Page 2 | I really resent my husband but want to try not to

Hermione457 · 2021-04-24T19:19:37+00:00

Hi, I'm new to the group but not sure where to turn for advice or what to do at the moment. A few years back my husband cheated on me with a family friend. We decided to work through things as we have 2 children. He since cheated on me again with a woman he met on a night out. She did not live in the area so he blocked all contact and agreed not to see her. He suffers with depression and I helped him through this. He gets very angry sometimes and I'm afraid to put my opinions forward because of how he may react. We both work full time but I do the vast vast majority of childcare and housework. From his point of view he says that he wants more affection and intimacy as that's important to him. I find myself really resentful of him at the moment. I was wondering if anyone else had been through similar and worked things out?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2021 21:20

My daughter is feisty, she would never let anyone walk all over her and I'm so proud. My son is kind and caring and I'm teaching him to help in the house.

I'm afraid that being 'feisty' as a 12 year old doesn't undo the damage of growing up in a household with parents who have a toxic relationship that is unhealthy and unhappy. I don't say that to be nasty to you, I say it as a reality check. His behaviour and his lack of prioritising the family unit has impacted everyone, not least of all you. But also the kids.

As an example, you say you're teaching your son to 'help in the house' but you're showing him through your actions that the following is a normal, healthy and acceptable relationship dynamic:

We both work full time but I do the vast vast majority of childcare and housework.

You can tell a boy that everything should be shared an equal, but if they grow up in a house where both parents work yet the mother is still seen as responsible for the "vast vast majority" of anything child / home related, that boy learns that cleaning and kids are women's work...

Please don't be blind to how damaging this is.

pointythings · 24/04/2021 21:22

He's cheated twice. He will cheat again. He will blame you for everything and he will never take responsibility for himself.

You've clearly managed to raise great kids, and you've probably done it mostly by yourself. Get yourself and them the hell away from this loser you are married to and live the life you deserve.

username12345T · 24/04/2021 21:23

OP it's understandstable that you are afraid of making changes, we all are. Do you have money for therapy? I would get some good therapy and work on myself before doing anything else. There's a reason you've remained in this situation and there's a reason you find it hard to assert yourself and it might help to talk about that with someone.

I'd also speak to a Family Law solicitor and find out where I stood in the event of divorce. Don't panic, it doesn't mean you are going to divorce but it will help to alleviate your fear of the unknown.

As far as asserting yourself. If he's depressed then tell him to speak to his GP and get some medication or therapy. Say that being more involved in the housework and children will help take his mind off things and that he needs to be more involved in family life. You're saying that he's effectively been depressed for a decade, as your youngest is 10. So he's done nothing to help himself apart from shag about and spend a lot of time on his social life.

Tell him that you want things to change and you get equal leisure time for your own mental health. You both work full time so divide up the chores equally.

OP I guarantee he'll go ape when you start to assert himself as he's a sexist, entitled prick. He's a bully and he'll get worse if you dare speak up for yourself, that's why you need support such as counselling. He's got you exactly where he wants you after grinding you down over the years so expect him to push back.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/04/2021 21:30

Bloody hell OP

I'm sure some people have successfully got over cheating in a relationship.

But this guy-
Has cheated on you twice
Seems to be blaming his depression
Doesnt seem sorry (from what you've said)
Is angry with you
Pesters you for sex
Leaves his share of chores for you
Doesnt do his share with the kids
Causes you to walk on eggshells because you're scared of his mood

And yet you're wondering what you can do to be more accepting of him??

You need to leave OP

GeorgiaGirl52 · 24/04/2021 21:34

@Hermione457

Our second child was the son he always wanted. We both wanted 2 children but I guess he found it harder to deal with having 2 little ones. The kids are aged 10 and 12 now so they are older. I have just as good a job as he does. In all other aspects of my life I am very strong but here I just feel so weak. Does anyone have any advice for me how to assert myself in this situation?

Here is my advice:

Stop using your children as an excuse to stay. You have a family of three -- he does not factor, in fact he is a pitiful poor example of what a husband/father should be. Show some strength. Be a good mother and give them a good example of a strong and caring parent.
Plenty of people are depressed but are not driven to adultery. He has repudiated his marriage vows but expects you to be a doormat.

