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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DV related.. can he throw me out?

86 replies

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 19:49

I live with my ex, he ended our relationship five months ago. Have stayed as nowhere go , no money, work hours slashed, and of course Covid. For the most part we've been getting on fine as housemates. Not ideal but made best of a bad situation.Until last night he hit me several times (this isn't the first time over the years) inc punching me in the face
I haven't called police as I'm certain they'd remove me and not him... it's his house , he owns it. (I've had similar in past with the man before him... it was me had to leave.. I have no faith in the police, they actually put me in a worse situation)
I've been on the phone for an hour trying to contact Womans Aid. They just cut me off as too busy
I just want to know what my rights are. Can he legally throw me out as it's not my home? My name isn't on bills either.. I just give him cash or give him a lump sum in Paypal
I'm so shaken and honestly don't know what to do. I know I couldn't cope with a hostel/ shelter. And why should it be me who has to leave. I have to work and I know where the shelters are anyway..they are full and way too far from my work. I cannot leave my pets.
I doubt as a single childless woman there'd be any help for me.. I'm so scared and angry. He's selling this place anyway so I will have to go but need time to sort somewhere out. I don't even know where to start for help.
I'm not well and my hours have been cut due to covid so i can't support myself anyway..I can't claim disability (and don't want to) as it's thyroid related so is not recognised
I'm utterly overwhelmed
I'm choosing to stay here in danger as don't feel i have other options and i doubt he'll hit me again if i keep out of his way. I just can't leave my pets or job. I'm so terrified of being homeless as was before with no help so please don't judge me for staying
Where do i even start here..

OP posts:
Tallybeebloom · 25/04/2021 20:48

You need to try to help yourself here a bit more OP so try thinking about it this way- you are worried about leaving your cat, but if he hurts you and you end up in hospital then you're not going to be able to look after him at all, or even get him to a safe place. He'll be left with this violent person.
You need to be safe, but if you're not prioritising your own safety, and are worrying about your cat, actually they would be safer in a temporary foster home whilst you get yourself back on your feet than having you both stay with him.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 20:51

Tried Womans Aid (national one) for hours, too busy they kept cutting me off and local one is shut

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 25/04/2021 20:51

You need to get out. It sounds horrendous, and I'm not defending him in any way, however your OP says

he ended our relationship five months ago. Have stayed as nowhere go as well as it's his house , he owns it

My question would be - why the fuck haven't you moved out already? He ended the relationship with you and you've refused to leave his home. Of course he can throw you out.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 20:53

I hear what you are all saying (and thankyou) and agree.. and my cat needs me safe to look after him...my ex would not harm cat but would harm me...
but I'm just so angry. Why is always the woman has to leave and not the abuser..hasn't she been punished enough...
I don't want to have to lose my job and cat they are all i have.. to go to a shelter or hostel would make getting to work impossible, too expensive I'm on min wage and reduced hours

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 25/04/2021 20:54

It's not your property, you need to leave. 🌸

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 20:54

Why, Mad? No money. No options. No where to go. On part time hours min wage.

OP posts:
DicklessWonder · 25/04/2021 20:56

@alltoomuchrightnow

I hear what you are all saying (and thankyou) and agree.. and my cat needs me safe to look after him...my ex would not harm cat but would harm me... but I'm just so angry. Why is always the woman has to leave and not the abuser..hasn't she been punished enough... I don't want to have to lose my job and cat they are all i have.. to go to a shelter or hostel would make getting to work impossible, too expensive I'm on min wage and reduced hours
That would be an argument if it was in any way your house.......... Surely you can see that?!

If it was your house, he would be the one leaving. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2021 20:58

But it’s not your house!
You may have to find a new job. You may have to foster your animals.
You do have to move out. Not because you’re a woman or because he’s been despicable enough to abuse you. But because it is his house.

PanamaPattie · 25/04/2021 20:59

He is probably getting angry because you won’t leave. The relationship is over. You need to be safe. Do you have any friends or colleagues that can help?

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 20:59

I've applied for loads of jobs. Not exactly great climate right now
I' m also unwell

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/04/2021 21:00

Too unwell to work?
You need to move out. Whatever that takes you are going to have to do it.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 21:01

No Panama I'm alone I'm away from home town and parents don't want to know, as i work in retail they won't allow me in thehouse even after their covid jabs

OP posts:
romdowa · 25/04/2021 21:01

You have to leave because it's not your house. He could change the locks tomorrow and you would have no rights at all. That's apart from his violence. If you end up seriously injured who will care for your cat then? You definitely wont be able to work and could he left with life long damage. You need to do this on your terms and get yourself sorted. Even if he was never violent you cant continue to live in your exs house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2021 21:01

It’s not about sexism. It’s about the fact that he owns or rents it and you don’t. You have fewer rights than a tenant. You have no rights to stay there. You broke up 5 months ago and he didn’t have to let you stay as long as you have. Don’t over complicate things or distract yourself.

You can be as angry as you like but it won’t help you improve your life.

PotionNotion · 25/04/2021 21:01

I really sympathise with you op.

But in this instance it's you that must leave because he owns the house. If you were married or were named on the mortgage then things may be different. You can't stay in a house you have no legal rights to.

category12 · 25/04/2021 21:01

Well it's unfair, but it's also the unfortunate result of becoming dependent on someone who turns out to be a wrong un.

ArcheryAnnie · 25/04/2021 21:04

@Happycat1212

Why do you want to stay there? You can't kick him out of his own home no matter how abusive he is
This is a really cold, uncompassionate answer. The OP has already said why she stays. Her story isn't at all uncommon.

It's been her home - as awful as that home might be. She's been contributing to it for years. She's contributing now. I don't know the legal situation she's now in, it may well be that she has to leave, but to cast this situation of it being just his house misses a lot of the context.

SarahBellam · 25/04/2021 21:05

He sounds dreadful but this case you have no choice but to leave because you don’t own the house - it’s nothing to do with being the woman or the man. It’s to do with the fact that your name isn’t on the deeds. It’s very weird he’s let you live there for that long. You need to leave and soon. Start making a plan of action to get out of there as soon as possible.

BlueDahlia69 · 25/04/2021 21:09

He sounds like a Cretin.. but he's a Cretin in his own owned property.

You have no rights to remain there.

You're clearly clinging onto the hope that if he assaults you badly enough, he will be removed from His property and you can remain there indefinitely, which isn't the case. He'll be released and will return to His home/property.

You know this right? 🌸

SuperMonkeys · 25/04/2021 21:13

What thyroid issue means you can't work?

toocold54 · 25/04/2021 21:15

Why are you still living in his house? Its his home, not yours. You need to find a safe space for yourself. Leave

Exactly this.

You are going to have to leave eventually - it’s up to you whether he kicks you out or you choose to leave. I know which one I’d rather do.

PotionNotion · 25/04/2021 21:17

@SuperMonkeys

What thyroid issue means you can't work?

I think thyroid problems can cause extreme fatigue/faintness.

Op are you being treated for your thyroid?

autumnalrain · 25/04/2021 21:19

he’s only going to get more abusive the longer you stay. I suspect you over staying your welcome is just winding him up more. I’m surprised he’s even let you stay for that long!

If you were able to manage before you met him, you’ll be able to manage again.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/04/2021 21:20

How many pets do you have OP ?
Would your parents really not take you in if they knew he was punching you ?

category12 · 25/04/2021 21:21

Friend of mine has thyroid issues that mean she has brain fog, she has no energy, she has a lot of strange sensations/pain, she can't keep warm - it can be really debilitating.