To hate DP right now.

[DoesTheQueenOrderChinese]

Backstory - been with DP for 6 years. He has a DD and I have no children. We conceived 3 years ago, DP persuaded me heavily towards an abortion. It was the right decision in hindsight but I still remember how upset he was. It made me think about how happy he was when his ex was pregnant with their DD (he told me when we were dating) and I kept thinking, well why am I any different? He promised it wasn't me, it just wasn't the right time but reassured me we would have children together eventually. I terminated the pregnancy.

Fast forward to last year, I was diagnosed with PCOS, I have severe endometriosis and subsequent scarring. DP has a low sperm count, my consultant advised me to try for a baby now if I wanted kids eventually. We were given a 5% success rate, even with treatment. DP agreed we would try.

Anyway, somehow I'm naturally pregnant. 8 weeks. I found out at the fertility clinic, just before my HSG that I was pregnant. So it wasn't a shock to him... we were at a fertility clinic.

He hasn't shown one bit of excitement, the pregnant is like an elephant in the room and we don't talk about. The conversations we have had are negative, "I'm worried about getting a mortgage" and "It's a huge change, we won't get to do things on a whim anymore" "it's a shock" etc. Literally nothing positive has come out of his mouth.

I'm in bed in tears because he clearly isn't interested, is he? He says he will come round but at this point, a corpse genuinely has more excitement.

Our relationship wouldn't survive another termination. I resent him already for not being interested. I'm so torn. Do I bring a baby into the world, knowing it's father isn't interested? Knowing it's father was crazily excited for his DD but not this child?

I am in a good position, I am in a managerial role where I qualify for enhanced maternity pay. I have a small amount of savings, not a lot, but enough to help. I also think that I may only get this opportunity once but that I deserve someone to be excited with and for me. For someone to be interested... 

It's cruel and heartbreaking knowing we were about to embark on fertility treatment and now he's not interested in the slightest. It's like he's going through the motions but he's not really here, if that makes sense?

What do you want to do op? You talk about him and his feelings and actions, start to plan for you, if he wants to come along then great, if not you'll be fine on your own.

Congratulations

It hurts and it stays in your mind for a while, but if he's anything like my ex, he was like this for a couple of weeks because he was in shock. After a week or so he got into it. x

So scared, anxious, happy but nervous at the same time

We've had a chat, he just basically said the same as others on here that it takes a while to adjust to the fact that a baby will be here soon. It will no longer just be us two (and his DD) at home, there'll be no more spontaneous events planned, etc. I've tried to say that we will find happiness, together, in other things. In family holidays, in Christmas, in milestones and in his DD being the bossy big sister.

I don't know, I guess I just have to let him process the news in his own way.

I never imagined that I would actually have to plan to do this without him, and hopefully it doesn't come to that.

Please tell me this is just a natural phase of a couple becoming pregnant

Congrats op!

Your partner is an arsehole. What a dick ruining this special time for you. What does he say when you point out that he tried for this baby with you? You are not the virgin Mary?

Tbh I've heard worse - I had a friend who was trying for a baby with her bf and when she got pregnant he said "there is no way that's mine you must have cheated"

Reader, they are still together!

Good luck with the future op, you do sound v strong and capable, I'm sure you will be fine to do this on your own.

I feel guilty, like I've inflicted the worst thing ever upon him

You haven't inflicted anything on him. You had agreed to try for a baby and you were even going to fertility clinics.
If he hadn't wanted a baby he should have said so then and he should have worn a condom if he wanted to be sure no baby was conceived.
Idiot.

@Flugbusters4 what the hell men are weird. Thank you for your comments.

He said "do not expect me to have another one. I will not have three kids, absolutely no way." He is literally so dead against the idea that he's googling getting the snip already.

Please tell me this is just a natural phase of a couple becoming pregnant well sorry, not in my case. My DH was over the moon when I was pregnant with our first, which wasn't planned. He was more excited than I was. This thread is so sad. This should be a joyous time - your pregnancy was planned ffs! Your DP sounds very selfish.

OP,
Huge congratulations.

It sounds a bit of a miracle.

