Relocating with new partner and my children..

[Iloveluckyjim]

Looking for some examples of experiences when relocating after divorce/ separation with a new partner and your own children.

Just a bit of background: been with new partner for a year, he’s been planning to move to the coast for a big life change since we met and that will be happening soon. We think if our relationship Is to last I’d need to relocate with him (in about a year, not in a rush) as neither of us want a distance relationship. My work is flexible and I have my own money so I wouldn't end up being financially dependent on him (unless we decided to merge everything like that). We’d be up for doing the distance thing for a year but not longer. My children (3 aged between 5-10) all really like him and we’ve spent a lot of time together. He is cautious about the need to build relationships with them and go about that thoughtfully and I’ve really appreciated that approach-not jumping in and trying too hard and rushing things.

But I am worried about moving my children from their school and friendships and Dad. He has them overnight once in the week then Friday to Saturday, sometimes an extra night in the week but only every couple of weeks. He isn’t very hands on and is emotionally detached (reason for divorce), also I do all the extra practical stuff like parents evening, school stuff like cake bakes dressing up days and sponsored events, dental appointments, swimming lessons, inset days/look after them when they’re sick, take them on holidays -he’s a bit like a babysitter at times rather than a parent, again one of the reasons for divorcing. They love him and enjoy spending time with him but I’m certainly the primary career and main nurturer which suits both me and their dad. The move would be 2hrs away and I imagine he’d have them for long weekends every fortnight, meeting in the middle so 1hr journey time for us (2hrs for children).

Moving would give them many experiences and opportunities and a change in lifestyle which would be very outdoors, which suits us all.

Looking for examples please
From anyone who has done this, good and bad. The idea of moving them, especially changing their school, is really hard for me to entertain I feel like I’d be damaging them even though I know lots of children do change schools and are fine. It would be timed for the summer before my eldest starts high school, to give a chance to build friendships and settle in. They already know the area from weekends away but we haven’t made strong connections there yet. They love the area on holiday, but I haven’t spoken to them (or their dad) about the idea of moving. That would all be in 15 mths time if it did happen.

So if anyone has done this and can give me the benefit of their experience-how the move affected their children, relationship with ex, what they did to smooth the transition etc I would be grateful. Thanks in advance!

I would have been devastated if my mum had moved away from where my dad lived when I was a child. And without the opportunity for midweek contact, I doubt we'd have the relationship we do now.

Unless your ex is abusive, I can't see how you could justify doing this to your children.

I agree with the comments about you needing to out your children and their relationship with their father ahead of your boyfriend.

But you know what, even if there were no children involved, he would be happy to move away from you and never see you again. I wouldn’t be following him for that reason alone.

*put not out

Why would you want to disrupt your children’s security for a bit of cock?

You sound like you’ve totally convinced yourself that this is the right thing to do whatever people say. I feel very sore for your ex and the kids. If you do move you should be doing all the travel, not meeting half way. Poor kids having to spend 4 hours of their weekend in a car. As for the hope that your relationship with your ex and ability to discuss things will improve- I wouldn’t hold your breath once this is landed on him!

Everything in your post seems to be trying to justify why it's okay i.e he doesn't do X Y or Z for them anyway.so it's fine.

In reality I don't think that matters, you day yourself they love him and spending time with him.

I think the entire thing is selfish tbh. Not just away from their Dad but their school, their friends etc. All for the sake of their mums new boyfriend.

When you move around a lot as a family unit (both bio parents) is very different to uprooting DC with someone they've not known for long, yes they may like him, but that's a whole different scenario when you're living together, and he has a say in their lives. A year (even 2) is still very new when it comes to moving away from familiarity.

Personally I wouldn't do this to my kids, I'd be too afraid if I'm honest.

Out of interest, do the DC know this is your future plan ?

Do it's too 'long distance' forvyou snd your boyfriend, but not too long distance for your kids and their dad

Surely you stay put, and makevthe two hour each way trip for passionate weekends by the sea with the fella while kids are long weekending with their dad.

That's the reality for your boyfriend if he wants to move. His choice, I'd say. Stay close to you, or accept what works for your kids if he moves.

You say " I imagine he'll do a long weekend every fortnight "..
Will he? Who decided that? What if he wants more? Why should he miss out. He can take you to court for more and you'll be driving an awful lot.
It's not fair. You've been together a year!
I've been with my dp 16 months. We haven't even met each others kids yet. I would never even consider such a thing after a year.
We've made a real conscious decision to go slow because we aren't the only ones involved.

I think it's wrong I'm sorry

If your BF wasn't suggesting the move you wouldn't be doing it.
It's all about him isn't it?

What do your children think of your new man?

Try again with my shit typing
So, it's too 'long distance' for you and your boyfriend, but not too 'long distance' for your kids, and their dad.

Not sure you have your priorities right here. Also, very struck byva pps point about your kids schoolfriend s having parties or just hanging out while your kids are spending 4 hs per weekend in the car taking them 90 miles away from all the fun (and their , you know, own lives). Good luck persuading tweens and teens to accept that uncomplainingly.

I would say that for the dc, once they become older, they will be impacted in terms of weekend activities, Saturday job etc., if they are still traipsing 2hrs to see dad at the weekend. I don’t think it would necessarily be a disaster for them at all. Kids are adaptable.

