Told my DH I want to separate and now what....

[loveyourself2020]

I just recently started a thread where I said I wanted to separate from my DH and as it usually happens in life only few days later something happened, and I “had” to tell him.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4226381-Sorry-I-just-have-to-offload

It has only been a few days and I already feel like I am losing my mind. Obviously, he is very hurt and upset and does not talk to me or the kids. We still sleep in the same bed but neither one of us can really sleep as we are both tossing and turning. As you can see from my original post a lot has happened to us, him especially, and this was not a perfect timing for such a decision, but when asked directly I felt I could not lie and say that everything is ok, so I said I wanted to separate, but stay together a little longer until we are back on our feet.
Now I wonder how I can survive this. It is torture. I literally feel sick, my body and my soul are sick and it hurts to see him so upset too.

@RhubarbCustardy
Thank you for your kind words and support. The therapist explained to me that while I call the feeling guilt it is actually shame. What I feel is shame but she explained that there is absolutely no need to feel shame, because I did not do anything bad or wrong by choosing to walk away from an unhealthy relationship.

Just received another email from my DH. He says, since I want to take "all the money", meaning the money that he saved up himself too, he now wants to share my pension and to be given spousal support. All this is fine with me, of course, but once again I am reminded how badly we communicate in the best as well as the worst times.

We were going to try to avoid using lawyers because we really do not have much money at all, but I think we should at least try using mediator. We are not in UK and here things seem to be a bit different, very confusing too. Anyway, mediator works apparently with both sides together to come up with an agreement, but also can help us understand our rights and responsibilities as we are both confused, especially my DH as he keep refusing to contact a free lawyer consultation that he is untitled to.

In the meantime, it is very difficult to be in the same space with him. We barely talk now but we did not tell the kids yet, so it is very awkward. Lots of pain and anxiety.

His focus as usual is himself.

He wants to take as much as possible.

You will do whatever you do.

But you WILL bitterly regret handing over your money to him when the FOG of this marriage eventually lifts.

Not having a solicitor could cost you dearly when faced with a mean nasty bully who is out to fleece you.

You really do need a solicitor. You do need to stand up for yourself and your DC. And unless you are a very high earner indeed, you won't be expected to pay him spousal. He will be expected to pay his own way - and that would be the same were the genders reversed. Please don't let your guilt over leaving the marriage allow him to leave you and the DC with less than you all should have. You want a solution that is fair, not one that soothes your guilt.

@billy1966
@pointythings

Thank you both for your support, it really means a lot. These days I feel so unwell, coming here and finding your responses helps tremendously.

Yes I would much rather hire a lawyer and let him deal with it all. Not that I want to rob my DH dry, I really just want it to be fair and just and according to the law. I really have no idea what I am doing and DH is not helping by coming up with his own laws of right and wrong.

This morning I just did not want to get up from my bed. I was debating weather or not to take a sick day and stay in bed, but then there is so much to do. Ever since all this started DH does even less than usual so it is all on me. Taking car to mechanic, picking it up, driving my DD to take a blood test, cooking, cleaning, while I really feel like hiding under the rock.

Another example of his selfishness.

You carry the full load, while sleeping on the floor.

His is a disgraceful excuse of a man.

If you were my friend I would be advising you to expedite his departure from the house so that you could get some decent sleep.
A period of sleeping well would help the FOG of abuse to lift and for you to realise the appalling way he has treated you for years.
It would help you gather the energy to give him what he deserves and no more.
It would give you the clarity of mind to realise he is a lying bullshitter who will say ANYTHING to advance his cause of fleecing you.

He's a nasty, controlling arse and your life is going to get so much better you won't believe it.

However, you no doubt will regret no getting rid of him years ago.

You owe him nothing.

Get him to move sooner rather than later so you can shore up the strength to stop him fleecing you.

You will regret not getting a lawyer.

Ask around for a good recommendation, even if it's just to clarify and dismiss the bullshit he is feeding you.

Keep posting and venting OP.

@loveyourself2020 so sorry to hear things are still so difficult. I agree with all of the above. He seems to be doing all he can to make you feel guilty and taking no responsibility himself. You need to find some anger and fight for yourself and DC.

Please speak to a solicitor as soon as you can, they will tell you what you are entitled to and it is likely to be vastly different to what he is putting in your mind.

Sending positive thoughts x

@billy1966
@Yellowswan

Thank you both. Means a lot.

I am RAGING for you!! There is no way, in retrospect, I would not use a lawyer. They can shine a light on what exactly you are entitled to, ie half the greedy fucker's stocks and savings etc. provided they were accrued during your marriage. My ex would send me pitiful texts like "You can't take everything". If he has these savings etc. then there is no reason you should feel guilty about leaving him in the lurch. You can bet he has provided for himself because that is what these guys do. I understand your shame - it has probably been your default operating mode for years because he has likely tried to create shame every time you tried to stand up for yourself or make your voice heard.

Can you tell I found my rage?!! It grows every day and powers me onwards.

@everythingbackbutyou
Yes, I can see and I am waiting for mine to show up but no such luck. Yes, I am realizing that we definitely need someone to do this for us. Idk why I though that after all these years of poor communication that literally destroyed our marriage, we would be able to deal with this on our own. I know we have option of getting a mediator or a lawyer, so I am thinking mediator as they are less expensive, but they work with both sides and do not take sides, so to speak. But I do feel at this point like I would like to have someone in my corner, and not because I want to "bleed my husband dry", no, I just want it to be fair and in line with the law. That is all.

Collaborative divorce all the way. No court, each of you has own lawyer and the 4 of you get together to meet as well as individual meetings with your lawyer. Mediation, I think, is not that suitable if there is a power imbalance in the relationship. My lawyer was so great at standing up for me when necessary and pointing out when I was selling myself short. I would have conceded far too much otherwise.

