Told my DH I want to separate and now what....

[loveyourself2020]

I just recently started a thread where I said I wanted to separate from my DH and as it usually happens in life only few days later something happened, and I “had” to tell him.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4226381-Sorry-I-just-have-to-offload

It has only been a few days and I already feel like I am losing my mind. Obviously, he is very hurt and upset and does not talk to me or the kids. We still sleep in the same bed but neither one of us can really sleep as we are both tossing and turning. As you can see from my original post a lot has happened to us, him especially, and this was not a perfect timing for such a decision, but when asked directly I felt I could not lie and say that everything is ok, so I said I wanted to separate, but stay together a little longer until we are back on our feet.
Now I wonder how I can survive this. It is torture. I literally feel sick, my body and my soul are sick and it hurts to see him so upset too.

I hadn't realised your children were not young. Tell them ASAP, they will not be oblivious to the unhealthy relationship you are modelling.

OP,

Telling them on your own will be far better for them.
He will try an mess it up and that's what they will be left with.

Stop lying to your children.
They are NOT stupid.

Tell them the truth.
They know so much more than you think.

Yes, I know, I am sure that they know by now and that is why I feel so much worse pretending. They are not stupid.

@everythingbackbutyou
Sorry, somehow instead of yours I ended up pasting my name in my response to your question about my kids ages. They are 22, 19 and 16.

I went camping for a few days with my daughters and, oh my did I love it. Somehow, when you are out there in the nature, all troubles just go away. I do not think about my problems and even if I do they do not hurt the way they do here. We are now back home and I feel awful.

The update is, (5 weeks after I told my DH that I want to separate), we did not tell the kids yet, but I am hoping we will this week. He finally agreed to mediation, but keeps complaining, it is just throwing money away, she is not responding on time, it is a waste of money. I keep thinking how I wish I can just hire a proper lawyer and leave her to deal with all of this, especially him. I have a feeling in the end, that I will have to do it anyway.

Otherwise, I still sleep on the floor, and he is not even talking to me. He does not know yet if he is getting that apartment he was promised (moving on Jul 15) and I keep thinking what if he does not? What am I going to do? I know that separation is a nasty thing, and it has to get worse before it gets better, but still, it is hard. And hurts all the time. .

Still have not found my anger.

OMG we told the kids. This was probably hardest thing I have ever done. I had to cook dinner, and eat it beforehand, I thought I was going to through up. Had chamomile tea and a sleeping pill. Still it felt like I am going to get heart attach. But my kids, omg, I am so proud of them, the older ones, they took it like the champs. My son, the oldest, just said, “wow, when did this happen”? Then he came and hugged me. After he went to the kitchen to clean up the mess. My middle one, daughter, was laughing, as she always does when she is uncomfortable and said, “as long as you guys are in agreement”, what prompted my STBX to say, that this has NOTHING to do with him, that he was "told" just like them. Youngest one, who is 16, took it the hardest. Ran up to the bathroom. She went for a walk with her dad, and I had a chat with her later. Will have to keep an eye on her. I guess as youngest, she was not picking up on clues that the older ones did. I mean, my older daughter knows literally what drives me nuts with him and my son asked, "is it because dad is not doing anything around the house?" which is also true, but you see, he noticed. Youngest one will need to be monitored as she is in mental health crises anyway, but I think that we will be ok, once he is out of the house.

I was not sure how I will feel because when I told my husband it felt good but only for a second and then I was on fire for weeks, my whole body was aching, anxiety, stress. However, with this one, I feel so good, I am so relieved, OMG guys, I feel so much better. I felt bad that I was holding this from them, lying to them, but I did not even realize how much it was affecting me. Now, onwards and upwards.

You did the right thing telling them, now get a Lawyer, you may need a forensic accountant to find financial information he may withhold.

well done OP 🌸

@BlueButtercups
Thank you. We are going to start mediation this week, but I am reaching out to a lawyer for consultation, just to make sure that whatever we are deciding is in mine and my kids best interest. I was looking into forensic accountant and to my shock I found this random info on internet that they can charge anywhere between 100k-300k for their services. A friend of mine told me to avoid them unless I think my STBX if filthy rich, with I do not think he is. Sadly it seem that all these services are here only for the rich. Even to get the value of my pension apprised, I got the fee schedule from an actuary and it ranges between 1k-3k.

