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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I really resent my husband but want to try not to

70 replies

Hermione457 · 24/04/2021 20:19

Hi, I'm new to the group but not sure where to turn for advice or what to do at the moment.
A few years back my husband cheated on me with a family friend. We decided to work through things as we have 2 children. He since cheated on me again with a woman he met on a night out. She did not live in the area so he blocked all contact and agreed not to see her. He suffers with depression and I helped him through this. He gets very angry sometimes and I'm afraid to put my opinions forward because of how he may react. We both work full time but I do the vast vast majority of childcare and housework.
From his point of view he says that he wants more affection and intimacy as that's important to him.
I find myself really resentful of him at the moment. I was wondering if anyone else had been through similar and worked things out?

OP posts:

user113424742258631134 · 24/04/2021 20:23

He's abusing you. The only response to that is exiting the relationship. There is nothing that can be "worked out".

For the sake of your children, leave him.

Cocolapew · 24/04/2021 20:25

Depression my arse, kick him out and be happy.

flatsurfandmil · 24/04/2021 20:25

Why do you want to work things out? He cheats, and is horrible to you. Yes depression is a hard illness to have, but it's not an excuse to be awful.

What is in this relationship for you now? Why do you want to stay together?

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 24/04/2021 20:26

Why do you want to work things out? Genuine question. What are you getting from this relationship? He cheats on you, gets so angry that you are afraid of him, doesn't take care of his children and doesn't do anything around the house. Why would you want to work things out? Wouldn't you be better off on your own?

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2021 20:26

Why do you keep wanting to stay?

Lollypop701 · 24/04/2021 20:27

He cheats on you, blames his mental health, is lazy and asks for more intimacy.... no wonder you are resentful. Op what are the good things about him?

LolaSmiles · 24/04/2021 20:29

He isn't entitled to intimacy. If he genuinely feels remorse and wants to rebuild your relationship then he wouldn't have slept around following the affair and he would accept he has to work his socks off to make it work.

Nice men who have made bad mistakes don't repeat the mistake and they don't behave in a way that has their wife on eggshells in fear of an angry outburst. His use of depression is a way of trying to guilt trip you into staying and excusing his behaviour.

What are you getting from this relationship?

Wanderlusto · 24/04/2021 20:29

I'd feel resentful too at the idea of having to show more affection to a nasty dickhead. Let alone a nasty, lazy, cheating dickhead.

Have you asked yourself why you are giving him yet another chance after he snagged your friend and then some random lass?

Surely the second betrayal should have been the end. Its certainly is not beneficial for children to witness their mother being used and abused and just taking it.

Wpuld you like your daughters to grow up thinking this shit is normal and men can treat then like this and they just have to take it? Or your sons thinking it's a womans job to do everything for a man no matter how shit he treats her?

If you wont leave for you, please consider leaving for them.

Original poster

Hermione457 · 24/04/2021 20:29

We've been together for such a long time, almost 20 years and I'm afraid of upsetting the children and their stability. Me, the kids and the dog have a routine when it's the 3 of us. I play a big part on his family too and I love my in laws. The family don't know he cheated on me as I dealt with it on my own

OP posts:

BrilliantBetty · 24/04/2021 20:33

Of course you're resentful.

Easiest LTB ever. Why are you wasting your life.

tenlittlecygnets · 24/04/2021 20:48

Why stay? He's been unfaithful twice and he's shitty to you. He should be bending over backwards to apologise and make sure you're happy. He just sounds horrible. I'd tell his parents that he was unfaithful, tell them you're leaving him. I bet they will be sympathetic to you.

m0therofdragons · 24/04/2021 20:49

Oh wow. What would you advise your dc when they’re adults if a partner treated them like this. He’s depressed but not enough to not have 2 affairs and make you do everything. He’ll cheat again because why wouldn’t he, you’ll accept and pretend everything is okay. Have higher standards. What has he genuinely done to make things right? Going No contact with the ow is the bare minimum!

tenlittlecygnets · 24/04/2021 20:49

Depression does not make you cheat.

He does not get to tell you he needs affection to make him feel better. He needs to realise how hurt you were by his cheating, and he needs make amends.

What would make you happy, op?

username12345T · 24/04/2021 20:54

He's a total cunt OP. He's worn you down so you have low esteem because no one who did would put up with this shit. These two women are probably only the tip of the iceberg as far as cheating goes because he obviously has a strong sense of arrogance and entitlement to have his needs met.

