Need a woman's advice on my situation

[Fuller92]

Just looking for advice off any women as to a difficult position I'm in as the past year me and my partner had gone through a really bad time as she got pregnant with our second child without my knowledge at the time as she secretly stop taking her contraception even tho we had talks as I didn't want to have anymore children with her due to her almost dying from the first one due to her having health problems so due to this my head had been a complete mess and I couldn't think strait and I was just pushing her away in the end I moved out in November because of all the stuff going on in my head even tho my heart was telling me to stay but eitherway she started talking to a guy of tinder even tho she kept telling me she wanted me back but by February I realised I had made a mistake but I was to afraid to tell her how I really felt I was almost ready to tell her by March but she was starting to push me away then end of March after taking my daughter home I found out that she was with this guy and she wanted nothing to do with me other than Co parent this guy that she is with seems very pushy and to forward as he had only slept with her the day they met and 2 days later he was buying her expensive gifts and stuff for my kids but recently I found out that the gifts that he got her was the same as what he got his ex possibly even belongs to her people have told me I should tell my ex but I don't think it will change anything as I really do want her back but she is still hurt as I wasn't there for her when she needed me most and as I can't stress enough I was in a bad place at the time people keep saying to just give it time as he is probably just a rebound but I can't see that being the case as I know how my ex isdue to her being insecure and not like being on her own but as I said I made the biggest mistake of my life by walking out and was a month to late to fix all of this just don't know what to do.

I know MN can be die hard on the woman's side... But this is a woman who tricked OP into having a baby because she stopped taking the pill without his knowledge. That's deplorable. OP you're better off without her.

She will be 5 in May and I didn't say he had a track record of abuse all I said was there was a restraing order from one relationship and a crb check from the one after which was supposed to be clean according to my ex as he's has ment to have shown her

@KarmaViolet

Just breaking down your OP, you

• were unhappy about her being pregnant
• pushed her away while she was pregnant, despite saying that she nearly died in childbirth the first time round
• left her when the baby was FIVE WEEKS OLD and with an older one to care for as well
• ignored her attempts to reconcile

and now that she's moved on and found someone else, you've decided you DO want her back after all, and your solution is to shit-stir about the gifts her new boyfriend has given her?

Amicable co-parenting and the occasional film together sounds like a remarkably good outcome in the circumstances. I think you may need to accept it's over.

Did you miss the bit where she got pregnant without his consent?

An individual cannot get a CRB/DBS check on a partner.

To get a restraining order there needs to be police involvement. So he has certainly been abusive.

Your dd has woken up inconsolable, not allowing you to touch her and saying this guys name. Your ex seems more concerned with the new partner and you seem more concerned with reconciling with your ex. This poor kid is being badly let down by both her parents being obsessed with their love lives.

I'm just going on the information given to me by my ex whether it's accurate I can't answer that as I only know what she has told me and as I have said she will always put the kids first not a doubt about it as she always make sure kids are covered up and so on, and as I have said she spoke to my daughter about the night she woke up upset and she had nothing to say I have to have trust in her as well as the kids because if I was to take things further and I'm wrong about it then that's just going to cause even bigger problems

if I was to take things further and I'm wrong about it then that's just going to cause even bigger problems

And if you don't take things further, and the man with the history of abuse that your daughter was crying and scared about is allowed to continue doing whatever he may be doing then that will cause even bigger problems for your daughter.

As a parent you should be more concerned about your daughters health and wellbeing and less concerned about problems it may cause with your ex.

Seriously, look at the facts objectively here.

Also, given what you have said about your ex she absolutely doesn't put the kids first either. Introducing a new boyfriend who is a stranger to her allowing him to spend nights over and time with the kids within a few days of splitting up with their father is not putting them first at all.

Look at the end of the day I haven't come on here to talk shit about my ex yes I still love and care about no we both haven't dealt with things the best way but I will not sit by and alow someone to basically call her a bad mother because of her current choices she is the best mother any child could ask for she is always there for the kids they are always washed, dressed, fed taken on days out they are loved and looked after she may be making few bad choices at the moment but she is a great mum.