He will try to paint it as though you are bleeding him dry because that is what professional victims do. In his mind, you are owed nothing because you are worth very little unless you are giving him something. But he is not the arbiter of truth.

Mine also insisted on being the lawyer out of the two of them to draft up the separation agreement because every little word in them matters. My ex thought he had gotten out of contributing to a particular expense (for his own child) and when I was able to ask him for the expense and show him where it said so on the agreement he had signed, he was literally shaking with rage. So worth it. It did make me want to ask him if he had even read the agreement he seemed so clueless. I'm sure he'll blame it as a failing on his lawyers part rather than him rushing to get the agreement signed so he could divorce me and move on to the next victim.

Please listen to the above posters.

OP, you are wrecked.

With my last child I went through an extended period of her waking us because she was having loud laughing chats with herself from 1-4pm every night.

Husband and me nearly lost our minds with the exhaustion.

I was barely functioning.

You need sleep to get ahead of this.

Get him our and get some over the counter antihistamine, drowsy Piriton to help you sleep until he is gone.

Sleep is key to coping with this.

@billy1966
I know what you mean. I am not getting enough sleep and with him in the house I am on the edge. I cannot however, ask him to leave at this point as he literally has no where to go, no family or friends to go to.

At this time, my sole focus is telling kids and starting the separation process. I would love for someone else to take over negotiating with him as I do not have that strength or ability to do it.

@everythingbackbutyou
Thank you so much for your help. That sounds lovely, having someone in your corner fighting for you instead of me just taking the blows.

Just a little update from me. It has been three weeks since I told my STBX (this feels so good) that I want to separate. Not much has changed. I still sleep on the floor in our bedroom. He is waiting to hear from coop if he will get that apartment to move out mid July. I hope to God he will because this is killing me. I try to start a conversation with him but he absolutely does not talk to me. I feel like my lips are sealed, it is like in the grave, absolute silence when we are alone. We started talking about dividing assets and sure enough he immediately said he did not think it is fair that he shares “his” savings and investments with me. He then gave me a ball park as to how much he has (which is a lot less than I anticipated) but still has not shown me the statements. Everyone says that he must have much more otherwise he would not be hiding it. I realized that while we cannot afford lawyers I would like to hire mediators. At list they know what they are doing, they know the law and he will have to submit all the financial stuff to them. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that he may refuse this too and I still have to hire a lawyer. I do not want to lose a very little savings I have for them but we will see.

What I really want is to tell the kids, as I hate to be lying to them, but he seems to be hesitant. Perhaps he is hoping that I will change my mind or something. I could talk to them alone, but my therapist told me that would not be ok, I have to include him, although he is not going to help. He will probably say something nasty or you know, “I have nothing to do with this” type of thing. This is how he is behaving these days, like a victim. Like I just suddenly decided to ditch him for no reason and poor he is heartbroken. He drives me nuts. I am having difficulties remembering why I am doing this and am questioning my own decision, of course, every day. That is why I cannot wait for him to leave.

@loveyourself2020 it might feel like agonisingly slow progress but you are getting there.
I suspect that anything a lawyer or mediator might cost you will be more than mitigated by splitting your assets fairly and not accepting any of his offers which sound unlikely to be fair.
I am no therapist but I also don't think you need his permission to talk to your kids, they are unlikely to be aware. I would tell him the time and date that you will talk to them and leave it up to him whether he gets involved, if he's unlikely to be fair or cooperative it may be better to talk to them separately anyway.
Good luck, keep plodding, you will get there!!

@balzamico
Thank you so much for your support. Just like I suspected, he said he did not want to pay ANY money for this as we can do it ourselves. Also, still claims it is not fair that I ask for his savings, which is ridiculous. I am getting to a point where I feel like I would rather get a lawyer, no matter how much it cost, just so that she/he can deal with this as I obviously cannot.

Also, my therapist that I saw yesterday suggested the same thing you did, to set up a date to talk to the kids and tell him. If he did not want to participate it is up to him.

I know I am not the only person dealing with divorce and I knew it would be hard but this is debilitating to me. I cannot sleep, I constantly feel sick in my stomach, I have anxiety attacks...

OP,
The anxiety is completely exacerbated by having zero feeling of control over anything.

He is dictating everything.

You need to start taking back some control or you will become ill.

The children need to be told.
You need to appoint someone who will look after your interests.
You need him out of the house.

Actioning the above will help to ease your anxiety by helping you to move forward, not drifting.

Ask for a recommendation for a good strong lawyer.

@billy1966

I know you are correct.

Echoing @billy1966 above. He is being controlling by keeping you dangling in limbo and shutting down the lines of communication. How old are the kids?

I know this is very difficult and stressful but if you were my friend I would be very concerned about your health.

The lack of rest, the stress, not eating properly.
All so bad for you.
You need to reach out for support.

If you become ill it will not be in your children's interests.

Emil him as suggested above that you are telling the children.
End of.

He doesn't give a damn about them or you.

Then ask around for a SHL (shit hot lawyer).

You can do these things.
Your children need you to care for yourself.

@billy1966
@loveyourself2020
Yes, I know you are both right. I really want to move things along but it is hard if we did not tell the kids. They are grown kids, 22, 19 and 16 and I would not mind talking to them by myself, but my therapist says it is better if both parents are present. I am sure that he is not going to help me, but will probably do his best to hijack the conversation by saying he has nothing to do with it, it is all my fault, or something, but still I though it is better if he is there. The girls ran already into my made-up bed and I had to lie to them that I was using the mattress to exercise. He said once he would like to wait until he knows for sure when he is moving out, so maybe that is what he is waiting for. Or he maybe thinks that I will change my mind, or he is embarrassed? IDK