Sleazbag H , please help me buy some time

[Wholetthedogsout1]

Hello,

I've posted a while ago, before the pandemic, about my ogling, sleazy, creepy H. I'm sadly still with him, sad and desperate that things only got worse.

Just to summarise: sleazing at waitresses (his fav sleaze material), women walking alone, particularly those wearing tight tops or short skirts; now with the lockdown the sleaze opportunities have dwindled so he's turned to mums in playgrounds, women walking their dogs etc. I'm just so sick and tired of this, I can't bring myself to write everything I have witnessed in this nightmare of a 4 year marriage. Just sick that this is the guy that showed me so many red flags from the beginning and I ignored them.

I feel helpless, how can I survive this nightmare? Over the last year or so, I avoided going out with him, literally me with DD most of the time and he is taking DD once or twice a week on his own. I always find excuses about why I don't want to go out together, however when we do go out occasionally I feel sick. I now have to put up with this on a short holiday.

Please help me buy some time. What can I do to survive this nightmare for another 6 months or so. Talking to him about his behaviour never helps, it always gets worse. Anything cynical, passive aggressive etc.

@wobblywinelover I have experience and a very good qualifications, but I haven't worked for 4 years now. Don't have any help with my DD, my mother lives abroad and she's unfortunately too ill to help, even if she lived here.

You don't need a job to leave, hopefully get your health sorted but don't wait to have a job. It actually gives you the freedom to go where you want if needs be.

This is really bizarre behaviour. What is his attitude to women in general? Do you think he’s doing it on purpose to hurt you? I can’t imagine any man doing this with the level of consistency you describe

When you met him had he been living in his mum's basement playing video games all day for years and years?
He sounds kind of ....'not properly socialized'

@Miasicarisatia

When you met him had he been living in his mum's basement playing video games all day for years and years? He sounds kind of ....'not properly socialized'

This isn’t really the ops problem though. Not her job.

I'd call him out on it every single time and if they person he was ogling over hears I hope they say something too. You shouldn't be embarrassed he should be.

Absolute creep! Definitely think he’s doing it to make you feel insecure though. Start calling him Benny Hill. Yuck.

@Regularsizedrudy I'm not sure what is the reason, I think partly because he wants to hurt me and partly because he's an absolute crep and a weirdo and get some thrill out of it. It's literally all the time, always on the look out for women.

I think a lot of men notice attractive women, (and of course women notice attractive men) and being in a relationship doesn't stop this - I know the particular look that appeals to my DP, and know that he notices women while we are out & about & am happy with that.

What he doesn't do ever is leer after anyone with his tongue hanging out or make anyone feel uncomfortable.

This behaviour is revolting.

I feel for you op, it must be soul destroying. Very difficult to improve the relationship when everytime you go out he's oggling other women, whether it's intentional or not.
I believe it is intentional.
What to do, if you mention it every time it only creates arguments and if you ignor, you just feel depressed.
I would be the same, I'd never go anywhere again with him, you sound young, I would end the relationship and find an attentative partner who actually notices you when you are out.
He is incredibly rude, ignorant, egotistical and disrespectful.
Bet you've had enough.

This isn’t really the ops problem though. Not her job
Did I say anything which implied otherwise? No. I did not!
Understanding how something came about can be very helpful when it comes to dealing with it, surely that's obvious?

What’s his attitude to women though? Is he a misogynist? I find it hard to believe this is the ONLY thing he does if he does it this regularly..

His attitude is disgusting and would get a very "bitch face stare" back from me. Creepy bustard.

He is totally disrespectful to you and your children and to the women he stares at.

I just couldn't stay with a creep like this.

Whatever you do to leave, make it quick before he destroys your self worth and that of your child.

Could you look at applying for universal credit? As in look for a small flat or house for you a DD to live in them once you’re there apply for the UC? Maybe chat to citizens advice or does your council have a housing deposit scheme? I wouldn’t worry too much re a job you should be entitled to benefits to live on, focus on getting out of the house first.

Oh God he is awful and he has the audacity to do this with his DD around. Has he not seen all the media surrounding how men behave and make women feel uncomfortable and unsafe following the recent murder? I would be tempted to start making comments about him being a dad to a daughter. When he starts leering, how would you feel if a guy looked at your daughter like that / better make sure daughter doesn't wear clothes like that for men to leer at her/ would you look at her like that if her husband or dad was stood there. Make it about her and he may start to realise these women are people not objects. I would be really tempted to video him as to play it back and show him how disrepectful and creepy he looks. That was a great idea about saying you overhead comments at the park, I like your thinking. Sorry if I have missed it, but why not just kick him out, don't be thinking of leaving when you have done no wrong. And I would buy a diary and note down EVERY occasion you see something (there is obviously still work and when out alone) but if there is a huge diary from just what you see, he can't argue there won't be even more when you are not and it will show him in writing how bad he is that he can't argue with. And if you need any more motivation than others have already written, as your daughter grows and starts to notice , she will think its normal and acceptable for men to do the same to her as her dad does to others. Shudder!

He's walking on thin ice. One day, one of these women (or a man she's with) is going to smack him hard in the chops.

@PurpleMustang I think he is doing it BECAUSE he is with me and DD, he thinks that makes him safe, believe it or not. He mentioned it on a couple of occasions that he makes sure people know he is not there alone (at the playground for instance).

I was driving back home with my DD once and I spotted him coming out from a coffee shop not far from home with a take away coffee and a news paper. A good looking woman walked past, he didn't even checked her out or turned his head, just minded his own business. Might have been a one off or not, but I do believe he is using us to be a slime ball, however sick it may sound.

@PurpleMustang you are right, why should I move out with DD, why should DD suffer because her father is a creep. Of course I need to speak to a solicitor first, but I don't want to just go.

@Miasicarisatia he doesn't play computer games and has been independent from a very early age, moved out of his mother's house at 20.

I think he struggled with confidence and he struggled at school. Been bullied by the smarter boys, been called a weirdo, never had male friends. I think he's been a weirdo all his life, mentioned once that his mother wanted to take him to a psychiatrist when he was a teenager, for being too shy apparently. I think there is more to it, but I'll never know.

This man sounds absolutely horrendous . Sadly I’ve met others like him . OP I think the bubble idea sounds the best until you can get away , which I’d be doing at the first opportunities . Once gone I’d also make no secret about why I left and be very open about his behaviour being unacceptable , otherwise you’ll have a daughter growing up thinking this is somehow normal
Men like this need to have their behaviour acknowledge and called out for the sleaze it is .

And I’ll add ... only if that’s a safe thing for you to do

@toocold54 We had a few serious arguments and it came up that if things don't improve we should think about separation, but he forgets very quickly. He cries, curses, blames me for not understanding him, blames his past friends for whatever they may have said/done etc. then wakes up in the morning and behaves the same way.

What a sicko! Poor you OP, but pls don’t feel embarrassed. All these women will be totally grossed out by him, especially being next to you and DD. The fake smiles will be as described - a form of just keeping peace. It’s what women do. It’s not because they fancy some weirdo checking them out at the supermarket.

I hope you manage to get away.

Speak to citizens advice.

And when you’re safely and securely away from this revolting waste of space, pls show him these posts !

You deserve so much better than this degenerate

It’s not your job to fix him but perhaps he needs therapy or something. His behaviour is abnormal. Perhaps suggest it to him. Doubt he’ll change though.

@Confusedfuture91 you are right, I think he does need therapy but he will never admit to it or go for it. And ultimately he'll never change.