Told my DH I want to separate and now what....

[loveyourself2020]

I just recently started a thread where I said I wanted to separate from my DH and as it usually happens in life only few days later something happened, and I “had” to tell him.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4226381-Sorry-I-just-have-to-offload

It has only been a few days and I already feel like I am losing my mind. Obviously, he is very hurt and upset and does not talk to me or the kids. We still sleep in the same bed but neither one of us can really sleep as we are both tossing and turning. As you can see from my original post a lot has happened to us, him especially, and this was not a perfect timing for such a decision, but when asked directly I felt I could not lie and say that everything is ok, so I said I wanted to separate, but stay together a little longer until we are back on our feet.
Now I wonder how I can survive this. It is torture. I literally feel sick, my body and my soul are sick and it hurts to see him so upset too.

Well done. That is the hardest part done

Sorry you are feeling like this. Have you and your DH spoken about it since? If not I think that really needs to happen, now that he has had some time to process how you feel. It is not fair for him to just not communicate, although I do feel for him, there is no going back on your part now.

Are you able to sleep in separate rooms? It might be the first tentative step towards your separation, even if you are going to live together for the time being.

Also, please try not to beat yourself up. It sounds like a terrible time for you all at the moment, but you have done right by him by being honest x

@SelkieIntegrated
Thank you

@Yellowswan
Thank you for your support. We do not have a spare room but I am thinking to buy a cot so that at least I can have my own bed. Ideally I would like to be in another room. I am very sensitive sleeper, I hear every little sound and wake up, I also am a bit of an empath so I feel and hear his restlessness. Now i wish I told him to take that apartment and move out, perhaps it would have been better for all of us. I do not see how we can survive like this for months.

Yes, I know we have to talk and tell kids too. Unfortunately not-talking is one of our problems. This is all very painful, OMG. I almost feel like I have terminal illness, that is how much I hurt inside. Every now and then I think, maybe I should make up. But NO it took me so long to come to this point where I could be true to myself and honest with him and I cannot go back.

Why are you the one upset? He's been bullying you and emotionally abusive towards you.

It would probably be better if you separated properly.

I just read the other thread.

OP,
He sounds like a nasty abusive controlling fxxk.

Well done for telling the truth.

He doesn't give a damn about you, and he certainly doesn't love you the way he should.

You have had 25 years of misery with him.
I for one think it's enough.

Stop with your guilt.
It's a waste of energy.

You have nothing to be guilty for.

You are a shadow of your former self.

He had his chance to be a decent man and a loving husband but chose to shut you down and control you and the house like a terrorist.

It's over.

Don't drag it out.
Tell the children and make your plans.

Do not allow his mother's death to control you further.

Get things organised sonhe moves out or move out yourself.

Keep posting.

Oh Jesus, don't go back. That would be the biggest mistake of your life. Nothing will change and you'll only be delaying the inevitable.

Get out of that bedroom now.
If the children have to double up but sharing the bedroom with such an awful abusive man is neither safe nor good for you.

Well done you, you've done the hardest part and it's brilliant to hear you say NO to yourself when you have those momentary doubts. I think you definitely need physical space so you're not so affected by his sulking energy. He needs to grow up and stop being a little boy about this. Keep going!

Can he contact the neighbour about the unit?

You cannot do this for months.
Absolutely not.

It will be so bad for your MH.

He needs to move out asap or you will leave.

You need to toughen up.
Don't weaken now.

Thank you all so much, I do not have a bit network where I leave and those I have do not know much about my situation. I was brought up to hide family problems, so I did not even share it with my only sister until very recently. Thank you for your support and help.

@Babysharkdoodoodood
I am very sensitive to other people’s feelings; this is partly why I put up with certain things throughout our marriage b/c I could not stand for him to be upset. Not talking especially is killing me. I also feel sorry for him right now as he has been through a lot and like I said, I was not going to do this right now, but life has the way of happening outside of our own agenda.

@billy1966
I know what you are saying. I am too week and that is how I got myself where I am right now. If I were stronger from the very beginning perhaps our marriage would have been better off. As you can see I am also struggling with guilt. This I have been carrying since childhood. Always feel guilty about everything and guilt is killing me
I know that I should have told him to take the apartment but the best I could do at that moment is tell the truth about my feelings, to go a step further and say, move out now, I just could not do. He has not talked to me since and I do not exactly know what he is planning. I know that this is not comfortable for him either. I fear for our kid’s reaction. They are older and they know that he is difficult man and that I was struggling to communicate with him, but still. They will not be happy about this, I just hope that the girls’ mental health does not deteriorate.

@Aquamarine1029
@Notagain20
No, I do not think I will, but the thought does come to my mind. You see it took me years to allow myself to admit that I am not happy and months of therapy, meditation, and self talk to get to where I am now. There is no way that I will go back as this cannot be mended anyway. Thank you for your support.

@loveyourself2020, I hear you. I had a very well thought out plan as to how I would tell my controlling exdh I wanted to separate. In the event, the plan all fell apart because of a trip to the park of all things, and I ended up blurting it out. We stayed in the same house for the next month, and it was torture. You have done the hardest part (how bloody hard to get those words out...) and so pleased for you that you have the clarity to know there is no going back. I promise the peace of mind knowing you and your children are not living under an abuser is priceless.

