Need a woman's advice on my situation

[Fuller92]

Just looking for advice off any women as to a difficult position I'm in as the past year me and my partner had gone through a really bad time as she got pregnant with our second child without my knowledge at the time as she secretly stop taking her contraception even tho we had talks as I didn't want to have anymore children with her due to her almost dying from the first one due to her having health problems so due to this my head had been a complete mess and I couldn't think strait and I was just pushing her away in the end I moved out in November because of all the stuff going on in my head even tho my heart was telling me to stay but eitherway she started talking to a guy of tinder even tho she kept telling me she wanted me back but by February I realised I had made a mistake but I was to afraid to tell her how I really felt I was almost ready to tell her by March but she was starting to push me away then end of March after taking my daughter home I found out that she was with this guy and she wanted nothing to do with me other than Co parent this guy that she is with seems very pushy and to forward as he had only slept with her the day they met and 2 days later he was buying her expensive gifts and stuff for my kids but recently I found out that the gifts that he got her was the same as what he got his ex possibly even belongs to her people have told me I should tell my ex but I don't think it will change anything as I really do want her back but she is still hurt as I wasn't there for her when she needed me most and as I can't stress enough I was in a bad place at the time people keep saying to just give it time as he is probably just a rebound but I can't see that being the case as I know how my ex isdue to her being insecure and not like being on her own but as I said I made the biggest mistake of my life by walking out and was a month to late to fix all of this just don't know what to do.

That was a hard read as it was one sentence. 😊

Anyway my take, it’s over. You left her in November, it is nearly May now, she has moved on. You need to focus on the co parenting. There is no point telling her what you think you know about the gifts either.

I don't think there is anything you can do.

You made your decision and now she has made hers.

Tbh, I an understand your feelings around the second pregnancy but you chose to deal with it by leaving. Should you have done that? I don't know. She had stopped using contraception despite knowing your feelings on it.

It doesn't sound like either of you made brilliant choices and now Shenington compounding it with this Tinder man. Tbh, I'd be very wary ofnany man who got involved with a pregnant woman and then started splashing the cash around on gifts for them all.

I think all you can do is sit back, work on yourself, do the co-parenting, be a good father and then see how things pan out. This new man is unlikely to stick around butbyou hurt her by leaving, she was probably terrified at having a second child alone and was looking for a distraction/security.

Just to clarify I didn't leave until 5 weeks after the child was born and I was still helping her out after I left and we was still being intimate on occasions but even tho she is with this guy we have still been spending close time together as I stayed of her house the weekend gone and we was cuddle up watching films this is why I'm confused as people have said it's clear she still has some feelings for me she just doesn't see that I'm just confused about it all but like I have said people have just told me to give it time and she will come back but I dunno

If you were pushing away your pregnant partner I can understand why she might not want to be with you anymore.

You talk a lot about your own feelings and headspace issues but haven’t mentioned hers in the entire post.

You say in your post that you walked out, I’m assuming on her and your first child. I can imagine being left pregnant and looking after a child as a single parent for the first time was extremely stressful for her.

Sounds like a difficult situation. If she seems happy with this new man then maybe it’s time to accept that she has moved on and have a discussion about co-parenting expectations.

None of the above said to be nasty or a ‘troll’, just my take on what you’ve said.

I'm not sure that this relationship was much of a loss to be fair.

She sneaked around and got pregnant because she stopped taking her pill without telling you.
You checked out of the relationship, you moved out.
She slept with someone else, and has accepted gifts for your children from him VERY early on. I won't even start with the lockdown stuff.

Honestly right now, I'd say concentrate on your kids and try to forget about the relationship with her. Neither of you tried too hard to get back together and now someone else is involved.

I'm sorry, but I really do think you need to accept that it's over

Loving how some of the die hard mumsnet clan are blaming you on this one 🤣

So to cut it short, we have a woman in a so called committed relationship that sneaked around getting pregnant by lieing to you about birth control, then 4 months afterwards moved on (Well within her rights) but introducing some random bloke to the kids within 4 months of their dad leaving.
And yet its your fault for moving out, to I presume give space from arguing in front of said kids.

If youd have stayed and argued, you'd have got slammed for that as well.

Anyway, I don't think there's a future for you both and you're better off concentrating on Co parenting to the best of your abilities. It wouldn't surprise me if she decides she wants you back, if the other fella decides it's not for him, but I do hope you stay strong and invest your time and energy into yourself, before meeting someone else

When I left she was trying everything for me to come back but I wasn't thinking straight I didn't know what to do as I've
Never been in this situation before obviously I didn't take her feelings into consideration at the time not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't see what I was doing as I said after having time to think I realised I had made a massive mistake and I tried to sort things out but I was too late but the way she is being with me now still gives me hope as I said recently we had been spending close time together even tho she is with this other guy

Just breaking down your OP, you

• were unhappy about her being pregnant
• pushed her away while she was pregnant, despite saying that she nearly died in childbirth the first time round
• left her when the baby was FIVE WEEKS OLD and with an older one to care for as well
• ignored her attempts to reconcile

and now that she's moved on and found someone else, you've decided you DO want her back after all, and your solution is to shit-stir about the gifts her new boyfriend has given her?

Amicable co-parenting and the occasional film together sounds like a remarkably good outcome in the circumstances. I think you may need to accept it's over.

What Karma said.

