Sleazbag H , please help me buy some time

[Wholetthedogsout1]

Hello,

I've posted a while ago, before the pandemic, about my ogling, sleazy, creepy H. I'm sadly still with him, sad and desperate that things only got worse.

Just to summarise: sleazing at waitresses (his fav sleaze material), women walking alone, particularly those wearing tight tops or short skirts; now with the lockdown the sleaze opportunities have dwindled so he's turned to mums in playgrounds, women walking their dogs etc. I'm just so sick and tired of this, I can't bring myself to write everything I have witnessed in this nightmare of a 4 year marriage. Just sick that this is the guy that showed me so many red flags from the beginning and I ignored them.

I feel helpless, how can I survive this nightmare? Over the last year or so, I avoided going out with him, literally me with DD most of the time and he is taking DD once or twice a week on his own. I always find excuses about why I don't want to go out together, however when we do go out occasionally I feel sick. I now have to put up with this on a short holiday.

Please help me buy some time. What can I do to survive this nightmare for another 6 months or so. Talking to him about his behaviour never helps, it always gets worse. Anything cynical, passive aggressive etc.

At the end of the day you need to work on your plan.
Stop thinking about his creepy behaviour and concentrate on how you are going to get rid of him from your life.
I would stop going anywhere with him, if you have to then ignore it.
You have tried talking, he doesn't care. He's doing it deliberately. Reacting is just giving him what he wants.
You can't fix him so stop trying.
Work on living your best life without him. I'm positive you won't regret getting out of this.

@Fyredraca thank you and everyone else.

Not sure what I'd do without mumsnet. It's saving my sanity.

I wish you a happy future op, without the sleazy partner you will be so much better off.
Good luck

I agree with the previous poster about never going anywhere with him again.

Did you move to whatever country you are in for him?

I don't know what your work is but can you brush up on your skills online?

Practice interviewing and create a new resume and then start applying for jobs.

As pp said, one day he’ll do it to the wrong person and either she or her big, male partner will smack him one! WTF though? He definitely needs therapy, not your job though. Have you asked him how he’d feel if someone was doing that to his DD when she’s older? He sounds strange and like he gets a thrill from looking but you and DD are his smokescreen, so the woman would think they must be mistaken as surely no one would do that with their partner/child around.

I’d definitely get back to work. Put your DD in nursery/childminder.

I once worked with an ogling creepy fucker, it was truly awful. He was a quiet, slightly socially awkward guy who was actually really good at his job (think project manager/analyst type), but every time we were in a meeting or discussion he would stare or flick his eyes up and down my body, I felt so uncomfortable, it gave me the massive ick and in the end I complained to upper management as I couldn’t cope having meetings with him.

How do you react when he does this? I would be telling my husband he was out of order not that he ever would do this in front of me. Can you stay with family if you leave him?

I’d spend as little time with him as possible.
I’d also start an escape fund - a separate account and try to pop a few quid in here and there. I’d do some online courses, update my cv, look at registering with some employment agencies ( or at least choose some).

There’s no reason why you can’t have a telephone consult with a solicitor so do that. Maybe try a couple if you can get half an hour free.
Work on getting fit and eating as healthily as you can. No matter what your health issues, this will help you recover.

Good luck

@Shoxfordian most of the time I say nothing, just sit there watching this creep disrespecting me and DD. I stopped going out with him, unfortunately sometimes we do have to go out together for the sake of DD. But that's quite rare now. We had a holiday this week and my DD had a blast, so that was worth it. It's all for her.

I did tell him his behaviour is abnormal, disrespectful and creepy. He rages, cries, tells me this is total nonsense, it's not meant to be disrespectful and he's got a quirk. And then goes back and it's always worse.

@Rainbowqueeen thank you, a few practical tips there. I needed that.

@Cockenspiel I know what you mean. It's always the socially awkward ones, just like H.

I experienced sexual harassment at work when I was single. I've been hit on by married men all my single life, one said if he wasn't married he'd be at my door on his knees (I briefly worked with him, he was my boss). He brought me roses for my b-day. And I thought to myself, gosh, I'm glad I'm not his wife. She is actually a lovely, beautiful lady. And I thought I'd know how to avoid these men, but there you go.

@RantyAnty no, I didn't move country for him. I've been here for quite a while.

