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Original poster

To feel sad that all my friends are having their second babies?

75 replies

MakkaPakka84 · 25/04/2021 15:04

I have a DD who has just turned two. In the past month or so, most of my mum friends have announced their second pregnancies.

After discussing the possibility of having a DC2, DH is not on board with the idea, but at the same time he is not closing the door altogether. He values having some downtime and is worried that a second child will eat into the few free moments we currentlyhave. He has also confessed having conflicted feelings towards fatherhood: he loves DD to bits and is amazing with her, but at the same time he feels terribly guilty for not having enjoyed the baby stage as much as he perceived other dads to do.

Honestly I don't know what to do, I have been so sad lately. As an only child myself, I always wanted a sibling for DD and I feel that history is repeating itself. I am 37 and feel that every month that passes takes away the possibility of another baby.

What makes it harder, in a way, is that DH is not 100% sure that he only wants one. He did the same with DD, just putting TTC off for months and months - and now he is saying that "definitely not now, but perhaps later on". I could deal better with a more adamant decision, if that had been his wish for years, I could grieve for a bit and then move on.

I have tried making a list of the positives of having a bigger age gap: less financial pressure for childcare; enjoying my maternity leave more by having a more independent DD; etc. But at the end of the day I am only kidding myself, as perhaps this won't happen at all: even if we did decide to TTC later on, my age would probably get in the way.

Sorry for the ramble, I just had to get it off my chest now that another of my friends announced her second pregnancy. I can't help feeling so, so sad and bitter, and I am finding it hard being around these people at the moment even if I am really happy for them. I know I shouldn't isolate myself, but at the same time I am finding this quite hard to process.

OP posts:
Iwantcauliflowercheese · 26/04/2021 12:17

As an only child, I had no confidence, was very shy and the effects have lasted all my life. I never learnt rough and tumble, arguing or sharing with another child. OP, you should be really upfront with DH. You don't know if you can easily conceive. Tell him that it's something you want and it's non negotiable. If he's not prepared to listen, bearing in mind time is running out, then I'd query your relationship with him.

LimeCoconut · 26/04/2021 12:19

@Iwantcauliflowercheese

As an only child, I had no confidence, was very shy and the effects have lasted all my life. I never learnt rough and tumble, arguing or sharing with another child. OP, you should be really upfront with DH. You don't know if you can easily conceive. Tell him that it's something you want and it's non negotiable. If he's not prepared to listen, bearing in mind time is running out, then I'd query your relationship with him.
Just to be clear, you mean threaten him that if he doesn't have a second child he doesn't want OP will leave him?
SmidgenofaPigeon · 26/04/2021 12:20

@Iwantcauliflowercheese

Sorry, but you are projecting MASSIVELY here.

AlohaMolly · 26/04/2021 12:21

I feel for youOP, I’ve read your post and am having a cry to myself sitting at my allotment because, although I’m younger at 33, and DS is 5 soon, my DP is a hard no on a second and I can’t move past it. I’m in counselling but I cry most days and I’m finding it really difficult to look at my DP with anything other than resentment. I don’t have any words of wisdom because I’m just devastated, I just wanted you to know you aren’t the only one.

grapewine · 26/04/2021 12:21

Just to be clear, you mean threaten him that if he doesn't have a second child he doesn't want OP will leave him?

Yeah, that'll work really well for a happy home...

AlohaMolly · 26/04/2021 12:24

@LimeCoconut when you put it like that, it sounds awful and I don’t agree with how the person you quoted phrased it... but I desperately want a sibling for DS and another baby and DP doesn’t. I’m not sure that it isn’t a deal breaker for me, because of how I view the value of a sibling and the impact that not having one will have on my DS’ life. I feel strongly that DP is actively denying my son a better life than he has (that’s purely my view for my son and my life, I know other people are happy with only children etc) and I can’t look at him the same anymore - so I am leaning towards leaving.

mummabubs · 26/04/2021 12:24

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, it's a really hard one. I'm a bit younger (early-ish thirties) but had a very similar experience with my DH. I always knew I wanted 2 children with a small-ish gap and was open with DH about this, he'd always said he felt the same. Like your DH mine didn't find the newborn stage (or even first 3 years) very rewarding or engaging and he struggled to be involved with it all. When our DS was 2 and it still hadn't come up I brought up the topic of trying for a second child, only to be utterly surprised by DH announcing that he'd decided he didn't think he wanted another one (so also like yours in that he was effectively saying not now but offering no certainty of whether that was a permanent decision). I won't lie, it was a year of real difficulty in our marriage as I was incredibly hurt and upset by his change of position whilst also knowing that he was within his rights to change his mind. Over the next year he gave multiple reasons as to why he wasn't sure he wanted to have another... valuing sleep that we'd only recently got back, not enjoying babies and not wanting to have to go back to that stage, worries about something going wrong in pregancy for either me or baby (at one stage he commented about how my body had changed as a result of pregnancy/childbirth in ways that he didn't find attractive and was worried having another would only make things worse... I've never fully forgiven him for that one and he knows it!) After a year with me being constantly miserable he said he'd decided he was happy/willing to try for another child and I am due to give birth shortly. I think part of what helped shift things for him was me reflecting that I also valued having down time, and sleep. I'd also found pregnancy really hard (sick the entire way through and other health issues) and was scared of how intense the first couple of years are... but I also knew that no amount of time would remove those fears for me and looking at the long term picture I just couldn't imagine not having tried to give DS a sibling. I think sometimes guys find it difficult to see beyond the short term baby stage? I'm happy and grateful to be having a second child when I spent a long time thinking this wouldn't happen but I also have some anxiety around how DH will cope with it and the impact that the whole topic has had on our relationship.

