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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP, DD has just been rude to me but DP didn't tell her off

99 replies

ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 07:27

I stayed at my DP house last night and her DD came home last night from being at her DD. She's 10. I'm trying my hardest to get on with her, she has moments of being sweet and kind but moments of being rude and tbh bratish.
This morning my DP was struggling to get her out of bed, she was moaning and literally had 5 mins left before they had to leave until she finally got up. I was still in bed as I didn't have to be into work until a tiny bit later so I was waiting for them to get ready before I got up.
Her DD comes through to the bedroom and says to me you need to get up you're an adult and I'm a child and I'm up. If you don't get up ill pull you out of bed. I told her not to as I didn't have pj's on. My DP just sat there and said nothing apart from oh I wouldn't let her pull you. Well how am I suppose to know if a 9 year old is just going to pull the covers. As my DP ushered her out she mouthed sorry to me but said nothing to her DD.
Also over the weekend I had spoken to my DP neighbours who are lovely, they commented on how polite my DS is and mentioned they had heard him and my DP DD playing outside. They were trying to word it in a nice way but basically saying she bosses my DS around and isn't nice to him and apparently DD has said to DS "sorry XX I've just got anger issues"
I told my DP this later and she laughed and said oh she hasn't got anger issues.
There are so many other examples I could give. I'm just annoyed at my DP for letting her get away with this behaviour.
She will tell her off and within 5 mins clearly feel guilty so goes and hugs her, or gives in on a punishment.
We were planning on moving in together but I just don't know if I can. I love my DP so much but I think her child and her parenting will become an issues down the line

OP posts:
Tomyoneandonly · 26/04/2021 09:24

Sorry op I cannot see any issue here. I don't think you like your sdd. If the same happend to me it would be so funny. Like I would say and I have plenty of times to my dcs
JUST DO IT. usually they won't they just laugh and run away. Anyway why was you in bed when you know children are going to school. Isn't it respect to get up even if you haven't got work. Your dp dd sounds funny to me. Hope you see the funny side she sounds a little sassy and forward thinking. Something my dd would say to me and has done like if you're not then I'm not kind of thing. Just a child's way of thinking

Itsabeautifulday81 · 26/04/2021 09:25

The girl seems unsettled and unhappy to me.

And really - your DP not telling her off and agreeing with a neighbour re her daughter is not bad parenting.

Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 09:25

@Postdatedpandemic

Hang on, your DP doesn't get up until 5 mins before work. You don't get up until you have to. Who is doing the parenting? Pretty shit to be the self sufficient 10 yo while the adults hide in bed.
No my DP was up a hour before. She kept telling her DD to get up but the DD got up 5 mins before they left and made my DP late
OP posts:
Itsabeautifulday81 · 26/04/2021 09:26

And if she comes in to her mum’s bedroom in the morning, might be an idea to wear some pjs!

Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 09:28

@Seeline

How old is oyur DS?
He is 5. I've heard the way she speaks to him a few times and I have had to say look he can do that can you not tell him off please. As all he's done is asked if she can pass him something or play with his toys.
OP posts:
aiwblam · 26/04/2021 09:28

Don’t move in with her. Life with her and her DD will be miserable.

UhtredRagnarson · 26/04/2021 09:31

Anyway why was you in bed when you know children are going to school. Isn't it respect to get up even if you haven't got work.

Huh?? Confused you think people who don’t have to be up should be up out fo respect for the people who do have to be up?? Why? To provide an audience for the morning routine?

Itsabeautifulday81 · 26/04/2021 09:33

Totally normal

Seriously you should hear my daughter boss my son about.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2021 09:36

Five...hmm are you the resident parent op?

Becayse I can assure you, you’ve some fun and games ahead with your own, unless Disney parenting is yout thing.

CoolCrazy · 26/04/2021 09:38

Have you been together long?

Seeline · 26/04/2021 09:39

It all sounds perfectly normal to me too. You say your DPs DD was at her Dad's yesterday - was she late home? Was that why getting up was an issue? What is she normally like at getting up? Sounds like she was having a joke with you. She didn't try and pull the sheets off did she?

I think the problem is possibly the difference between a 5 year old and a 10 year old. A 10 year old is always going to be telling a 5 year old what to do. They are completely different in terms of development and need parenting in a different way.

UhtredRagnarson · 26/04/2021 09:44

Sounds like she was having a joke with you.

Joking?? In the morning?? Have people no sense of decency? Shock Grin

Crappyfridays7 · 26/04/2021 09:48

Can’t you stand up for yourself? Not a chance a kid inc my own will be telling me what to do & behaving like a brat to my child etc you need to say no dsd you do not speak to me like that please leave the room or whatever. Tell your partner she needs to be consistent so she’s not bloody late and her daughter acts like a nice well behaved child. Stop pussy footing about and whether or not you move in she’ll still be in your life you need to decide what you’ll accept and what you won’t. It’s not unkind or mean to be firm with a child if they are rude or cheeky to you, her mother needs to deal with it too.

ItsNotLoveActually · 26/04/2021 09:59

I wouldn't and haven't let my DS get away with behaviour like that.
Allowing her DD to get up 5 mins before leaving? Allowing her to be rude/cheeky to others? Being mean to your DS? No! I'm afraid your DP is making a rod for her own back.
Do not move in as it'll only get worse, the resentment. I'd be worried her DD's behaviour would rub off on your DS. No harm in living apart until the DC are much older.

BootsScootsAndToots · 26/04/2021 10:05

How long have you been together? Could it be she doesn't like you just popping in and out of her day to day life, which is how a child sees an adult who doesn't live with them, but appears in their DM bed whenever.

autumnalrain · 26/04/2021 10:12

I was previously a child care assistant for 8-10 year olds. They are all bratty and bossy! Your time will come with your child

autumnalrain · 26/04/2021 10:12

Nothing out of the ordinary

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/04/2021 10:15

I went through a situation a few years down the line of an ineffectual parent letting their child away with everything.

Everything was fine when the kid got their own way, when they didn't they would kick off and manipulate and play adults off against each other. The kid had never been told "No" in their life.

Sadly that child is now a teen and was abusive to me, has been abusive to their other family members and has been abusive to their friends to the point they have no friends now.

This is not a situation you want to be in. It was bloody miserable when I was in that situation .

I would strongly advise you to pay attention to how much parenting and discipline there is. If there's no discipline then do not move in together.

Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 10:29

@Bluntness100

Five...hmm are you the resident parent op?

Becayse I can assure you, you’ve some fun and games ahead with your own, unless Disney parenting is yout thing.

I am the main parent. We are a same sex couple.
OP posts:
Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 10:34

@Crappyfridays7

Can’t you stand up for yourself? Not a chance a kid inc my own will be telling me what to do & behaving like a brat to my child etc you need to say no dsd you do not speak to me like that please leave the room or whatever. Tell your partner she needs to be consistent so she’s not bloody late and her daughter acts like a nice well behaved child. Stop pussy footing about and whether or not you move in she’ll still be in your life you need to decide what you’ll accept and what you won’t. It’s not unkind or mean to be firm with a child if they are rude or cheeky to you, her mother needs to deal with it too.
Yes I should have said something in hindsight because people are saying she was joking but I've joked around with her before but this tone was not that. She was trying to tell me what to do, said im being lazy and she went to grab the covers. I mean it's not much to ask to have some privacy in the bedroom. She can be a sweet child but sometimes the things she does say are quite entitled. If my child had behaved this way I would have said to him please stop being cheeky to DP.
OP posts:
uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 26/04/2021 10:35

I don't know what other posters are reading here but I agree OP. She was massively rude and bratty with the cover threat this morning. If any of mine came into my room and said that to my partner (if I had one!) with an attitude they would get told off.

Also, about the bossiness with your young son. It's probably normal for her age but does need correcting. My 13 year old DD is the same with my 5&3 year olds sometimes and I correct her when I hear it. Just a simple, "don't boss him around like that please" or "don't speak to him so meanly" is all it takes. Sometimes I've had to give a bit more of a telling off but nothing major.

I would start sticking up for yourself/your son a bit more and see how it pans out. So if her DD needs telling off then do it yourself if she's not going to. If it's a disaster with no back up from your partner then I seriously wouldn't move in!

Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 10:37

@BootsScootsAndToots

How long have you been together? Could it be she doesn't like you just popping in and out of her day to day life, which is how a child sees an adult who doesn't live with them, but appears in their DM bed whenever.
Me and DP have been today 18 months. We have only recently introduced the children. They get on well, rarely argue but there are these few niggles. But what bugs me the most is how she is rude. This morning she said mummy I like getting my own way all the time. I understand she's been an only child for 10 year so must be a difficult transition but I'm just worried about how it will continue and I just would never let DS speak rudely to others.
OP posts:
CoolCrazy · 26/04/2021 10:39

You still haven’t said how long you’ve been together. Maybe as a pp said, she’s struggling with the ‘blending’.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2021 10:39

Then op wait till your kid is nine or Ten. I can assure you there are very different to five year olds and making them live like some Vitorian parent where you are on everything simoly creates a nightmare future situation

What this kid did is nothing more than a bit of cheek. Its really not some major event,

Look if you don’t like the kid or want to live with them, just own it, don’t make it their fault and not yours.

ravenmum · 26/04/2021 10:43

It is difficult to have a stranger in your home - for example, if you were used to jumping into bed with your mum in the morning and now you're not allowed to go in her bedroom at all. Takes a bit of getting used to!

My bf's daughter is now 11 and I bring nightclothes if I know his dd is going to be there overnight too.