It's just that all these years before I met him all I did was work and study non stop, with very little social life. Met a few narcissists, men wanting to be cocklodgers etc. And so this guy was very keen, buying me flowers, gifts, very committed to a relationship, very reliable if I ever needed anything. So I thought finally a good guy. But I had doubts even though he didn't appear sleazy, there were odd things that I couldn't put my finger on. Always trust your instinct!

I wish a few of these women would give him a bollocking/kick in the balls.

OK so you have the full measure of him now. He's never going to change and you have to divorce him. Have you seen a solicitor or are you leaving this until you can leave properly.

My first BF was like this. At the time I thought this was normal but I have never et a man that does it as much as he did back then. The irony was that he wasn;t particularly interested in sex or showering and I suspect it was designed to put me on the backfoot 24/7. I suspect your quiet observation of your DH had revealed the same thing about him. Once you are gone, he will struggle to find a replacement as he is a total twat basically.

I witnessed similar behaviour in a bar years ago and quipped, "Have you got a mirror in your house!" I'm not normally outspoken but this pillock really did need bringing down a peg.

If you feel duped, you are right to. He has changed into a massive bellend since hooking you in. You have given him fair warning over and over so it's time to stop wondering why he does it, hoping he won't etc. Time to make plans to move out and have a weirdo free life. In your shoes I would be looking forward to the front row seat to his twattery post marriage to see how that pans out for him when he no longer has an appropriate adult in his life.

Who the fuck is raising these strange maladjusted men? Horny dogs have more self discipline!

OP, this is awful, I hope you have some success in resolving your health issues and don't have to wait as long as 6 months to get away from him. To help you bide your time, think about the things you need to sort out and get done in order to be ready to leave.

What exactly do you need? Eg income, housing, support for childcare, ongoing assistance for your health issues etc?

@MunchyCat I agree, but you'd be surprised how many women are just as immoral as him. He can sniff that as well and mostly engages with this type.

We were having lunch at a restaurant almost 2 years ago and he spotted 2 women sitting at a table a few meters away. He started looking that way and basically the whole time we sat there he was engaged visually with those 2. Hasn't paid attention to anything I was saying. At some point I turned my head and this woman was blowing him kisses and smiling and running her hand through her hair. When she saw me she stopped and moved a bit to the side. I just froze, just kept my dignity and said nothing. I mean what do you say to that!?

@GelfBride thank you for your message. I needed that. You know, that's what I always wonder who raises these cunts?

His parents have passed so I never met them, but he's always telling me how decent and nice they were. I think one of his sisters has a slightly different opinion about their father who was an alcoholic. And a mother who put up with it all her life and never complained.

@DK123 I have no help from anyone. I have regular check ups and I have no one to leave DD with, he always takes a day off if I ever need it. Imagine the first lockdown, I was thinking to myself what would I have done if he wasn't around. No nurseries open, huge queues at the supermarket (I had to queue over 40 mins once), unable to book any deliveries. Imagine if I had Covid too...all practical stuff. I have no feelings or anything for him. If it wasn't for my DD, I'd literally have moved out years ago, blocked his number and never see him again. It's like living a bad dream.

"He rages and cries and tells you it's a quirk"
Oh he's manipulating and twisted.

[quote Wholetthedogsout1]@DK123 I have no help from anyone. I have regular check ups and I have no one to leave DD with, he always takes a day off if I ever need it. Imagine the first lockdown, I was thinking to myself what would I have done if he wasn't around. No nurseries open, huge queues at the supermarket (I had to queue over 40 mins once), unable to book any deliveries. Imagine if I had Covid too...all practical stuff. I have no feelings or anything for him. If it wasn't for my DD, I'd literally have moved out years ago, blocked his number and never see him again. It's like living a bad dream.[/quote]
Many single parents become closer to a friend of someone nearby to help support you
Millions have got through the pandemic as single parenting, shitty relationships and left with health issues, lack of self esteem and huge uncertainty.
It is that in between and early stages that take adjustments
You will feel empowered to stop living a life of unhappiness.
Ask will he be willing to help when you decide to leave.
I would. No games life is to short.
It is possible if you make it possible.
When he rages at you that is the perfect time to rage this back.
You are your own self not a door mat.