To feel sad that all my friends are having their second babies?

[MakkaPakka84]

I have a DD who has just turned two. In the past month or so, most of my mum friends have announced their second pregnancies.

After discussing the possibility of having a DC2, DH is not on board with the idea, but at the same time he is not closing the door altogether. He values having some downtime and is worried that a second child will eat into the few free moments we currentlyhave. He has also confessed having conflicted feelings towards fatherhood: he loves DD to bits and is amazing with her, but at the same time he feels terribly guilty for not having enjoyed the baby stage as much as he perceived other dads to do.

Honestly I don't know what to do, I have been so sad lately. As an only child myself, I always wanted a sibling for DD and I feel that history is repeating itself. I am 37 and feel that every month that passes takes away the possibility of another baby.

What makes it harder, in a way, is that DH is not 100% sure that he only wants one. He did the same with DD, just putting TTC off for months and months - and now he is saying that "definitely not now, but perhaps later on". I could deal better with a more adamant decision, if that had been his wish for years, I could grieve for a bit and then move on.

I have tried making a list of the positives of having a bigger age gap: less financial pressure for childcare; enjoying my maternity leave more by having a more independent DD; etc. But at the end of the day I am only kidding myself, as perhaps this won't happen at all: even if we did decide to TTC later on, my age would probably get in the way.

Sorry for the ramble, I just had to get it off my chest now that another of my friends announced her second pregnancy. I can't help feeling so, so sad and bitter, and I am finding it hard being around these people at the moment even if I am really happy for them. I know I shouldn't isolate myself, but at the same time I am finding this quite hard to process.

I left having my second dc until I was 38 - I’m 4 miscarriages later and in 40s. So probably not going to happen. You don’t know what issues you might encounter. Lots of women have secondary infertility

Sorry about your miscarriages @CoconutMaracas, big hug, you must have had quite a hard time.

You have a bit of time still OP.
I had my second one just before turning 40...
So - i’d just continue conversations with him about +- and see where he gets to.
There are arguments for smaller and larger gaps. All are OK in the end.
I’d try to weave in a second child in conversation every now and then - casually, not with pressure or emotions. Maybe if he can get his head around it - he’ll get to a decision faster.
And - I’d also try to get through to him that his connection/or even involvement with the baby stage isn’t all that important. It’s him connecting with the child as they are growing up.

My kids are now teenagers and trust me - they have no memory of how their dad was with them as babies.

Finally - as to having less time and less freedoms...... I find it’s often people are much more precious with their first babies. And second/and following ones aren’t treated the same. So - they end up falling in with the family routine more - travel sooner, etc.
I say it as a parent who brought frozen home cooked meals with me when travelling with my 1st. She was a PFB, for sure.
Second ate what she was given.
Etc.
So while the early early days with two I found hard - it then turned easier very quickly.
So - in your mentions of the potential second - if there is anything you can say, like... Second time around I’d not be ....; or remember how silly it was not to do ... with a baby, now I know we could do....

Good luck.

Honestly OP, I wouldn't be one bit happy with him and his dictating everything.

He sounds like a selfish dick.

Secondary infertility is a real thing.
I had it.
Several miscarriages before I held on to my second child and just as we were in the middle of tests in a fertility clinic.
I was very lucky as it was looking like it would be unexplained infertility.

What about your happiness.
He's all about himself.
Giving you the run a round with TTC the first time.

I think you better think long and hard about how you feel and communicate it very forcefully to him.

Because if you don't have another and are left resentful, your marriage could be over.

If he messes you around again and you try in a couple of years and it doesn't happen, again you are left resentful.

It will kill your marriage.

He messed you around once, don't let it happen again.

Personally I couldn't be with someone so selfish.

You have my sympathy.
You must be so disappointed in him.

You still have time. I had my second 8 years after my first at 38 (a few days before my 39th birthday). Only thing I think is it may take longer to conceive.

Lots of people are very happy to have one child and they grow up very contented.

