Dad is over-protective even though I'm an adult (22)

[myswansong]

My Dad is really over-protective and always has been. It's only since I've been back living at home after graduating that I've realised how much of an issue it is. I never realised how much of an issue it is.

Examples:

• I recently bought my first car and as I hadn't driven since I was at sixth form I wanted to have some practice with him or my DM next to me. He completely knocked my confidence by flinching. I was driving safely, just getting used to the clutch on my car. Now my confidence is knocked and I'm too nervous to drive.
• I was cooking dinner for my family whilst he was in the kitchen and he wouldn't let me get the casserole dish out of the oven in case I burnt myself or dropped it. It's ridiculous and makes me feel pathetic, but I realise it's more about his anxiety than me being incompetent. But still, it knocks my confidence and makes me feel like a child.
• I can't remember the last time I ever left the house alone. It doesn't even cross my mind that I could go for a walk alone or walk (or drive!) myself to go the shops. He wouldn't outright say I couldn't but he would gently insist that he wants to come along too or getting my brother or sister or DM to come with me. But it's more that it doesn't even cross my mind that I could go out on my own. I never would have been allowed as a teenager but now I'm an adult I could do it but I don't even think to. I want to stress that he is not controlling me, I can do what I want but it's more the issue that I'm so used to being told how dangerous the world is and how untrustworthy strangers are that it doesn't even cross my mind to just go out alone. His anxiety has/is really affecting my worldview.

He is not over-protective with my brother at all, he's allowed to do what he likes despite being younger than me.

From what you say, you didn't live at home while you were a student. Surely after 3 or 4 years of that you have realised that you are independent and competent. I know it's sometimes easy to slip back into old habits when you move back but just think "how was it when I lived with my mates?" And do that. It sounds like your dad is old fashioned, sexist but will intentioned. He should back down easily, I hope.

He IS controlling you.

Move out. You're an adult woman. This situation isn't appropriate.

From what it sounds like you still live at home? If so I don’t think that will be helping. He will feel like you are dependent on him even as an adult. I do think it’s a bit OTT to not let you get a casserole dish out the oven though. Have you ever politely told him that you are more than capable to do things by yourself? Sounds like a bit of a tricky situation but I think the more you just start doing things by yourself the more he will start to see you are not a child anymore! You mention his anxiety too.. has he ever opened up as to why he behaves the way he does? Has he had any help with controlling it? I don’t really have much advise but it does sound suffocating.

He is controlling you. He does it under the guise of ‘caring’ but it’s 100% controlling behaviour.

@pog100

From what you say, you didn't live at home while you were a student. Surely after 3 or 4 years of that you have realised that you are independent and competent. I know it's sometimes easy to slip back into old habits when you move back but just think "how was it when I lived with my mates?" And do that. It sounds like your dad is old fashioned, sexist but will intentioned. He should back down easily, I hope.

Yes, I think it's a case of slipping back into old habits.

You need to move out as soon as possible.

I've planned to live at home until the end of this year so I can save.

With the casserole dish incident I initially laughed and brushed it off as I thought he was joking but he wasn't. It's only when mulling that one incident over I realise how extreme it all is and how pervasive it is in my life at home.

He has always been really anxious. He's been on medication for it for years.

My parents were like this (and could still well be if I let them - I’m 50yo!).

You need to tell him and stand your ground.
He wants to take the dish out? Say NO, you can do it.
He suggests for someone to go out with you? Laugh and tell him you don’t need a babysitter.
Go out and drive your car with your mum, not him.

You’ve made the first step by realising how stupid this all is. Now you need to purposely act in confidence- confidence you have as you’ve done all those things for a few years.

FWIW what worked best for me was to take the mick out of my parents . Gently but humour is a good way to put a message accross

He sounds controlling rather than just protective. Remember that another person's anxiety never means you have to accept that anxiety making them behave in a way that is uncomfortable or overbearing for you.

FWIW what worked best for me was to take the mick out of my parents . Gently but humour is a good way to put a message accross

Fully agree with this.

My parents were similar to an extent.

Being really brutal though OP, how much are you acting like a child now you've gone home? Are you asking for permission or saying "right I'm off to the shops do you need anything?" laughing "yeah good one dad" when he suggests someone goes with you. Are you paying rent? It's very easy, I found, to sort of regress on return from uni. Make sure you're doing your bit to act like an adult, and laugh off the protective dad bits. You're still his little girl in his eyes and I'm afraid - as someone in their 30s - you probably always will be!!

The only thing I will say as that if there is more to his behaviour than over-anxious dad - ie if he doesn't back down at you going out alone - then you should probably expedite your plans to move out.

My da is an anxious passenger and only stopped flinching when I calmly stopped the care and told him he could; stop flinching, get out and walk, get in the back. He chose to stop (and my mum always rides up front with me now).

It is anxiety in your dad's case, but with a healthy dose of sexism.

So many typos

Actually re-reading:
I can't remember the last time I ever left the house alone
Do you not go out to see your mates? Appreciate it's covid times etc but if you're in the UK you can now, outside?

Sounds quite sexist to me.

Hello. This could have been written by me!

I know how you feel - as a kid I envied my friends with super chilled out dads, who wanted to know the names of their school crushes (god forbid you have ANY involvement with boys), who let them dress however they wanted without having a say in it, who let them go to so and so's house and let them get back home by themselves without ruining the evening with check in texts, who'd let them do more for themselves... OR later on, my friends who didn't have to lie about the fact they were going on a date once they were graduated from uni, back at home and just living their own life. As a young adult my dad made me want to be secretive, and I resented him asking questions about anything, yet I was too nervous to assert that I needed space, and if I did, I did it in temper. I wanted privacy so I didn't have to deal with his over protection, and I still find myself wanting the same (late 20s now).

At the end of the day, only you know your true dad, and what his intentions are. Deep down know mine is over-protective out of love, and I have a good understanding of his own traumatic childhood, which makes me feel more sympathetic about why he is the way he is. It makes me a bit less mad about the inevitable trauma i've ended up with over his ways (particularly due to his suppression of emotions, which I really suffered from growing up, on top of all the loving overprotective stuff...). I do feel guilty when I find myself hiding things from him or shutting him out. He's had clinical anxiety/depression from a young age too so taught me to be afraid of lots of things. Arguably out of love.

I'm not sure what it would help you to hear, but you are not alone. For me, endless time processing things that hurt me the most in the past has done me a world of good. Maybe journaling will help you? I spent a lot of time facing things head on and making the conscious decision to move forwards with my life, and to be the woman that younger me would have needed. Not to mention trying to unlearn a lot of things I had drummed into me as a kid.

Isn't it funny how even the most loving parent can mess up a kid?

I want to stress that he is not controlling me, I can do what I want but it's more the issue that I'm so used to being told how dangerous the world is and how untrustworthy strangers are that it doesn't even cross my mind to just go out alone. His anxiety has/is really affecting my worldview.

He is not over-protective with my brother at all, he's allowed to do what he likes despite being younger than me.

He is controlling you - he's making you afraid of the outside world so that you don't want to go out. It's an awful form of control, because you're not fully aware of it. However, you do know on some level because you know your brother is 'allowed' to do what he wants.

Move out. Sod saving money, some things are more important.

You need to get really tough about saying “Stop trying to inflict your anxiety on me. I am an independent adult, and I am very capable. Back off!”

Dear god, yes, he is controlling you, whether it’s his anxiety doing this or otherwise, you seriously need to break this awful cycle.

Next time you leave the house, don’t tell him, swing out, shout ‘Laters! And bloody run. Aren’t you suffocating to death?

He sounds unbearable. Hopefully you’ll be able to move out soon.

@Cherrysoup

Dear god, yes, he is controlling you, whether it’s his anxiety doing this or otherwise, you seriously need to break this awful cycle.

Next time you leave the house, don’t tell him, swing out, shout ‘Laters! And bloody run. Aren’t you suffocating to death?

Yes do this 🌺

He's making you anxious with his behaviour. You're too scared to drive now following his behaviour.

Take the car for a drive on your own. Make yourself go out for a walk on your own a few times a week. You need to do this otherwise you'll be too anxious at the end of the year to move out

I would leave home asap because if your mindset is this affected by him now you actually moving out at the end of the year is unlikely to happen. Staying just gives him more opportunity to control your every move.

He has already narrowed your world view and for now made you too scared to drive. He is using his own behaviour to control you and your life. He has not changed and will not change either. Clearly the medication he is on as well is not as effective now. This is about power and control; he is not being over protective out of love but control.

What's your mother doing whilst all this is going on; what are her roles here?. Is she also similarly controlled by her H?.

He does this because he can and this works for him. What if anything do you know about his own childhood because that often gives clues. That is still no excuse or justification for his actions and your brother is not controlled like this. He is sexist as well as controlling.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and abuse is about power and control.

If you want driving practice use a driving instructor; I would state that neither one of your parents here is up to the task.

Saving too takes time and that is one thing you do not have the luxury of.