Dad is over-protective even though I'm an adult (22)

[myswansong]

My Dad is really over-protective and always has been. It's only since I've been back living at home after graduating that I've realised how much of an issue it is. I never realised how much of an issue it is.

Examples:

• I recently bought my first car and as I hadn't driven since I was at sixth form I wanted to have some practice with him or my DM next to me. He completely knocked my confidence by flinching. I was driving safely, just getting used to the clutch on my car. Now my confidence is knocked and I'm too nervous to drive.
• I was cooking dinner for my family whilst he was in the kitchen and he wouldn't let me get the casserole dish out of the oven in case I burnt myself or dropped it. It's ridiculous and makes me feel pathetic, but I realise it's more about his anxiety than me being incompetent. But still, it knocks my confidence and makes me feel like a child.
• I can't remember the last time I ever left the house alone. It doesn't even cross my mind that I could go for a walk alone or walk (or drive!) myself to go the shops. He wouldn't outright say I couldn't but he would gently insist that he wants to come along too or getting my brother or sister or DM to come with me. But it's more that it doesn't even cross my mind that I could go out on my own. I never would have been allowed as a teenager but now I'm an adult I could do it but I don't even think to. I want to stress that he is not controlling me, I can do what I want but it's more the issue that I'm so used to being told how dangerous the world is and how untrustworthy strangers are that it doesn't even cross my mind to just go out alone. His anxiety has/is really affecting my worldview.

He is not over-protective with my brother at all, he's allowed to do what he likes despite being younger than me.

I know so many women who have gone out alone and been drugged and or assaulted who had noone telling them don't go. This situation is lovely. Dad looking after his own daughter in his own way we don't need to agree but saying misogyny and selfish is crazy. This young woman is asking for advice not a assassination. Her dad clearly cares. Not everyone's cup of tea although I can only trust men who care like this as they do stop a lot if bad things from happening in their own way. Respect to him.

myswansong

re your earlier comment made:-

"However, I have noticed that if ever me and my DM or my sister or brother and DM go out together my Dad will start some kind of argument to tarnish the day. He will either get grumpy that he is not included or grumpy because he feels that he is now forced to stay at home to walk our 2 dogs. Nearly every time we are out he will either be in a mood because of it or whilst we are out we will get a flurry of missed calls and he will get in a mood that we didn't hear our phones ring. We end up feeling anxious and/or guilty".

The above are all examples of emotional abuse towards you all. Making you feel anxious and guilty was his intention all along; its all about power and control to him. He wants absolute over you women. Men like this too hate women, all of them. Goodness alone knows why your mother has chosen to stay with him but she has and for her own reasons.

I do take responsibility for the part I play in this. Up until now I have been completely blind to it, even when friends would tell me he was over-protective. I thought it was great as a teenager that he would drive me and my friends here there and everywhere but really I should have been able to develop independence by planning public transport routes, etc myself and made my own way to places.

I can see that it already has hindered my confidence massively. At work I have noticed that I hate trying anything new and I have to over-prepare massively whenever there is a change in policy/routine so that I can convince myself I am capable before actually attempting it.

The sad thing is that he convinces me I need his help with things and the minute I don't do something he wants me to (e.g. if I don't drop everything to go and help him with something) or if we have an argument (quite rare) he will turn it against me and withdraw all offers of help. He will list all the times he drove me places and how much petrol money I need to give him, when I feel like it was never really a choice to make my own way there, if you know what I mean and whenever I had offered petrol money he would refuse it. It's like it's used as a bargaining chip.

What is so lovely about being told not to take something like a casserole dish out of the oven in case she gets burnt?. It is ridiculous and indeed makes the OP feel pathetic; again his intention. Risk is a part of everyday life and OPs dad is making her feel pathetic and small.

If you really do think this situation is lovely then I would ask yourself why that is. Your own reasoning is flawed at best and very troubled at worst.

I like the idea of taking small steps now whilst I'm living at home rather than waiting until I move out as I think you are all right that I would struggle suddenly being completely on my own.

I will try driving with my DM in the car and if that doesn't work I will book some refresher lessons. I will research car maintenance as it would feel empowering being able to maintain my car myself rather than have my Dad do it automatically.