Shame on him and his selfishness that he can't get a grip on it after you have been such a wonder step mother to his daughter.

He had better get a grip or you will NEVER forgive him for taking the shine off this moment.

I wouldn't have limitless patience with him.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Reach out for support from others and don't take on board his selfishness.

You will be a wonderful mum.

I don’t think it’s normal at all. Not to make you feel worse but I’m aghast at how many people are sharing stories of similarly miserable, disengaged partners and husbands.

You’re in a good position and I’d avoid pandering to his bullshit, make your plans, be excited, don’t let him ruin this for you. If he can’t get on board ASAP and be supportive at what much also he a nerve wracking time then seriously plan to leave him and have a wonderful life with your precious baby.

@Noshowlomo

Ah love. First of all congratulations! Is money a worry, re the mortgage. £500 is a lot to pay when he has his DD 50/50. Could he cut back a bit there? I don’t know your set up etc so may not be an option. It is scary, really scary. I was 37 having my first, had house, job etc and I shit myself and still do now.. I just think he’s shitting himself but he’ll get over it. I hope he does or he’ll be missing out on you and baba xxx

Why should his first child be affected and her dad's contribution lessened?? Very unfair. No way should that happen.

Congratulations OP on your miracle baby 👏
Why on earth would you even consider terminating in your circumstances

Men aren’t like anything OP. Yours is currently letting you down in a big way. I’d never have forgiven DH if he’d reacted like this.

I’m also confused by why you mention not wanting another abortion. Why would that even be on your mind? Has he suggested it?

This is not normal behaviour.

This is the behaviour of a selfish shit.

You have loved and cared for his child and now you wish to have a child he makes it all about spontaneity.

Prick.
You could have said that years ago about his daughter.

Start thinking about what's best for you, just like that waster.

His behaviour is utterly disgraceful.

I think that everything Cyclingforcake said is right. I also think he is going through a period of adjustment a bit different to yours.

Congratulations about your great news op. You must be feeling all the excitement of being pregnant with your first child and naturally want dh to be experiencing the same. He was happy to begin trying for a baby so I think you have every reason to expect that he will be as great a dad to this second child as he is to his dd . But there is no getting away from the arrival of a second child being a bit different from the first. He knows all about the extra work, sleepless nights, potential for stress in a relationship as well as all the highs.

There have been plenty of threads where women have felt similar when getting pregnant the second time. Wanted to get pregnant, really trying to get pregnant ....eek!!! it's happened ...we were just getting our freedom back ...arhh! Have we done the right thing? Then others replying, having felt similar but reassuring that when baby arrived it was the best decision ever.

You can't have the both totally new to all this thing op ...that ship's sailed but you can have your own fantastic, unique experience as first time parents together. a great experience. Not his first baby ...but your first together ...wonderful Remember ...he wanted the baby ...he agreed to fertility treatment ...at the moment he's remembering the more tying things about new babies ...but that stuff didn't stop him loving first dd, even in a trying too young relationship so you all, as a family have a lot more going for you now.

His attitude is not ideal, is he a worrier, terrified of the financial responsibility? His moaning about the loss of freedom is immature considering he was willing to have fertility treatment.

He sounds pessimistic, glass half empty type, I'm being generous in this description.
Anyway forget him, he's just a man....

Congratulations !

When you have your first baby there is fear, anxiety and about a million different emotions good and bad that race through your head, your hormones will take you to places where you wonder where the hell you are.
All normal, but believe all of us who are moms on this site, that when that baby arrives all those worries will just disolve when you hold it in your arms.
You are going to be a mommy, your own wonderful child, forget about the other man child who keeps bringing you down.

He had himself prepped for my baby 95% chance of that. He had probably mentally prepared himself and worked through that. Maybe thinking things like 'of well at least we can be spontaneous'. Now BAM unexpected pregnancy. Give him a chance. ONE chance.

You've won the 'difficult to conceive' lottery. Enjoy that yourself while he catches up.

no baby, not my baby.

Oh for an edit button.