Yamashita40 · 26/04/2021 12:31

I know exactly how you feel. I was surprised to fall pregnant relatively easily with our first after a year of TTC. I had a horrific birth and they discovered I actually only had half a womb and half my reproductive organs. I knew the first had been a fluke so put off having a second, tried to put it out of my mind.

The feeling was just too strong when he turned three and of course we went through four years of hell, IVF, financial difficulty paying for it, mh issues brought on by infertility. I did try counseling so I could bring myself round to being happy with one but the ache never left me til I got my tiny scrap of a second son in my arms.

I had distanced myself from friends having their second and third children. They did let me back when I had my second child. I felt I could finally mix with them again. I did explain how painful it had been for me.

No easy answers for you I'm afraid.

Stressedtoddlermum · 26/04/2021 12:37

DH was the same. Only wanted one (being happily an only himself). He wouldn’t really discus it until DD turned 2. He realised that it’s something I wanted and that I would be unhappy so he went ahead. We didn’t want a huge age gap as I made sure there was a discussion and that he needed to make up his mind. I couldn’t deal with not knowing whether he was going to say yes!

One month of TTC and it’s twins.. he did really freak out massively. Our life is going to change and we know it’s going to be very hard. DD is so excited though and I know we’ve made the right decision.

I would be asking him for a decision and giving him a deadline for a talk- whatever it is you need to come to terms with it. I am 29 so age wasn’t a factor for me but even then I couldn’t deal with not knowing our plans for the future.

BridgetJonesDaiquiri · 26/04/2021 12:38

Two children is just so different to one. We have a just turned 4 year old and a 19 month old and the days home with them are intense - I love them with every fibre of my being, but they do drive me crackers sometimes and they are constantly on the go. Maybe they'll start to play nicely together in the next year or so but at the moment it's just refereeing. If your husband is hoping for more free time and more couple time in the near future, you won't be getting that with two (or more) kids for quite a few years. I wanted two kids, but it is tough I won't lie, although lockdown probably has not helped the stress levels. Also not helped by DH and I working in stressful jobs and the 19 month old still not sleeping through the night consistently (4am wake up for 2 hours last night for instance - joy).

I think it's perfectly fair for your DH to say, you know what, one kid is fairly intense as it is, she's enough for me and I'm not sure I really want another. What's not fair is leaving you in limbo. He needs to decide one way or the other.

LimeCoconut · 26/04/2021 12:40

[quote AlohaMolly]@LimeCoconut when you put it like that, it sounds awful and I don’t agree with how the person you quoted phrased it... but I desperately want a sibling for DS and another baby and DP doesn’t. I’m not sure that it isn’t a deal breaker for me, because of how I view the value of a sibling and the impact that not having one will have on my DS’ life. I feel strongly that DP is actively denying my son a better life than he has (that’s purely my view for my son and my life, I know other people are happy with only children etc) and I can’t look at him the same anymore - so I am leaning towards leaving.[/quote]
I'm sorry

greendress789 · 26/04/2021 12:41

@Yamashita40

I know exactly how you feel. I was surprised to fall pregnant relatively easily with our first after a year of TTC. I had a horrific birth and they discovered I actually only had half a womb and half my reproductive organs. I knew the first had been a fluke so put off having a second, tried to put it out of my mind.

The feeling was just too strong when he turned three and of course we went through four years of hell, IVF, financial difficulty paying for it, mh issues brought on by infertility. I did try counseling so I could bring myself round to being happy with one but the ache never left me til I got my tiny scrap of a second son in my arms.

I had distanced myself from friends having their second and third children. They did let me back when I had my second child. I felt I could finally mix with them again. I did explain how painful it had been for me.

No easy answers for you I'm afraid.

I'm in a similar situation to what we're except I had to have IVF for my 1st DC.

Started TTC 2 when he was 2. Still trying nearly 5 years later with 5 failed IVF cycles. Can't stop though until I get what I want 😢

LimeCoconut · 26/04/2021 12:44

"What's not fair is leaving you in limbo. He needs to decide one way or the other."

I wonder @BridgetJonesDaiquiri if maybe OP's husband does know he doesn't want another, but is kicking the can down the road because he doesn't want to tell her that outright and risk losing her. Much easier to say 'not sure'. But as I mentioned in one of my posts above, him saying to his 37yr old wife 'I'm not sure if or when, maybe someday' is effectively him saying no. If he was in a position to be actively wanting a child with OP he knows she only has a few years of fertility left and a few years away is pretty close by. I believe he would know if he did want another.

