To hate DP right now.

[DoesTheQueenOrderChinese]

Backstory - been with DP for 6 years. He has a DD and I have no children. We conceived 3 years ago, DP persuaded me heavily towards an abortion. It was the right decision in hindsight but I still remember how upset he was. It made me think about how happy he was when his ex was pregnant with their DD (he told me when we were dating) and I kept thinking, well why am I any different? He promised it wasn't me, it just wasn't the right time but reassured me we would have children together eventually. I terminated the pregnancy.

Fast forward to last year, I was diagnosed with PCOS, I have severe endometriosis and subsequent scarring. DP has a low sperm count, my consultant advised me to try for a baby now if I wanted kids eventually. We were given a 5% success rate, even with treatment. DP agreed we would try.

Anyway, somehow I'm naturally pregnant. 8 weeks. I found out at the fertility clinic, just before my HSG that I was pregnant. So it wasn't a shock to him... we were at a fertility clinic.

He hasn't shown one bit of excitement, the pregnant is like an elephant in the room and we don't talk about. The conversations we have had are negative, "I'm worried about getting a mortgage" and "It's a huge change, we won't get to do things on a whim anymore" "it's a shock" etc. Literally nothing positive has come out of his mouth.

I'm in bed in tears because he clearly isn't interested, is he? He says he will come round but at this point, a corpse genuinely has more excitement.

Our relationship wouldn't survive another termination. I resent him already for not being interested. I'm so torn. Do I bring a baby into the world, knowing it's father isn't interested? Knowing it's father was crazily excited for his DD but not this child?

I am in a good position, I am in a managerial role where I qualify for enhanced maternity pay. I have a small amount of savings, not a lot, but enough to help. I also think that I may only get this opportunity once but that I deserve someone to be excited with and for me. For someone to be interested... 

It's cruel and heartbreaking knowing we were about to embark on fertility treatment and now he's not interested in the slightest. It's like he's going through the motions but he's not really here, if that makes sense?

@DoesTheQueenOrderChinese

Congratulations on your pregnancy, this is wonderful for you. 🎉

Stay positive and ignore all his negativity, you are in the early stages so try not to stress or be brought down by his mood. You my lady are going to be a Mum, and hold your precious child in your arms.

Can you do this alone? course you can, so I would start saving money, and if the worst happens, you will be okay.

Congratulations again 💕

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

What's his relationship with his DD like?

Do you know why he broke up with his ex op? My first thought is that it’s going to be different the second time round with a new partner. Presumably they had a baby together because he thought they’d be together forever. But his relationship failed and now he’s (I’m assuming) a part time dad to the baby he was so excited for. I can see why he might be anxious and unhappy right now. Have you actually asked him what’s going through his head?

@BlueVelvetStars your post made me cry. Thank you. 

@FetchezLaVache he is a brilliant dad, we have her 50/50 and she is the best thing ever. She will be absolutely delighted about having a baby brother or sister. I am so excited to tell her. I will make it so special for her... he's very hands on, very flexible, encourages her to do extra curricular activities. He pays her mum £500 a month, plus we have her 50/50. It's a good set up and I'm lucky his ex is reasonable and fair.

That's what makes me so sad, I know how good a dad he is yet with me it's the worst thing but on the other hand he tells me how happy he is with me, his family comment on how well we get on.

Congratulations OP 🎉

As above, stay positive! It may just be nerves and worry on his part, this is all new for you and it may be that he remembers how tiring and stressful babies and toddlers can be, and may have forgotten the joy that they also bring.

At the end of this you’ll have a beautiful baby and will be a mum, no matter what happens, staying happy and stress free now should be your priority

@Mydarlingmyhamburger they were pregnant within 7 months of seeing each other, they split because of the constant arguing and he ended it because he didn't want his DD to grow up in that environment.

I have asked, he just says he's worried, he wants us to get a mortgage, he is going to miss our freedom, etc.

