To feel sad that all my friends are having their second babies?

[MakkaPakka84]

I have a DD who has just turned two. In the past month or so, most of my mum friends have announced their second pregnancies.

After discussing the possibility of having a DC2, DH is not on board with the idea, but at the same time he is not closing the door altogether. He values having some downtime and is worried that a second child will eat into the few free moments we currentlyhave. He has also confessed having conflicted feelings towards fatherhood: he loves DD to bits and is amazing with her, but at the same time he feels terribly guilty for not having enjoyed the baby stage as much as he perceived other dads to do.

Honestly I don't know what to do, I have been so sad lately. As an only child myself, I always wanted a sibling for DD and I feel that history is repeating itself. I am 37 and feel that every month that passes takes away the possibility of another baby.

What makes it harder, in a way, is that DH is not 100% sure that he only wants one. He did the same with DD, just putting TTC off for months and months - and now he is saying that "definitely not now, but perhaps later on". I could deal better with a more adamant decision, if that had been his wish for years, I could grieve for a bit and then move on.

I have tried making a list of the positives of having a bigger age gap: less financial pressure for childcare; enjoying my maternity leave more by having a more independent DD; etc. But at the end of the day I am only kidding myself, as perhaps this won't happen at all: even if we did decide to TTC later on, my age would probably get in the way.

Sorry for the ramble, I just had to get it off my chest now that another of my friends announced her second pregnancy. I can't help feeling so, so sad and bitter, and I am finding it hard being around these people at the moment even if I am really happy for them. I know I shouldn't isolate myself, but at the same time I am finding this quite hard to process.

I think it’s totally reasonable of him not to want another child, but it’s not really fair to dither about with “maybe one day, maybe not, who knows where the winds of chance will blow?” when it means so much to you and when you’re worried about having issues conceiving in a few years too.

Fertility MOT is a great idea, OP.
And, if you can afford it - I’d freeze some eggs or embryos.
I think your H doesn’t realise - or doesn’t want to fully understand how female fertility works and how it wanes between your age and only 2-3 years from now.
Freezing embryos can give him an extra few years to decide.

Sometimes I just can't understand how DH's mind works. He has a pathological fear of making decisions.

When I was 34 and we finally got around TTC for the first time, he was making up all kinds of excuses to avoid the fertile window because "let's just go slowly first". Bang, I got pregnant on the first month - I happened to ovulate late as we were on holiday.

Now, he's coming up with all kinds of nonsensical rubbish. His latest gems:

"I am 90% no and 10 % yes"

Once, after using the pull-out method and me asking why he would do such a risky thing if he doesn't want more: "Ah, but that would be my fault, and in that case it'd just be a sign of fate".

DH has many positive sides, but sometimes he deserves a hard slap in the face....

Or is possible that decisions and choices are hard for him. It happens to me as well - not with babies - but with a lot of other choices. It just really stresses me out and almost paralyses me. Can’t help it at times.

And in a way - it seems like he isn’t against it - as much as he doesn’t want to make a choice. Hence his comment about the pull out method.

Since he ie Ok with ‘Fate’ - why not just move to the pull-out method completely for now at least. At least give Fate a bit of a chance....
I know - in some ideal world you want him to be a mature adult and just grow up. But rather than fighting ing that uphill battle - focus on what you actually want - end work with his shortcomings as they are currently known 😂

When he says "Later!" next time you talk about it, tell him this is later; your age doesn't allow time for him to dither!

Can you help him understand it's now or never, really, given that conceiving can take time and age can add complications? How will you feel if he says never? Can you articulate for him how this would impact on your understanding of and feelings for him and your happiness? How would he feel if his "never" led you to end the relationship and he lost daily touch with his DD? Can he articulate for you how this would impact on his life and happiness?

Those are the questions. And for you, would you feel able to put a deadline on it for him, like "Give me a clear yes or no six months from now on the dot so I can make decisions about my life."? Anything rather than drift into the end of your childbearing potential clinging to increasingly shredded hopes that he will change his mind. He would be cruel to inflict that on you and you would be weak to settle for it. You are totally clear about what you want: it is perfectly reasonable to ask for the same clarity from him.

Why is it that men with all the time in the world try to behave as if it's the same for women?

Afterthought: how about telling him if he's 100% sure he doesn't want a second child he needs to seek a vasectomy? That could focus his mind wonderfully.

Honestly he needs an ultimatum.

I loved parts of the baby stage but mostly didn’t. I’m a hardcore sleeper and having three not sleeping through the night was a killer. We had ours close together partly because my body was screamingly bloody but also because it seems sensible to get it ‘over and done with’.

He’s dangling a potential carrot because he doesn’t want to make a decision. Can you do that for him? As in ‘I want another baby you’re indifferent. You don’t want to use contraception. We should try for another baby now before the situation is out of our control, and then you have a second chance to enjoy the baby stage more’.

