Son (16) and his flaky girlfriend

[Worriedmumble]

My son is 16 and he’s had a girlfriend (16) for the past 9 months. During lockdown he obviously couldn’t see her, but now he’s trying to make up for lost time.

Meet up 1 arrangements - she cancelled because she didn’t feel well.

Meet up 2 - she cancelled because “her parents were being mean”.

Meet up 3 - she ghosted DS when making plans and said she fell asleep

Meet 4 - she agreed to meet, confirmed the morning of and then ghosted DS

Throughout the Easter holiday she didn’t see him once, but was out a lot with friends.

Meet 5 - DS turns up at her house (invited) and she cried (wouldn’t say why), hugged him and fell asleep, but he was thrilled to see her regardless

Meet 6 - Arranged but she ghosted him and didn’t answer her texts the day of.

DS was upset so explained to her that - at her request he was going to forgo his family holiday (long holiday long haul) this year so she wouldn’t miss him and so they could meet up, but if this was how it was going to be, then he’d have to rethink. She promised the earth, “no don’t go on your holiday, my parents are looking forward to taking us on day trips”. So my son said, if you can’t make a meet, then that’s no problem, just say that...but the ghosting has to stop. She agreed.

Meet 7 - arranged and day of she ghosted him and said she fell asleep again

Meet 8 - Parents were mean abs so she went to sleep hence the ghosting.

Meet 9 - arranged in advance and this time I was due to pick her up and bring her to ours. The day of, she ghosted DS and I wasn’t sure what was happening. Finally she messaged ‘I can still come over, but the traffic is bad and I’m going to be home really late from school’.
I said ‘DS, sounds like she wants you to cancel’...he says ‘no no, can we pick her up but later?’ I say ok, so he texts back that we’ll pick her up whatever time she likes. No reply. Nothing. An hour passes and I say, look, she’s not coming. I have to go out.
DS is upset, but resigns himself. We go out. He sends her a message saying ‘forget it then’. He gets an IMMEDIATE response “I was just about to text you that I can still come and I’m ready”. DS says ‘that’s great! I’ll call my mum!”.

He phones me and although DH and I have just got to where we were going, we leave and come straight back to get him. DS has hopped in the shower and is getting ready. Girlfriend texts and says ‘I’ve had a shit day at school and now this. All my parents wanted to do was spend some time with me. I’m so pissed off. I’m not coming over’.

DS is devastated. He breaks down and is inconsolable. It’s disappointment after disappointment. She told him not to text back, so he hasn’t. He did however blame me saying ‘if only you’d waited...’.

I was furious after being dragged home to pick her up. I personally think she’s wasting his time and his studies and MH are suffering. She’s young and immature and clearly isn’t ready for all this. Not her fault, but I want him to move on and focus on other things.

I’ve told him that this isn’t how it’s meant to be. That it’s meant to be fun and lighthearted at his age...but he just gets upset with me.

He hasn’t got out of bed all weekend now and is utterly depressed. She was also be meant to be coming over tomorrow, but I suspect she won’t be.

How can I make him see that he’s wasting his time and affecting his school and other social life?

He needs to learn the lesson that it's not what people say that matters, it's what they do.

If she felt like he does she wouldn't behave as she does. He wouldn't turn down an opportunity to meet her. Ergo she doesn't feel the same.

He's learning for the first time that relationships are a two way street and you "loving" someone desperately and thinking they are "perfect" does not mean they feel the same.

For a start I'd stop enabling with the pick up/drop offs.

I'd also point out the above and not sugar coat it.

She's behaving like this because a) for whatever reason she doesn't feel the same b) because he's letting her.

I'd telling him to reflect her behaviour back at her. Don't answer texts, don't initiate meet ups and if suggested cancel them. Preferably finish with her - either she'll come to her senses or walk but either way he knows where he stands.

Realistically though anything you say will fall on deaf ears. So so with the lifts, insists he comes on holiday and be there to pick up the pieces when she finally has the guts to end it.

Does he need a gentle heart-to-heart chat about the fact that pretty much nobody meets their partner at 15vlike you did?

I wonder if he feels some unconscious pressure to live up to your experience of meeting so soon? People who do are often seen as "successful" in a way that can be unhelpful, does he somehow see breakups as a failure? He needs to know that walking away from a situation can sometimes be the hardest, but the right thing to do and relationships aren't always worth working at.

The girl certainly likes her sleep! She is also messing your son about, op. I wonder if it is her parents influencing her and she doesn't want to say.

You are right that at their age, relationships should be lighthearted and fun. If you can influence your son to cool it a bit and see other friends, it would be good but it sounds as though he is quite keen on this girl.

Good luck to you all!

I really wouldn't leave him out of the holiday. He's probably thinking of 14 nights of amour when the reality is he'll be rattling around alone. I'd worry about his MH

I’d be booking him on the holiday but wouldn’t say anything, it sounds like it’s going to be over soon and I’d bet he’d like a holiday to cheer himself up a bit.