Your whole first post was talking shit about her.

You are more concerned with getting your ex back than you are with your daughter potentially being abused, so your judgement here is about as good as your exes.

I'll leave you to it now, but I really pity your dc. Nobody is protecting them, or even putting them first here.

Virtually all of your posts are 'me, me, me; woe is me', completely disregarding the impact all of this has had on your daughter. I mean she gets a new sibling, the whole house must've been tense in the run up, dad ups and leaves and there's this new bloke on the scene as well. And you're concerned about yourself.

And while I don't condone what your ex did, you left and are now annoyed that instead of grovelling to get you back, she's found a new guy.

Focus on your damn kids.

@Fuller92

Well I am concerned about this guy as an ex of his has had a restraing order and another ex has had a crb check against him my ex said that's his past so it don't bother her but I had to bring to her attention that when I last had my daughter she woke up in the middle of the night upset and wouldn't let me touch her and kept saying funny man and thats what she call my exs new boyfriend. My ex spoke to my daughter about this but she said nothing on the matter obviously if it happens again then I will be forced to get the police involved for the safety of my daughter but that just brings more problems.

All of this should be your primary concern, not whether or not you'll get back together with her. Baffling this wasn't priority in your first post.

FWIW I think that it's terrible of her to purposefully stop taking the pill when she knew full well that you didn't want to be the father of another child with her.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

If what you have said there is 100% truthful, that your dd woke up upset, saying this guys name and wouldnt allow you to touch her, and the guy has a track record of abuse then you are failing your dd by waiting to see if it happens again before doing anything about it.

How old is your daughter?

Absolutely this.

@Fuller92

Look at the end of the day I haven't come on here to talk shit about my ex yes I still love and care about no we both haven't dealt with things the best way but I will not sit by and alow someone to basically call her a bad mother because of her current choices she is the best mother any child could ask for she is always there for the kids they are always washed, dressed, fed taken on days out they are loved and looked after she may be making few bad choices at the moment but she is a great mum.

Eh? People are massively flagging that if what you say is true re your child waking up, saying his name, being upset and not wanting you to touch her then you're under reacting. And reacting to the wrong thing.

You asked your daughter about it further and say you need to trust her response. She's 5. She can't verbalise lots of things yet and even if she could might not want to, which is why safeguarding is down to parents and not the child.

Have you spoken to your ex about that incident?

@Fuller92

Just to clarify I didn't leave until 5 weeks after the child was born and I was still helping her out after I left and we was still being intimate on occasions but even tho she is with this guy we have still been spending close time together as I stayed of her house the weekend gone and we was cuddle up watching films this is why I'm confused as people have said it's clear she still has some feelings for me she just doesn't see that I'm just confused about it all but like I have said people have just told me to give it time and she will come back but I dunno

Do you know how to use punctuation? It's so difficult to read what you have written.

There is a saying on mumsnet that a man never leaves unless there is another woman lined up. What were you doing whilst your partner was exhaustingly looking after your children. Sat in a quiet room playing x box? I don't think so.

Was the grass appearing greener for a while until you realised she was no longer wating for you to grow up. You took a chance it backfired on you spectacularly, even if she took you back you would probably punish her in the future for being in love with someone else.
He sounds stronger than you, as you would have kicked off and fought for her, as it is you are resigned with the fact you have lost.
You took her for granted, bad decision.

As for your children, you need expert advice, if you are genuinly concerned abou the welfare of your children with is man you must act.
What do her family say about this man are they not concerned he is staying in their house so early in the relationship.
Forget the relationship, step up and think of the children, you lost your partner but please look after those children.

Yes I spoke to my ex and she spoke to my daughter alone and my daughter had nothing to say like as if she didn't have the bad dream waking up scared so that lowered my ex concerns on the matter thats why I have previously said it could of been nothing he could of maybe scared her one time I don't know.

