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Original poster

Son (16) and his flaky girlfriend

113 replies

Worriedmumble · 24/04/2021 17:20

My son is 16 and he’s had a girlfriend (16) for the past 9 months. During lockdown he obviously couldn’t see her, but now he’s trying to make up for lost time.

Meet up 1 arrangements - she cancelled because she didn’t feel well.

Meet up 2 - she cancelled because “her parents were being mean”.

Meet up 3 - she ghosted DS when making plans and said she fell asleep

Meet 4 - she agreed to meet, confirmed the morning of and then ghosted DS

Throughout the Easter holiday she didn’t see him once, but was out a lot with friends.

Meet 5 - DS turns up at her house (invited) and she cried (wouldn’t say why), hugged him and fell asleep, but he was thrilled to see her regardless

Meet 6 - Arranged but she ghosted him and didn’t answer her texts the day of.

DS was upset so explained to her that - at her request he was going to forgo his family holiday (long holiday long haul) this year so she wouldn’t miss him and so they could meet up, but if this was how it was going to be, then he’d have to rethink. She promised the earth, “no don’t go on your holiday, my parents are looking forward to taking us on day trips”. So my son said, if you can’t make a meet, then that’s no problem, just say that...but the ghosting has to stop. She agreed.

Meet 7 - arranged and day of she ghosted him and said she fell asleep again

Meet 8 - Parents were mean abs so she went to sleep hence the ghosting.

Meet 9 - arranged in advance and this time I was due to pick her up and bring her to ours. The day of, she ghosted DS and I wasn’t sure what was happening. Finally she messaged ‘I can still come over, but the traffic is bad and I’m going to be home really late from school’.
I said ‘DS, sounds like she wants you to cancel’...he says ‘no no, can we pick her up but later?’ I say ok, so he texts back that we’ll pick her up whatever time she likes. No reply. Nothing. An hour passes and I say, look, she’s not coming. I have to go out.
DS is upset, but resigns himself. We go out. He sends her a message saying ‘forget it then’. He gets an IMMEDIATE response “I was just about to text you that I can still come and I’m ready”. DS says ‘that’s great! I’ll call my mum!”.

He phones me and although DH and I have just got to where we were going, we leave and come straight back to get him. DS has hopped in the shower and is getting ready. Girlfriend texts and says ‘I’ve had a shit day at school and now this. All my parents wanted to do was spend some time with me. I’m so pissed off. I’m not coming over’.

DS is devastated. He breaks down and is inconsolable. It’s disappointment after disappointment. She told him not to text back, so he hasn’t. He did however blame me saying ‘if only you’d waited...’.

I was furious after being dragged home to pick her up. I personally think she’s wasting his time and his studies and MH are suffering. She’s young and immature and clearly isn’t ready for all this. Not her fault, but I want him to move on and focus on other things.

I’ve told him that this isn’t how it’s meant to be. That it’s meant to be fun and lighthearted at his age...but he just gets upset with me.

He hasn’t got out of bed all weekend now and is utterly depressed. She was also be meant to be coming over tomorrow, but I suspect she won’t be.

How can I make him see that he’s wasting his time and affecting his school and other social life?

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 26/04/2021 09:03

Oh i feel for you it must be awful seeing your boy treated in this way. What do his own friends say to him about her? Hopefully they will tell him the truth.

I think i’d tell him a story in a conversational way about someone being badly treated and hope that something clicks... I hope he goes on the holiday....

joystir59 · 26/04/2021 09:04

Just back off! I can't believe you are even talking about coordinating schedules for next weekend. My parents knew nothing Hong of my inner world at that age. He's 16!

