Sleazbag H , please help me buy some time

[Wholetthedogsout1]

Hello,

I've posted a while ago, before the pandemic, about my ogling, sleazy, creepy H. I'm sadly still with him, sad and desperate that things only got worse.

Just to summarise: sleazing at waitresses (his fav sleaze material), women walking alone, particularly those wearing tight tops or short skirts; now with the lockdown the sleaze opportunities have dwindled so he's turned to mums in playgrounds, women walking their dogs etc. I'm just so sick and tired of this, I can't bring myself to write everything I have witnessed in this nightmare of a 4 year marriage. Just sick that this is the guy that showed me so many red flags from the beginning and I ignored them.

I feel helpless, how can I survive this nightmare? Over the last year or so, I avoided going out with him, literally me with DD most of the time and he is taking DD once or twice a week on his own. I always find excuses about why I don't want to go out together, however when we do go out occasionally I feel sick. I now have to put up with this on a short holiday.

Please help me buy some time. What can I do to survive this nightmare for another 6 months or so. Talking to him about his behaviour never helps, it always gets worse. Anything cynical, passive aggressive etc.

Why do you need to wait 6 months? Whats the thinking there?

I have some health issues to sort out, plus I need to prepare. I can't just get out of this tomorrow, I don't have a job.

how about working on your behind the scenes plans to give you a feeling of being in control of your own destiny with a better future awaiting

first step keep it somewhere encrypted where he cant access!
Accept that he is beyond help and keep your eyes on the horizon

What has he said when you called him out on his sleazing?

@Miasicarisatia sounds like a good plan. Not sure where to start?

@Outbutnotoutout the usual, I'm a jealous person, he hasn't done anything wrong...he's got a quirk, when he couldn't deny it.

I wouldn't bother trying to talk to him anymore. Make your plans.

What do you need? An income, a roof over your head, clothes for you and DD. Find out how much a small flat would cost. Use one of the benefit calculator website to work out how much you'll be entitled to. Do you have family and friends who could help with furniture, or with caring for DD so you can work?

Oh right makes sense. I would start bullet journalling and thinking about what needs to happen. Pick 3 things, do them, then see what the next 3 things are. Have you get any friends you could be accountable to? So eg next time we meet i will have done xyz.

@funnylittlefloozie no one knows what I'm going through. With the lockdown, we haven't met anyone for over a year. Most of my friends are single and childless and very much into their own little worlds, don't think they'd know what to do.

I'm meeting a friend around end of May, she's very experienced and very assertive, but she doesn't live locally and I'm planning to get everything off my chest to her then. She'd be shocked as she thinks I live a fairytale life.

What is he actually doing? You say he's ogling but is he actually saying horrible things to the women? Make sure you have evidence and get a diary to write every instance down

@ReginaaPhalange this is what I posted in Feb 2020. I booked a solicitor in March 2020 and then the lockdown came. Things got better in the lockdown as we were mostly at home.

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I've been married for 3 years now and have a 2 yo DD. My H is an ogler/sleazebag. He's not been like this in the beginning, he was quite shy and very keen on our relationship, very thoughtful and desperate for us to start a family.

Ever since he got comfortable in our relationship he started ogling women, all the time. Wherever we go, particularly restaurants. Waitresses, women sitting alone in the restaurant, women walking down the street, you name it. It's like me and our DD are not there. I didn't pay much attention at first but it's got worse and now it's all the time, smiles at them, then turns his head (if we are in the street), constantly looking and following the waitreses with his eyes. It's beyond embarrassing and I hate going out with him.

A couple of weeks ago we had a huge argument, I pointed this out to him, I gave him multiple examples and he didn't deny it. He was probably just surprised that I noticed it. He said, it's not something sexual and it's not meant to be disrespectful, it's just a quirk of his. We discussed a few other issues and he promised he'd stop this behaviour.

For quite a few weeks I refused to go out with him, we do very few things as a family, I usually just organise things with my DD during the week and at weekends I send him out with her to the park.

Today, I agreed to go out with him, we ended up in a supermarket on the way home and in the queue a young woman was paying for her shopping. He was staring at her, smiling, then popped out of the queue and continued to do so. When she left he turned his head after her. Then in the afternoon we went for a walk to a nearby park, he was walking ahead of us and a woman passed by us. I could see he 'measured' her, looking up and down and after she passed turned his head. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm a sahm and I haven't worked for 3 years. My financials are not great and my health could be better. What do I do?!! I cannot leave him right now, if I didn't have DD I'd have been gone ages ago. We also planned our first holiday abroad since DD was born and I know he'll ruin it, just like he ruined every other holiday.

He's is alright otherwise, does most of the house work, helps with DD, we have a good lifestyle and there is no abuse, physical or verbal.

But this is killing me and I don't see myself staying with him for the rest of my life. What do I do?!

Has the obviousness of his leering increased since you originally brought this up?

I'm going back to your post that you just pasted and it strikes me that his behaviour sounds really exaggerated. Like he is making damn sure you notice every single time he looks at another woman. Because he wants you feeling insecure.

