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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell him how he made me feel/what to do

62 replies

buki93 · 27/04/2021 15:03

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months, we've been seeing each other a couple of times a week, staying over at each other's houses, going for walks, hanging out, playing games, cooking together, spending the night...

We both wanted something serious and made that clear from quite early on so as to not waste time.

We talked every day, sending memes and discussing work, general nice conversation, we have lots in common.

2 weeks ago I said goodnight to him (we did that pretty much every day before sleeping) and he didnt reply - fair enough I thought, hes probably gone to sleep😅

Next day there were no messages from him whatsoever, I texted a "Hey how are you today" and again, no reply all day. Next day I sent "hey just checking you're ok? Hope work is being good to you" and again, no reply.

The day after that I was a bit worried mainly because this guy texts all day long and we are both quite talkative so I tried calling, no answer.

He then messaged me that evening saying "big problem I'll let you know I'm sorry"

So I immediately think oh crap i hope everything is ok, hope his health is good, hope everything is alright with this job and family.

So thennn I text him "ohhh hope everything is ok, I'm so sorry. Let me know if theres anything I can do to help"

No replies after that for one whole week.

I waited 8 days and texted him to please update me whenever he could, I've been worried (which I genuinely had).

Again no response. That was around 3pm.

That evening about 11pm I'm on Instagram and I see hes posted a photo of him kissing a girl on the cheek, another photo with them both in it and a couple more of some place they went to together for the day.

I just thought WOW. What happened to communication? I would have had SO much more respect for him if he said "listen we are just not working out but I wish you the best" instead of full on ignoring me like this.

I'm not going to pretend it's been years with this person and I'm so so hurt I've lost him - it's only been two months. However there have been beautiful memories and I did like him very much.

I sent him a message after seeing the photos saying "I don't really know what to say haha, it just would have been nice if you let me know we weren't working out 🙃 just so I knew that's all. Instead of not communicating it because I had truly no idea. I wish you all the best anyway".

He saw that immediately and no reply.

I just feel like I (or any human being) deserve to be told about where we are at in the relationship. I feel extremely sad - not because I'm losing him but mainly because I feel that I have been treated so badly and with an element of total disrespect. I feel kinda disposable.

What makes things a bit worse is that I had made him some toy model thingies, he knows I'd made them and I'd spent quite a lot of time money and effort on them (I kept him updated throughout the process as I treated it like a commission) and he knew I was going to give those to him next time I saw him. He also knew I had planned to cook a special dish for him to bring over with me on our next date to enjoy.

These little things to me, just seem to add to the whole disrespect thing and make it seem like he didnt care.

I'd love to know if anyone agrees with me about this and also if you think I should text him yet again, letting him know how i feel or should i just leave and forget him entirely like he seems to have done with me?

It's still all very fresh so excuse the lack of structure and the length of this absolute essay!

Thank you..

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 27/04/2021 15:07

The sensible advice is to delete everything all messages etc, then block on every form of social media.

He doesn't deserve knowing how hurt you are as He Is A Prick

cheezy · 27/04/2021 15:08

A dignified silence is best in this case OP. Some people are just cowards.

Sparklfairy · 27/04/2021 15:08

I suspect he's got back with an ex and didn't say anything so that he could keep you on the back burner in case it didn't work out. Saying he had a 'big problem' and then going dark points to that tbh.

You don't need to (and please don't) do anything. You've said your piece, he ignored you. If you say anything more, particularly saying how hurt you are etc, I can guarantee it'll hurt even more to know that he's read your message and ignores it, again.

Walk away with your head held high, as hard as that is Flowers

YouAreTheStorm · 27/04/2021 15:10

You sound nice, he is a dick. Block and move on, no point engaging any further with him.
Sad he couldn't be upfront with you, but some people really are cowardly. Dating a few people to see which he preferred.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 27/04/2021 15:13

He's a dick and definitely should have had the decency to tell you. But nothing will be gained from sending anymore messages, he won't reply and it'll just make you more annoyed.

randyparsnip · 27/04/2021 15:21

also burn the models you made him, he's a knob

Original poster
buki93 · 27/04/2021 15:29

oh gosh thanks so much for the replies already, so thoughtful of all of you, really appreciated.

Just wanted to add something I'm not sure is of significance: I found the girl's instagram and she had posted some pictures one day and his living room and the surrounding areas showing, they'd basically eaten together, gone for a walk, gone to town (everything me and him did) and the very next day me and him had hung out too so obviously he was seeing both of us at the same time - I don't know what this adds except making me feel more stupid but just in case!