Original poster
Worriedmumble · 26/04/2021 09:14

@joystir59

Just back off! I can't believe you are even talking about coordinating schedules for next weekend. My parents knew nothing Hong of my inner world at that age. He's 16!
We live in a rural location where there are no buses or trains etc. He is 20 miles from his friends and gf. He relies on us for lifts and cannot just go out or walk to where he needs to be. Unlike most teens who will just go out, DS needs lifts, otherwise he would never get to go out. I am not involved because I just like drama - until DS can drive, he needs us to get him from A to B.
OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 26/04/2021 13:01

@joystir59

Just back off! I can't believe you are even talking about coordinating schedules for next weekend. My parents knew nothing Hong of my inner world at that age. He's 16!

wow

forumdonkey · 26/04/2021 13:58

Firstly, why are you cancelling a family holiday for this girl? He's 16 and still a child so the answer to wanting to stay home would be NO! Time with him, as a family, is so precious and in two short years he may move out to university and may never live back with you again. You also said you took him out at the weekend and his mood lifted. I think a holiday would be good for him.

Just as posters advise on here all the time - tell him know his worth, tell him he deserves better, raise his self esteem and build his self worth. Remind him that she's not that special if she treats people like she treats him. Some times tough love hurts but pointing out her failings won't hurt as much as she is doing.

Leafy12 · 26/04/2021 15:07

I agree, find ways to increase his self esteem and self worth. He is not spoilt or however you put it, he is lacking in self love and self worth and therefore is allowing this. Worry about that, not about this girl. He sounds depressed and uninterested in life. Please invest in showing him loving guidance and healthy boundaries. Then hopefully he will naturally grow away from this unhappy relationship.

Feckfeckfeck123 · 26/04/2021 15:45

I had this with my nephew at 18. We are very close and when his highschool sweetheart from age 14 was stringing him along he was on the phone/visiting me daily talking incessantly about her, their relationship, how she was ghosting him, how she was adding other boys on her SM. Omg it drove me mad but in true agony aunt fashion I patiently listened and advised. She eventually dumped him and started dating a new guy. He was really depressed for a few months until he went on a big family holiday and came back a changed man. I also reminded him he was going to university that summer and would meet a ton of girls he would soon forget about her. That's exactly what happened.

Will your DS be going to college next year? Hopefully things will be back to normal with Covid restrictions and I think meeting new people will help him realise there's plenty more girls out there.

Opentooffers · 26/04/2021 15:46

Firstly, not the best location to bring an only child up, if very remote. Understandable if farmers, in which case, there is usually a network of young farmers socials. If you've lived there a long time while he's been growing up, it's not surprising he is timid and underdeveloped emotionally, and perhaps socially. Having your nearest friends live 20 miles away is an odd set-up. Having said all that, it would of been wise perhaps, and aided his development, if he'd been encouraged to get on his bike and make his own way. Are you not even within cycling distance of a train stop? You've actually and inadvertently, made him too dependent on others by him having to rely on you.

What can you do about it now? Well at least there's less than a year to go before he can learn to drive, then he can start fending for himself, but there's a lot of catching up to do before he will be at the level of his peers.

BlueDahlia69 · 26/04/2021 15:47

@Opentooffers

Firstly, not the best location to bring an only child up, if very remote. Understandable if farmers, in which case, there is usually a network of young farmers socials. If you've lived there a long time while he's been growing up, it's not surprising he is timid and underdeveloped emotionally, and perhaps socially. Having your nearest friends live 20 miles away is an odd set-up. Having said all that, it would of been wise perhaps, and aided his development, if he'd been encouraged to get on his bike and make his own way. Are you not even within cycling distance of a train stop? You've actually and inadvertently, made him too dependent on others by him having to rely on you.

What can you do about it now? Well at least there's less than a year to go before he can learn to drive, then he can start fending for himself, but there's a lot of catching up to do before he will be at the level of his peers.

this entire post is rude and insulting

Bagelsandbrie · 26/04/2021 15:59

@Opentooffers

Firstly, not the best location to bring an only child up, if very remote. Understandable if farmers, in which case, there is usually a network of young farmers socials. If you've lived there a long time while he's been growing up, it's not surprising he is timid and underdeveloped emotionally, and perhaps socially. Having your nearest friends live 20 miles away is an odd set-up. Having said all that, it would of been wise perhaps, and aided his development, if he'd been encouraged to get on his bike and make his own way. Are you not even within cycling distance of a train stop? You've actually and inadvertently, made him too dependent on others by him having to rely on you.

What can you do about it now? Well at least there's less than a year to go before he can learn to drive, then he can start fending for himself, but there's a lot of catching up to do before he will be at the level of his peers.

Complete lack of understanding of what it’s like to live rurally- as many, many families do. It isn’t that unusual, and not all of us are farmers!
Rozziie · 26/04/2021 20:08

@BlueDahlia69 it is quite true though. It's actually a bit cruel to live in the middle of nowhere when you have kids, especially teenagers. I grew up in a rural area and it put me so far behind other people my age, because I simply couldn't just do stuff on my own. I had to rely on my parents to drive me everywhere, which meant they had enormous control over my life, as they could just refuse. It also meant they knew all my business so I had no privacy. There was nothing to do at the weekend, nowhere to go, so I spent an unhealthy amount of time in my room, on the internet. I had an absolutely awful first year of university because I was just so clueless and sheltered and my social skills were so poor from not having hung around with people like everyone else. My ex was from Bristol and I used to feel so envious and resentful when he would talk about his happy, fun teenage years. Mine are just a black hole.

IMO teenagers NEED to have independence, figure stuff out for themselves and not have their parents involved in every aspect of their lives, and this is very difficult to achieve when you live in the arse end of nowhere with no public transport.

ufucoffee · 26/04/2021 20:26

I always feel sorry for teenagers that live in very remote places. I'd also feel sorry for myself if I had to give my teenagers lifts everywhere because of it. I wondered if he'd be able to get a moped at 16? Just to give him a bit of independence.

BlueDahlia69 · 26/04/2021 20:33

I live on a small Scottish island so spare me the lectures, about isolated living 😂

Original poster
Worriedmumble · 26/04/2021 21:16

Yes, I do feel for my son with regards to where we live and to the op who asked, the nearest train station is at least a 40 minute drive away, so he couldn’t bike it. We don’t even have a shop near us. There’s nothing I can do about that right now however and I guess that concern is for another thread. But I agree, it does mean DS relies on us and it does limit him privacy with regards to where he goes and who with. I’m not sure what I can do about that though and we’re not in a position to move atm.
DS is back to being happy today since GF phoned to make up. Until next weekend I suspect all will be well.

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 26/04/2021 22:44

@Opentooffers

Firstly, not the best location to bring an only child up, if very remote. Understandable if farmers, in which case, there is usually a network of young farmers socials. If you've lived there a long time while he's been growing up, it's not surprising he is timid and underdeveloped emotionally, and perhaps socially. Having your nearest friends live 20 miles away is an odd set-up. Having said all that, it would of been wise perhaps, and aided his development, if he'd been encouraged to get on his bike and make his own way. Are you not even within cycling distance of a train stop? You've actually and inadvertently, made him too dependent on others by him having to rely on you.

What can you do about it now? Well at least there's less than a year to go before he can learn to drive, then he can start fending for himself, but there's a lot of catching up to do before he will be at the level of his peers.

At least we don't have to worry about knife crime and gangs
billy1966 · 26/04/2021 23:10

[quote Rozziie]@BlueDahlia69 it is quite true though. It's actually a bit cruel to live in the middle of nowhere when you have kids, especially teenagers. I grew up in a rural area and it put me so far behind other people my age, because I simply couldn't just do stuff on my own. I had to rely on my parents to drive me everywhere, which meant they had enormous control over my life, as they could just refuse. It also meant they knew all my business so I had no privacy. There was nothing to do at the weekend, nowhere to go, so I spent an unhealthy amount of time in my room, on the internet. I had an absolutely awful first year of university because I was just so clueless and sheltered and my social skills were so poor from not having hung around with people like everyone else. My ex was from Bristol and I used to feel so envious and resentful when he would talk about his happy, fun teenage years. Mine are just a black hole.

IMO teenagers NEED to have independence, figure stuff out for themselves and not have their parents involved in every aspect of their lives, and this is very difficult to achieve when you live in the arse end of nowhere with no public transport.[/quote]
Obviously not everyone has a choice but I wholeheartedly agree with you.

