separate occasions and went to prison for two years but to him everybody (him, his parents) but me and DD were the victims.

You can’t change behaviour that you don’t acknowledge. In my experience, once men give themselves permission to get physical, it usually isn’t the last time that they get physical.

Tell him leave, do not be complicit in pretending it didn’t happen.

wewereliars · 30/04/2021 09:51

I hope you're okay OP. He will do all he can to make this your fault by the looks of things. Been there, got the T shirt.
The genie is now out of the bottle, don't joing him in minimising this, although you will be very tempted for normailty to resume. It will not be the last time. Your future self will thank you if you taken the steps to get out now. When the baby is born it will be harder. Flowers

Wanderlusto · 30/04/2021 10:09

Everything else aside, if someone made me so mad that I slammed my first on a table then I wouldn't want to be having a baby with them.

But this guy pushed you! And then gaslighted you. And now is acting as if he is the wronged party in order to further punish you.

Ltb, as they say on here.

Namechangedforthistoday · 30/04/2021 12:49

@Dddccc

But for all we know he could be a tiny skinny thing and her 20 stone muscle person thats the problem we all assume he is a big bloke and she is a tiny woman
She is pregnant, you do not push any women let alone a pregnant one!
MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 30/04/2021 13:02

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our webguides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page. There are lots of organisations listed which can offer some more support in real life.

We've also deleted a number of posts which we considered to be minimising domestic abuse or victim-blaming, because we feel such posts are really not in the spirit of the site.

We hope you're okay, OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2021 13:07

It would be over for me, op. If he's physically assaulted you once, he will do it again.

iklboo · 30/04/2021 13:40

But for all we know he could be a tiny skinny thing and her 20 stone muscle person thats the problem we all assume he is a big bloke and she is a tiny woman

Makes no fucking difference.

ikeepseeingit · 30/04/2021 14:35

@lifemutation

In the end I got so tired I went to bed. DH was already asleep so I just got into my side. I woke up early and got out of bed before he woke up. I've heard him up there having a shower. He's obviously just sulking. Great.
The fact that he's sulking and making YOU pick up the pieces of what HE did speaks volumes. He's now making you do all the heavy lifting after pushing his pregnant wife. In what world is that okay? He should be grovelling if he has any ounce of care in him.

Please reach out to someone you feel safe talking to OP, you need real-life support and to get out of that house. I understand how much you wish you could just go back to normal. This is his fault OP, and it can't happen again. What happens if your children see their dad doing this to their mum down the line? I know it sounds horrible to say that, but if he can do it while you're pregnant, he can do it in front of them.

I'm really sorry this has happened, I'm sure you're in complete shock and very hurt by it all. I hope you can get some IRL support around you asap. Contact Womens Aid if you need to x

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