I wanted a sibling for my eldest and it was like a pain in my chest until I had him.

If my husband had attempted to dick me around regarding trying it would have been the end of us for sure.

It sounds like he doesn’t want another child at all. But can’t quite bring himself to say it to you. It’s not fair of him to say maybe later when you’re 37.

Just because some people easily have a second child it definitely isn’t the same for a lot of women I know. You could go for a fertility check or freeze your eggs to get the pressure off? You can’t force him but you also can’t delay really x

Sorry OP. I’m not sure what to advise about your DH!

I think you need to be firmer though. In the nicest way you don’t have time to faff around at 37.... I agree with the other post you don’t know what will come your way. I wouldn’t risk it if your wanting a 2nd wasn’t this discussed before? Due to your age.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry your DH is leaving you hanging like this. In my experience men delay like this because they prefer to live in cloud cuckoo land and think that they have years and years to make up their mind. It doesn’t matter how many articles you send him about fertility- he will have in mind the example of women who have had children in their 40s and assume it’s an option for you both. Men like this (incl my DH) won’t listen to us, but they will listen to the experts.

My advice would be to go for a fertility MOT (and not necessarily tell him in advance). If the results are good, this will help you to relax slightly. (However, I would recommend you ask the consultant to add in his report some statistics about the length of time it can take to successfully conceive at your age and at 40, and the likelihood of miscarriage and further complications/risks of pregnancy for ‘older’ mothers). If the MOT results are not so good and you’re advised to get a move on right away, you’ll have cold, hard facts to present him with and the consultant’s report will shock him into coming to a decision (hopefully the one you want). Best of luck

I had my son at 37. My husband wanted to delay TTC a second child, and by the time he agreed it was too late for me to conceive. I'm so furious I allowed myself to be talked into this delay to suit him for so many reasons. I have tried to forgive him for this but I can't forget how it affected my hopes for a family. Having said that, my son has been a continual source of joy to us, has plenty of friends and I don't think it has impacted him negatively being an only child. But if I had known back then how my husband's decision would affect me and my opinion of him in the long run, I would have immediately left him. And from my friends' experience, having kids close in age is more tiring in the beginning, but then makes life easier as they tend to be doing similar activities/same school etc. If you are serious about having a second child, tell him you need to TTC now. It's never the perfect time but it could become too late for you.

No advice really but just wanted to share I’m in the same boat. We had always discussed having 2-3 children and after having DD (now 8m) DH has admitted he doesn’t think he wants any more. I feel he’s knocked the wind out of my sails and heartbroken but equally don’t want to push it as I wouldn’t want to force it and then him resent the second child. It’s the uncertainty that is so difficult. I’ve packed all DDs small clothes for the charity shop as there’s no point holding onto all of them (except the few special sentimental bits) but can’t bring myself to take them in case we do have another one.

However I am in my twenties so I would hope that I have enough time to worry about it. In your shoes I would push for a more certain answer and I like the idea above about going for a fertility MOT. Whatever the outcome hope it works out well x

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments.

I do worry about having a second child if DH is not totally on board, as I feel the additional stress and lack of excitement/support would be a lethal mix.

We had a long discussion today and he was clear that's not what he wants right now. I asked him if that's his final choice, because I need to move on psychologically. He can't understand my need for a definite answer, in his mind I am tricking myself to think a decision not to have more children can be final. But I am hating this limbo, I need to make peace with a no.

We don't really have practical reasons to wait. Big enough house, savings, we could make it work so well. We earn exactly the same amount, so there isn't even financial pressure on him.

I worry about growing more and more resentful, but what is the alternative, breaking up the family now? I can't make him want a second child, for sure, and of he doesn't it's not wise of me to insist on this just for my sake - it would end up in tears.