OP posts:
Theyarealltaken · 27/04/2021 16:43

As someone before me said
“Dignified silence is the best in this case”
I know it may be hard but you just need to let it go and move on. There’s no question that he shouldn’t “play it” like this but even if he left that girl and got in touch with you again, you wouldn’t want to be with someone that is capable of doing such things ?

seensome · 27/04/2021 16:57

I wouldn't say anymore to him but maybe you could tell his gf if your feeling brave.

AnaViaSalamanca · 27/04/2021 17:06

I think you should tell him. Not a long essay full of rage, but at least something. Women are always encouraged to keep silent, to be dignified and not make other uncomfortable. He behaved appallingly and instead of ending it with you or being honest pretended he was going through a big issue and made you feel like a fool.

Also if you keep quiet he could come back to you six mobths laster with some BS excuse and try to soften you up. Close it and move on.

pixiecircles · 27/04/2021 18:31

do not message him. He will ignore it and you'll end up feeling worse. You want a reply to validate your feelings (as we all would! Some respect!)... and you won't get one.

He's an arsehole. You deserve so much better.

CirqueDeMorgue · 27/04/2021 18:39

You and the other woman both deserve better!

Tallybeebloom · 27/04/2021 18:46

I think you've already said your bit with your last message and should just see it as a lucky escape from someone who's not mature enough to handle situations they might find uncomfortable or difficult, and move on from it.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/04/2021 19:14

Block him on everything.

He's behaved badly, but you will get nothing more from him. I understand you are hurt, but to message any more would be humiliating.

Rise above it with dignity.

wobblywinelover · 27/04/2021 19:15

That's awful OP he's done a despicable thing by making you worry all week and basically ghost you. What a total scumbag. I would say 1. be grateful you only wasted 2 months of your life on this liar and 2. get an STI test as soon as you can (you can order them online and do them at home - dead easy). God knows who else he's been knocking around with at the same time as you. I would block them both on social media and have nothing to do with either of them. The girlfriend won't believe you if you message her, and he'll just get a kick out of two women fighting over him. The best thing is to just walk away and that's not being weak, it's giving yourself the best chance of moving on.

YetAnotherHastyNameChange · 27/04/2021 19:19

Block him and try to forget. It fucking hurts, especially when you get no explanation. You were only seeing each other for a few weeks though at least, so will hopefully the pain will go quickly too.

Don’t contact him, it won’t make you feel any better to write a heartfelt message to him/ his new partner just for them to ignore it again.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/04/2021 19:27

Write down everything you want to say to him. Then either delete it if you did it electronically, or burn it if you wrote it on paper.

All you'd get out of sending it would be to give him an ego boost knowing that you were into him enough to be hurt.

He's a cunt and you deserve a lot better treatment.

I'd personally comment on his GF's instagram but then I'm a petty, vindictive cow. Which is why I don't date 🤣

Whythesadface · 27/04/2021 19:29

Dating seems really scary now.
It seems ok to hurt people and be a selfish twit, and to walk away with no consequences.
There is a bloke on YouTube and he said the dating sites are like a harem for men, the top 25% if good looking guys use it for sexual hook ups, jumping to the next fish they hook, and see no need to settle down, when women no longer make them wait in a relationship.
I am so sorry you caught a player. X

TwinkleToeMatilda · 27/04/2021 19:45

Thank god he showed his true colours so early on. I really feel for you it must be horrible. He sounds like such a two timing coward!

fedup078 · 27/04/2021 19:52

What a twat
Never contact him again

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 27/04/2021 19:56

I am fucking fuming on your behalf.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2021 20:01

Oh for fuck's sake don't ever contact him again. I know it hurts, but he does not give a single fuck about how he made you feel. Not even a teeny tiny fuck. Texting him again would only make you look desperate and pathetic.

See this for what it is: He did you a favour by exposing who he really is so early in the game. Be thankful he didn't waste any more of your time.

Meowchickameowmeow · 27/04/2021 20:09

make it seem like he didnt care

He didn't care, he was stringing you along at best. He's a dick and hopefully, this other woman will catch on to that fact soon and dump him.

GentlemanJay · 27/04/2021 20:23

I can relate to this. After two months he owed to a thanks but no thanks.

GentlemanJay · 27/04/2021 20:26

Block. Do not let him think for one moment he mattered to you.