Fear not OP, finding the right Lawyer will set you in good stead, they will have people to do this on your behalf.

How is life going @loveyourself2020 ?
Any Progress with DH leaving ?

@Mumof3dogs

How is life going *@loveyourself2020* ? Any Progress with DH leaving ?

Hello and thank you for thinking of me. Well it has been very challenging few weeks for me. The anxiety, pain, guilt, it was all mixed up and was eating me alive pretty much. After we told the kids it got a little better but then came the mediation. Mediation went well and we had a nice conversation afterwards both of us felt comfortable with. After that we seem to have entered some strange, calm waters, where we chat more and tolerate each other really well, so much so that I almost imagine myself going to him for a hug and comfort. No, I will obviously not do this, but it is strange. Idk how some people live like this for years, I sure would not be able to do it for much longer. He was promised an apartment here were we live (it is affordable housing), as everywhere else is really pricey and he could not afford it, but they have been stalling. It looks like someone else may be in the game and at this point both myself and my STBX are praying that he gets it as we both want to move on from this weird situation.

Great news guys, my STBX got the apartment and will be moving on Aug 1 (a little later then anticipated, but it is ok). This is a great news for both of us as we really getting worried. I also purchased a vehicle today. This is the first one in my name and (almost) new as the old one I was driving was literally falling apart. This is not best time for big purchases but it feels good to have a fresh start in life with a new car (if not a new house). I hope to sleep much better tonight. Also, next weekend I am going on another weekend, camping trip with one of my daughters and her friend. Cannot wait.

I hope you are all doing well.

@loveyourself2020 what exciting news! Glad to hear you are moving forward and treating yourself along the way. You've been incredible brave in seeing this through. Good luck on your journey. I shall follow along!

@loveyourself2020
Great news for you both of the apartment and the car!
Must be nice to have something just for you !
Just think in another month STBX will be gone from the house, which is awesome to look forward to.

Hope the kids are doing well and coping with the changing situation.

Only two more weeks until he moves out. I have to say that his has been a very challenging time for me. We mostly did not talk but if we did it was just general talking, weather and stuff, never, ever touched an important topics, like divorce. I know that he has questions, that he is confused as to why we are divorcing, because from his point of view things were "not that bad". While I find it strange that he never asked anything I do appreciate it. It was always hard for me to talk to him about important stuff, he intimidates me and I would struggle. Now that the decision has been made, while I feel like I owe him more explanation so that he can have closure, at the same time, I do not want to talk about it, not anymore. For years, I have had these conversations in my head where I was raging about things, he said or did not say, did or did not do. It was poisoning my body and mind and it finally stopped when I decided to end our marriage. So I do not want to start, open the Pandora box, no.

It was hard for me. I cannot really sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot sleep. So much comes to my mind and it is all bad, staff that happened these last year or so, mostly bad, my marriage, feeling guilty for leaving him, feeling sorry for him. So much so that I keep forgetting the reason why I am leaving him, so I have to sit down and think, remember.

Anyway, he is moving out in two weeks, thank God. There was a point there were we thought he may not get it.. I do not know what I would have done. We are together one more week and then next week I am going camping again for five days, so I will not be here the last week of his packing, which is probably for the best. It will be sad. It is sad. Every now and then I remember what is happening. 26 years we have been together, we were together through so much, good and bad, and now it is over. In a way, it being so long, it feels like a big project you built and now it is over, complete and you are moving on. It is not for nothing. We lived together, supported each other, had three kids and raised them together and now, we are going our separate ways to some new adventures as we are no longer satisfying each others needs.

I still have not talked to the bloody lawyer. I did not want it really b/c I did not want to spend extra money but on few occasions I reached out and funnily could never get one. One is too busy, the other one works in another country, one says, she was really not a lawyer and one never responded. I have a funny felling that I will be sorry for not pursuing this more. I should have talked to one in the beginning and in the end. I do not know why I am stalling. Anyway, so far we do not have issues with money (except that I still believe that he has some stashed somewhere), but have a feeling that it will be an obstacle somewhere along the way, because money is very important to my STBX .