You may be surprised at the reaction of your children. It sounds like an unpleasant atmosphere in the home right now, that is likely to be worse for their mental health than making a break and him moving out, at least the tension will lift.

If you don’t feel ready to ask him to leave yet, you could at least try to arrange it so you no longer share a bed. It will send a clear message about what you intend to do, and it sounds like baby steps may be easier for you. Could you/he sleep in the living room for now? Not ideal but better than the situation you have now. Do you work? Have any outside interests? It sounds like you could use some distraction from the situation, it’s not healthy for it all to be consuming you like this.

@loveyourself2020, just read your previous thread. Your story sounds so similar to mine. I think we may be geographically close too - you mention the Interior. Do you live in a gorgeous, outrageously expensive metropolitan area by any chance?!

@everythingbackbutyou
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, the first time I planned to tell him, his mother died like few days before, and so of course I could not do it. This time I decided to give him some time to greave and get back on his feet, but this thing with the apartment that he applied for last year, came and I could not, for the life of me lie and say, “no all is well, you do not need to move out”. I feel terrible that I told him now, it feels like kicking him when he is down kind of thing and I know that everyone will feel the same, friends, family and the kids.
Btw, I just read your second post. I do live in a gorgeous, outrageously expensive metropolitan area, but I do not live in UK. Would not mind sharing more with you but I am hesitant as I worry someone may recognize me. If you do not mind we can exchange direct messages.

@Yellowswan
Yes, I know you are right. I know that it will all be better once he is moved out, I am sure. I mean, I am the one who is giving emotional and all other support to our DCs anyway. Once we tell the kids what is going on I can get myself a cot and sleep in the living room but for now I do not want them to find me there as they often wonder down in the middle of the night to get some snacks, as the living room is next to the kitchen. I actually was doing so well for a while, started meditating regularly and taking yoga classes. This did wonder for my health, but they recently closed our yoga studio, again and I work from home, ever since last march, so this whole thing is killing me slowly. I do go out for walks with my girls whenever I can. With Covid there is no socializing, so it is one thing on top of another.

@loveyourself2020 I'll message you!

@everythingbackbutyou
That would be great. Thank you

My kids took it pretty well. I was most concerned about the eldest who is a teenager. Again, I had planned how I would tell her. That didn't work out either. Instead, her little brother blurted it out on a car ride after she asked him how his evening had been...Anyway, the first thing she said was "At least there will be less shouting".

@everythingbackbutyou
Oh, you know with kids, you never know how they feel, they do not really tell you. My DH was a great dad when they were very young, but since they started growing up it changed. I think he got confused with what his role was in their life since they did not need him the way they used to. Anyway, they used to be very close to him but not so much now. We do not really shout (sometimes I wish we did) it is silent treatments and that can be as loud as shouting and as painful.

OP,
You are sounding stronger with every post.

You have done the hard bit.

I also think the children may cope better than you imagine.

Once you tell them you can reasonably start making plans.

You need to stay strong and well.

Dragging out living with him could jeopardise that.

You are doing great.

@billy1966
Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

OMG this is hell!!! How am I going to survive this? I am literally in pain, I feel sick in my stomach all the time but especially when he is here. I work from home, but thank god, he does not, so I have a few hours of respite. I feel like I am going crazy. One moment I am thinking, “Yes, I am finally free!!!”, the next moment, “Am I crazy? Leaving my husband? What am I thinking”. It goes on and on that I feel dizzy.

We are not talking at all at this point, but sleeping in the same bed. Neither one of us sleeps though, I can hear him tossing and turning. We also did not tell the kids anything yet. I do not know if he agreed with me to stay until he is back on his feet, or he actually accepted that apartment he was offered. I would not be surprised if he did either. I dare not ask him anything or start a conversation. I feel like my lips are sealed. Friends are asking us to meet (we are allowed to meet outside), but I cannot tell them the truth, so I keep finding excuses for not getting together. I have to admit that guilt is killing me as I definitely did not want to do this to him now that he is in mourning. I feel like a monster, kicking him when he is down. No proper job either. It looks like I did it on purpose.

God help me!

OP,

Stop sharing a bed.
That is beyond stressful.

He has not been a good husband.

You deserve to be free.
No one knows your marriage like you do.

Stop the guilting yourself and do not feel you have to defend yourself.

The marriage has been over a long time.
You told him you were unhappy last year.

You have to take control of the situation.

Tell the children.
Tell your friends.
Make this real.

His mum dying is sad for him.

You have had years and years of misery.

Don't buckle.

Move this on.

Stop sharing a bed.
You need your sleep to survive this.

@billy1966
I know you are right. Tonight I will move to sleep on a mattress but in the same room. I want to tell the kids what is going on before they see me sleeping in the living room.

I can only echo what PP said. It must be so hard but you’ve taken the first step, you have to see it through.

If it helps your guilt (although you shouldn’t have any) you are doing him no favours by living like this. He is clearly not going to move this forwards, you have to. Brace yourself and take the leap, nothing will get better until you do.

Good luck and we are here for you x