You’ll just have to go with the flow, they are 16 and both being silly, her leading him on and him being a doormat but they have to learn for themselves it’s all part of growing up.

I won’t be cancelling his seat on the plane yet. He knows we’d like him to come away. Hopefully he’ll see before then that coming away is the best thing for him.

In the meantime DH agrees that we are running about after him too much and enabling the issue, so we are going to stop being so available so that in turn, he isn’t as available.

Although I feel my son is respectful, DH has agreed to chat to him about pursuing someone who may not feel the same way. I know DH will tackle this sensitivity so as not to make DS feel embarrassed or ashamed. I don’t think he deserves to feel to blame for her behaviour, but it’s worth the reminder.

We have agreed that we won’t criticise the GF. DS won’t hear it anyway and a pp hit the nail on the head when they mentioned self worth. DS has very little self confidence, so we need to find ways to boost it. At 16 it’s a challenge because you can’t just enrol them is local clubs, but we’ll find a way.

Also, for the next few weeks I’m going to book days out that we all go on, so he hasn’t got time to meet her anyway. We’ve arranged pizza with my sister and her family next Saturday and Sunday I’ve just booked the zoo...childish, but I’m sure we’ll still have a great day. At least he can’t arrange to meet GF.

Thanks again all, your suggestions and advice is gratefully received!

The screaming to get out of his room is not good.

Is he indulged?

Because none of mine would get away with roaring at me like that.

He sounds a small bit hysterical.
I would no longer be involved in lifts and at 16 the holiday would not be up for discussion.

I actually wouldn't put this drama on his grandparents to deal with it.
Also it will spoil your holiday worrying how he is.
Fxxk that, to put it baldly.

There is a fine line with teens between being supportive/kind and then telling them to get a grip and cop themselves on.

Having teens I have had this a few times over the years.

Sometimes they need pulling back from themselves.

If he's roaring at you, he's crossing that line.

He needs telling.
We love you.
We are here for you.
We support you.

But don't push too far because we will not accept being disrespected in our home.

I have four and had my share of low level drama over the years.

One thing that I have said clearly is that as a family I will not accept so much drama from any member that it dominates the house.
No one member of the family is more important than the family unit.

No one can take over the home with their drama.

So he needs to be told to dial it down because he's beginning to sound like a hysterical 12 year old and it's not a good look.

So OP, know your moment and have a word.

Dealing with teens can involve them attempting to cross the line but it is so important to show them that even though they may think they are like adults, they are still teens and rules and boundaries still apply, even if they don't like it.

You really have my full sympathy though.

Exhausting doesn't come near it.

@billy1966

The screaming to get out of his room is not good.

Is he indulged?

Because none of mine would get away with roaring at me like that.

He sounds a small bit hysterical.
I would no longer be involved in lifts and at 16 the holiday would not be up for discussion.

I actually wouldn't put this drama on his grandparents to deal with it.
Also it will spoil your holiday worrying how he is.
Fxxk that, to put it baldly.

There is a fine line with teens between being supportive/kind and then telling them to get a grip and cop themselves on.

Having teens I have had this a few times over the years.

Sometimes they need pulling back from themselves.

If he's roaring at you, he's crossing that line.

He needs telling.
We love you.
We are here for you.
We support you.

But don't push too far because we will not accept being disrespected in our home.

I have four and had my share of low level drama over the years.

One thing that I have said clearly is that as a family I will not accept so much drama from any member that it dominates the house.
No one member of the family is more important than the family unit.

No one can take over the home with their drama.

So he needs to be told to dial it down because he's beginning to sound like a hysterical 12 year old and it's not a good look.

So OP, know your moment and have a word.

Dealing with teens can involve them attempting to cross the line but it is so important to show them that even though they may think they are like adults, they are still teens and rules and boundaries still apply, even if they don't like it.

You really have my full sympathy though.

Exhausting doesn't come near it.

Yes, I’m ashamed to say he is indulged as an only child and he can become hysterical.

But he is also generally a really well behaved and conscientious kid, who has always worked hard in school and been polite and respectful....so we are only now seeing the negative fall out of the years of over-indulgence. It’s reared it’s head a bit of late with the GF issue. I do need to be firmer about this.

The not coming on holiday wouldn't be an option. The lifts wouldn't happen. I wouldn't be as involved in what's happening with his relationships. I agree with the be blunt tell him she's not interested, get rid. And then I'd step back and not ask another thing. He's 16, he has to work it out for himself.

I think you need to be less available to him for lifts - so if your out you won’t turn round and fetch him (I don’t mean if he’s at a party or what ever)

So if he has a pre arranged meet - say sorry we’re heading out before then, perhaps her parents can give her a lift? Bright breezy and walk away. He can either solve the issue himself or she can.

Just stop and let him figure it out.

He needs to know: she's just not that into him. The only way to get more interest from her is to meet out the treatment shes giving, but it seems hes not prepared to do that.

Ok, no judgement here at all.
They are all indulged, I am not proud that mine are a bit ruined..and know it.
It happens because we love them so much.

