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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I really resent my husband but want to try not to

70 replies

Hermione457 · 24/04/2021 20:19

Hi, I'm new to the group but not sure where to turn for advice or what to do at the moment.
A few years back my husband cheated on me with a family friend. We decided to work through things as we have 2 children. He since cheated on me again with a woman he met on a night out. She did not live in the area so he blocked all contact and agreed not to see her. He suffers with depression and I helped him through this. He gets very angry sometimes and I'm afraid to put my opinions forward because of how he may react. We both work full time but I do the vast vast majority of childcare and housework.
From his point of view he says that he wants more affection and intimacy as that's important to him.
I find myself really resentful of him at the moment. I was wondering if anyone else had been through similar and worked things out?

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 25/04/2021 12:51

I think it's more probable that you have depression. You have internalised all the sadness and anger which he caused and kept his dirty secrets away from everyone.
You really deserve better and it's completely understandable that you resent him.

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2021 12:54

I’m not surprised you’re resentful. He’s a lying cheat with anger issues.
Why on earth would you want to be intimate with that??
I’ve had depression and it doesn’t make you cheat. That’s for sure. Was he ever diagnosed or was it just what he said?

ivfbeenbusy · 25/04/2021 12:55

I'd assert yourself by leaving him.

Depression isn't an excuse for his dick finding its way into another woman 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Hermione457 · 25/04/2021 12:58

The depression was diagnosed and he had medication, but that made things 10 times worse and did not help at all. His moods were terrible then. He wanted to end his life and that's why I guess I feel guilty sometimes as I don't want to cause anything like that and affect the kids and family by a tragedy. I am so so thankful for these comments, they have helped me already in the way I need to start thinking about things. As someone mentioned I am going to digest what advice has been offered and most certainly toughen up

OP posts:

Miasicarisatia · 25/04/2021 13:00

My nature is kind and caring and I hate conflict
This makes you an open goal and he is taking full advantage of that

LannieDuck · 25/04/2021 13:04

What's his reasoning for why he shouldn't be doing half of the chores and childcare?

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2021 13:06

You aren’t responsible for his MH.

DoingItMyself · 25/04/2021 13:10

When you say 'toughen up', I hope you aren't thinking of staying in the relationship. Not that it is for anyone else to tell you what to do, of course, but from what you've said, you really won't be tough enough until you get that creep out of your life.

Georgina125 · 25/04/2021 13:14

In some cases (abusive people), a diagnosis of depression becomes a "get out of jail free" card. My father, for instance, will be generally aggressive, argumentative and nasty whenever he feels like it, then turn around and say "well, it's because of my illness, so I can't help it". It sounds like your DH uses his diagnosis to excuse his bad behaviour too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/04/2021 13:23

@Georgina125

This.

I have bipolar. I am really well medicated and stable now, so don't have flare ups.

If I did and behaved in a way that harmed, upset or risked other people's health and happiness then I can't imagine being so selfish as to expect them to stay with me and tolerate abuse and hurt just because I have a mental health issue.

One person's mental health doesn't trump someone else's. It definitely doesn't trump someone else's and their two shared children.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 25/04/2021 13:48

You are not responsible for making him happy or 'fixing him. Certainly not at the expense of your children.

pointythings · 25/04/2021 13:58

@Hermione457

So did he try more than one type of medication? Did he try talking therapies?

And aside from all that, depression is not an excuse for cheating.

wardribe · 25/04/2021 14:11

Now I'm no expert on depression, but he's hardly been in bed too depressed to move in fact from what you say the opposite is true! He's been moving in two too many beds! I think you probably know what you have to do!

Cockenspiel · 25/04/2021 14:24

You are not a rehabilitation centre for this absolutely vile, selfish, abusive twat.

The only solution is to leave. Nothing else.

Sakurami · 25/04/2021 14:29

Leave the lying manipulative cheat

Blacktothepink · 25/04/2021 14:41

Ltb!

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2021 14:43

You are not a rehab centre. So shallow and self centred of him to think he can cheat more than once and then blame you for being distant, you’re not really even a person to him are you? Please go be happy, there are so many people out there you can shower caring on and you’re wasting it on this man.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 25/04/2021 15:05

Your kind caring nature is being taken for a pushover.

If he harms himself or threatens to do so he is responsible for it not you op.

Your life would be so less stressful if you did t have to stay inwards because of a man child spoilt brat of a husband.

In your last post you asked for advice.

You e been given plenty and the majority say the same thing.

If it was your sister or friend or even daughter in the situation what would you tel them?

I can guarantee it would be to leave and love your life.

Your children won't suffer from a different life but they'll grow up seeing you as a pushover and could well continue that on into their own adult lives.

Harsh I know but I think you need to start getting harsh and handing upto him op.

Tell him your resenting him for his behaviour and selfish attitude towards you and how dare he use your personality as an excuse to get away with it.

I don't know about resent him I think I'd want to obliterate my dh if he was like it

PhillipPhillop · 25/04/2021 15:27

Children don't just learn by theory they learn by experience as well. Both your children see a woman doing everything for a man with little respect in return. They see a woman working 24/7 for the family and a man doing whatever he likes. They are definitely not seeing a loving relationship. I'm sure you would not like your son to treat his wife as you are treated but his parents will be his main point of reference. Likewise your daughter, she might get lucky but could also think this dynamic is the ' norm'.
As others have said you are not responsible for his well-being, just think of yourself for once.

BrilliantBetty · 25/04/2021 20:49

He wanted to end his life and that's why I guess I feel guilty sometimes as I don't want to cause anything like that and affect the kids and family by a tragedy.

You can't think like this.
If he harmed himself, he would be responsible and no-one else. He knows he is mentally unwell and can access GP for support. You don't have a responsibility to stay with someone because they are depressed / anxious/ suicidal.

Your life is important too.

Btw he sounds like a manipulative sod.

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