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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP, DD has just been rude to me but DP didn't tell her off

99 replies

ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 07:27

I stayed at my DP house last night and her DD came home last night from being at her DD. She's 10. I'm trying my hardest to get on with her, she has moments of being sweet and kind but moments of being rude and tbh bratish.
This morning my DP was struggling to get her out of bed, she was moaning and literally had 5 mins left before they had to leave until she finally got up. I was still in bed as I didn't have to be into work until a tiny bit later so I was waiting for them to get ready before I got up.
Her DD comes through to the bedroom and says to me you need to get up you're an adult and I'm a child and I'm up. If you don't get up ill pull you out of bed. I told her not to as I didn't have pj's on. My DP just sat there and said nothing apart from oh I wouldn't let her pull you. Well how am I suppose to know if a 9 year old is just going to pull the covers. As my DP ushered her out she mouthed sorry to me but said nothing to her DD.
Also over the weekend I had spoken to my DP neighbours who are lovely, they commented on how polite my DS is and mentioned they had heard him and my DP DD playing outside. They were trying to word it in a nice way but basically saying she bosses my DS around and isn't nice to him and apparently DD has said to DS "sorry XX I've just got anger issues"
I told my DP this later and she laughed and said oh she hasn't got anger issues.
There are so many other examples I could give. I'm just annoyed at my DP for letting her get away with this behaviour.
She will tell her off and within 5 mins clearly feel guilty so goes and hugs her, or gives in on a punishment.
We were planning on moving in together but I just don't know if I can. I love my DP so much but I think her child and her parenting will become an issues down the line

OP posts:
Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 10:43

@Bluntness100

Then op wait till your kid is nine or Ten. I can assure you there are very different to five year olds and making them live like some Vitorian parent where you are on everything simoly creates a nightmare future situation

What this kid did is nothing more than a bit of cheek. Its really not some major event,

Look if you don’t like the kid or want to live with them, just own it, don’t make it their fault and not yours.

I'm not making my DS live like a victorian. However I believe in manners and as I've said I wouldn't let my DS lip or be cheeky to others. It's rude. I understand a 5yo is diff to a 10yo but I would still ensure he had manners and didn't disrespect my DP.
OP posts:
CoolCrazy · 26/04/2021 10:44

Me and DP have been today 18 months.

Ok. I’d say that’s still very early days especially when there’s children involved, yet you were considering moving in together. I think many kids would struggle to see mums new partner in her bed when they haven’t known them for long.
If you move in together, the kids are basically living with a strange adult and child. It’s way too early for any of it.

Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 10:45

@CoolCrazy

Me and DP have been today 18 months.

Ok. I’d say that’s still very early days especially when there’s children involved, yet you were considering moving in together. I think many kids would struggle to see mums new partner in her bed when they haven’t known them for long.
If you move in together, the kids are basically living with a strange adult and child. It’s way too early for any of it.

We obviously wouldn't be moving in tomorrow or next week. We were just discussing it for the future.
OP posts:
CoolCrazy · 26/04/2021 10:53

We obviously wouldn't be moving in tomorrow or next week. We were just discussing it for the future.

You said you were planning on it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to make sure both kids are ok. There’s absolutely no need for them to have met each other yet. They’re not siblings just because their parents are in a relationship that’s only 18 months in. Your partners daughter doesn’t sound like she’s ok with it, and at 10 she may be feeling a bit pushed out. If you don’t do things right by the kids now, there may always be issues.

Howmanysleepsnow · 26/04/2021 10:55

I wouldn’t expect to have to tell my dc off if they were rude to dh. To someone else, yes, of course, but if it were dh I’d expect him to address it the same as he would with our shared dc.
Couldn’t you have said something? If you’re talking about moving in it seems an appropriate time to co parent...

frazzledasarock · 26/04/2021 11:01

you're always going to find (somebody else's) older child worse behaved than your own younger child. When your five year old is at this annoying tween stage DSD will be a hormonal rebelling teen. Therefore your younger DC will still be an angel in comparison.

