Should SAHP do ALL chores?

[Whatsthatspookynoise]

My partner pays the rent which is quite a lot. I pay council tax, water and all shopping. He works full time and I don't. He currently works from home and does not move from the sofa. He sits there working, playing video games every so often when it gets quiet and then when he finishes work, he continues to sit in the recliner playing video games. He rarely leaves the house.

I do everything. I don't think he realises how many things need to be done to maintain a house! He's never had to tidy up in his life.

He helps with our kids, but doesn't cook for them or put them to bed etc. He spills things all over the sides and then just walks away. He really truly believes he is a clean and tidy person that does a lot. Even our 9 year old pointed out that "daddy was lazy and mummy does everything" but apparently I've made him think that? He will get out of bed at 9 which is when he starts work. I've already taken my son to school and done shopping with my 1 year old in tow by then.

I don't think chores should be shared equally of course because I don't have a job, but is it unfair of me to think maybe he should do a few things here and there? I keep getting overwhelmed with the amount of mess. I tidy up, walk out and when I walk back in the place is trashed. I honestly don't know how it happens. I'm just frustrated with all of it. I'm exhausted almost all of the time due to partners extreme snoring and my baby stirring in the night.

Even taking the kids to the park once in a while would be nice so I can catch up with housework. If he had a physical job, where he was exhausted, I wouldn't complain as much, but he literally sits on his ass non stop.

Not all, but most. But surely this should have been discussed when you decided to give up work to be a SAHM?

As in decide how you’re going to divide up tasks etc

@autumnalrain Yeah these things were discussed. I was actually the carer of my brother so wasn't in full time work and I passed this back over to my mum as I would have a newborn and couldn't keep going there every day. I was totally happy to be the one in charge of maintaining chores until I realised that my partner genuinely thought he didn't have to do anything around the house. He said he would!

Maybe it’s time to sit him down and reestablish tasks. He definitely should be helping out. Are you thinking of going back to work eventually?

How long has he been a selfish, lazy, sexist twat? Sounds like it's a been a while. So the chances of his changing are none. This is who he is. The rearview mirror is 20/20 but the time to have nip this in the bud is after the first child is born and then walk when they don't step up to act like an adult and father.

If you're a SAHP, too, you're very vulnerable financially if you're not married. How exactly are you paying these bills?

This is a poor example of a relationship.

I'd look at getting out of it.

I think adults shouldnt really create mess for others to clean up. So the chores arent too onerous then.
So its fine for the person at home to do most of the chores but not be a skivvy.

No, not everything.

DH got into this habit too. I was flat out with 4 DC at home and keeping on top of a large house, walking the dogs, and everything else. I cooked every night and he never cleaned up afterwards.

I eventually lost my shit over it because I was sick of him having free evenings and weekends when I never got a break. He had two more hours of relaxing time than me daily (easily) and all weekend!

He was told to pick up any chores 50/50 evenings and weekends. Now he does empty the bins when they’re full, clean up after a meal, empty the dishwasher, put some washing on at the weekend etc.

I wouldn’t tolerate a lazy partner now!

Sit downs don't work with men like this and his behaving like an adult and father is not 'helping out'. He's inherently sexist.

I really don't think a SAHP should do all the chores- a man living alone has to cook and wash his clothes himself..... if the working parent works 9-5.....within those hours the SAHP can do whatever chores are possible alongside childcare. But why shouldn't the evening chores be shared 50:50?

I definitely think he needs to be doing a LOT more, also, his health? Sitting around all day doesn't sound great. Definitely take kids to the park once a week minimum.

My top tip is to make things routine, then you don't have to keep asking for / negotiating them, eg. Every Saturday morning he takes Kids to park and every Tuesday and Thursday he cooks... I don't know, I feel I do way too much as a SAHM but my partner does a lot more than this. Hope you can change things.

@autumnalrain

Maybe it’s time to sit him down and reestablish tasks. He definitely should be helping out. Are you thinking of going back to work eventually?

He wouldn’t be “helping out”.

As the SAHP you should be doing 80/90% but he should also be doing his share.

Does he do anything in the house on the weekend? Any parenting?

On maternity leave I did what I could... DH would help or pick up the rest after work. He'd help with night feeds too.

Both human, both raising kids. I know one goes to work etc but running a home is still hard and I couldn't go to work and justify leaving the other person doing everything at home

P.s. you must be exhausted - just saw the snoring on top of 1 year old waking 😢 That's really tough. I would not be impressed in your position re. his contribution to the family.

How many DC's do you have? I know rent can be pricy depending on where you live, but I'd guess food and council tax for myself and son would be in region if £500 per month and there's at least 4 of you. So how do you, and why do you, pay that? Just thinking most SAHM arrangements involve man covering everything.
Having said that, spilling stuff and leaving it is general poor manners, and disrespectful generally as it implies it's someone else's job.
I'd work out the percentage of household cost you are covering, he should do that same percent of household tasks. You both should still get equal leisure time, so he should be taking the DC's out and looking after them too, because that is being a parent.

During his working hours you should do all the things that need doing. Outwith his working hours you split them between you so you both have some free time.

Not all but the majority

No. You should both work an equal amount.

At one point I sat down and watched tv beside dh when he did. It absolutely opened his eyes.

How do you pay for tax, shopping and water if you’re not working?

You should have equal amounts of leisure time.

So if he works for 8 hours, assume that you should also work for 8 hours looking after the children and the house. After that, everything should be equally split.

You should get equal free time.

We had an extremely high needs baby, so that ended up with me being a sahm, DH working full time and DH doing most of the housework. It was difficult for all of us and not the way we imagined things running, but once dd got a special needs diagnosis we finally understood why things had been so difficult and she would just scream and scream and scream if we did anything other than have mommy hold her. DH will freely admit he got the better end of the deal, despite having to work so hard.

I would say

Worker, work full time
SAHP, looks after the house, washing, cleaning shopping

Children 50/50 split of care on an evening, one puts to bed one cooks

You should have equal leisure time!

As a housewife you should do it all.

It's tricky because if you're the sahp, your work goes on and on and on.

You're always the last to sit down and often the first up, if not up in the night as well.

With paid employment, the boundaries of starting and finishing work can be quite clear.

If he were a single man, he'd still do housework. Still have to cook, clean etc. Why doesn't he have to do any of that house stuff now?

It seems to me that the division of labour is unclear and because you don't get money for your drudgery, you are expected to work until you have done everything which is often a great deal of graft.

"As a housewife you should do it all."

Rubbish.

As an adult he should pick up after himself.

As a parent he should share the load when it comes to looking after his kids.

"Even taking the kids to the park once in a while would be nice"

How sad is that sentence? He sounds like a total waster

How are uou paying council tax, water and shopping if your not working?

Are you married?

I realise this isn't the question but there seems a lot more inequality than chores.