Conspiracy theorist partner

[Beetlewing]

DP is a conspiracy theorist. I've given up talking to him about anything related to ANYTHING. We get on ok as long as I constantly steer the convo away from anything he can get rabid about (was trump, then wayfair, Rothschild lizard people etc etc now it's covid vaccines) you get the picture .
So yesterday we had to go do a job and it meant calling in at a persons house. They were great, personable, genuine but a bit frothy about us wearing masks. Turns out she's an anti-vaxxer. DP took his off I kept mine on and stayed outside. Weirdly, they both became a bit ....conspratiorial. It was almost 'nudge nudge look at this unwoke idiot' sort of thing. I kept my chill. I don't care if people don't want to be safe, I'll do what I do.
So anyway on the drive back he went SO rabid on the subject of vaccines, saying he will not let the kids have a covid vaccine or even the flu vaccine (yeah ok not his decision) and so I told him I had my covid vax appt is this week and he started actually crying! Said how he was worried the kids wouldn't have a mum, scared for me etc etc obvs I told him to stop being so fucking dramatic. It's almost as if seeing another person who thinks like he does IRL (not on Reddit or YouTube lol) amped him up!
The way he carried on led me into thinking about cults and how this behaviour is just so incredibly culty. The manipulation, the histrionics. I just wanted to share with you the level of wank I put up with. There's no way I'd LTB because the kids love him, we have an good home set up and I am enough of an independent minded, critical thinking person I can mostly shrug it off, I still see it as (attempted) controlling behaviour. isn't it? And it's exhausting. does anyone with experience have any tips on dealing with this sort of thing?

I would leave him before he infects your kids with this nonsense. but then I cant bear this kind if shite , it irritates me beyond measure - I have so many real life things to worry about all this creating drama out of nothing drives me nuts

I'd be worried about what the kids are learning from him in this situation. He cried because you were going to have the COVID vaccination, and you put up with this?

And yes, I can imagine it is exhausting. How long are you going to live like that until the exhaustion becomes too much? He may not be a B, but I'd L him anyway - he's never going to change, and I wouldn't let my kids be raised by someone like that.

If you want to live like this then don't get into discussion about it, don't stop your children from the vaccine, when you go on holiday you'll have to leave him behind if he doesn't want the vaccine, basically get on with life the way you want to, he can stay home and get depressed about all the conspiracies.

He sounds exhausting on every level. And a total idiot. Not very helpful but that’s how it appears to an outsider. I’d be concerned your kids would listen to this batshit panic mongering if I were you.

@seensome

If you want to live like this then don't get into discussion about it, don't stop your children from the vaccine, when you go on holiday you'll have to leave him behind if he doesn't want the vaccine, basically get on with life the way you want to, he can stay home and get depressed about all the conspiracies.

Exactly!

The kids are plain speaking, critical thinking, level headed kids. Fortunately! We gave them that grounding, (and it was how I was brought up) before he started going off on a tangent. Social media bears some of the responsibility but he's always been a bit flaky and into the woo side of things. Knobhead 😂

Yeah, he's a knobhead.
My ex was a bit like this and went through phases of being really bad (turned out he was flirting with some woman on WhatsApp who was a conspiracy theorist).
It was really wearing over time - if it wasn't reptilian lizard people it was chemtrails. If it wasn't chemtrails it was Bilderberg.
I'm so glad I'm not with him any more during this pandemic as it would be unbearable. I do have some concerns about the vaccine but these are not related to conspiracy theories and are related to my own personal health.

I think you need to completely ignore all this conspiracy theory nonsense and change the subject when he starts. Crying about your COVID vaccine is absolutely ridiculous. Your body, your choice. And similarly, his body, his choice. He does not have to have it if he does not want to but he has no right to say what you can or can't do and employ emotional blackmail to get his own way.

As for the children, if the government recommends that they be vaccinated then you can at that point decide whether to vaccinate them but really childhood vaccinations are non-negotiable. He can't start refusing to have them vaccinated for other things - eg. tetanus boosters, MMR etc. just because he hangs round with an anti-vaxxer.

My partner is the same. Covid never existed apparently. Hhhm I had covid , daughter had covid and me and daughter both worked on a covid assessment unit.
I've had both of my vaccinations. He won't have his. His choice.
He spends his time watching idiots on YouTube , stalking immigrants, stalking police, and the wankas that came into hospitals filming outpatients at 2am 🙄
P.s since vaccination my phone signal is still shit and I can't control electrical items with mind control or by waving my hand . Quite disappointed actually 😂

I couldn’t be dealing with that, I honestly don’t know how you find it attractive . I’d have the ick so so bad. You must have a stomach made of iron to go near him.

Is he generally quite a controlling type?

I tend to think, based on experience, its those with a constant need for control that lap all this crap up...

He sounds more than ordinarily nutty @Beetlewing, is he mentally stable?

A problem is that people with conspiracy theory/anti-vaxxer/general craziness outlook are impervious to rational argument, no matter how intelligent they are.

Perhaps one approach with him would be to tell him that he's to keep his tinfoil-hat ideas to himself, and that he is not to raise them within the family.

How old are your children, how do you explain your DH to them?

He is past the point of no return. I could not be with someone whose values were in such opposition to my own.

Good grief. I know the type. They watch YouTube videos that only back up their views so there is no balance or perspective. Similarly,they are often on the lower side of the IQ spectrum and think believing these theories makes them look intelligent. I know a few men like this who are laughed at by their mates behind their back.