Some kids thrive but I would have hated it.
I love urban living.
So do my children.
I remember driving in the countryside with them when they were young and them makind a fuss at the slurry smell.
Very funny.

Quaverscrisps · 27/04/2021 05:24

Blimey op. I hope he dumps her before you've exchanged on the house. 😂 Next time try find a property within close proximity to pretty girl.
Mumsnet is batshit crazy

pilates · 27/04/2021 06:16

I would stop the offer of lifts etc as this is enabling her controlling abusive behaviour towards your son. Poor boy she seems to have him wrapped around her finger. Fingers crossed he will come to his senses ASAP.

Seadad · 27/04/2021 09:33

You can't tell your DS what to feel, and mustn't underestimate the intensity of teenage emotions.
But it's clear to me that your DS has never been guided to have his own boundaries. I suspect you have always stepped in when anything else in his life has been difficult, so he's learned to sit back and wait for things to turn right again? And this is one discrete area you can't fix.
So he needs to learn that allowing someone to dangle you on a string is just about the worst place to be - it's not that she is a terrible person - she's a kid too, but the dynamics mean he is allowing himself to be messed around in the hope of being accepted and loved.
Your DS needs to assert boundaries, because as he's discovered when he is firm she responds.
It could be she doesn't really want a BF and your DS is the safe option. But either way - he needs to learn to be able to understand what is happening by what people do, not what they say. And take decisions based on how people act - not texts with love hearts.
So - discuss healthy boundaries rather than criticism of her behavior I suggest.

HappyGoPlucky · 27/04/2021 16:23

It was sad to read your post, OP. I guess an awful lot of us have been there though. I've only recently learned that what my first ever bf did to me for seven agonising months was called ghosting (bastard!). Angry

It's all just growing up. Learning (hopefully) that you may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince/ess. Slowly seeing someone for what they really are - I do think a bit of parental prompting might help there. As Oprah says - an older, wiser friend once quoted this to me during a particularly dire break up! - love ain't meant to feel bad. One day his friends will take over from you & DH (seriously mate, she's just not that into you...).

Unless he has had real MH issues in the past I wouldn't be too worried. He's just sad because he's being badly treated by someone he's really into. It will pass. At some point she IS going to dump him! If she wasn't such an immature baby herself she'd have probably have done it by now. He'll be inconsolable. Then he'll get over it and meet someone else. He might even get to be the bastard next time. Chances are, if she's a lovely girl, he will.

Final note - please do not cancel that holiday and tell him he's going whether he stays with her or not. It seems ludicrous that a 16 year old gets that much of a say in a family holiday. Hmm

Fashio · 28/04/2021 03:22

What happened when you binned lifts

newnortherner111 · 28/04/2021 07:02

It's not nice how your DS is being treated. Is he determined to attempt to keep this relationship going because he thinks without it, a long time may pass before he meets anyone else who likes him?

bangheadhere40 · 28/04/2021 08:07

@Seadad great response...

I can empathise OP...have a 14 year old DS in a very similar scenario.

Seadad · 28/04/2021 09:19

@bangheadhere40 thank you. I just think it is really important that we THINK about how we are raising young men (and women)

Example- the advice "
"Final note - please do not cancel that holiday and tell him he's going whether he stays with her or not. It seems ludicrous that a 16 year old gets that much of a say in a family holiday."...seems wrong to me!
He is sixteen, and will be an adult in just two more years of learning. It's crucial that by late teens they are not infantilised, or pushed around by domineering parents. A young man needs to have learnt agency, accountability, executive function, having their own boundaries respected and being respected and supported by parents. Otherwise a young man is just going to replace his controlling disrespectful domineering mother for a girlfriend that will not respect him- and that will feel normal to him! Not giving lifts unless they bend to your will is also controlling and counter productive.

A 'Man child' is one of the worst partners - and yet it comes from never having had to think, be decisive, be accountable, responsible for actions, set boundaries and have them respected. None of these magically appear in men!

FinallyHere · 28/04/2021 09:59

Ooohh interesting @Seadad

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