For me, 5yrs is my minimum relationship length before considering merging finances and lives. Because bluntly, after this length of time you will properly know this man. Right now you’re in the honeymoon phase.

But my biggest point would be you OP, as a mum. You’ve got all the responsibility for your dc and you’re contemplating leaving your network of people, friends etc. and putting all your eggs in one basket, marked ‘my boyfriend’. He may seem ‘everything’ to you right now but he is not. Personally I would not want to make myself that vulnerable while shouldering so much responsibility.

My own situation is I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and have chosen to stay un-blended. And my dc are teens and as a single parent with a flaky useless ExH it’s really really tough. You need your friends around you for the long haul. Maybe it’s just me. But I’ve found the ling road of parenting alone quite tough and need more support than ‘my fella’ to keep up the slog.

Good luck with decision making

Your boyfriend is not invested in you or your life if he’s willing to move 100 miles away regardless. You want your uproot your children, removing them from their father, family, friends and lives, based on a one year relationship with a man who is cautious about getting involved with them - a relationship which took place entirely in extraordinary circumstances (during a pandemic). Are you on glue?

I have to ask. What type of job does he have? Does he have any DC of his own?

Do you currently own a home where you are now?
Does the new bf?

The move would be 2hrs away and I imagine he’d have them for long weekends every fortnight, meeting in the middle so 1hr journey time for us (2hrs for children).
It would be a good idea to discuss this with your ex before you get overly invested in this fantasy. He has no reason to make the journey more convenient for you.

As with the majority of posters I couldn't do this to my kids if it was a relationship of only one year. I'd want to give it more time before I committed to uprooting my children away from family and friends for a sake of a relationship.

You said 15 months time? I’d be asking your ex now. Court proceedings are likely to take that long to resolve, if not longer.

What would happen if you decided to move and ex applied for a prohibited steps order? You wouldn’t be able to move the children. Would your new partner be prepared to wait for you whilst the court sorted it out? I’m not sure he would.

Your partner only has one priority and it’s not you or the kids.

Typed a big answer it disappeared.

In short, no it's not in their interests at all.

Impossible for them to be put in the position of "do you want to see your Dad this weekend or go to that birthday party you've been looking forward to, or play sport for a team, or go to the cinema with your friends, or to town, or see your new girlfriend, or get a Saturday job." Seeing Dad and living elsewhere where their lives will be are not compatible.

I moved to my now ExH town. We divorced, he left to move in with various new GFs. I stayed as it was in their best interests and they needed one solidly reliable parent who put their needs first above mine or his wants.

I have been dating my BF for 7 years, still haven't moved him in and won't commit to him until my youngest leaves school. This will be next year, we are engaged and plan to marry then wants to marry now but I declined. My kids needs come first, before our wants.

I think you will regret putting your and your new BF wants before their needs and there is no way you can justify it based upon what you have said so far. I'm not young but am waiting as it's the right thing to do. Kids need stability, access to their Dad and Mum, new BF isn't even on their list.

You’re choosing your partner over your children.

Don't choose your partner's needs over your children's.

Having two homes is hard on kids, add in the distance and you've effectively made their lives even harder. Once they get to their teens they will really resent the travel and the inability to see friends, join clubs or be on a team at the weekend because they are away on "contact" so often.

Do it's too 'long distance' forvyou snd your boyfriend, but not too long distance for your kids and their dad hmm

This. It's too far for you and a man but not the kids and their dad.

Your children should come first. Going out for a swim in the sea every now and again doesn't make up for the upheaval of moving them away from everything, after they've already been through your divorce, for the sake of some bloke.

@Iloveluckyjim, from a legal point of view your Ex can apply to court to stop the move and it could be perceived as not in the children's interests. You cannot change schools without your Ex's agreement or you have to get a court to rule in your favour.

Secondly please read the step parent forums and maybe ask people for opinions on their relationships from
1 year in (honeymoon period, nothing appears to be a challenge, all dreams are for the future blissful life)
2 years in a few cracks appearing, maybe financial approaches differs, parenting difficulties surface
5 years in gloss and shine has disappeared and you see the partner for all their faults. The children are now teens and there are regular conflicts.

Blending a family is very, very difficult. If you then add in resentment for moving you have a toxic situation.

I would also consider getting advice on the area you are moving to..Dorset is very different to Brighton and depending where you live now the adjustment can be significant.

2 years is simply not long enough to move to be with a partner. You will not really know each other at that stage. It is selfish for him to ask 4 people to uproot their lives for him.

How commited is he as it seems conditional on you moving.

I am always amazed that people think that they can up sticks without a care for the relationship of their children with their father. It is almost as if it is believed that fathers are optional extras, nice to have but not essential. And the fact that you have not even had the discussion with your ex yet speaks volumes about how you really think it will go (not well at all).

You say that he is not 'hands on'. If you were a stay at home parent during the marriage, saying a Dad is not 'hands on' is the equivalent as saying you could not bother to work. No, neither are correct. When you were married you agreed to have specific roles. That does not mean that their father does not care about seeing them. It will take time for both of you to adjust to your new roles after divorce, which includes him having to adjust his work to make more room for his children.

As well as being selfish, it is a massively risky idea. What if, when teenagers, your children decide that they would prefer to live with their father. Could you cope with being that distance away from them all the time?