I think any "normal" person, on being told by their spouse "This behaviour of yours is really upsetting me" would seek to curb that behaviour. Even if I thought a partner was making a fuss about nothing, being irrational, whatever. If it cost me no effort then why would I not change my behaviour, so as not to upset them? EG - my spouse might ask me to make sure I close the bedroom window because they feel self-conscious about people overhearing bedroom noises. I might think "But our driveway is a mile long and we have no neighbours" but what the hell - it's something that would make them feel better and costs me no time or effort.

In your husband's case, he appears to have actually ramped up the behaviour after you brought it up. That says to me that he likes you on the back foot.

So for now, your strategy has to be to completely ignore the behaviour. Don't comment on it, don't appear to notice, don't make eye contact with him or speak to him when he's doing this. Don't make it obvious what you're doing - I mean he sounds pretty stupid, but he's probably not too stupid to notice, if you're overtly punishing him with silence.

A technique I've used in the past to deal with cunts like this is to imagine a protective bubble around myself, which nobody can see, but that means bad behaviour will simply bounce off me and fall harmlessly to the floor. Maybe you could try this sort of visualisation?

Keep your powder dry, make your plans to escape, get out safely. You can do this.

Jeeze @Wholetthedogsout1 no wonder you're wanting to leave! I totally don't blame you. I would speak to close friends or family to see if they can help get you away from this creep!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank you so much, I feel like you completely understand it. I totally get what you mean about visualising a wall around me and I've been doing these meditations for a while and it did help. But then a few things happen, I get stressed and it gets me again... and I'm back to square one. I find that it's easier when he goes to work, I get a few hours without his creepy face. But with the last lockdown and things not being back to normal, he works from home a lot.

He is literally obsessed with women, doesn't have any male friends and had no social life when I met him. I haven't met anyone like this, cause if I did I would havd known what to run from.

@Wholetthedogsout1 what's his online usage like? Any dodgy behaviour?

@ReginaaPhalange not much going online as far as I can see.

Do the women notice him doing this or just you?

@Regularsizedrudy very much so! And some turn their heads or smile back and some don't. I think he gets a cheap thrill when he gets a positive 'feedback.

He sounds peculiar OP, as if this behaviour is some kind of 'tic' i.e. involuntary, (I'm not saying that to excuse him)
If you find him that unpleasant and objectionable then of course you shouldn't be in a life partnership with him. The point of being with someone is that both your lives are improved, this sounds like a situation where he uses his image as a family man to allow him to get away with odd and antisocial behaviour!

Sorry you're in this position, he sounds awful. What sort of work did you used to do before your had your DD? Do you have any help with childcare, could you find a part time job for now even if it isn't in the field you trained for, just to get some money behind you?

Go to citizens advice and find out what benefits you might be entitled to, it might not be as bad as you think.

Does he know you want to leave him?

[quote Wholetthedogsout1]@Regularsizedrudy very much so! And some turn their heads or smile back and some don't. I think he gets a cheap thrill when he gets a positive 'feedback.[/quote]
Ugh I hate that men like him don't realise that much of the time they get a smile they take to be positive feedback, it's an involuntary grimace wince / 'just smile and try not to make the situation worse' even though he's a creepy fucker type reaction from women who have been conditioned to think men can't help making it obvious they are leering. I used to think they couldn't. Spoiler alert... the decent ones can.

Have you spoken to him about leaving?
I can’t see any other option than to leave him but if you don’t want to do that now maybe if you explain that you are wanting to leave then he might take you seriously and stop doing it.

@Miasicarisatia I doubt it. When I was giving him the benefit of the doubt I thought the same. But it's always women, not any women, young women, especially the ones wearing revealing clothes or lots of make up. Never turns his head after a man or an older woman.

I.e. yesterday we were at a playground, we are away now, and there were about 6, 7 mums in there with their children. We had a walk around it whilst my DD was going on the slides, and all of the sudden I see him turning his head after one of the mums, who was holding a baby. And turn it again and again. The mum also turned her head after him. And she kept looking at him, then at me. My heart sunk, another f..ing embarrassment. Then he moved to a spot where he could see her better and kept looking at her, turning away then looking...I mean, I never see dads behaving like that, ever!

On the way back I invented a story...I said did you see any other man in the playground, he said no. I said there were 2 mums in there, one with a baby, who said watch that creepy man! I said she kept looking in our direction and watching her older son closely. He got really upset and said, really!? He sighed a few times, then said they were all chavs in there!

I thought maybe it makes him think twice about perving in playgrounds, but I don't think anything will ever change his behaviour.

Today we were going to a big supermarket and we've been there 2 days ago. He was driving and in front of us, right where he was supposed to turn, a very young woman, possibly a teen wearing a very short skirt, quite a striking look. He obviously spotted her and just as we passed her he turned his head (whilst driving) and literally missed the turn into the supermarket drive. So we had to join the one way system again, in the freaking heavy traffic, wasted us about 10 mins.