DP, DD has just been rude to me but DP didn't tell her off

[ToTheLetter01]

I stayed at my DP house last night and her DD came home last night from being at her DD. She's 10. I'm trying my hardest to get on with her, she has moments of being sweet and kind but moments of being rude and tbh bratish.
This morning my DP was struggling to get her out of bed, she was moaning and literally had 5 mins left before they had to leave until she finally got up. I was still in bed as I didn't have to be into work until a tiny bit later so I was waiting for them to get ready before I got up.
Her DD comes through to the bedroom and says to me you need to get up you're an adult and I'm a child and I'm up. If you don't get up ill pull you out of bed. I told her not to as I didn't have pj's on. My DP just sat there and said nothing apart from oh I wouldn't let her pull you. Well how am I suppose to know if a 9 year old is just going to pull the covers. As my DP ushered her out she mouthed sorry to me but said nothing to her DD.
Also over the weekend I had spoken to my DP neighbours who are lovely, they commented on how polite my DS is and mentioned they had heard him and my DP DD playing outside. They were trying to word it in a nice way but basically saying she bosses my DS around and isn't nice to him and apparently DD has said to DS "sorry XX I've just got anger issues"
I told my DP this later and she laughed and said oh she hasn't got anger issues.
There are so many other examples I could give. I'm just annoyed at my DP for letting her get away with this behaviour.
She will tell her off and within 5 mins clearly feel guilty so goes and hugs her, or gives in on a punishment.
We were planning on moving in together but I just don't know if I can. I love my DP so much but I think her child and her parenting will become an issues down the line

He is 5. I've heard the way she speaks to him a few times and I have had to say look he can do that can you not tell him off please. As all he's done is asked if she can pass him something or play with his toys.

I wouldn't like this either.

I'd have more of an issue with this than being cheeky with you. 5 is young and he's still learning an awful lot. I would prob not move in together if I thought my child was at risk.

OP I think your original example is pretty trivial and I couldn't get too annoyed about it myself but this:
She will tell her off and within 5 mins clearly feel guilty so goes and hugs her, or gives in on a punishment.

That is really not good and suggests there is a fundamental difference in parenting styles that is going to create problems blending your families.

To me personally, if I give a punishment, that's it. If my DS at that age sulked, cried, whined, tantrumed or threatened to run away, he soon learned that it just extended the punishment time. Not so, sadly, with his dad, who would give in remarkably quickly and undermine me relentlessly, which meant I had to discipline even more - because DS then would chance some bad behaviour on the chance that his dad would ignore it. Very tiresome and a significant factor in why we split.

I wouldn't want to move in with someone who parented like this.

Have you ever spoken to her about your different approaches? Do you think she'd be amenable to family parenting/counselling so you can BOTH make compromises and agree on the best way forward for everyone (adults and kids)?

@Maybe83

There is so much going on in your posts.

1. I don't think it is actually acceptable to sleep in a house with young children without pjs on especially if they aren't yours. Part of the reason you felt so uncomfortable is you were exposed by being undressed. While you might expect privacy in your partners bedroom you don't live there and it sounds like her room isn't of limits to her dd.
2. There is a significant age gap between your children which means on top of your natural style of parenting difference you have the additional difference of parenting style that comes with age.
3. While blending means you do have to align on rules and parenting style somewhat I think one of the biggest issues that can not be over come is were there is a dislike of one of the children by the SP. It isn't the same as for example not agreeing on screen time or chores in the house. Because it creates a different undercurrent in the relationship and the home.

Your posts seem to fall into the dislike. That's OK not everyone has to like every child they ever meet. It isn't ok if you want to blend a family though and live together.

You and your DP need to have a serious talk about how you see your relationship developing and if your parenting styles can align. She doesn't have to accept yours and you don't have accept hers. If you can't meet in the middle on somethings though don't consider moving in together.

I agree being naked in front of kids that aren't yours is not right. But I have no problem being naked in front of my own

I always read the threads where people say “if the sexes were reversed there would be totally different answers” and think they’re making it up. But the number of posters on here excusing rudeness from a child and ineffective parenting from your DP because they assumed you were male is astonishing!!

On MN I generally assume posters are female so had assumed same sex couple from the start and the answers just didn’t make sense to me.