I'll start going for walks alone and walk to go get coffee alone. It will be easier to be more independent once I feel confident driving as I could go further afield on my own.

OP

Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares. Its not your fault; it is always the fault of the perpetrator. When you grow up with this, this becomes "normal" to you. Its taken your friends to also point out that his behaviour is overprotective.

I would urge you to leave home asap; you can only help your own self ultimately. Your dad grew up seeing abuse in his childhood and has gone onto harm you emotionally by acting as he has and continues to do. He had a choice when it came to you but he chose to enact similar to what was likely done to him.

OP

Small steps like you've written are an excellent way forward for you. I sincerely hope you also get your mother's support in this. Research car maintenance and when it comes to servicing it take it to the garage yourself, do not involve your dad in any part of that process.

You need to move out. Then take up abseiling or paragliding - and send him pictures.

This is ridiculous and you fault not your dad's to be honest. You lived at uni and our now back home so not at all independent lets nor pretend otherwise. You needed help with your driving (not independent) and asked your dad to help.not a friend/dh/colleague etc. He helped and winced - if you haven't driven since 6th form wincing is very par for the course and he was probably bloody terrified. Nobodies parents are going to treat them as independent adults until they see them behaving as independent adults! So in the short term get some one else to help you drive or go out in the early hours on your own.Start going for walks if you want to. And in the long-term( but still quite quickly!) move out. No one can infantalise you unless you allow it and you can only change your behaviour not his. You are not a victim unless you collude with him

As someone who moved back home at 23 after a broken relationship and as a mum now who has a 19 year old daughter having moved back from Uni because of Covid - you are two adults living under one roof in a parent/child dynamic and as much as its benefitting you to use this safe space to save up, you are also responsible here for regressing this relationship back to parent child status.

You flew the nest but flew back in again because it worked for you that way, probably not understanding the wrench that caused and the period of adjustment to your dad. Now you've come back under his wing and he's gone backwards because you're there.

You need to move out asap and take the hit on your savings.

I know so many women who have gone out alone and been drugged and or assaulted who had noone telling them don't go.

And was anyone telling the men who assaulted them not to do it? And do you think this is really helping the OP? I go out every day on my own and I am not drugged or assaulted.

I can only trust men who care like this as they do stop a lot if bad things from happening in their own way. Respect to him.

How do they stop bad things from happening? By controlling women? By keeping them at home? By not allowing them basic freedoms? By perpetuating the myth that women should curtail male behaviour rather than men just not doing this shit?

YOu really need to examine your own life @Tomyoneandonly and stop giving damaging 'advice' to other people.

My parents were like this not so much with siblings - even younger sister didn't get it as much and it is very corrosive for confidence.

Humour never worked for me nor trying to talk about it- best I can say is be aware of it and the effects on you and get out as soon as possible.

You need to move out, but you also need to challenge him and stand up for yourself every single time he says something fucking ridiculous. Stop allowing him to treat you like a daft, incompetent child.

People need to stop calling all men abusive. Op dad is not abusing her. I am not someone who will put a wedge between a daughter and dad. Op needs good advice not people who will say she is being controlled. If their was more dad's like this this world would be a better place.

No one is calling all men abusive on this thread, just the OPs dad. Only you have assumed that we on this thread are calling all men abusive.

I am truly sorry that your own dad did not care about you but the Ops dad is really not caring towards his adult daughter either. It’s control dressed up as concern and caring. Even the OPs friends, so people who personally know the OP, have described her dad as controlling and overprotective.

People like OPs dad are a bad cliche that should be consigned to the history books, not celebrated.

I think you need to remove yourself from the family dynamic.

He's seeing it as the parents and 2 kids.

You're now an adult in your own right.

You don't need his permission or approval to do completely normal things.

How soon can you move out?

I don't agree I have a 22yo dd and her dad would bend over backwards for her. She wants a lift she gets one she has her own home now dp could of been seen as controlling although it was and still is his way of caring. When dd lived at home she was only allowed out with our sons ×3. I do believe that sometimes things may seem controlling and or abusive and they are not. I do belive I can read abuse when I read it. This is no where near.