I’m going to be blunt but your so called dear partner needs to get over himself. I suspect he was banking on the 95 % chance you wouldn’t conceive. You need to stop pandering to his ‘worries’. If he was serious about having a child with you what had he done to alleviate his concerns? Right now it’s all about him and he isn’t the one who will doing the majority of heavy lifting.

Make it clear that you won’t waste any more time letting whatever his issues are weigh you down. Tell him about the impact his behaviour is having on you and you can and will go it alone, if he doesn’t buck his ideals up.

@DoesTheQueenOrderChinese

How are you this morning? You should wake with a tingling excitement every day , I hope you do.

🌸

oh no! I feel so bad for you OP. Congratulations on getting pregnant and just know that you will be a lovely mum and have a great future ahead.

I think you should chat to your DP and maybe give him sometime. It took my husband and I sometime to conceive - there were no issues but sometimes it just takes a while. (i'm talking 4 years here!) I think during that time we got used to the idea that we might not have children and that we might have to content ourselves with our wonderful families and nieces and nephews. I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and so excited and happy. My husband admitted he's not as excited as he thought he would be. I think its a combination of it still seeming unreal, to apprehension of the complete change in our life.
It's unfair that his mood is affecting you and he should be more supportive but try not to jump to the conclusion he doesnt want the baby. Also, and I say this with a lot of kindness having just been in the first trimester myself but hormones do make you over react.
I hope everything works out for your family and wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy!

I think the main thing to remember here is to honour his feelings about this as well as yours (sorry to the man haters). He already has a child and knows what it's like to go through a relationship break up with a child. He may be very comfortable being a 50/50 parent (as is his ex seemingly) and that works for them and he's about to become a full time parent with a DD who isn't there all the time and may feel left out.

So he has a lot to process and a lot to get used to. I think one thing that could stop though, is you comparing this pregnancy to his ex's and how DD was wanted so much etc etc. That's not helpful to your situation right now.

Give him time.

Hi OP

We planned a second baby. I was the one who wanted it, my husband would have been ok with just one. We spoke about it for a quite a few months and then started trying. When I got pregnant though his words were 'oh shit'. It goes from being a hypothetical sibling for your toddler, to the harsh reality that you will soon have a baby and suddenly you remember all the shitty bits of the newborn stage but you know that this time, it's all going to be a bit harder. We both found the newborn stage really really hard and while we wanted another, it did feel like there was the hard stage to 'get through' before we'd start enjoying it all.
It doesn't mean he isnt great with her now and he doesnt regret having her

@BlueVelvetStars thank you for your lovely message. I am super excited deep down but trying not to show it. One because I don't want to get my hopes up and something go wrong but two, because it just highlights how disinterested DP is

I appreciate he has to worry about his DD and how she may feel. I've worried about her and her feeling pushed out so I can't imagine how he feels. At the same time though I want someone to worry about how I'm feeling. I constantly worry about others but it would be nice for someone around me to wonder how I'm doing.

We haven't had much chance to speak properly as we've had his DD and I don't want her to overhear things. All he basically said was he is happy (with the blankest expression in the world) but that it's a shock and he had got his head around it just being me, him and his DD due to our fertility issues. He said he agreed he would have another baby when we met, he knew I wanted a child so he will "honour" what he promised... it's just a strange terminology you shouldn't honour it, you should want it!

It's nice to hear similar stories that have turned out perfectly fine though, they're reassuring :)

Congratulations! Try not to let him get to you if you can avoid it. DD’s dad was just the same (and she was a planned child - but he totally freaked when I became pregnant.) He walked out of the scans, refused to accompany me to ante-natal classes etc etc. Never once felt the baby move inside me.....

He was actually pretty good at the birth, and it all improved from there.

We’re not together any more, but he is an absolutely awesome father, I cannot take that away from him......

I am not saying this to defend your do, who is being a total twat. But I think, from reading around, a number of men do go through this, and most snap out of it eventually (if you can be arsed to wait for them to - that’s another matter.....)

DP sorry.

He said "do not expect me to have another one. I will not have three kids, absolutely no way."

I would really have to bite my tongue not to say 'to be honest, I think I'll be looking for a different father for my next child, given how you've taken the news this time'. How dare he carry on in this self-indulgent way as if someone's done him any injury.