The kid is clearly a bit cheeky and her mum isn’t parenting her properly, so moving in together would be a nightmare. FWIW I don’t live with my DP after 9 years together due to many incidents like this in the early days. It was just never going to work, as he just can’t say no to his kids, ever. This way, that’s not my problem!!

Keep your own place, hang out a few times a week. Maybe sleep in a vest just in case and try to get together when the DCs (or at least one of them) are with their other parents or staying with GPs/friends as much as possible to save them having to spend much time together.

The child sounds like a pretty ordinary 10yo. A bit cheeky but not really rude.

I think it's better that you don't move in, OP. It doesn't sound like you'll ever be on the same page with regard to parenting styles. Your partner's dd appears to be used to a fairly chilled, informal relationship with her mum, where there isn't much emphasis on hierarchy. You seem to have a much stricter, more traditional disciplinarian approach. I don't think the two are compatible.

@UhtredRagnarson

Anyway why was you in bed when you know children are going to school. Isn't it respect to get up even if you haven't got work.

Huh?? you think people who don’t have to be up should be up out fo respect for the people who do have to be up?? Why? To provide an audience for the morning routine?

omgosh who said this!! this is ridiculous 😂😂

@Aprilx

I knew within a couple of sentences that you would have a perfectly behaved child OP. 🙄. I think perhaps your partners daughter is fed up of two adults who lie about in bed until the last possible moment whilst she is up and sorting herself out. I think she made a fair comment.

she said her dp woke up an hour before dd!

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I always read the threads where people say “if the sexes were reversed there would be totally different answers” and think they’re making it up. But the number of posters on here excusing rudeness from a child and ineffective parenting from your DP because they assumed you were male is astonishing!!

On MN I generally assume posters are female so had assumed same sex couple from the start and the answers just didn’t make sense to me.

The kid is clearly a bit cheeky and her mum isn’t parenting her properly, so moving in together would be a nightmare. FWIW I don’t live with my DP after 9 years together due to many incidents like this in the early days. It was just never going to work, as he just can’t say no to his kids, ever. This way, that’s not my problem!!

Keep your own place, hang out a few times a week. Maybe sleep in a vest just in case and try to get together when the DCs (or at least one of them) are with their other parents or staying with GPs/friends as much as possible to save them having to spend much time together.

Why are you making assumptions about what sex other posters thought OP was? I also got the impression from the start that she was female; someone else mentioned also having guessed, and I'm sure others thought the same.

People have different opinions. Yours is not the "correct" answer.

I assumed that the poster was female from the outset. It doesn't make any difference to my answer.

YANBU.

I couldn't/wouldn't live with someone who allowed their child to speak to me like that.

It wasn't playful/teasing, it was bratty & rude and unless that's pointed out to her it's not going to stop is it?!

As for how she treats DS, it's something she'll have to learn because (presumably) she hadn't grown up with a younger sibling, so I'd expect some coaching through what is/isn't acceptable.

I wouldn't even be making noises about the future until you've all spent a lot more time together. You may just find your DP's parenting 'style' far too different than your own to make living together possible.

You're an adult, she's a child. I wouldn't hesitate to pull her up on how she speaks to me/treats DS. I wouldn't be waiting for DP to do it.

I agree she perhaps doesn't like the idea of a naked adult in her mums bed in the morning. When I stayed over at my ex's house when his DC were there I always made sure I was up before them, dressed etc, no lounging in bed. Equally when he stayed at mine he did the same out of respect for my DC.

Personally I don't think she was rude, maybe a bit cheeky but that's about it.

OP I may have missed this but in your post, but where was your DS during this time?

I agree she perhaps doesn't like the idea of a naked adult in her mums bed in the morning.

Would she know if she didn't pull the covers off?

@Feedingthebirds1

I agree she perhaps doesn't like the idea of a naked adult in her mums bed in the morning.

Would she know if she didn't pull the covers off?

She's 10, she's not stupid. She knows if the DP is in her mum's bed there's a good chance they've had sex. Some kids are quite uncomfortable with that fact when it's their parents, and in my experience even more so when it's a parent and a new partner.

