Relocating with new partner and my children..

[Iloveluckyjim]

Looking for some examples of experiences when relocating after divorce/ separation with a new partner and your own children.

Just a bit of background: been with new partner for a year, he’s been planning to move to the coast for a big life change since we met and that will be happening soon. We think if our relationship Is to last I’d need to relocate with him (in about a year, not in a rush) as neither of us want a distance relationship. My work is flexible and I have my own money so I wouldn't end up being financially dependent on him (unless we decided to merge everything like that). We’d be up for doing the distance thing for a year but not longer. My children (3 aged between 5-10) all really like him and we’ve spent a lot of time together. He is cautious about the need to build relationships with them and go about that thoughtfully and I’ve really appreciated that approach-not jumping in and trying too hard and rushing things.

But I am worried about moving my children from their school and friendships and Dad. He has them overnight once in the week then Friday to Saturday, sometimes an extra night in the week but only every couple of weeks. He isn’t very hands on and is emotionally detached (reason for divorce), also I do all the extra practical stuff like parents evening, school stuff like cake bakes dressing up days and sponsored events, dental appointments, swimming lessons, inset days/look after them when they’re sick, take them on holidays -he’s a bit like a babysitter at times rather than a parent, again one of the reasons for divorcing. They love him and enjoy spending time with him but I’m certainly the primary career and main nurturer which suits both me and their dad. The move would be 2hrs away and I imagine he’d have them for long weekends every fortnight, meeting in the middle so 1hr journey time for us (2hrs for children).

Moving would give them many experiences and opportunities and a change in lifestyle which would be very outdoors, which suits us all.

Looking for examples please
From anyone who has done this, good and bad. The idea of moving them, especially changing their school, is really hard for me to entertain I feel like I’d be damaging them even though I know lots of children do change schools and are fine. It would be timed for the summer before my eldest starts high school, to give a chance to build friendships and settle in. They already know the area from weekends away but we haven’t made strong connections there yet. They love the area on holiday, but I haven’t spoken to them (or their dad) about the idea of moving. That would all be in 15 mths time if it did happen.

So if anyone has done this and can give me the benefit of their experience-how the move affected their children, relationship with ex, what they did to smooth the transition etc I would be grateful. Thanks in advance!

My XH’s partner did this last year under very similar circs (to a more outdoorsy area, 2hrs away from caring but not hands on dad, to be with my XH who wouldn’t move away from his own DC) and I think it’s been, at best, neutral (rather than positive) for her DC, and possible even negative. She is clearly a brilliant, engaged mum, and has always done the majority share of childcare, and has really thrown her all into settling her kids here, but from the outside it doesn’t look like the benefits outweigh the negatives of being 2hrs from their dad. Two of the four children have reasonable significant emotional struggles at the moment, which I suspect stem from the move, and one of them is deeply resentful of being ‘taken’ from dad. All are primary/yr7 age.

Is this a real post? If this is true, this sadly sounds like the type of woman who puts their latest boyfriend before the best interests of their kids.
It would be unbelievably selfish to uproot your kids from their dad and all they know. How would you feel if your ex did that to you?

You've only known this so called "partner" for one year. And you're not even married to him or anything like that, just a non commited relationship.

Wow, so judgy!

I don't believe my boyfriend is being selfish and putting his life before my needs and my children's-it's two grown ups with complicated lives coming together and seeing if it can work! And part of that is checking out the practicalities and upsides and downsides and considering it thoroughly, which is what's being done. It wouldn't be for over a year yet if did go ahead, so we would've been together for two years by then not just one. I considered moving out of the area to the coast as well anyway to start afresh-getting divorced puts everything into a different perspective and you think again what you want for your children and their upbringing. I'm grateful to those of you who have experienced anything related to this and replied, good to hear other examples.

I moved around a lot from the age of 9-11, six schools in two years which was very tough, hence my worries for changing their school. But I'm also aware this may not be a very balanced view because it's on the more extreme end of the spectrum, and that children do move and change schools and it can be handled well (my parents were rubbish at realising there could even be an effect on us, never mind supporting us through the changes).

I haven't spoken to my ex yet, we were on good terms but it can be difficult (he is very bitter about the financial split from our divorce) and I don't trust him at the moment. In the past it has been good and I'd hope we can get back to that. I do want to discuss it with him, but basically only when I'm clearer myself. He isn't a family man as such, he actually opted out of having them more and dropped some days because it interfered with his life/it would hurt me (because then I'd not be able to do my own stuff/work as much because of doing more childcare), so I think he would be ok with it as there would be advantages for him (which is sad ultimately but I don't dwell on that anymore it's too upsetting), but equally he may object if we aren't back in a good place and it would be a route to get at me.

No there isn't extended family on ex side nearby at all so that wouldn't be any different. Mine are nearby but don't help out/have a good relationship but not in each other's pockets.

I am recently divorced with two kids - primary/early secondary.
Any relationship I have or will have is only in the basis that my kids stay in the area until
they leave school.
Their friendships, schools, activities have always been here. Divorce is already a big change in their life. They need stability.
Also - dad lives nearby.