@Onthedunes

There is a saying on mumsnet that a man never leaves unless there is another woman lined up. What were you doing whilst your partner was exhaustingly looking after your children. Sat in a quiet room playing x box? I don't think so.

Was the grass appearing greener for a while until you realised she was no longer wating for you to grow up. You took a chance it backfired on you spectacularly, even if she took you back you would probably punish her in the future for being in love with someone else.
He sounds stronger than you, as you would have kicked off and fought for her, as it is you are resigned with the fact you have lost.
You took her for granted, bad decision.

As for your children, you need expert advice, if you are genuinly concerned abou the welfare of your children with is man you must act.
What do her family say about this man are they not concerned he is staying in their house so early in the relationship.
Forget the relationship, step up and think of the children, you lost your partner but please look after those children.

I can assure you there was no one else lined up and no the grass didn't appear greener on the other side my head was in a bad place and I made a bad decision as I wasn't thinking straight we had been together for seven years no problems both was happy just this past year went down hill amongst other thing that haven't help like lockdown and a current health problem that I'm waiting on surgery for just every thing that has happened this past year had piled up and I broke leaving wasn't something I wanted to do it broke my heart when I walked out the door but it just felt like something was pulling me to do it and I don't know why.

Why exactly do you want a relationship with her? She lied to you, she’s messing you about with this new guy. Focus on your kids.

Op is it getting through to you that YOUR DAUGHTER IS POTENTIALLY BEING ABUSED?

Your ex is making extremely shit parenting decisions, your daughter is scared, this man has a history of abuse, yet you left it to your ex to ask your dd about her being so scared she woke up at night saying his name. Your dd is 5, she won't be able to articulate what went on to make her so scared, especially if the guy is manipulative as your first post suggests.

All you are concerned about is your relationship status. Meanwhile your kids are being absolutely failed by both of their parents.

Fucking hell, this is absolutely disgusting.

@Regularsizedrudy

Why exactly do you want a relationship with her? She lied to you, she’s messing you about with this new guy. Focus on your kids.

Because no one is perfect we all make mistakes obviously since I have had time to bond with my son I did forgive her and I'm glad that she had him and thats why I wanted to make things up with her she still wanted me back at the time but when I finally got round to telling her how I felt I was a month to late like I said neither of us are perfect but nor are we bad people the situation just got messy

But it sounds like you only want to be together so you can be a family unit, not that you’re in love with her. Is that really enough?

I feel sick to my stomach. My opinion as a woman? You need to protect your children.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Op is it getting through to you that YOUR DAUGHTER IS POTENTIALLY BEING ABUSED?

Your ex is making extremely shit parenting decisions, your daughter is scared, this man has a history of abuse, yet you left it to your ex to ask your dd about her being so scared she woke up at night saying his name. Your dd is 5, she won't be able to articulate what went on to make her so scared, especially if the guy is manipulative as your first post suggests.

All you are concerned about is your relationship status. Meanwhile your kids are being absolutely failed by both of their parents.

Fucking hell, this is absolutely disgusting.

All of this.

Asking a 5 year old if someone has hurt them and just relying on their answer is shit parenting.

Whether he's done something or not, it would scare the shit out of most parents and they wouldn't just ask and then move on.

Especially if the man in question has a proven history of abusive behaviour (restraining order) and was introduced to the family home very quickly and very intensely.

You say she calls him 'funny man' I think? Where's she got that from?

@Regularsizedrudy

But it sounds like you only want to be together so you can be a family unit, not that you’re in love with her. Is that really enough?

Well the problem is that I never stopped loving her yes I do want to be a family unit again as there is more good than bad we had a good relationship its just the stuff that's happened the past year that is the problem and I have realised where I have gone wrong, as well as I am a strong believer in if its worth having it worth fighting for so don't want this past year to be the reason it all ends life is to short to hold a grudge having forgiveness is what makes us better as people because without it your left with hate and resentment and that just leads down a darker path.

Drip feed of the century there bro 🤔

She calls him funny man because he make her laugh and spends time with her when my ex partner is around of course and she assured me they have never been left alone and he is hardly at the house