Kids giving you grief because not long introduced and you are naked in her mother's bedroom . I would too at that age. I'd say she was not comfortable with this and this is how it manifests. Take a step back, it's her home, she's a child and it sounds like with lockdown and blended families poor thing got a lot going on.

She needs a good telling off and some discipline. It’s nothing to do with a child if your still in bed or not and I certainly wouldn’t let her boss my child around. Cheeky little madam!

Don’t move in OP

I think it's worth remembering you are encroaching on her space and her time with her mum. She's bound to feel resentful, particularly as for the last year they will have been at home, just the two of them together much more than usual. Furthermore to not be dressed when she is around and you have recently been introduced just isn't acceptable.

10 year olds are not the same as 5 year olds, they have raging hormones, are starting to understand sex and relationships and are likely fiercely possessive of their mums. As the adult it's you who needs to make the effort to have a good relationship but I assure you that comparing her to your golden child will do nothing to get her to like you.

If you and your partner can't find middle ground with regards to parenting then you cannot live together.

Have you spoken to your DP about the fact you feel she should have disciplined her DD for the way she spoke to you?

She might have, just not I'm front of you. Especially if her DD is already struggling with adapting to her mum bringing in a new person.

She's 10, they certainly can be rude and less bidding than 5 year olds.

They also are starting to want control over thier lives. They can feel resentful about beinh told to do things (like get up) and are narky when see someone else "getting away" with not having too do whatever they have to. She will replay the situation where she got told to do something but with her in the position of power (doing the telling).

Your DP's DD was rude to you, and your DP probably should have said something. But the point is she might have. It's not as of telling a 10 year old off once prevents all future bad behaviour.

It sounds like she’s using the language her mother has been using to get her out of bed, to be honest, and adapting it to circumstance. She’s perhaps not seeing yet that it’s rude or whatever.

I agree with you op, and I'm a mum of 2 girls. The dd had to be up for school, you didn't, you should not have to be up just because she does, that's ludicrous!! Mum should have made that very clear, you're the adults, as long as mum was up with her there's no problem- do as I say not as I do!!! Threatening to pull the covers off deserved being called up on too as what would have happened if she'd just done it without warning? She seems like she is used to calling the shots in that house. I would be worried if I were you as it looks like your parenting styles are different

@ToTheLetter01

OK I feel like I'm being judged here but there is alot more that I haven't said. Her behaviour is just not OK and she is rude to my DP too and she let's her. I just see this being an issue further down the line if we were ever to live together

Don't live together! There is no law saying you have to.

I meant to add though op, I wouldn't pay too much attention to the snap shot of behaviour the neighbour gave, no matter how much we like to think our own children are perfect, they aren't, and most arguments are 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other. I would let that incident go unless you witnessed it and can give your partner an unbiased account of what happened, or i think you'll find she will become very defensive!

She was rude but your Partner was equally rude for not telling her she was being rude.

I agree with other poster, you definitely should not move in together. 🌺

"must be a difficult transition"
Yes, you can say that again. When a parent brings a new 'loved one' into another person's house you can be bloody sure the 'old' loved one will be fairly pissed off about that.
Your step daughter to be is treating you like as if her mother has brought in a new sister, and prefers the sister.
The new sister (you) gets to sleep in mum's bed and then DD has to get up while the 'new' sister is allowed lie in bed and be on her phone.
So yes to a 10yr old, that's blatant favouritism. That's why you are getting the 'how come SHE is allowed stay in bed and I have to go to school'. It's a type of sibling rivalry for the mother's attention.
She sees you influencing her mother in relation to food choices, what you'll do that day etc, so she sees that as you 'getting your way' with her mother.
She's managing it quite well considering.
How would you have liked it if your mother brought home a new 'sister' when you were aged 10? Think about that and see can you connect with those feelings.
The DD doesn't know where she stands anymore when you are there...
Your son is younger and she's expected to play with him.
The way she is seeing it, is that you love your son and that's fine. But her mother loves you as well, so she doesn't know where her 'place' is anymore when you are there.
She can probably pick up on your resentment.
On your part, you hate the fact that she can control your partner as much as she does because a part of you doesn't want to share your partner with this 10yr old girl.
It takes a long time to build trust.

Don't move in. Her daughter sounds like a wee brat.