Good news is that he may be getting his old job back, which means, I may not have to be paying him spousal support, because I am earning now twice as much as he is, and he will be able to pay me a proper child support.

I am really looking forward to moving back into my bed. Decorating my house and finally relaxing in my own home. I want him all the best. I want him to settle down, have a proper place to live, proper job and perhaps to find a woman, as I know this is very important to men. As for me, no, thank you very much, all I need is some peace and quite. Having a safe and happy place to go to, which is my home, being happy and relaxed at my home, not stressing about what needs to be done, and how. Being my own boss, not having someone who will put me down, criticize me, control my life.

I will report here in a month or so to let you know how I am. Thank you for your support.

Hi @loveyourself2020
How are you doing?
Has he made the move out to his apartment ?
How did that go?

I've been away with my DH and DS and it's been grim - couldn't wait to come home and now it's been delayed by another day- argh!
His super hard trying from a few weeks ago has waned and the mask is slowly slipping -
I've taken the leap to contact a lawyer and hopefully can meet or call with them soon .
I am going for practical advice from them
I am going to have to have another chat with him soon to make him realize that this is actually serious and I'm not just messing him around .
I think he thinks I'm h go ping to snap out of it sometime soon .
The comments from others about missing the life you expected are true - this is not how I thought it would be in my mid 50s

@Mumof3dogs

Thank you so much for thinking of me. It has been hard lately, I must admit. I am a very emotional person and a kind of an empath, so I feel a lot and all the time. It is exhausting. I understand what you mean when you say "to make sure you are serious", I swear my STBX (or ex) hoped until the last moment that I will change my mind or something. That is how it felt. Also, there are many other posts on MN where women complain that their husbands do not take them seriously when they say it is over. I say, be short and clear and do not engage into unnecessary discussion. Nothing will be achieved by that. Whatever the reason bottom line is the same, you are not happy and you want out. That is it.

Yes, he has moved out yesterday and I finally slept in my bed. I have to say it felt a bit odd, I did not think I would be able to sleep there at all. I stayed up late with my youngest one talking and so finally it was time for bed. I did have a couple of drinks but I decided to take a sleeping pill too and sure enough I slept like a baby. Dog woke me up early and my STBX (or is he ex already?) would walk her every morning, so this morning I woke up, took her out and when I came back went straight back to bed and slept two more hours. I am exhausted. Yesterday, my emotions were through the roof, I mean we are talking a quarter of a century that we have been together, so there is a lot packed in these years. He was very stressed and angry because kids were not helping him, not as much as he wanted and not with enthusiasm, so he was doing it alone, did not want to ask a friend to help or something. He did not say anything but I could feel it. I kept offering to help but he would not take it. Anyway, I was exhausted, so sleep was very welcome indeed. I can tell that there will be many more hard, painful days and nights before things fall in place, but already I feel like a big weight was lifted of my chest.

Great news*@loveyourself2020* that he has moved out and you have your bed back!
I would be planning new bedding and a whole room makeover to make the room mine!
I'm glad to be home at last and in my own separate bed - space abs privacy that I currently cherish and it keeps me sane!
I need to start digging out paperwork for my exit strategy - feeling good saying that - I had rather lost my fight .
@loveyourself2020 have you had chance to see a lawyer yet to see where you stand ?

@Mumof3dogs
At the very beginning I had a short (free) consultation with a lawyer and not any more. I really wanted to chat with one again, but for strange reasons all of the ones I called were unavailable at the time so I gave up. My STBX did not want any of that, he wanted us to do everything ourselves to keep it cheap, but I persuaded him to get a mediator. We met with her a couple of times and are in the process of drafting separation agreement that a lawyer should then check and verify. We agreed to split everything, more or less, 50/50 although he kept saying from the beginning he did not think it "fair" that he gives me "his" savings and investments, so I am pretty certain that he did not submit all of the money he may posses. I decided to accept what he offered and just the other day, before he moved we transferred the money to my account and closed joints. At this point we are waiting for him to changed jobs so that we can finalize the agreement, because he lost his job due to Covid and is on a lot less paid job, which is why I am paying him spousal support.
I am hoping he would be earning a lot more on his new job so I do not have to pay him spousal but he may be paying me some child support for the one child that is underage.