Whatever you do, do not merge households, keep your homes separate and visit each other. That way you can remove yourself from your DP's DC when it becomes too much for you.

Opentooffers · 26/04/2021 11:03

If you are aiming to blend families, then at some point, you both are going to have to allow each other to discipline each others children. It won't work if you put each other in sole charge of your own child as they will see the rules are not equal and resent each other. So I'd start now, challenge behaviour you find unacceptable from her DD. You will soon find out this way if your DP stands by your actions or disagrees.
If your stepping in, when she doesn't, causes tension between you, you will have your difinitive answer and it would be unwise to move in.

Callisto1 · 26/04/2021 11:06

I have kids with a similar age gap, both a couple of years younger. They're grown up together and get along well, but there is a lot of bossing from the older one and conflict around toys and TV. Sharing and compromise doesn't come naturally to children, you will have to work on it. A lot! I imagine the time they've been single children will make the transition quite hard.

You probably will have to have a long and detailed discussion about parenting before you consider moving in together. This is the time to work out if you are on the same page and if moving in together makes sense.

I would say about the sheet incident that it is rude, but from experience I avoid any conflict in the morning when we're already late. Your partner could bring it up at a later time when there is time to properly deal with it and the girl is calm.

Howshouldibehave · 26/04/2021 11:09

Me and DP have been today 18 months. We have only recently introduced the children

Yet you’re already sleeping in her house with no pyjamas on!

I’d say you’re taking it too quickly for this child.

Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 11:20

@Howshouldibehave

Me and DP have been today 18 months. We have only recently introduced the children

Yet you’re already sleeping in her house with no pyjamas on!

I’d say you’re taking it too quickly for this child.

I didn't expect her to come into the bedroom not soon after id woke up and threaten to pull the covers off. I didn't even get a chance to put my top on!
OP posts:
Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 11:22

@Callisto1

I have kids with a similar age gap, both a couple of years younger. They're grown up together and get along well, but there is a lot of bossing from the older one and conflict around toys and TV. Sharing and compromise doesn't come naturally to children, you will have to work on it. A lot! I imagine the time they've been single children will make the transition quite hard.

You probably will have to have a long and detailed discussion about parenting before you consider moving in together. This is the time to work out if you are on the same page and if moving in together makes sense.

I would say about the sheet incident that it is rude, but from experience I avoid any conflict in the morning when we're already late. Your partner could bring it up at a later time when there is time to properly deal with it and the girl is calm.

Yes thank you, that is good advice. I do think I need to sit down and have a chat about parenting before we ever did move in. I would want to be on the same page

@Opentooffers yes you are right, it needs to be fair for both of them.

OP posts:
Itsabeautifulday81 · 26/04/2021 11:23

Is this the first same sex relationship you have had that your daughter has been involved with?

Original poster
ToTheLetter01 · 26/04/2021 11:52

@Itsabeautifulday81

Is this the first same sex relationship you have had that your daughter has been involved with?
She's not my DD, but no this is not for her.
OP posts:
JemimaJoy · 26/04/2021 11:54

She sounds pretty fiesty and funny to me. Maybe her mum likes her personality? Not all parents try to discipline the character out of their kids. I am a teachrt and not sutr I'd have disciplined a child for any of the comments you've mentioned.

Aprilx · 26/04/2021 11:57

I knew within a couple of sentences that you would have a perfectly behaved child OP. 🙄. I think perhaps your partners daughter is fed up of two adults who lie about in bed until the last possible moment whilst she is up and sorting herself out. I think she made a fair comment.

toocold54 · 26/04/2021 12:11

I don’t think you’re over reacting at all. I think she was really rude and would be fuming if my own DD came and spoke to me like that. As a child she needs to understand that adults don’t have the same rules as her.

ChloeCrocodile · 26/04/2021 12:13

OP, the child was clearly rude but you need to speak to your partner about whether she is okay with you saying something. If a child (eg niece or nephew) was rude to me I'd say something directly rather than expecting the parent to step in, but then I know my siblings would want that. If your partner would prefer to deal with it herself then you need to make it clear that you weren't happy about the way you were spoken to this morning.

However, I don't think it is appropriate to be sleeping naked if your partner's DC is allowed to wander in to the bedroom. What if (for example) the child came in after a nightmare and the covers had slipped off while you were asleep? Either wear pyjamas or she needs to knock first.

ChloeCrocodile · 26/04/2021 12:15

As a child she needs to understand that adults don’t have the same rules as her.

In this instance the rule is the same - get up in with enough time to get ready and leave the house on time (for work, school, seeing friends or whatever).

toocold54 · 26/04/2021 12:23

In this instance the rule is the same - get up in with enough time to get ready and leave the house on time (for work, school, seeing friends or whatever).

Yes you are right the rule is the same but the times they need to get up is different which the child needs to understand.

starfishmummy · 26/04/2021 12:29

@Itsabeautifulday81

Totally normal

Seriously you should hear my daughter boss my son about.

Yes, I was thinking the girl is probably at that bossy stage!!
UhtredRagnarson · 26/04/2021 12:52

Maybe you should knock staying over on school nights on the head for now OP. Mornings with kids are shit enough as it is- nobody needs the added stress of mums new partner and/or child being there and feeling resentful about them getting to lie on in bed. Save the sleepovers over weekends when you can all lie in and be more relaxed.

Dery · 26/04/2021 13:05

@ToTheLetter01 - have not read all the posts but based on your responses have noticed that you bat off any suggestion that you could have handled this situation more sensitively. But you could. Or you could at least try seeing it from her point of view instead of your own.

You seem to assume you know best how your DP’s DD should be handled but having a 5yo doesn’t make you an authority on how 10yos behave. Around age 8, children start to become very much more independently minded, particularly girls. And although it’s a drag, you really shouldn’t risk being found naked in bed with your DP.

You seem so convinced that you’re right on this despite posters suggesting a more nuanced perception of this. Consequently you’re overreacting to her behaviour and not giving sufficient thought to your own.

AmyLou100 · 26/04/2021 13:21

I wouldn't move in. She sounds like an absolute brat. And she is nasty to your ds! Do not move in with them, let her mother sit with those problems. No way would I entertain anyone being nasty to my child regardless if the other was a child too. Your dp sounds useless at discipline and you really don't want to be dealing with her during teenage years.

Maybe83 · 26/04/2021 13:21

There is so much going on in your posts.

  1. I don't think it is actually acceptable to sleep in a house with young children without pjs on especially if they aren't yours. Part of the reason you felt so uncomfortable is you were exposed by being undressed. While you might expect privacy in your partners bedroom you don't live there and it sounds like her room isn't of limits to her dd.
  2. There is a significant age gap between your children which means on top of your natural style of parenting difference you have the additional difference of parenting style that comes with age.
  3. While blending means you do have to align on rules and parenting style somewhat I think one of the biggest issues that can not be over come is were there is a dislike of one of the children by the SP. It isn't the same as for example not agreeing on screen time or chores in the house. Because it creates a different undercurrent in the relationship and the home.

Your posts seem to fall into the dislike. That's OK not everyone has to like every child they ever meet. It isn't ok if you want to blend a family though and live together.

You and your DP need to have a serious talk about how you see your relationship developing and if your parenting styles can align. She doesn't have to accept yours and you don't have accept hers. If you can't meet in the middle on somethings though don't consider moving in together.

Bumblebee1980a · 26/04/2021 13:22

and to be fair it's probably not very nice to see someone (without pyjamas/nightclothes on) in her DM's bed

Yes I thought this too. U

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