@Chocolatefreak

I had my son at 37. My husband wanted to delay TTC a second child, and by the time he agreed it was too late for me to conceive. I'm so furious I allowed myself to be talked into this delay to suit him for so many reasons. I have tried to forgive him for this but I can't forget how it affected my hopes for a family. Having said that, my son has been a continual source of joy to us, has plenty of friends and I don't think it has impacted him negatively being an only child. But if I had known back then how my husband's decision would affect me and my opinion of him in the long run, I would have immediately left him. And from my friends' experience, having kids close in age is more tiring in the beginning, but then makes life easier as they tend to be doing similar activities/same school etc. If you are serious about having a second child, tell him you need to TTC now. It's never the perfect time but it could become too late for you.

I feel very sorry for you.

Absolutely robbed of your choice because of your husband's indecision.

OP,
Do not be this woman.
Having children does NOT happen when you click your fingers.

Only a selfish twat of a husband would think that.

Think about what you want.

Your husband is messing you around.

There is nothing wrong with having an only child. If I were you I would join some one child Facebook groups. They've been a big help for me. I'm an only child with an only child.

@ginger1982 there is nothing wrong with being an only child, some people I know loved it. Personally, I didn't like growing up without siblings - my parents were very intense and projected a lot of their own unrealised ambitions on me. I got always so bored during holidays and at the dinner table. When my mother had breakdowns and serious problems during my teens, there was no one to share the experience with.

It's not just about DD, though. I loved having her and it genuinely made me so happy, I would love to raise another kid.

Two children will entertain each other, then he can have more of his "time" to himself? Sorry no advice just an argument you can put to him!

It's clear he doesn't want another child. You can't force him to have another just like he couldn't force you. I think you just have to get through this.

I don’t know, I’m on the fence. Because I’m pregnant with my first and I’m already quite sure he will be an only- reasons being I’m already 35, I want to enjoy him being little without pressure to ‘crack on’ with a second, in terms of free time, career-wise and financially I think it will be better for us to stick to one, and also because there’s absolutely no guarantee that siblings will be close or ‘entertain’ each other as a PP suggested so that’s not a good enough reason for me to go ahead.

DH would probably be more inclined to have another for sure, but I wouldn’t cope well with him putting pressure on me once I’d laid out my above, very valid reasons for not wanting to do so.

Ah this is hard. But I think if you do your best to try convince yourself that you're done having children you'll give yourself chance to process it and move on. Realistically at 37 if he's not into the idea now and doesn't know when he will be (when you only have a few childbearing years left) he's effectively closing the door on more kids. I think a guy who was into the idea of having another would at least be able to openly say 'let's try in three years, but I know that makes it less likely it'll happen for us'.

I've been in a similar spot, only a few years younger. Originally planned on two, had one, DH realised after a few months of parenthood that although he loves being a father (and honestly, I've genuinely never come across a more fantastic, loving, engaged dad in my life!) he is content to remain at one child. It hit me hard initially as I had always envisaged two, but as time went on and I processed it more I realised that I'm actually on the same page. Maybe a little less determinedly than him, there's a chance he could talk me into another possibly if he wanted to, but we have so many reasons not to have another that it just makes sense for us. I've gone from trying to convince myself to believe that to actually truly believing it and it has given me a lot of peace.

Ultimately as you've acknowledged, it would be disastrous to have a child with someone who isn't excited about it, I know so many couples where the first child was a real shock to the system and one person was extremely reluctant to go through it again, they ended up having a second, and then split up pretty soon after. Only anecdote of course but of the majority of couples I know closely and more distantly, the split came very soon after child two. It's just a lot. With your first you don't know what's coming and the novelty and excitement of becoming new parents kinda gets you through, not to mention the fact that by the time you know whether you enjoy it or not you can't back out and have to forge ahead. The decision to have a second is MUCH harder imo: you don't have the 'becoming parents' drive as you already are parents, you know how hard it is and that the next time around it'll be even harder juggling two, you may have just started to get some of yourself back once your toddler is sleeping through, and there's a sense of being afraid to go back through the difficult first year.

It isn't easy but as you know you have to respect your DH's decision and either accept that this is how your family will likely look for keeps, or separate and pursue a second child in another way if that means enough to you (which it does to some!). I hope you find peace!