And no I decided to sort things out with her before I knew about this guy

Three things OP

1. Please use punctuation, otherwise your posts are very difficult to read.

1. It’s over. Even if she does still want you, do you want to keep going round this drama loop for the rest of your life? Move on, for the sake of your own sanity.

1. If you don’t want to get a woman pregnant then either use condoms or don’t have sex. Why do you think somebody else should take responsibility for your sperm? Don’t come complaining that she didn’t take her pills because you didn’t use contraception either. Be an adult and take responsibility yourself, then you can’t moan that you’ve been deceived.

And at the same time I want to point out that I went to every available appointment during her pregnancy until the hospital wouldn't allow it cos of covid rules

recently we had been spending close time together even tho she is with this other guy
If she does this with him, she'll do it with you.
She seems manipulative - she's nice to you when you're useful. You get your hopes up, then she drops you when she finds another option.
And you are flaky: if something goes wrong again you'll leave again, won't you?
Are you both quite young? What plans do you have for your life?

Firstly. Use sentences. It's very hard to read one block of writing.

Doesn't sound like there's anything you can do. It's a very messy situation. You have broken up now. She is with someone else. All you can do is be there for your children and learn from any mistakes you made before you get in another relationship.

And to answer your questions no I won't leave again we had been together for seven years and I had a moment of weakness yes she is afraid that I would leave again that I do understand but I didn't want to leave in the first place I can't even explain what drove we to leave other than my heart was in the right place but my head wasn't and unfortunately I listened to the wrong thing

You said you didnt want her to get pregnant because of her health, not because you didnt want another baby. Maybe she thought that was her choice , not yours. Be a good dad, be her friend, dont get nasty about the boyfriend, if shes happy leave well alone and see how things play out. Life has a way of sorting itself out if your meant to be together you will be.

From your last few posts it seems she will be with men for the sake of it. Maybe it makes her feel better etc. I don't think you could trust each other. She won't trust you to not walk away and you can't trust her to not be with other men.

And again. Use punctuation. I'm dyslexic so I know it's hard. But when you get to the end of a sentence use a full stop. Then a capital letter for the next sentence.

I think you both made some really crap choices.

If you were so adamant you didn’t want another child you should have taken responsibility for contraception yourself.

She absolutely shouldn’t have stopped taking the pill without telling you though - that’s a terrible thing to do.

I’m not sure why you stayed for the entire pregnancy then decided to leave when the baby was 5 weeks old. I get that you say your head was a mess but you had the length of the pregnancy to come to terms with things and either decide to forgive and make the best of it or decide to leave. You waited till the baby was here and then chose to leave, you ignored her attempts to get back together.

She’s taken you at your word and decided to move on. Sounds like she’s moving a bit quick with the tinder guy and I don’t think she should be introducing someone new to the children so quickly - have you spoken to her about this? Have you met him? Are you comfortable for him to be around the children - not from a jealous ex point of view but from a parents point of view.

I think you should have some proper grown up conversations with her. Just be honest and say that you feel you made a mistake and wish you could get back together to try again, is that something she would still be interested in? If yes then great, how is that going to work - what needs to happen from both of you and how can you start to rebuild the communication and trust between you again. Obviously this means tinder guy needs to go. If she says no then respect that and put a stop to the cosy film night cuddles, put some boundaries in place and have a proper conversation about how you’re going to move forward as co-parents. How is custody going to be split? How are finances working? How will you deal with introducing new partners in future etc.

This whole thing is a mess.

You have both made massive mistakes, and both you and her will find it hard to forgive the other.

If you get back together this will get dragged back up during every argument, both of you will be suspicious of the other and it won't be even half the relationship it originally was.

You need to stop the cuddles and intimacy and simply be a parent. Its a hard transition to make but for your sake, her sake, and the sake of the kids you need to put appropriate boundaries in place and move on.

Well I am concerned about this guy as an ex of his has had a restraing order and another ex has had a crb check against him my ex said that's his past so it don't bother her but I had to bring to her attention that when I last had my daughter she woke up in the middle of the night upset and wouldn't let me touch her and kept saying funny man and thats what she call my exs new boyfriend. My ex spoke to my daughter about this but she said nothing on the matter obviously if it happens again then I will be forced to get the police involved for the safety of my daughter but that just brings more problems.

Obviously I have forgiven her and I'm still In the process of trying to forgive myself as this is the biggest regret of my life I made a huge mistake regardless of what I was dealing with in my head I know I should of stayed. If I could go back and change things then I would but unfortunately this is the real world and I have to deal with what I have done.

You didn't feel the need to write that this guy has harrassed exes and has had police involvement and that you think he is abusing your daughter in your initial post?

You will be able to request information about him through the police if you have very real concerns.

If you genuinely believe he is abusing your daughter then you need to get SS involved and protect her.

Its a very common tactic of father wishing to control their ex to say their new partner is abusing the kids though so you need to do things the correct way to protect your daughter properly and so that your concerns are listened to.

You want to be with someone who puts her love life before your children's safety? And that's what you're posting about?
Poor little mites.

I'm not saying that he is abusing my daughter it could be nothing maybe he just scared her one time I don't know but all I'm saying is if it is to happen again then yes I will have to get an investigation put in place and I know my ex wouldn't put my daughter in harms way but I can still have my concerns

If what you have said there is 100% truthful, that your dd woke up upset, saying this guys name and wouldnt allow you to touch her, and the guy has a track record of abuse then you are failing your dd by waiting to see if it happens again before doing anything about it.

How old is your daughter?