Relocating with new partner and my children..

[Iloveluckyjim]

Looking for some examples of experiences when relocating after divorce/ separation with a new partner and your own children.

Just a bit of background: been with new partner for a year, he’s been planning to move to the coast for a big life change since we met and that will be happening soon. We think if our relationship Is to last I’d need to relocate with him (in about a year, not in a rush) as neither of us want a distance relationship. My work is flexible and I have my own money so I wouldn't end up being financially dependent on him (unless we decided to merge everything like that). We’d be up for doing the distance thing for a year but not longer. My children (3 aged between 5-10) all really like him and we’ve spent a lot of time together. He is cautious about the need to build relationships with them and go about that thoughtfully and I’ve really appreciated that approach-not jumping in and trying too hard and rushing things.

But I am worried about moving my children from their school and friendships and Dad. He has them overnight once in the week then Friday to Saturday, sometimes an extra night in the week but only every couple of weeks. He isn’t very hands on and is emotionally detached (reason for divorce), also I do all the extra practical stuff like parents evening, school stuff like cake bakes dressing up days and sponsored events, dental appointments, swimming lessons, inset days/look after them when they’re sick, take them on holidays -he’s a bit like a babysitter at times rather than a parent, again one of the reasons for divorcing. They love him and enjoy spending time with him but I’m certainly the primary career and main nurturer which suits both me and their dad. The move would be 2hrs away and I imagine he’d have them for long weekends every fortnight, meeting in the middle so 1hr journey time for us (2hrs for children).

Moving would give them many experiences and opportunities and a change in lifestyle which would be very outdoors, which suits us all.

Looking for examples please
From anyone who has done this, good and bad. The idea of moving them, especially changing their school, is really hard for me to entertain I feel like I’d be damaging them even though I know lots of children do change schools and are fine. It would be timed for the summer before my eldest starts high school, to give a chance to build friendships and settle in. They already know the area from weekends away but we haven’t made strong connections there yet. They love the area on holiday, but I haven’t spoken to them (or their dad) about the idea of moving. That would all be in 15 mths time if it did happen.

So if anyone has done this and can give me the benefit of their experience-how the move affected their children, relationship with ex, what they did to smooth the transition etc I would be grateful. Thanks in advance!

And I am amazed at the amount of people who seem perfectly ok with being a martyr for the sake of their children

OP, I am planning to do exactly the same thing in a year or so and have no doubts that this is in my children's best interests. Their dad moved out and in with a woman he had known for four weeks, taking the children and the dog (!) on their first date. My new partner, who I met after 2 years of the marriage ending, is without a shadow my absolute soul mate. He is a farmer and owns a huge period farmhouse with enough space for his 3 children (who are the same age as my kids and with whom mine get on with fabulously) and mine to have their own rooms. We have had to sell my marital home as my husband needed the money to set up home with his gf. I have been financially ruined by this - I had put the deposit down and didn't know that this could be protected. We now live in the smallest rental property ever with them sharing a tiny room and no garden. If we move they will have a lifestyle they love with hundreds of acres of space and possibly a job if needs be. Plus, I am nearly 50 and had the most appalling abusive marriage that i stayed in for a decade longer than i should due to putting my children first. When do I get to be happy? Why should I have to live without the love of my life for the next 7 years because it would involve moving the 11 and 13 year old kids? Their father has already dropped seeing them in the week with no explanation or discussion. He has told me he's not bothered if I move.

To read that someone would think I would just be chasing cock is disrespectful and ridiculous. You only get one life I'm afraid, and no-one is going to thank you for being unhappy when you're on your death bed. A lot of you need to get a grip

@Jsku

I am recently divorced with two kids - primary/early secondary. Any relationship I have or will have is only in the basis that my kids stay in the area until they leave school. Their friendships, schools, activities have always been here. Divorce is already a big change in their life. They need stability. Also - dad lives nearby.

My Bf isn’t from here and in an ideal world wouldn’t live where I am. But I was clear from when we met that I am tied down for the next Xxx years.
After that - we can decide what we do.

So - for now we are going to do a ‘two home’ approach. He has his place outside of the city and spends time both here with us and there.

If your bf wants to be in a picturesque place - why can’t it be a weekend/holiday home for you? At least in the near-medium term.

It’s only been a year. Way too yearly to uproot your and your kids lives.

I haven't rtft yet but this is similar to me. My dp of almost 2 years lives an hour away from me and my 2 dc.

I like where he lives, as does he, but he is moving to where I live as we want to be closer to each other but he understands that I can't and won't move the children from their home/school/friends/family/dad.

Even after almost 2 years I'm not even considering us living together (he will rent a place nearby) because the children have had enough change thrust upon them.

I've known of cases where what you are describing has worked out but it's not a risk I would be taking. On my own, maybe but not with kids.

So he's moving whether you go or not?

He doesn't care whether you follow him or not, he knows there will be plenty more fish in the sea 🌊

I’d always be inclined against any change for children as they dont like it in principle.

However a friend moved with her DCs and married moving away and it has worked out, except they have to drive 100 miles every other wknd to take kids to dad. But, she said she was only moving if they married which they did. (She is a wise woman).

@TheSnootiestFox, you have your Ex's agreement that's one hurdle however this isn't about being a martyr, it's risk management for children who get one shot at childhood and their education.

A parent who makes a big decision affecting education, friendships and family life needs to ensure they have mitigated the risk. Time and living together before a permanent move usually reduces risk.

A 13 year old might not value acres of land if it means they can't make friends or get to the shops, cinema without a parent transporting them.

Do read the step parents forum to get a view of how life is for a step mum and the challenges of blending families.

If you have done due diligence ahead of time then you are lowering the risk of moving BUT they is still a risk that the children will not be happy so always consider an exit plan. Would you have the funds to move again?

I have a friend who wanted to move from one end of the country with her 6 year old child to where he then partner lived. She got told in no uncertain terms by the court that it couldn't happen, it was ordered that she had to live within 1 hour of the non-residential parent until the child turned 16.

She ended up marrying the partner and he moved to be with her.