My Bf isn’t from here and in an ideal world wouldn’t live where I am. But I was clear from when we met that I am tied down for the next Xxx years.
After that - we can decide what we do.

So - for now we are going to do a ‘two home’ approach. He has his place outside of the city and spends time both here with us and there.

If your bf wants to be in a picturesque place - why can’t it be a weekend/holiday home for you? At least in the near-medium term.

It’s only been a year. Way too yearly to uproot your and your kids lives.

Lilywater this isn't a latest boyfriend, I haven't had any others since divorce

I don't believe my boyfriend is being selfish and putting his life before my needs and my children's

It is in fact quite literally what he is doing.

You say that 2 adults are coming together to make this work - no, you are desperately trying to make this work, he's remaining at a distance from you and the kids and moving away to the coast. He's going with or without you, he doesn't care which, but he doesn't do long distance. What does this tell you?

You and your kids are worth so much more than the scraps from his emotional table.

You mentioned your ex was distant. Was your own family similar as a child? It looks very much like you have been drawn to another very similar man and that patterns are repeating.

Really selfish of both him and you to even consider this and I say that as someone who lives in a different country to her DH, so he can stay close to his children until they're adults - which will be another 5 years. Put your children first.

I am in same boat. Exh has children 2 nights out of 7 and I am looking to relocate with my partner, however, I wouldn’t consider anything further than a 30 min trip so around 15 miles. I personally don’t think it’s fair on the children or exh (and he is no saint) to have to do more travel and I would dearly love to move back to my home city about an hour away but wouldn’t because of exh.

So if anyone has done this and can give me the benefit of their experience-how the move affected their children, relationship with ex, what they did to smooth the transition etc I would be grateful. Thanks in advance!

Hey, not me but my DP and his ex....

About 7 months after they split, she moved 100 miles away (about 2.5/3hrs drive) with the children to live near her own parents. DP was sad but always knew it would happen if they ever did split, plus rents where they were living together just weren't affordable for them as individuals.

After the split, he was going round to see them twice a week and had them every Sunday, once she said she was planning to move they gradually cut down to every Wednesday eve and Sunday, and then changed it to every other weekend, so the children were used to how often they would see their dad and it didn't feel like a huge change when they moved.

Tbh it works totally fine, DP has great relationships with both kids. He has them EOW and time in the school holidays, and calls them every day. They are happy where they live, and moving that distance has allowed them to have a much nicer house and to see their maternal grandparents who they never used to see much at all.

I'd say the main down-sides are that the journey can be unpredictable when you are travelling so far, particularly on the Friday evening. There have sometimes been major traffic delays which has left either DP or ex & kids waiting hours for the other at the halfway point (service station), resulting in the children not getting back to whichever home until very late at night.

Also, DP misses out on a lot of their day-to-day life, like seeing them with their friends or attending parents evening etc, although he does always make the effort to go to their school plays and sports days., so it can be done.

I guess it also depends on your ex though, if it has been a long time of him seeing them in the week as well as at the weekend it could feel like a huge thing to him. Luckily my DP never really had the chance to settle into a more frequent routine as they moved away so quickly.

ok. I moved a long way from my ex. For very good, solid, practical reasons not involving a relationship and he had already decided to only see them eow (not my choice at all). I'm not going to comment on the wise-ness or otherwise of moving for this man but some practical issues, assuming your ex and the children want to keep up regular contact:

1. Facing the journey on a friday night after school
2. dealing with missing parties / events / on the weekends
3. It basically rules out them doing any hobbies or sports that happen on a weekend. you can't miss every other week if you want to be part of a Team, drama club, whatever.
4. As they get older, they'll also have homework and a social life where you are

These are longer term problems that mine face now. (mine do do some activities because their dad stays near us buts its been v challenging for the last year or so and they have in the past missed out on things in the school hols when they've been with him).

I really do get where you are coming from with being the hands on, doing all the grunt work parent and yet still being the one expected to NOT have this one thing for yourself. Its massively unfair. It is. But its also how it might have to be for now. In 8 years or so, they might be old enough to navigate a journey of some length alone and make the move more realistic. They may have drifted from their dad anyway, based on a fairly hand off eow relationship, but right now, or even in a year. I'd say its unwise. If I could have stayed closer by my ex, I would have. Not for his sake at all, but it would have made mine and the kids lives easier in regard to all the factors above.

If it helps at all - 2 hours isn't THAT far for an adult to travel at a weekend and maybe even one evening in the week if your bf is really serious. Not every relationship has to progress to cohabiting and blending families. I see my partner once very couple of weeks or so, when the kids aren't about and I like the space and independence it gives me. Is it an option to do that?

Why compromises is your boyfriend making?

I think if your boyfriend values your relationship he can postpone his ‘change of lifestyle’ for a year or two to make sure the relationship is the right one for all of you before you uproot your children’s lives. If he’s not willing to do that, then you and your children aren’t a priority to him.

I agree with this. Do the children even want to move away from their Dad?