If he wanted to keep his marriage together because he has children, then he shouldn't have cheated. This is all on him. OP, what are you getting out of this relationship apart from bad mental health? He's got depression? Hasn't stopped him sticking his penis in other women and bullying you, has it?

You're walking on eggshells around this entitled prick. He's treating you like a skivvy.

Onthemaintrunkline · 24/04/2021 20:54

Depressed my backside, he’s a dishonest disrespectful lazy creep.

And as long as you continue as you are, he’ll continue as he is, you know the old saying, nothing changes if nothing changes.

ItsNotLoveActually · 24/04/2021 20:58

He's cheated twice and doesn't pull his weight at home yet demands more sex. Now he's suffering from depression. Has he said why?
I'm surprised you're not tbh.

Original poster

Hermione457 · 24/04/2021 20:59

I think that he thinks I'll always be there to help and do everything. My nature is kind and caring and I hate conflict. Writing this I know it makes me sound like a complete mug and an idiot but I guess I'm just hoping for some kind of miracle. I would like him to be more of a family man without me having to ask for help with it all. He has plenty of time to himself for his social activities as he says this helps him to deal with his mental health. I keep this all myself but am now at a loss. My daughter is feisty, she would never let anyone walk all over her and I'm so proud. My son is kind and caring and I'm teaching him to help in the house.
Even now, my husband keeps his phone to himself and I can not trust him. I feel so stupid but don't know what to do

OP posts:

Aprilshowersandhail · 24/04/2021 21:01

You see a fresh start. He sees green light to shag about...
Sorry op but only you can stop the cycle..
You aren't his therapist. And in his eyes you aren't a dw either... Mug maybe but not an equal.

Original poster

Hermione457 · 24/04/2021 21:02

The depression stemmed from not being able to bond with our second child

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 24/04/2021 21:03

Leave.
Really.
Why would you stay?

He sounds awful: cheats, doesn’t pull his weight and demands you increase intimacy when there are a million and one good reasons why you’d be repulsed by the thought.

I’m going to hazard a guess he has a “big job” and you’re a SAHM. So it feels like a massive plug to pull. But honestly if you do it you’ll be so much happier.

username12345T · 24/04/2021 21:04

@Hermione457

I think that he thinks I'll always be there to help and do everything. My nature is kind and caring and I hate conflict. Writing this I know it makes me sound like a complete mug and an idiot but I guess I'm just hoping for some kind of miracle. I would like him to be more of a family man without me having to ask for help with it all. He has plenty of time to himself for his social activities as he says this helps him to deal with his mental health. I keep this all myself but am now at a loss. My daughter is feisty, she would never let anyone walk all over her and I'm so proud. My son is kind and caring and I'm teaching him to help in the house. Even now, my husband keeps his phone to himself and I can not trust him. I feel so stupid but don't know what to do

There's a word for someone kind and caring who hates conflict - doormat.

OP he is a manipulative piece of crap - more time for social activities helps his mental health! This has to be a wind up.

OP you need to reinsert your spine and start standing up for yourself. You're not being nice and kind, you're being completely spineless. He is walking all over you. He doesn't have depression, he has arrogant, male entitlement to do whatever he wants when he wants.

He has you wound around his little finger, feeding you crap about depression so he doesn't have to lift a finger.

BlueDahlia69 · 24/04/2021 21:06

@Cocolapew

Depression my arse, kick him out and be happy.

yip 🎉

BlueDahlia69 · 24/04/2021 21:07

@Hermione457

The depression stemmed from not being able to bond with our second child

did he feel trapped perhaps ?

OP with the best will in the world you will not change this mans behaviour.. it is screaming he wants out.

You my lovely deserve BETTER. 🌸

Original poster

Hermione457 · 24/04/2021 21:14

Our second child was the son he always wanted. We both wanted 2 children but I guess he found it harder to deal with having 2 little ones. The kids are aged 10 and 12 now so they are older. I have just as good a job as he does. In all other aspects of my life I am very strong but here I just feel so weak. Does anyone have any advice for me how to assert myself in this situation?

OP posts:

BlueDahlia69 · 24/04/2021 21:17

He sounds utterly intolerable OP, a sorry excuse for everything, but his woeful excuses for not bonding with a much wanted son.. is pitiful.

OP you know your kids and you deserve better lady 🌸

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