Dad is over-protective even though I'm an adult (22)

[myswansong]

My Dad is really over-protective and always has been. It's only since I've been back living at home after graduating that I've realised how much of an issue it is. I never realised how much of an issue it is.

Examples:

• I recently bought my first car and as I hadn't driven since I was at sixth form I wanted to have some practice with him or my DM next to me. He completely knocked my confidence by flinching. I was driving safely, just getting used to the clutch on my car. Now my confidence is knocked and I'm too nervous to drive.
• I was cooking dinner for my family whilst he was in the kitchen and he wouldn't let me get the casserole dish out of the oven in case I burnt myself or dropped it. It's ridiculous and makes me feel pathetic, but I realise it's more about his anxiety than me being incompetent. But still, it knocks my confidence and makes me feel like a child.
• I can't remember the last time I ever left the house alone. It doesn't even cross my mind that I could go for a walk alone or walk (or drive!) myself to go the shops. He wouldn't outright say I couldn't but he would gently insist that he wants to come along too or getting my brother or sister or DM to come with me. But it's more that it doesn't even cross my mind that I could go out on my own. I never would have been allowed as a teenager but now I'm an adult I could do it but I don't even think to. I want to stress that he is not controlling me, I can do what I want but it's more the issue that I'm so used to being told how dangerous the world is and how untrustworthy strangers are that it doesn't even cross my mind to just go out alone. His anxiety has/is really affecting my worldview.

He is not over-protective with my brother at all, he's allowed to do what he likes despite being younger than me.

I don't think your DF means to be controlling but he does sound super anxious.

But you also sound a little anxious. Don't go in the car with your DM or book lessons, just have a short drive by yourself. You've passed a test, and even though it was a few years ago buoy won't have forgotten it all.

Walk to the shops on your own. Just do it, don't plan to do it.

If he thinks you can't get something out of the oven, just do it and show him you can.

Your DFs anxiety has caused you to behave in a way that is not normal. You need to push back. In fact, your DF needs you to push back so you can show him you're actually fine and can be an adult.

really I should have been able to develop independence by planning public transport routes, etc myself and made my own way to places.

You can still do this. Owning a car doesn't mean you're banned from public transport.

(e.g. if I don't drop everything to go and help him with something) or if we have an argument (quite rare) he will turn it against me and withdraw all offers of help. He will list all the times he drove me places and how much petrol money I need to give him, when I feel like it was never really a choice to make my own way there,

You're right it wasn't a choice. And this is further abusive behaviour. Making you dependent on him then withdrawing (or threatening to withdraw) support if you don't dance to his tune.

I could come round your house right now, give you 20 gold bars - it doesn't mean you owe me. I could save you from drowning in a river - still doesn't mean you owe me. Bringing up children and doing what you think is right for them doesn't mean the children owe you. You only owe someone if the pair of you agreed in advance that there'd be an exchange of favours/money/help.

There's kind men who respect women and wouldn't dream of telling them how to live their lives. They don't harm, threaten, or make others lives difficult if they don't get their own way. Those are the ones who all men should be striving to be. That's what would make the world a better place.

Yes, this. I'm in a relationship with a lovely man who fully respects my autonomy and my ability to make decisions about what is and isn't safe for me. He's bringing his daughter up to be able to make her own decisions, as a confident young woman. She will not be requiring multiple escorts to leave the house.

Op I would talk to your dad about how he is. As you probably know he has issues and they may or may not effect you. He is obviously worried about your safety and only he knows why. It is frustrating that you don't feel able to do things. Speak to your dm and df and ask politely to back off a little.

I know so many women who have gone out alone and been drugged and or assaulted who had noone telling them don't go. This situation is lovely. Dad looking after his own daughter in his own way we don't need to agree but saying misogyny and selfish is crazy. This young woman is asking for advice not a assassination. Her dad clearly cares. Not everyone's cup of tea although I can only trust men who care like this as they do stop a lot if bad things from happening in their own way. Respect to him

Revolting post. Stupid little women getting themselves drugged and raped when really they just need a man to keep them safe and tell them what to do. Meanwhile, no one is policing mens behaviour and making sure they don’t go out alone and rape someone.
Sexist shite. If it’s not misogyny, why doesn’t he treat her brother the same way? We all know men are more likely to be attacked in public than women, so please do explain this.

@myswansong

I've planned to live at home until the end of this year so I can save.

With the casserole dish incident I initially laughed and brushed it off as I thought he was joking but he wasn't. It's only when mulling that one incident over I realise how extreme it all is and how pervasive it is in my life at home.

He has always been really anxious. He's been on medication for it for years.

If he is affecting you this much already then you won't be capable of moving out next year as he'd have crushed all your self-confidence

Op your father is controlling you.

My dd has returned home after uni. We all bumble along together. The only thing we ask of her regarding her whereabouts is to let us know if she isn't coming home so that we can lock the front door.

This isn't about your dad being a bit over protective. It's about him systematically shutting you off from the world. And deep down you know this or you wouldn't have posted.