*what

I moved around a lot from the age of 9-11, six schools in two years which was very tough, hence my worries for changing their school. But I'm also aware this may not be a very balanced view because it's on the more extreme end of the spectrum, and that children do move and change schools and it can be handled well (my parents were rubbish at realising there could even be an effect on us, never mind supporting us through the changes).

More extreme than your parents divorcing and then simultaneously moving schools, moving away from your friends, moving away from your dad, and having to live with a near-stranger?

You’re saying why so judgy but you’re considering this after only 12 months of knowing a man. He doesn’t even live with you so you don’t know how that dynamic would work. Hopefully after only 12 months he isn’t too involved with your children yet either. It’s too much too soon. In no way is it in the children’s best interests from what you’ve said, yours maybe, your partners definitely.

OP it does mean that as your children get older they can't easily go and see their Dad by themselves and their Dad can't be involved in their school life, hobbies etc.

I'm a good bit older than you - fifties - and lost my Dad last year.
He was also somewhat emotionally detached, and looking back I can't help wondering if we would have had a closer relationship, at least, known each other better, if we'd been in the same town rather than two hours drive away.

As it was, we only stayed with him for days or weeks (and TBH were largely foisted onto my stepmum) and our relationship was always formal and prearranged. He would sometimes be seeing someone in the area where I settled as an adult and it would never occur to him to drop in and see me.
He couldn't come to any school things ever. Didn't know my friends. There wasn't the space in our lives to ever just hang out or help him decorate or go swimming or whatever.

This is a decision not only about you and your chap and your young kids and your however-old XH. It's a decision about your future ten, fifteen, seventeen year olds and their (now ten years older) father.

Look, my Dad wasn't ever going to be Mr Well Adjusted. I do get that you staying put won't magically make your XH into a different person!

It's just that a person's relationship with their parents affects them profoundly for their whole life, and you don't realise quite how much until you get to be quite old (middle-aged say) and look back...

If you would be happy to move even without your boyfriend then I think it’s reasonable. If you don’t see where you live now as your long term location then better to do it while they are young.
I think moving for a man would be wrong but if you’d see it as a positive move for your family regardless of whether you stay together - and would expect to make a life there even in the event of a split - then go for it

Even if their father ‘only’ has them twice a week or more, that’s more than 100 days/nights a year. And you say he also has them once a fortnight on top of that.

I think their father is very involved in their lives based on that and you say your children love their father.

I don’t think you should move that far away. It’s far too disruptive for your three young children.

My DM moved us in with her BF, married v quickly and we were moved roughly 2 hrs away from my DF. Personally, it was horrific for me. It was harder seeing DF so infrequently, harder still as he remarried and had children. I felt isolated from him and felt hatred towards my new siblings and found my DM simply didn't care as she had her new life. I didn't repair that relationship until I was in my early 20’s and felt I missed out. I loved my DF very much and couldn't appreciate that their drive was just too long to sustain weekend visits. I guess ultimately it depends on the relationship your children have with their DF as to whether it's ‘fair’ on the children. Plus school friends ok top is harder still.

I haven't had any experience of this so this is just my unqualified opinion.

I think it is obviously a bit selfish, but I don't think yabu because parents don't need to martyrs/saints. You're a good mum and you want to do something that benefits you. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn't massively impact your kids.

But you would be very very unreasonable to force dad to travel if he refuses, and I suspect he might.

I also think it's important that you listen to pp saying that your boyfriend seems uncompromising. Why can't he (one person) do the 2 hour drive every weekend to see you instead of expecting 4 people to do it. If I was exH I'd be a bit miffed at a 4 hour round trip just so new bf can sit pretty. And I think he'd eventually find a way to make you do all 8 hours of driving (drop off and pick up).

History has a funny way of repeating itself and you could wake up one morning, 90 miles from home, with the cold harsh reality that new bf is just exH 2.0. And on top of that you've given yourself a whole days worth of driving running around between two uncompromising bastards.

@Iloveluckyjim

FelixityPike have you got experience of this?

From a relatives POV. Why?

I couldn't do it. He might not be dad of the year but your children are in a routine now and have school and friendship groups etc. You'd be taking a huge gamble moving to a new place to be near to your boyfriend. You haven't lived with him. It doesn't sound as though he's prepared to make any sacrifices to be with you. He could say, "Let's try living together now and if it works I'll buy/rent a place by the sea and we could have it as a holiday/weekend place." Instead he's moving away, knowing you can't follow for ages, and that when you do it's going to put out the children and their dad.

If you are going to do it you need to do it before the summer holidays when your eldest is about to start secondary. Otherwise your “choice” of schools will be limited to “where does no one else want to go to?”

I don’t think you should move them away from their dad unless it’s absolutely essential. They’ll keep up a better relationship with him if they see him frequently.

I know a weekend every fortnight is quite common, but it’s not as good as your current arrangement.

When they get older, they won’t want to be away from their friends and extra-curricular activities every other weekend and they’ll lose even more of that easy low-key connection, where they can pop in to see him around their other activities.