@DeathToCovid thank you. ❤️❤️

I would be seeing how things go for a couple of months, but I would also be making plans to leave at the same time. You don't need him. You can walk right out the door and have your beautiful baby yourself.

Congratulations! From your post I can clearly see you're going to be an amazing mother with or without him. Take care of you and your baby xxx

Do I bring a baby into the world, knowing it's father isn't interested?

You obviously really want the baby so fuck him and whether he's interested or not.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don't let him spoil the excitement by being a prick. Do not let him talk you into a termination again.
Have the baby and if he comes round to the idea, great and if not, as I said fuck him.

Do you have family or friends you could share the news with who would be excited for you?
It's an amazing thing which has happened - you've got pregnant naturally against all the odds. Enjoy it and don't let anyone spoil it.

My DH was like this with both of ours. Planned pregnancies and we’d talked about having DC from our first date. But when it happened - flat, uninterested and both times we had a conversation about how he wasn’t ready. Both times I decided I could go it alone if he was going to be an arse. He stayed, was reasonable supportive during pregnancy although has since admitted he hated the early tired hormonal weeks and found it easier when I was showing. And do you know what - he adores those children. His face lights up when he sees them every day and he is a genuinely great dad 95% of the time (the other 5% he’s mediocre because he’s human!).

I think it was as much the thought of our lives changing as much as anything else, fear of the unknown and a fear of loosing a bit of ‘us’. I also think it’s more common than people let on and is part of a range of normal responses on learning that life is changing.

Being a part time dad and a full time dad are very different. Sounds like he's happy with the set up of having a kid when he wants one, then having free time and money to do things on a whim too. Having a baby with you will end that for him.

Very selfish.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You can do this! And you know he's a fair, paying part time dad so you'll have his support youd hope.

I also think there’s some truth in the saying - a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she’s pregnant; a man becomes a father when a baby is put in his arms.

In these circumstances before anyone leaps on me and tells me there are many ways to become a parent.

From his point of view..
Now he will have even more guilt he hasn't got his dd 100 % of the time...
And that she may feel left out.
That you will all need more cash.

Now he will be worried about IF he can't make things work with you he will have to juggle 2 x dc with 2 x exes...
Men think on impulse ime. Mouth before brain..
Women see a bfp and think swollen ankles /prams and teeny weeny clothes.!

Imo.
When he backtracks and is super happy be smart and forget his initial reaction or it will mar this fantastic news!
Congratulations op.!

My partner is similar to this, I'm 22 weeks pregnant (planned) & I've had only negativity & misery from him about the baby and the future.
You know what? it's not important, I'm excited, so overwhelmed with happiness and that's enough.
You don't need his happiness to enhance your own or validate how amazing this pregnancy is. Forget his negative attitude, he is missing out on something wonderful. It's you and the baby for the rest of your lives and that's the most important. This baby is more important than his moods or worries. Your stress levels & happiness affects the baby so you are more important, you need to focus on that. Enjoy the pregnancy for yourself and when you can tell other people enjoy it with them.

Sounds like he has a child and doesn't want any more. That might change but it's very unfair on you.

You deserve to feel all the excitement of pregnancy and planning the future.

You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him if he can't be 100% supportive you will do it alone.

Congratulations OP. This sounds like really big news for you with your PCOS and the low success rate the doctor had given! What lovely news for you!

As one of the early PPs said, you sound like you're in a good position that if it came to it, and you had to do it alone, you could make it work.
Agree with the notion to start saving and buying as you go along just in case (I know it's a sad and grim thought but you'd rather know you had as much sorted as you could than look back and wish you'd prepared). Nicer to have stuff sorted than to be in a last min panic especially with a baby.

