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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DV related.. can he throw me out?

86 replies

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 19:49

I live with my ex, he ended our relationship five months ago. Have stayed as nowhere go , no money, work hours slashed, and of course Covid. For the most part we've been getting on fine as housemates. Not ideal but made best of a bad situation.Until last night he hit me several times (this isn't the first time over the years) inc punching me in the face
I haven't called police as I'm certain they'd remove me and not him... it's his house , he owns it. (I've had similar in past with the man before him... it was me had to leave.. I have no faith in the police, they actually put me in a worse situation)
I've been on the phone for an hour trying to contact Womans Aid. They just cut me off as too busy
I just want to know what my rights are. Can he legally throw me out as it's not my home? My name isn't on bills either.. I just give him cash or give him a lump sum in Paypal
I'm so shaken and honestly don't know what to do. I know I couldn't cope with a hostel/ shelter. And why should it be me who has to leave. I have to work and I know where the shelters are anyway..they are full and way too far from my work. I cannot leave my pets.
I doubt as a single childless woman there'd be any help for me.. I'm so scared and angry. He's selling this place anyway so I will have to go but need time to sort somewhere out. I don't even know where to start for help.
I'm not well and my hours have been cut due to covid so i can't support myself anyway..I can't claim disability (and don't want to) as it's thyroid related so is not recognised
I'm utterly overwhelmed
I'm choosing to stay here in danger as don't feel i have other options and i doubt he'll hit me again if i keep out of his way. I just can't leave my pets or job. I'm so terrified of being homeless as was before with no help so please don't judge me for staying
Where do i even start here..

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2021 21:23

I don't know the legal situation she's now in, it may well be that she has to leave, but to cast this situation of it being just his house misses a lot of the context.

The legal situation is clear. She doesn’t own the house, she couldn’t afford to maintain it even if she could get him removed from it and she can’t.

No one’s saying she’s in a good spot but the context actually doesn’t make a difference. She needs to move out. She knows that. The obstacles need overcoming or she’ll end up homeless and completely out of control, or dead.

It’s that serious. He knows how vulnerable she is.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/04/2021 21:26

@category12

Friend of mine has thyroid issues that mean she has brain fog, she has no energy, she has a lot of strange sensations/pain, she can't keep warm - it can be really debilitating.

I have much the same. Even on medication I am never really well as in how I was before, and as I look fine it can be hard for other people to understand.

katieg03 · 25/04/2021 21:28

Have you tried the council to speak to homeless department?? You can't stay in that house. It's not yours. You could go to work one day and he's changed the locks. Nothing you can do. Get yourself out and claim universal credit

MadMadMadamMim · 25/04/2021 21:28

I understand you are terrified about being homeless but what is your plan?

You could go out to work tomorrow and come back to find he's dumped your stuff on the doorstep and won't let you in. What will you do then? You said you just wanted to know what your rights are - and people have repeatedly told you that you haven't any. He owns the house and ended the relationship. It's a clear sign he expected you to leave.

People aren't unsympathetic, but they are pointing out to you that you have absolutely no rights to remain where you are. Being angry or insisting you can't leave isn't helping you. You seem to have buried your head in the sand for five months now.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 25/04/2021 21:28

OP, this sounds horrendous for you, I am so sorry you are in this situation.

It sounds as if your best bet might be to call Shelter for housing advice, and the council and tell them you are homeless.

Also CAB.

If you have a p/t minimum wage job you should be entitled to Housing Benefit / Universal Credit. There is help out there for you OP, though getting it put into action is a hard job. But even without living with violence, if he is selling the house you will be homeless anyway.

Sending you strength.

BlueDahlia69 · 25/04/2021 21:34

I have an under active thyroid, I take daily medication for life.

I work full time, and I live a life without limit.

Original poster

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 21:39

errr it's not just that, Blue. Last summer I was doing 90 hour weeks. And my job is very full on, I walk about 15 miles a day. I'm a very active person. Everyone is different with thyroid. Sometimes mine is stable sometimes not. It's bad right now and I've had thyroid storms too

OP posts:

Original poster

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/04/2021 21:40

And it's caused lots of other problems I won't go into on here as could be outing but really everyone is different with it. Mine can just go haywire with stress or whatever after being fine for years

OP posts:

BlueDahlia69 · 25/04/2021 21:40

@alltoomuchrightnow

I agree

this is my life experience, the medication changed my life.

SuperMonkeys · 25/04/2021 22:44

Likewise. I also found that my b12 was low which apparently is often the way, so 8 weekly injections really help.

LemonTT · 26/04/2021 04:43

Apart from sending virtual sympathy I’m not sure what advice you think people can give. There isn’t anyway around the fact it’s his house. That means you need to move out either immediately or in the near future. If you are at risk you need to go ASAP. There is a reality you have to face. Whether it’s unfair or not. Because you are not married and your finances aren’t combined.

Help comes from the council or voluntary services if you need a new home. Or you will need to find some money.

Where do you think you could get money from?