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I don’t know, I’m on the fence. Because I’m pregnant with my first and I’m already quite sure he will be an only- reasons being I’m already 35, I want to enjoy him being little without pressure to ‘crack on’ with a second, in terms of free time, career-wise and financially I think it will be better for us to stick to one, and also because there’s absolutely no guarantee that siblings will be close or ‘entertain’ each other as a PP suggested so that’s not a good enough reason for me to go ahead.

DH would probably be more inclined to have another for sure, but I wouldn’t cope well with him putting pressure on me once I’d laid out my above, very valid reasons for not wanting to do so.

It's one of the biggest destroyers of relationships imo, one person cajoling or pressuring the other into a child, whether it's their first or tenth. It's a recipe for disaster. It's a total myth too that two will always entertain one another and get along, I know just as many sibling pairs where they can't be physically left alone due to fighting, arguing etc. I've spoken privately to quite a few people who have acknowledged that as much as they love their child, if they could go back in time they'd have stuck with one.

I mentioned our situation above but it's kinda a golden rule for me in relationships, that you never, EVER try and persuade someone into having a child. You can discuss it, but once you start putting pressure on it's incredibly unfair and will cause serious damage.

Two children will entertain each other

Our two argue like cat and dog and have done pretty much since the youngest became mobile. Eldest very vocal about never having wanted a sibling and why did we have another baby. There’s a four year age gap. One day last week DH and I had some rare time alone with our eldest and it struck me that she probably would have been much happier as an only child. I just have to hope they grow closer (or more tolerant of each other) as they get older. There’s no guarantees any siblings will entertain each other (I think small age gaps are probably the best bet if that’s your desired outcome).

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

Two children will entertain each other

Our two argue like cat and dog and have done pretty much since the youngest became mobile. Eldest very vocal about never having wanted a sibling and why did we have another baby. There’s a four year age gap. One day last week DH and I had some rare time alone with our eldest and it struck me that she probably would have been much happier as an only child. I just have to hope they grow closer (or more tolerant of each other) as they get older. There’s no guarantees any siblings will entertain each other (I think small age gaps are probably the best bet if that’s your desired outcome).

We have various health challenges between DH and I that mean that although we cope fantastically with one DC (who is a champion sleeper after the first hellish six months and such a good easy kid), we know we would struggle massively to add a second into the mix. There's just no way our existing DC wouldn't suffer as a result of having a second, and that our own mental and physical wellbeing and happiness wouldn't also suffer. It's infuriating the number of people who say DC will be lonely, needs a playmate, that we should have another for him, that of course we'd cope because people do (without having any knowledge of our situation health-wise). It's like people can't imagine that more isn't always merrier when it comes to having children and everyone's personal circumstance is different.

In a family where both parents actively want more and are in a good place to be able to provide for and cope with more, awesome, crack on. But so many people aren't in that situation yet are egged on to continued having children. There's still a huge stigma against solo kids I've found (DH is one of five and I'm one of 2-4 depending on how you slice it and we both really much prefer the idea of having had fewer or no siblings).

There does seem to be a stigma 🙄FIL is already saying ours will be lonely/spoilt/unable to play with other children.

Unlikely, as he’ll be in nursery from ten months due to our jobs and has cousins to play with already. I’m sure he’ll be just fine. I have no idea why there is still such a weird attitude surrounding only children. I have nannied for 12 years and have yet to experience a very close bond between siblings that doesn’t involve one upmanship, squabbles, the odd club round the head with a toy, annoyance at the younger one wrecking their stuff or getting more attention etc. A lot of the time, the children who have a sibling aged 3 or so are just annoyed that it’s a boring baby and no playmate at all!

@birdglasspen

Two children will entertain each other, then he can have more of his "time" to himself? Sorry no advice just an argument you can put to him!

Two children will entertain each other, then he can have more of his "time" to himself?

That's not a given though. Plus, a second baby could have additional needs and need extra care and support, etc. His arguments aren't invalid.