@drinkingwineoutofamug

My partner is the same. Covid never existed apparently. Hhhm I had covid , daughter had covid and me and daughter both worked on a covid assessment unit. I've had both of my vaccinations. He won't have his. His choice. He spends his time watching idiots on YouTube , stalking immigrants, stalking police, and the wankas that came into hospitals filming outpatients at 2am 🙄 P.s since vaccination my phone signal is still shit and I can't control electrical items with mind control or by waving my hand . Quite disappointed actually 😂

I would be concerned for his mental health and I would also find it really hard to stay with someone so detached from reality as it would make me worry their boundaries weren't healthy at all in other parts of their life.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You state your kids love him, well children love parents anyway no matter how crap they are. You do not state that you love him so what does that tell you about your relationship as well?. Your children are not glue nor should be used as such to bind you to him. A supposed good home set up is no reason to remain with such a man either.

If you did not have children by him would you be with him now?. Likely not and why would you want to saddle yourself to a knobhead like him anyway?. Just how low is your relationship bar?. Where do you see yourself in a years time, still with him?.

I know someone who was a real Covid denier. Then his closest friend died of it, and he's changed his tune now.

@regularsizerudy

Thank you for that link to the conspiracy theory chart, very interesting.

I've looked her up -she's not an academic but it rings true.

I've sent the link to about 10 friends!

He sounds unhinged seriously. I can't bear these covid deniers who think they are above everybody else and think anyone who believes is 'stupid'. It's very narcissistic behaviour. Yes we're all entitled to our opinions but when it's seriously impacting your interactions with him it's going to be very difficult. What does he feel about the situation in India now, does he think there are a load of actors paid to pretend to collapse on the streets etc?

I have a friend who has become sucked into this conspiracy stuff and i'm seriously worried for her. But I listen to what she has to say and she listens to what I have to say, and we don't let it affect our friendship, everyone has different views after all. I won't let her go as a friend though. But when that person is your partner and they are doing dramatic things like he's done it's going to be very difficult.

The pair of you need to either agree to disagree but find some middle ground or otherwise it's going to grate on you that you have such widely opposing views. Sorry if that's stating the obvious. If either of you can't reach some sort of civil understanding then the relationship is a bit doomed..

I have a friend who has become sucked into this conspiracy stuff and i'm seriously worried for her. But I listen to what she has to say and she listens to what I have to say, and we don't let it affect our friendship, everyone has different views after all. I won't let her go as a friend though. But when that person is your partner and they are doing dramatic things like he's done it's going to be very difficult.

I have a friend like this too. I live in another country so haven't seen her for years but she's on facebook. She shares all the COVID conspiracy theory stuff as well as everything about QAnon. It's just a nightmare. If anyone calls her out on it she just blocks them.
She has a long history of mental health issues and this is just making everything worse.
I think that many people with fragile mental health are vulnerable to this sort of stuff and go all out for it. I don't know why and I'm not a mental health professional, I'm just basing it on my own observations of people I know (and I'm also not saying that everyone with mental health issues is a conspiracy theorist obviously).

I don’t see how you stay with someone like this

I wouldn’t have any respect for someone who believed this shit and your children are still hearing it, even if you do think it doesn’t affect them

@Shoxfordian

I don’t see how you stay with someone like this

I wouldn’t have any respect for someone who believed this shit and your children are still hearing it, even if you do think it doesn’t affect them

This, and to be so so deluded he sits and cries because you’re going to be vaccinated would indicate to me he is deeply mentally unwell. He is sitting believing bizzare conspiracy theories and to an extreme extent.

He should not be round children or allowed to influence them, this stuff is very damaging, to grow up knowing your father is this ill and is no longer capable of rational thought.

My ex was like this - got worse after I left him tbh. It was the way he looked down on me for not sharing all of his views that I found the hardest.

But now he's one of those crazy Facebook ranting sharing photos of empty hospital ward type people, and I'm mainly glad I don't have to be associated with that shit anymore.

Don't have much advice on how to cope I'm afraid, for me it was really like he'd slowly joined a religion and that was it - everything outside that wasn't true any more. Only you know if you're happy to live that way.

I think the covid vaccination stuff has turned a lot of people a bit weird, on one hand I can honestly see why so many people are worried about having it and possibly boycotting having it due to the whole “we don’t know the long term effects” I mean, we don’t really, but the pandemic has kind of forced it upon us unfortunately. I’ve had my vaccine, but I get it, I honestly do, I won’t be letting my children have it. When it comes to adults though that is their own and personal decision, he can’t guilt trip you into not having it just as you can’t make him have it. I think when it comes to vaccinating your kids against covid you’ll both have to sit down together, discuss it and make that decision as parents with the information you have at the time.

As for the other stuff, someone explained these flat earth, lizard people conspiracy theorist to me like this: it’s a sort of cult when you think about it, a lot of people feel like they’re part of a group and if they’ve found it hard to fit in before it’s just a way of having somewhere they “fit”.

If leaving him isn’t an option then I guess you have to make peace with it, however frustrating.

I would find this really hard to deal with. There's a very fine line between the merely silly and bizarre (e.g. lizards) and dangerous, antiSemitic, and controlling. Watching the US Capitol being attacked a few months ago was terrifying. You know your husband well enough to know which side he's falling on.

In terms of what to do, there's a whole reddit forum devoted to people who have loved ones who got stuck in QAnon. There's also a great New York Times story-turned-podcast, Rabbit Hole, which is about both the descent into extremism and conspiracy and people coming out of it. It's amazing how algorithms can take hold and take people down a very peculiar (and dangerous) path.

P.s since vaccination my phone signal is still shit and I can't control electrical items with mind control or by waving my hand . Quite disappointed actually 😂

Can't you?

You've been given one from a duff batch. I can unlock doors by farting now. Cool trick!! 💨