Should SAHP do ALL chores?

[Whatsthatspookynoise]

My partner pays the rent which is quite a lot. I pay council tax, water and all shopping. He works full time and I don't. He currently works from home and does not move from the sofa. He sits there working, playing video games every so often when it gets quiet and then when he finishes work, he continues to sit in the recliner playing video games. He rarely leaves the house.

I do everything. I don't think he realises how many things need to be done to maintain a house! He's never had to tidy up in his life.

He helps with our kids, but doesn't cook for them or put them to bed etc. He spills things all over the sides and then just walks away. He really truly believes he is a clean and tidy person that does a lot. Even our 9 year old pointed out that "daddy was lazy and mummy does everything" but apparently I've made him think that? He will get out of bed at 9 which is when he starts work. I've already taken my son to school and done shopping with my 1 year old in tow by then.

I don't think chores should be shared equally of course because I don't have a job, but is it unfair of me to think maybe he should do a few things here and there? I keep getting overwhelmed with the amount of mess. I tidy up, walk out and when I walk back in the place is trashed. I honestly don't know how it happens. I'm just frustrated with all of it. I'm exhausted almost all of the time due to partners extreme snoring and my baby stirring in the night.

Even taking the kids to the park once in a while would be nice so I can catch up with housework. If he had a physical job, where he was exhausted, I wouldn't complain as much, but he literally sits on his ass non stop.

You should have the same working hours.

Look up wifework OP, you are being treated as a skivvy.

I’m a SAHM, I do everything that I can during the day but after work we share out the load, bit of a “no one is done till everyone is done” ethos.

He also takes DD to the park for an hour as soon as he’s home so I can do a quick tidy up and cook dinner in peace and he gets one on one time with DD. I really don’t think that’s unreasonable given that we both have busy days.

Should SAHP do ALL chores? Absolutely not.

Some jobs are very demanding and can be very tiring. However, most have allocated break times. When do you get a rest with child care? I see you say he helps out with the children, but is it enough?

Also it isnt up to you to clean up after him if he makes a mess. Say for example he makes himself a sandwich for lunch. It takes less than a minute to wipe crumbs away and put his plate etc in dishwasher (if you have one) before he goes back to work. Or even after as long as he does it.

Housework should be split somewhere a long the lines of 40/60 during week whilst he is working and 50/50 at weekends. Something like that. I do not have children so could be way of the mark there, but I feel any person who doesnt help out in the home they live in is selfish. Especially when children are involved.

Do you have a chance for a little lie in on a weekend?

Seems like the second he logs off, everything should become 50-50.

Do you point out to him what needs doing? Tell him to get it done? I think it’s fine to do the chores as much as possible during the day but the rest of the time should be split and he should be cleaning up after himself.

What does he do at weekends??

I'd make a list of what you both do each day - list when you get up, each chore you do for kids, house, partner - and compare them. Then agree between you how to split chores more fairly.

What a selfish lazy fucker!!!!!

If things don't change, I'd leave him. Sexist lazy tossed.

When he stops work, childcare should become 50/50. Same for weekends.

I was really nervous posting this as I just thought everyone would say suck it up it's your job!

If I do sit down to have a break, then nothing gets done and I just get stressed out.

My first son is not biologically my partner's child so I get child maintenance and also child benefit as well as some top ups. So I don't have much left after paying bills. Partner makes quite good money. We are not married.

I actually joked that he should pay me like a housekeeper/nanny and he said my payment is actually living in this apartment with access to all of his technology... ? Haha

This is no joke. You are very financially vulnerable here. What he's doing to you is not on.

Okay you don't have a full time job but being a sahp is as good as, you are on call 24/7 and do not get a break.
You need to sit him down and tell him exactly what you expect from him, you aren't his maid or his mother you are his wife.
Stop tidying up after him and he will see exactly how much you do.