Don't be a doormat. Be a flying carpet.

You have a job and money of your own. See a solicitor and start legal processes.
Your in-laws will always be your children's grandparents. You can continue a good relationship with them, unless they side with their cheating and lazy son. Fondness for in-laws is no excuse for staying in a toxic marriage.

Aprilshowersandhail · 24/04/2021 21:36

Maybe having a ds made him concerned he would be like him. In a negative way given how he has behaved...

Phrowzunn · 24/04/2021 21:39

If your daughter is feisty and wouldn’t let a man do to her what her dad does to you.. and that makes you feel proud of her.. imagine how proud she would feel of you if (maybe when she’s a bit older) she learns that her dad was a cheating scumbag and you had the strength to kick him to the kerb. What a good example for her, and your son too. I agree with poster that your son will be more influenced by what he sees than what you try and teach him. If you won’t leave for your own sake OP (which you absolutely should) - think of your kids!

citygirl200 · 24/04/2021 21:43

I’m in the same situation. I get used and abused. Infact he was another woman whilst dating me and into yr5 of our marriage.

He is controlling and manipulative.

I’m weak and scared

He threatens that I won’t have any money and he’ll fight me for our child

He hit many years ago and if on the police record

I am planning to leave

FreedomAnniversary · 24/04/2021 21:47

@Hermione457

Our second child was the son he always wanted. We both wanted 2 children but I guess he found it harder to deal with having 2 little ones. The kids are aged 10 and 12 now so they are older. I have just as good a job as he does. In all other aspects of my life I am very strong but here I just feel so weak. Does anyone have any advice for me how to assert myself in this situation?

So others would describe you as strong and feisty yet you get walked all over by the man who promised you were the most important person to him with his wedding vows?

You are telling them that women do housework and men do whatever they want even if their partner is miserable. Your children aren't idiots.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2021 21:49

@Phrowzunn

If your daughter is feisty and wouldn’t let a man do to her what her dad does to you.. and that makes you feel proud of her.. imagine how proud she would feel of you if (maybe when she’s a bit older) she learns that her dad was a cheating scumbag and you had the strength to kick him to the kerb. What a good example for her, and your son too. I agree with poster that your son will be more influenced by what he sees than what you try and teach him. If you won’t leave for your own sake OP (which you absolutely should) - think of your kids!

And also as a reminder, 'feisty' women aren't immune from being in abusive relationships. Nobody who knows me professionally / casually would believe I would 'let' a man be abusive towards me. But the concept of 'letting' a man be like that is very victim blamey. My feistiness didn't safeguard me against abusive relationships, only therapy unravelling the learned relationship behaviour I experienced in my childhood did that.

In my case, growing up in a household I would say was tense and walking on eggshells rather than abusive (I was always incredibly close to my mum and still am) did enough damage that I didn't realise real life couples had a laugh with each other, were genuinely affectionate, were cheerleaders and equal teammates etc... all that contributed to my poor choices of partners in my early 20s. Add to that the legacy of having a mum (who as I say I adore and is wonderful) who stayed in a relationship that didn't bring her joy, that saw her try to keep everyone else happy etc gave me the mindset that it's normal to be unhappy with people but still stay together. You said it better than me - kids learn more from what they see than what they are told.

Funnily enough my brother has turned out to be somewhat of a misogynist who talks the talk in public about equality but through his actions clearly believes cleaning, cooking and childcare are ultimately a woman's responsibility and if he contributes he is 'helping' rather than just doing his fair share and adulting.

Because I'm 'feisty' he would think my exes weren't abusive and I must have given as good as I got. We can't win, it often feels like.

But you can help break the cycle by setting an example to your kids when it comes to healthy relationship behaviours. Especially as in the next 5/6 years they'll likely be starting their own entry into the world of relationships. This is such a pivotal age for them both. Please don't make them think this relationship is healthy and normal.

Closetbeanmuncher · 24/04/2021 21:56

Does anyone have any advice for me how to assert myself in this situation?

This is a dynamic that has been established over 20 years so would be extremely difficult to change.

He is a selfish bully lacking a moral compass (aka garden variety twat). The depression line is nothing more than an excuse for him to he able to have all the free time he wants and cheat on you when something takes his fancy.

Honestly why are you even there? You can still maintain a relationship with your in laws without dealing with his shit on a daily basis.

I think you need to look at him for what he is.

Original poster

Hermione457 · 24/04/2021 22:02

I'm sitting here overwhelmed by your comments and a little emotional to be honest . It would appear I have some rather big issues to face and decision to make. More issues than I was actually aware of xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Hermione457 · 24/04/2021 22:04

It's a horrible feeling isn't it 😭. I hope it all works out for you.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 24/04/2021 22:06

@user113424742258631134

He's abusing you. The only response to that is exiting the relationship. There is nothing that can be "worked out".

For the sake of your children, leave him.

All. The. Way.

These are the only words you need.

What an utter bastard.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/04/2021 22:09

Does anyone have any advice for me how to assert myself in this situation?

Tell someone you trust about what's going on.

Think about what you need

Seek counselling for yourself if you think it would help

Consider the practicalities if your marriage ended

Tell him. Call him out on his actions & say what you are going to do.

Taking back control will help enormously. 💐

Notjustabrunette · 24/04/2021 22:27

Leave. He’s cheated on you twice, no wonder why you feel resentful.

billy1966 · 24/04/2021 22:38

Dear Lord,

What a car crash.

Abusive manipulative husband pulls the biggest fast one on his wife for years.

Who knows or cares if he has depression.

He is a selfish, useless, self absorbed fxxk who is a crap father and husband.

Get rid of him.
He is a waster who hasn't on iota of respect for you.

Tell all your family and friends that he has screwed around twice.

Stop protecting him and find some self respect.

You deserve so much better.

BillMasheen · 24/04/2021 22:39

The depression stemmed from not being able to bond with our second child

That’s what he wants you to think. But honestly OP, if you struggled to Bond with your child would you a) seek out some family therapy, or b) go shag a random acquaintance?

There’s no logic unless you accept the reality. He’s a selfish unfaithful arse.

Grimsknee · 25/04/2021 01:17

OP, there's a nice (free), evidence-based self-help program here that you could start with

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

RamblinRosie · 25/04/2021 02:18

Depression, hmmmmm.

Has it been diagnosed by a qualified expert?

It often seems to me that people claim depression when life doesn’t give them what they feel they deserve, mainly because they don’t deserve it! They then think the claim of depression is a “Get out of jail free “ card for anything they do.

I really feel that I deserve to be a millionaire , I’m unhappy that I’m not, does that make me depressed? I think not.

PerveenMistry · 25/04/2021 02:25

Ffs. He's a loser ad abuser.

You get only one life here on planet Earth. Do you really want to waste it on him???

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 25/04/2021 07:05

I'm sorry, but it sounds like the best way to assert yourself would be to issue divorce papers.

What does he bring to your life? He doesn't help much with the house or the children, he prioritises himself and his hobbies, he's pressurising you for intimacy when unsurprisingly you don't want it and he's creating a stressful mood in the house which is bad for the children. You don't trust him. It sounds like you and the children would be much happier in your small gang of three.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/04/2021 09:32

He isn't a keeper, he's a serial cheater and expects you to be both a servant and a prostitute "or else".
I'd dump him, he isn't good enough for you.

pog100 · 25/04/2021 09:49

@EarringsandLipstick

Does anyone have any advice for me how to assert myself in this situation?

Tell someone you trust about what's going on.

Think about what you need

Seek counselling for yourself if you think it would help

Consider the practicalities if your marriage ended

Tell him. Call him out on his actions & say what you are going to do.

Taking back control will help enormously. 💐

These are nice practical steps, OP..I recommend them, especially the first which is potentially the hardest. The others flow. At the point you broach it with him you MUST mean it. That's being assertive. Please take control, you have no idea how much better it's going to feel and ultimately better for your kids. It's a shock reading all this, I'm sure, and you don't have to act immediately. Digest it. I think you should act soon though before your resolve weakens. Good luck!

feelingfree17 · 25/04/2021 11:00

Just be confident in the knowledge that you and your children deserve so much better and go from there.