BridgetJonesDaiquiri · 26/04/2021 13:36

@LimeCoconut yes I agree with you. Unless he's a wholly indecisive person, I would read it as him saying no, but not wanting to say no for fear of the fallout. But it's not fair and he should be pressed to commit either way. And of course he might change his mind down the line (though really I imagine that would be for a peaceful life and not wanting to risk losing his family rather than a desire to have another child).

I've seen friends' marriages fall apart over the same thing -- where the DH strung the wife along with "maybes" until it was crunch time (including one pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and the "D"Hs reaction/relief really brought home his feelings and sadly drove a chasm between husband and wife).

Sorry OP is a rubbish situation to be in and you have my total sympathies

Original poster
MakkaPakka84 · 26/04/2021 14:11

@Iwantcauliflowercheese I hear you. I was an only child and I am convinced that my wobbly social skills are at least in part due to upbringing. I did go to school and had cousins, but it's different when you have to learn to negotiate with a sibling, assert your authority, learn to compromise etc. I wish I had learnt more of those soft skills at an early age; instead, I found myself surrounded by grown-ups who treated me like a grown-up. Perhaps it's projection, who knows, but I sometimes feel exactly like you when I get sad about not giving DD a sibling.

@AlohaMolly, @mummabubs, @Yamashita40' @LimeCoconut, @Stressedtoddlermum: thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I feel so much better having got this off my chest and, after reading your posts, acknowledging that others are in similar situations. It's not easy at all - on a rational level I do understand the pros and cons, but there is a physical, almost visceral longing which DH will in all likelihood never understand.

OP posts:
Spiderplantwidow · 26/04/2021 14:15

hear you. I was an only child and I am convinced that my wobbly social skills are at least in part due to upbringing. I did go to school and had cousins, but it's different when you have to learn to negotiate with a sibling, assert your authority, learn to compromise etc

I'm pretty shit at all those things and I'm one of four.

4amWitchingHour · 26/04/2021 14:19

His reasons seem to be he wants to hold on to a bit of free time, and he doesn't like her baby stage.

Is that it?? Does he not realise that will go past in the blink of an eye? He has to think about the bigger picture here.

From the info you've put in your posts I think he's being unbelievably selfish and short sighted.

AlohaMolly · 26/04/2021 14:23

I agree with whoever said that men seem to struggle with the long term. DP adores every part of DS but his reason for not wanting another is he ‘can’t be bothered with the hassle.’ Whereas I think with a sibling, DS (not for definite, obviously) has an ally for life, someone to share funeral costs, care home costs for us, memories with once we are gone etc.

LimeCoconut · 26/04/2021 14:26

@4amWitchingHour

His reasons seem to be he wants to hold on to a bit of free time, and he doesn't like her baby stage.

Is that it?? Does he not realise that will go past in the blink of an eye? He has to think about the bigger picture here.

From the info you've put in your posts I think he's being unbelievably selfish and short sighted.

It doesn’t always go by in the blink of an eye for everyone. Especially if they find it difficult, or hate it, or you have a poor sleeper, or have a child with significant disabilities, or you’re financially stretched and have to work every hour under the sun.

Not to mention that while one person may be able to easily handle little personal time, to another it can have a catastrophic effect on their mental and physical health.

Your situation isn’t everyone’s situation, he has every right to not want or be ready for another child.

Yamashita40 · 26/04/2021 14:34

greendress789 I really hope you get there and get the baby you crave. I hope you're getting plenty of support.

greendress789 · 26/04/2021 14:36

@Yamashita40

greendress789 I really hope you get there and get the baby you crave. I hope you're getting plenty of support.
Thank you 💐
ChairmansReserve · 26/04/2021 14:43

I'm the eldest of three siblings and one of my most fervent, though impossible, wishes, is that my parents had stopped after me. My siblings are the most consistently negative aspect of my entire life and have caused me untold misery and pain.

Just wanted to balance the idea that it's always great to have siblings.

SVRT19674 · 26/04/2021 14:43

My brother and I have always been close and good friends as kids, we are 3 years and two months apart. On the other hand two boyfriends I had both hated their respective brothers with a vengeance. They never got on. My child will be an only child. I think as you didn´t have siblings you have romanticized the concept. What I don´t think is fair is your husband messing you around. And this is a very intense and primal subject, so he had better come clean about what he wants or he could kill any love you have for him.

Original poster
MakkaPakka84 · 26/04/2021 15:29

@greendress789 so sorry for all you have been going through. I have been educating myself about IVF through friends and it is a really heavy process. Sending you strength and hugs Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
MakkaPakka84 · 27/04/2021 12:48

@Crumble012 I just wanted to thank you so much for your suggestion to go for a fertility MOT. I didn't even know fertility MOTs were a thing! I have been reading about them and they have some limitations, but it is an excellent way of bringing some real science facts to the table.

If there is a decision to be made, it needs to be an informed one. Thank you!

OP posts: