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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DV related.. can he throw me out?

86 replies

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 19:49

I live with my ex, he ended our relationship five months ago. Have stayed as nowhere go , no money, work hours slashed, and of course Covid. For the most part we've been getting on fine as housemates. Not ideal but made best of a bad situation.Until last night he hit me several times (this isn't the first time over the years) inc punching me in the face
I haven't called police as I'm certain they'd remove me and not him... it's his house , he owns it. (I've had similar in past with the man before him... it was me had to leave.. I have no faith in the police, they actually put me in a worse situation)
I've been on the phone for an hour trying to contact Womans Aid. They just cut me off as too busy
I just want to know what my rights are. Can he legally throw me out as it's not my home? My name isn't on bills either.. I just give him cash or give him a lump sum in Paypal
I'm so shaken and honestly don't know what to do. I know I couldn't cope with a hostel/ shelter. And why should it be me who has to leave. I have to work and I know where the shelters are anyway..they are full and way too far from my work. I cannot leave my pets.
I doubt as a single childless woman there'd be any help for me.. I'm so scared and angry. He's selling this place anyway so I will have to go but need time to sort somewhere out. I don't even know where to start for help.
I'm not well and my hours have been cut due to covid so i can't support myself anyway..I can't claim disability (and don't want to) as it's thyroid related so is not recognised
I'm utterly overwhelmed
I'm choosing to stay here in danger as don't feel i have other options and i doubt he'll hit me again if i keep out of his way. I just can't leave my pets or job. I'm so terrified of being homeless as was before with no help so please don't judge me for staying
Where do i even start here..

OP posts:
Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 19:53

I'm also horrified/embarrassed I'm going through all this again. It's not the pattern of all my relationships..just bad luck with the last two.
Ex fiance was an abusive alcoholic. Left him with the clothes on my back,; the recent ex is an old friend of nearly 3 decades whom I hadn't seen for 15 yrs. He turned out to be a heavy drinker and turned abusive too. I'm mortified I'm going through this again and worry I'll be judged for it but I never expected an old friend to turn out like this

OP posts:
category12 · 25/04/2021 19:59

There are fostering services for pets so you wouldn't have to give them up or leave them if you went to a refuge www.womensaid.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Links_leaflet_Oct_2011.pdf

If you're on a low wage, you should get a top-up from UC?

You could speak to Shelter for advice. I don't think you have "home rights" unless you're married.

You can't really afford to risk staying - what if he kills or hospitalises you?

username12345T · 25/04/2021 20:05

Yes he can as you have no rights there. You seem to have painted yourself into a corner OP. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with until you get something else sorted out? You can't stay with him.

Take photos of any bruises and go to your GP in case you need evidence. Contact Shelter tomorrow regarding housing. You can also contact your local council. Do a search for your local DV services as they will know what help is available in your area.

OP he could end up killing you. There is help regarding pet fostering, your local DV services will know what's available in your area. Pack up your things, stick the pets in their carry cases and get somewhere safe.

Happycat1212 · 25/04/2021 20:07

Well it's his house so yes, don't you have any friends of family you could stay with?

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2021 20:07

You do have to make plans to leave if it’s not your house.

DungeonKeeper · 25/04/2021 20:10

It’s not your house so no you don’t have any right to be there. However you shouldn’t be there because you are in a dangerous situation and you need to get out ASAP.

Throwntothewolves · 25/04/2021 20:11

If you are not married and it's his name only on the house then yes, unfortunately he can put you out. If you're married then he can't throw you out. In this situation I think you would be wise to leave anyway. Don't stay because of convenience, or your pets, as others have said there are fostering services available. Report him to the Police for hitting you, it doesnt matter that it was yesterday or whenever, but make sure you are safe if you decide to do so.
Do you have kids? If you do then contact social services and tell them what's going on, they can help you find temporary accommodation. Or you can present as homeless to the council who will have to find you somewhere to stay, regardless of whether you have children.
Whatever you decide to do please leave for your own safety. Start planning your escape now.

Happycat1212 · 25/04/2021 20:13

Why do you want to stay there? You can't kick him out of his own home no matter how abusive he is

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2021 20:18

One thing saying you know you couldn’t cope with a refuge but you can’t bank on staying out of his way as a way to keep safe.

What can you get in place before he sells and what can you bring forward to get out ASAP?

See what benefits you can claim as your wages are low. Try contacting woman’s aid again.

Your position is difficult but you’ve posted for help so hopefully you can get your head in a practical space and make a list of what you can fix in the short term to improve your situation. You know you can stay there and need to move out.

Lamentations · 25/04/2021 20:19

The police will arrest him for assault but they won't remove him from his own home. It would give you a few hours to sort your things together if nothing else. Is there nowhere else you can go temporarily?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 25/04/2021 20:20

I completely appreciate that you don’t want to go to a refuge - and I’ve been homeless and would avoid it like the plague; so I get that too... but you really can’t stay where you are.

There’s no guarantee he won’t hit you again, and he could ask you to leave at a moments notice at any time of day. That’s no way to live.

Could you get your pets fostered tomorrow, and find a refuge place, or emergency housing?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 25/04/2021 20:21

Why are you still living in his house? Its his home, not yours. You need to find a safe space for yourself. Leave

Tryalittletenderness · 25/04/2021 20:24

I’d rather sleep on a park bench than stay there another night. It’s his place, of course you have to be the one to go. Maybe the violence will get worse until you do.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 20:32

no to friends and family . Parents have said no to me going there. and I'm 50 FFS ! :(
My cat is v much an outdoor boy and we live rurally. He's a siamese (demanding) and it would kill him to be away from me.

OP posts:
Nats1984 · 25/04/2021 20:32

Refuges aren’t just for women with children there were a couple of single ladies in the one I stayed at and they were given rooms at the far end of the building , quieter and out of the way, although one was keen to muck in with the mums anyway for company. You’ll get rehoused faster as a single/no kids from this type of accommodation as there are way more studios and small flats than there are family homes in social housing. Imagine your own council place? Affordable rent and no need to rely on a man , it’ll be a game changer, you need to break the cycle. I don’t know what part of the country you’re in , but if you’re anywhere near me LU, WD, HP AL or London inbox me and I’ll help you contact them and find someone to help with the pets too. Been there, I’ve Come through the other side but haven’t forgotten how hard it is to build up and move on.

PotionNotion · 25/04/2021 20:33

If he owns the home and you are not married then you have no legal right to be there, and he can tell you to leave at any time.

Can you contact the local council housing/association, explain your situation, and ask to be placed on the list? Emphasise that you have nowhere to go and you are in danger of violence.

You certainly may end up placed in a hostel or Bnb in the short term, but it should eventually lead to you being housed in some way.

category12 · 25/04/2021 20:34

It would be temporary until you get sorted. It wouldn't kill your cat to be fostered short-term.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 20:34

No kids
and this is my home even if is his house
Why should I leave my pets and all my possessions
How am I going to get to work etc. I would not cope in a shelter/sharing i'd be suicidal
It sounds nuts but I'd rather risk his punches than leave the pets
I can't think straight right now , i need a miracle

OP posts:
Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 20:36

Nats I'm LU7
Beds postcode but in Bucks

OP posts:
YetAnotherHastyNameChange · 25/04/2021 20:37

You need to get out of there before he seriously injured you. What were you planning on doing when he sold the house? Is there anyway you can bring that plan forward. It’s madness to be squatting in an ex’s house when they don’t want you there and have been violent towards you.

PotionNotion · 25/04/2021 20:37

Realistically you need to look into:

Pet fostering while you find somewhere to live. Do you have a Wood Green/cats protection/blue cross near you? They should be able to help advise you or help you locate a fosterer.

A storage unit for your possessions and any furniture that you own that you may not be able to take with you in the short term.

Council/housing association as mentioned in previous post re emergency housing and to be put on the list to be housed.

Universal credit, to see what financial help you are entitled to.

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2021 20:40

Can you speak to the local council they will move you into temp accommodation till they can house you. It’s unlikely to be sharing or a hostel.

Op, I’m sorry, it is only your home as long as he permits you to stay. It’s his. You need to get out. I’m sorry.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2021 20:43

It’s not your home. And your cat will have to cope. What’s the alternative?

People have been very helpful to you so far and posted links for pet fostering. You’ll have to pack up your stuff and make plans to get out of there ASAP.

You’re not going to get a miracle. You know that. You can say you’ll put up with further violence but whether or not he attacks you again he could kick you out tomorrow and you’d be homeless and still without your pets and belongings.

You need to get practical and make a plan.

username12345T · 25/04/2021 20:46

Here's the national helpline: 0808 2000 247

Here are the DV services for Bucks: www.buckscc.gov.uk/services/community/community-safety/domestic-abuse/

In a housing emergency, such as a homelessness situation, you can come to The Gateway, Gatehouse Road, Aylesbury, Bucks HP19 8FF or call 01296 585168 for an appointment.

category12 · 25/04/2021 20:48

You can say you’ll put up with further violence but whether or not he attacks you again he could kick you out tomorrow and you’d be homeless and still without your pets and belongings.

Yes, you need to do this on your own terms, not his.

Speak to Shelter and Women's Aid. Maybe a friend or family member could take the pets temporarily, or a fostering service, then get yourself your own little place and have them back.