If a family don't have a cleaner then I think it's important that everyone in the house cleans a toilet and a floor regularly. I also think it's important for everyone to be responsible for their own laundry. I think these basics help keep people more mindful/respectful of the one doing the bulk of the chores.

Your last post makes him sound appalling. He is suggesting the right to raise his child and a roof over your heads is a privilege?

I think you need to have a very frank discussion that should have happened before baby making. You are a stay at home parent, not a housekeeper or cook. If you are a family unit, everything should be shared equally- the monies, the workload, the free time, the decision making.
Why have you chosen not to work? You might be better working with him paying for nursery and sharing the non-childcare work. Being a SAHP only really works if both parties are committed to a long term, equal partnership.

I agree with pp you need to look for work.

You will be financially better off and a lot less vunerable.

I think who does what in the house is the least of your worries.

He sounds like a tosser.

I actually joked that he should pay me like a housekeeper/nanny and he said my payment is actually living in this apartment with access to all of his technology... ? Haha

Err what?!

What an arsehole. Bloody hell don't put up with shit. I'd be getting a job and moving out of someone said that to me.

In fact my ex tried that. And I did just that eventually.

You are in a very vulnerable position financiallly here. You are not married and not working. I’d get a job as soon as you can.

As to the chores, of course you should do most of them but not all as your SAHM job shouldnt be 24-7 should it? Chores should 50/50 at wknds so you both get a break. You need to explain that to him. Sadly men rarely step up

I don't think this is about sharing chores or talking about who does what. He is a horrible selfish man child playing video games like a teenager and taking no part in rearing his child. I was a sahp for a few years with small dc. I did laundry/ shopping etc but as soon as dh stepped in the door he played with the dc/ put out the bin/ tidied up toys/ took clothes off the line etc . He just rallied around doing what needed to be done. He had a very stressful job in the medical field but at home he was a father with work to do. We never discussed it before l gave up as l never expected him to play bloody video games like a child. On weekends l met friends etc and he took over or we did family things together. This man is a total loser and treating you like dirt by never cleaning up after himself. I would have had that with teens if l hadn't created holy war until they realised very quickly l wasn't their slave. This man brings nothing to you except a roof over your head but that's no life. Look to getting a job and getting away from him.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I plan on talking to him later and explaining that I'm struggling to keep up and that it's not fair.

I think he thinks of it in an old fashioned way. But he doesn't "keep" me if that makes sense. So I pay for my own things and bills, but also have to clean up after him? I'm not a maid.
It's hard to talk to him about it as like I said, he really believes he cleans up after himself and is a tidy person. I think our versions of tidy are very different.

I would like to get a job, but as my brother's carer for so long, there's a huge gap in my CV and I'm worried no one will hire me. If anyone knows where I can get advice that would be great

So he does nothing but work and pay the rent

OP this isnt a fair divide at all - you are paying out quite a lot and doing everything.

While they are actually at work then yes, the SAHP should be doing all the daily chores, but when they come home they shouldn't expect to lounge about the entire time and be waited on hand and foot.

When you are both at home, you both muck in together.

I was a sahm for a few years after dc1. Now I work 30 hours a week over four days.
When I was at home DH did nothing and said it was because I was at home.
Now I’m at work he does nothing and says it’s because I have a day off in the week. He uses his weekend for golf. I use my day off for housework and any appointments the kids need (dc1 has SEND) and the weekend I have the dc.
He’s never cooked a meal. He’s never put the washing machine on. He’s never washed up (dishwasher broke during lockdown #1 and now I just do it). He didn’t do a night feed. He didn’t do an early morning get up.
And I put up with it because I was a sahp. Guess what? It’s no different now I’m not.

Never mind him taking them to the park so you can catch up on more housework (enabling him further) How about you spend some time for you! He has clearly conditioned you on that one too. SAHP is a very full on job and you need down time too.

If other half is out at work I’d do the house stuff. If other half is WFH on the sofa gaming they can do their share if the housework