We don't live in a perfect world where women are safe and heard.

When dd lived at home she was only allowed out with our sons ×3.

Seriously? That’s bonkers.

What would you have done if she was an only child?

The OP sees her father has hindered her hugely.

She has noticed that it affects her ability to tackle new tasks at work.

She won't leave the house without him.

She has noticed that he is grumpy if they leave the house without him.

He pesters them with calls repeatedly if they leave the house without him.

He starts an argument on days that they plan anything without him.

He becomes nasty to her if she trys to drive on her own and tells her how much she owes him.
Ffs.
He has been on medication for years.

The OP is a working women and is now going to set herself the task to leave the house on her own for a walk!!!!

All because of her father.

Jesus Christ if her father isn't controlling 🙄

Really!!

Well done OP for setting yourself tasks.

Best of luck with them.

"ONLY ALLOWED OUT"

An adult.

Only allowed out.
🙄

@Tomyoneandonly

Op I do here your frustration. I also think it's so sweet how you describe your dad. My dad didn't care and I ended up in abusive relationships one after the other. I know your dad may be controlling and you don't feel like it's easy to go out but you can. You can take yourself for a walk or a drive until your confidence comes back. Your dad is showing care and love in a old fashiond way his intentions are good and pure to you. I've read outher posts. I do not agree that you should move out or he is even doing anything wrong. I would have loved to have a dad that cares like yours you are lucky. My ds moved out and came back home 6months after he felt that things was different. You need to bite the bullet and take yourself for a drive or go for a walk. All the best op

This is nonsense. The OP risks ending up in an abusive relationship because that's the only behaviour she's known and it's normal to her. Psychological abuse is as damaging as physical abuse and just as hard (if not more so) to recover from.

He is less anxious about my DM going out, she can go out alone.

However, I have noticed that if ever me and my DM or my sister or brother and DM go out together my Dad will start some kind of argument to tarnish the day. He will either get grumpy that he is not included or grumpy because he feels that he is now forced to stay at home to walk our 2 dogs. Nearly every time we are out he will either be in a mood because of it or whilst we are out we will get a flurry of missed calls and he will get in a mood that we didn't hear our phones ring. We end up feeling anxious and/or guilty. It's subtle but it's a pretty clear pattern now that I've noticed it.

He had an awful childhood, really awful. Physical and emotional abuse and he witnessed domestic violence between my grandparents.

OP this is classic controlling behaviour. He had abuse and now he's doing it to you. It's not accidental, he's deliberately choosing to behave in this way.

The thing about it not occuring to you to go out alone, that's because you've been controlled for so long he no longer has to say anything because you'll say it to yourself. You're thinking with his brain not your own.

The casserole dish was the last straw for you, probably because you've been to university lived somewhat independent and cooked for yourself so it was really obvious to you. Now your eyes have started to open and you're starting to really see. You can see the way you think and the way he acts isn't right, but you're still at the stage of doubting yourself and making excuses for him.

It's really quite difficult to think more clearly than that while you're in such close proximity to the person who is controlling you. That's why you need to move out ASAP and have it as your absolute top priority. Only when you've got your freedom will you start to realise the full extent of his control over you.

Please remember too that you've the right to make your own decisions, they don't have to be justified to him and he doesn't have to agree with you.

@Tomyoneandonly

We don't live in a perfect world where women are safe and heard.

You're right. But the UK (and I'd guess most of the western world?) is civilized enough that a woman has the right to be safe and heard within her own family. As opposed to being squashed down and controlled like the OP.

@Tomyoneandonly

People need to stop calling all men abusive. Op dad is not abusing her. I am not someone who will put a wedge between a daughter and dad. Op needs good advice not people who will say she is being controlled. If their was more dad's like this this world would be a better place.

This is where you display your complete lack of comprehension about the world and relationships. You believe you can see abuse when its there? You're wrong, you can't.

There isn't just the beaters/rapers/shouters and the "stick by me and I'll protect you but only if you don't deviate from my side" types.

There's kind men who respect women and wouldn't dream of telling them how to live their lives. They don't harm, threaten, or make others lives difficult if they don't get their own way. Those are the ones who all men should be striving to be. That's what would make the world a better place.