Make it all on your head and maybe he’ll just accept it. Sometimes it’s hard to make a choice over head or heart.

You’re very welcome, @MakkaPakka84. I really hope this all works out for you

@MakkaPakka84 I am in exactly the same position here, but 2 years younger so I might have a bit more time (just turned 35). Our DD is 2 years old and during the first year of her life I really thought I didn't want a second. I love her like crazy, but parenthood wasn't exactly what I had imagined. DH felt the same. Although we had always wanted 2, we started to entertain the idea of sticking with one child.

Then around 18 months that changed for me, and I really wanted a second child as we originally planned. Our DD became more fun and developed into a great little person. I realised it was just the baby stage I didn't enjoy. I sat with the feeling for 6 months to see if it passed, but I was definitely in the second baby camp. Unfortunately my husband is not, he now leans towards one and done. I have tried hard to join him, even listening to podcasts about only children, reading the forums here on Mumsnet and reading books about the joys of onlies... but it hasn't worked. I still want a second.

This month we discussed trying for a second and DH said he is still 'leaning towards no, but not sure' so I sympathise with comments like '90% no, 10% yes'. I said I am sure I want a second and he needs to make up his mind one way or the other. He is aware that I want to start ASAP to keep a smallish age gap but he can't decide either way. I don't think he is delaying the decision on purpose, he just genuinely can't decide.

My DH struggles with decisions and it seems to always be me initiating big moves like TTC, buying a house or booking a trip. He hates the unknown, and introducing another baby is definitely an unknown. He even commented that he knows what will probably happen, we will have a second. He found this funny, I did not. If that is really what is going to happen, let's just bloody well start TTC.

We have started to talk regularly about what life might be like with a second, but I am trying not to fixate on it. I am using this time as an opportunity to get healthier and prepare for TTC if it does happen. Personally, I have set a Dec 2021 deadline for a decision. It is not a marraige-ending decision for me, but I need time to adjust to the idea of one child if that is how our family will be.

I am sorry I don't have any real advice, just sympathy at this stage. I have found setting a deadline for myself and focusing on health and fitness in the meantime is helping. I just signed up for a marathon in Sep which I hope I have to cancel due to pregnancy to have a goal.

Good luck! Hopefully you can get some closure with a decision either way.

@BabyClicks thanks for sharing your experience. It does seem like your DH knows he will agree to it, he's just buying time. You are doing so well in exercising and keeping yourself healthy, it is a wonderful thing not only in terms of TTC, but also for yourself and your physical and mental health. Good luck with the marathon! I am seriously impressed, used to run half marathons before DD and now anything more than 10k causes leaky accidents of some sort

I have been thinking that the past two years haven't been really on our side. The first one was a bit of a blur, with a baby and all that entails, and then Covid happened. We have gone on two very hurried date nights since DD was born, that's all - not much time to enjoy life and really starting to relax again. I wonder if this is a partial factor that contributes to this reticence from our DHs, it's almost as if our world has turned upside down two years ago and still has to go back to normal again (and they can't see past that).

It is really getting hard being around pregnant friends though

Do you find the same? I am trying so hard to repress these feelings as I am genuinely happy for them ... and it was so much work to make new friends in the first place. But at the same time it is very triggering

It seems everyone I know is pregnant at the moment. It is absolutely crazy!

@MakkaPakka84

It is really getting hard being around pregnant friends though

Do you find the same? I am trying so hard to repress these feelings as I am genuinely happy for them ... and it was so much work to make new friends in the first place. But at the same time it is very triggering

It seems everyone I know is pregnant at the moment. It is absolutely crazy!

I know what you mean. Most of my original mother's group are pregnant again or have already had a second. Babies everywhere!

Maybe we will feel a bit better when they start round two of the baby days, and we lose the rose-tinted hormone-induced glasses? All the sleepless nights, breastfeeding issues, new sibling rivalry... At least that is what I am trying to tell myself!

Hi Op. this sounds like a really tough decision and one I have been in. Before I go on, I'm not suggesting you do what I did and this is not advice. Simply sharing my experience.

I was in your shoes. I had no idea at the time (and not saying it will be the same for you) but my Now ex DH wasn't happy and was on the verge of leaving me whilst 3 of my close friends were announcing their 2nd pregnancies. He was more 'not right now' . I blindly went ahead as I was so desperate to have my 2nd and took every opportunity I could (ovulation sticks etc) for us to have sex not realising he was close to leaving Me. He went along with it possibly out of cowardice and didn't say anything about wanting to end the marriage.
He left me and I found out a week later I was pregnant. Obviously it came as a huge shock. We never got back together but our DS is now 10 and ex H has a brilliant relationship with him.

I don't have any advice to offer but I hope you find a way through it . I have a friend who 'forgot' to take her pill
For a while. She also had her 2nd. They are still happily married ten years on.

It's an incredibly hard situation and I really understand that yearning. . I hope you work things out together.

I'm so sorry OP but all these man babies make me so cross!! Why do they think it's a great idea to delay it and be so afraid of just owning up to their own feelings.
My friend is in a situation with someone just like this, together for years, putting off marriage. Supposed to be started to TTC, delaying it every time we speak! It's infuriating, how can they not know how risky and difficult it can be for a woman!?
I'm so sorry for how you are feeling OP, it's a very difficult situation and I don't have much advice other than pinning down a proper conversation with him and getting some honesty. And the pull out thing is ridiculous! Imagine if you had fallen pregnant after that, not exactly going to be the happy moment that you're looking for!

You need to tell him that his life will be way easier with a small age gap between kids. That way the baby/toddler phase is over with quickly rather than spreading it out. My DH was on the fence about #3 and when we finally went ahead with it we had a 3 year age gap. He always says he wishes we had them closer together bc it's just soo much easier to have the kids at the same stage of life at the same time. Our other two kids are a 17 month age gap which was great. Also you need to tell him it's now or never due to your age and potential fertility issues.

Another thought, when we go on holiday my 3 children all happily play together and have a great time. When our good friends who have 1 child go on holiday they have to spend the entire time entertaining him. He is SO bored and usually begs to come on trips with us so he has his buddies to play with. Just so your DH realises what his future is going to look like AKA being the one who will always have to entertain your little one.

It's very hard. I would have loved a second but DH was 44 when DD9 was born and had 2 teens already. It just didn't feel right to push him to be a father again, although looking back it would have been fine. Ive no idea where his energy comes from.

Unfortunately, if you DH isn't sure, he isn't sure. If you've explained your reasons clearly and he still isn't sure, you do have other, although difficult and harder choices.

If he said no, how would you feel?

@MaryMow22, do you suppose all only children are like this? I’m sure there are plenty of (in fact I know for a fact) children who done require total entertainment from their parents at all times. That’s largely down to their style of parenting and not having taught the boy to be able to play independently.

I wanted DD1 to be an only child until her third birthday. It was only then I felt ready for a second (I could see how she would become independent etc.).

There’s a little less than 4 years between DD1 and 2 and they get on brilliantly.

I had secondary fertility issues and couldn't conceive a second. It took me a long time to come to terms with having 1 child. Now she's a teenager and I can see my future I'm happy with it, I can start to make plans as an adult without small dc to worry about and I'm looking forward to it. But there was a time, especially when my friends were all having their second child, that I really struggled.

You are in the worst stage op, you will feel better but my infertility wasn't due to my dh dragging his heels so I'm not sure how I'd have come to terms with it if I felt it was partly down to his actions.

You never know what will happen in life and if you do want another kid then I'm not sure how smart it is to wait and see what fate brings.
I got pregnant first time every time, for which I'm blessed however for the two living children we have, we also had a miscarriage and a stillbirth so, nothing is ever simple.
He needs to see the bigger picture about what waiting for fate may entail and it may not, sadly, be so easy to just have that second child when he happens to want it .

I feel for you. H was the same. He finally conceded but it was too late for me and after a stressful few years of trying and investigations I never was able to get pregnant again. Theoretically I had reasonable ovarian reserve but it was classed as unexplained infertility.

It took its toll - his vacillation made me feel as though he didn’t care about my feelings. I left H and we are now divorced. I am happy now but in hindsight I wish I’d given him an ultimatum and left him earlier. With a time limited decision like this your husband really needs to shit or get off the pot.

“Another thought, when we go on holiday my 3 children all happily play together and have a great time. When our good friends who have 1 child go on holiday they have to spend the entire time entertaining him. He is SO bored and usually begs to come on trips with us so he has his buddies to play with. Just so your DH realises what his future is going to look like AKA being the one who will always have to entertain your little one.”

Not RTFT but this with bells on. Our two argue a lot but they also entertain each other and keep each other company. Our friends who have only children tend to have to find a friend to take on holiday with them so their child has company. Your DH is focussed on the downsides of having two but there are upsides also. Also parenting generally becomes a lot easier as children get older.

@ElephantsNest sorry to hear about your similar experience and break-up. I am resentful not because DH is saying he doesn't want another, I am resentful because of his back and forth. I know this sounds crazy, but we even discussed and agreed on names months ago for a hypothetical second. He even discussed bed set-up once if another one arrives. And then he chickens out like this and says he was never really sure. Way to play with someone's feelings like that!

“With a time limited decision like this your husband really needs to shit or get off the pot.”

This too. 10 years from now, he could leave you and have more children with a younger woman whereas your chance for more children will likely cease long before then.

Thank you. I was unlucky with the unexplained infertility and hopefully that won't happen to you. I recognise the back and forth where it seems as though the conversation is going around in circles and it can have a corrosive effect on your relationship. Might the two of you access some counselling together? A third independent person who can listen without judgement and ask some well placed questions may be able to move things towards a resolution before too much resentment builds up.