Seafog · 26/04/2021 05:36

Violence is never ok, you need to leave.
Put the cat in foster care, and get yourself to safety.
There is no point in having a job if you are dead or too beat up to go.
You have had nearly half a year since the break up to find somewhere else, even if it is a bed sit.
You can't just keep staying in someone's house .

ILikeMango · 26/04/2021 07:38

@BlueDahlia69 surely you understand everyone’s experience is different? It’s like Covid, one person might suffer terribly or even die while the next person doesn’t even have symptoms. Imagine a friend saying she is homebound due to cancer and you said “well I had cancer and a few rounds of radiation put it right into remission.” What’s the relevance?

PotionNotion · 26/04/2021 14:05

Can you make a start on contacting some of the organisations mentioned above op?

Pebbledashery · 26/04/2021 14:16

As someone who has been in your position, I will tell you.. You won't win when it comes to the house.. Morally you have every right to stay but legally its his house so you have to leave.. Even if you got an occupation order.. It would be for a maximum of 6 months and they would usually only grant it if it was the family home to children.. I've been there.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this, it's utterly horrific. The police were fantastic in my case.. Please don't lose hope in them. Please report the assault.. He'll be detained and questioned giving you time to leave. You're in a horrifically dangerous and volatile situation and this is the peak.
It is absolutely possible to start all over again. I promise you. I was so disheartened and dejected.
I left my ex partners house with 3 bin liners and a suitcase, my daughter and my rust bucket car. A year on, I have a house, I'm about to start a new job and my daughter is thriving..
Please just get yourself out of there.. A refuge for a few weeks.. Sort your benefits out, apply for universal credit straight away.. You can get help with housing costs too. Also look up your local domestic abuse agency.. I self referred to my local one who were amazing.
Whatever you do. Just get out.. Men like this are capable of murder.

RantyAnty · 26/04/2021 14:18

Are you taking medicine for your thyroid?

tabulahrasa · 26/04/2021 14:23

I’ve no experience with cat fostering... but I foster dogs and I believe it’s similar and honestly, your cat will be fine.

It’s people’s homes they go to to be looked after - not a centre.

Pebbledashery · 26/04/2021 14:27

Just reading your updates op..
You really need to help yourself a bit more and not have this why should it be me that leaves attitude. You're a victim of domestic abuse and the longer you dig your heels in the more he's going to use you as a punch bag.
Help yourself.
Yes it will be tough, but you will do it.
Ask for some time off from work, claim universal credit, sort your housing options out, you will get emergency temporary accommodation as a victim of domestic abuse. Your cat can go into a local cattery for a short time whilst you sort things out.. You can explain the reasons why to them.
It's not impossible, you're coming up with every excuse not to leave because you think its your home but it's not your home, it's ultimately the place he's going to kill you. From reading your posts you're more concerned about the housing situation than the physical abuse you're suffering.
If I can start again with a child.. Then you can.
You can get into a refuge by tonight if you just helped yourself a bit more.

HelpMeh · 26/04/2021 14:32

As above, he's not going to be kicked out of a house that belongs to him and that you have no beneficial interest in. This is why people always harp on about the importance of marriage and not giving up your own financial independence.

If you can't get through to Women's Aid you need to speak to your council's homeless department or Shelter and say you've been thrown out by violent ex and have nowhere to go. Cat either goes with you or into boarding/foster until you can make more permanent arrangements.

Do your parents know you're in actual danger? Maybe you need to be more explicit. You aren't asking for a favour you're asking for help?

PennyRoyal · 26/04/2021 15:02

@alltoomuchrightnow Have you had any joy today following up some of ideas given? Have you got a list of options?

You have no legal right to be in that house and to be honest, why would you want to be? When you split up 5 months ago, did you think you would stay there forever as housemates?

With the best intentions, pull your big girl pants up and sort your life out. Look forward to a bright future on your own. Good luck

BlueDahlia69 · 26/04/2021 19:41

@ILikeMango

Imagine a friend saying she is homebound due to cancer and you said “well I had cancer and a few rounds of radiation put it right into remission.” What’s the relevance?

No... I will not 'imagine' because it is not what was said and that is an appalling comparison to make. What is wrong with you?

I agreed with OP Thyroid medication changed my life, but you chose to ignore that post.?

Im really appalled by your post.

Original poster

alltoomuchrightnow · 26/04/2021 20:58

Thyroid meds didnt change my life but that's another story.
Things got worse since been on in and I wasn't able to get T3 despite offering to pay for it.
The infertility from it being undiagnosed for so long also ruined my life
Also thyroxine has not prevented many things from happening.
Thanks for all the replies.
I am chasing up various avenues but exhausted and overwhelmed.
I do have a friend with a spare room near my work for emergency

OP posts:

BlueDahlia69 · 26/04/2021 21:03

OP you can get through this.. and your friend having the emergency room is good.

People here want you to be safe and unharmed.

Good luck to you 🌸

Wolfiefan · 26/04/2021 21:05

DV IS an emergency. You need to leave.

HelpMeh · 26/04/2021 21:11

@Wolfiefan

DV IS an emergency. You need to leave.

This. If someone punching you in the face isn't an emergency, what is? Don't underestimate how dangerous your situation is.

You need to cut your losses, grab the cat and run.

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