Try and enjoy this news, and nurture yourself! You're pregnant, it's amazing. I know it's easier said than done but try not to get too stressed with your partner. It sounds like further conversations are needed between you both about what this baby means from each point of view. Whilst I agree that it would be helpful to understand why his reaction has been negative despite the fact you were both TTC with open eyes/in fertility treatment, he needs to understand that this is an already anxious time and incredibly emotional time for you! You and baby (and his DD) should be top focus now. He hasn't been duped into this situation, he went into it willingly I presume!

I hope you can both work it out and enjoy the pregnancy. 💐

I'm guessing that he was happy and excited the first time because he didn't quite know what he was letting himself in for (as none of us do first time around) whereas this time he is remembering the sleepless nights and the impact on his relationship with his ex. It doesn't mean he loves you less than he loved her but he's going into this with his eyes open.

I am very pro choice, but don't terminate if you want the baby (and it sounds like you do). But I'd advise that you go back to work full time after mat leave just in case.

Do you only have his say-so about being excited over his DD, or has his ex corroborated his story? There may be some rose-tinted hindsight coming from him. If he was so happy before, why so flat this time? Could it be that a lot of the arguments were about him living the same independent care-free life while heaping all responsibility on his ex?
I think your relationship days are numbered, in much the same way his ex's were. If you can find a way to discuss how things were with her, you might find her pov insightful, you may have more in common than you think.

Firstly, massive congratulations!

Your DP sounds like a really attentive dad, and he has a positive coparenting relationship with his ex partner. I think this is really key. It suggests there is more to it than just being disinterested.

How was he affected by splitting up with his ex (and therefore living apart from his child)?I’m wondering if he found the sudden pregnancy followed by arguments and then breaking up and being apart from his DD quite traumatic. He could be carrying a lot of guilt towards his DD. He might be frightened about this all happening again.

I would try and talk to him, let him know you can handle talking about his fears, if you feel you can.

If he’s not on board (which would be out of character given his DD) then you’ll do it alone. You’re a mum now, and that’s what mums do.

Thank you for all the congratulations.

I'm not sure completely how he was affected by his split with his ex, I got the impression it was initiated by him, but it was not what she wanted.

In the early stages of us dating he'd tell me stories about how excited he was, he'd watch baby massage videos and download all the baby growth apps so he could get involved. He said he was over the moon when they found out it was a little girl.

I would do it alone (I would never get over it if I chose to terminate again). I'm just sad that I may have to do the 9 months' not sharing such a special time with DP because he's so miserable. I feel guilty, like I've inflicted the worst thing ever upon him

Ah love.
First of all congratulations!
Is money a worry, re the mortgage. £500 is a lot to pay when he has his DD 50/50. Could he cut back a bit there? I don’t know your set up etc so may not be an option.
It is scary, really scary. I was 37 having my first, had house, job etc and I shit myself and still do now.. I just think he’s shitting himself but he’ll get over it. I hope he does or he’ll be missing out on you and baba xxx

Congratulations first of all!

My pregnancy was of a similar sort and I learned to accept that not all pregnancies are like you see in films where it’s an ideal situation if that makes sense. Sometimes it can be a tough situation.

You sound like you really want this baby and having been there myself with regards to being pressured into a termination before, you’ll never forgive yourself if you did.

I was worried about being a single mum when I was pregnant but if I knew then what I knew now (me and ex eventually split up although I think I knew back then it was inevitable) then I wouldn’t of been worried at all. It’s tough at times don’t get me wrong but it’s so rewarding.

If I was you, I wouldn’t make any decisions which may lead to you relying on your partner, make sure you’ll got your own plan, income and house.

Best of luck xx

Congrats! Don't let him spoil this. You will have your baby. I would pick baby over man in a heartbeat. I agree with @sampamsnan that he likes the part time dad life. Boo hoo, time to move on. Life doesn't stand still. He can get on board or mope around but let that be his choice.

By the sounds of it you are going to be a wonderful mother.
Massive congratulations to you.

I wonder if his ex has the same memories of him being such a doting father during her pregnancy. I doubt it.

You’ll never forget this behaviour and you deserve much better.