You are clearly a loving parent and we all just do our best.

The holiday is the first thing.
He is going and that is it.
Absolutely non negotiable and don't get dragged into discussing it.
You are not leaving a 16 year old at home with your parents.
Get your parents to go off for a few days if needs be..pay for it😉.
But make it clear they are not around.

He's pushing boundaries but he's a good kid and he is in the thrall of his hormones and it is hard for them.

No lifts and consciously step back from it and leave him to it a bit.

Your husband needs to be primed to explain that however much he is in her thrall, she's making a fool of him and he is making a tit of himself.

I made a tit of myself at 16.
I can remember it well.
I was weak for him but he saw me as a friend.
The pain and it was 40 years ago🙄.
So he needs firm but kind support.

If your husband had a story about himself at a similar age that would help to show empathy that would be great.

My children bounce off each other so in your situation I wouldn't hesitate getting him some independent support.

This will support you too.
A recommendation of a really good counsellor to help him navigate this, give him a safe space and ideally help him with his confidence and build up his self esteem.

Don't forget you are doing your best, so go easy on yourself.

I'm a SAHM but my husband has a very senior position in a huge multinational.

He believes that parenting our teens is the only area in his life that he stresses over🤣

I had a similar situation last year with my D's(17). Girl was saying she really liked him,they went out on one proper date but then after that everytime she arranged to meet she would be "too tired from work" or "spending time with family". I'm very blunt and told him to get rid but he didn't listen
He was invited to her parents for dinner then promptly dumped! She came crawling back a couple of weeks later,they met up one more time then he dumped her.
I now try and stay out of teenage drama but if he were my son he would be going on the holiday even if I had to drag him onto plane kicking and screaming!

Can you or another family member have a problem with someone at work where the moral of the story is that actions speak louder than words and that you can’t control someone else’s behaviour but only your own that you can discuss in front of him over and over with perhaps other people chiming in with similar stories ? Because that’s what he needs to understand.
And then implement it yourself with the whole giving him a ride thing. Change your behaviour. Don’t be so available.

One day he will look back on this and cringe.

@amusedtodeath1

Just tell him how much it hurts you to see him so upset when she lets him down. Explain that you want him to be happy, but he doesn't seem to be. Never Ever criticise the GF.

That's all you can do, I'm afraid. He's besotted and there's no getting through to him until he either gets fed up himself or she ends it.

I was the same over boys at that age, you live and learn.

All of this I'm afraid, it's horrible and must be awful to stand by and watch but this is the only approach that could work I think.

not sure if anyones mentioned ...

There's another 2 Threads on here OP.. not quite the same but same age group.

My Son His GF (and her Mother)

good advice on there for young adults who are consumed by another teen.

🌸

What VodkaSlimline said.

She hasn't been interested in a long time and DS needs to learn to take no for an answer.

Indulging him will harm him in the long run.

He's learning that sulking, tantrums, and manipulation get results.
You say he is respectful. As long as he gets his way.

Does he have regular chores to do? Cleaning? Cooking? Laundry?

How do you and your DH respond when he screams at you to get out of his room?

@RantyAnty

What VodkaSlimline said.

She hasn't been interested in a long time and DS needs to learn to take no for an answer.

Indulging him will harm him in the long run.

He's learning that sulking, tantrums, and manipulation get results.
You say he is respectful. As long as he gets his way.

Does he have regular chores to do? Cleaning? Cooking? Laundry?

How do you and your DH respond when he screams at you to get out of his room?

Yes, he has chores. He has to wipe over the kitchen cabinets and handles and vacuum the three floors of our home every Saturday morning. He has to keep his bedroom clean and tidy and he has to change his bedding every weekend. He does this without argument. He will also fill the dishwasher after dinner.

When he screams at us to get out of his room, I usually will ask him to consider how he is speaking to the people who love him and consider whether we deserve to be spoken to in such a manner. I tend to leave him then and eventually he will come and apologise.

She's no girlfriend.

@BlueDahlia69

not sure if anyones mentioned ...

There's another 2 Threads on here OP.. not quite the same but same age group.

My Son His GF (and her Mother)

good advice on there for young adults who are consumed by another teen.

🌸

Found them! Thank you....I will have a read.

How was he over the weekend OP?

Take him.on holiday. Stop enabling this nonsense by altering plans to give him lifts or her lifts or anything- just stop being so involved and invested in his love life. Let him take the hard knocks of it.

What a horrible situation to be in, but unfortunately it does sound like he's needing to learn some life lessons 😕
My eldest (18) was in a relationship with a boy who was lovely but just made zero effort, etc...
I kept talking to her " I know this is difficult but we have to talk about it, I really like m but is he treating you how you treat someone you like etc"
I also think my husband and I have set a good example, we have a good, honest marriage and show mutual respect to each other, I said on a few occasions " what do you think dad would do"
The day she'd finally had enough, she said to me "I know dad wouldn't do that"
Uts so painful when our young adults are hurting 😢

I think this is all fairly normal. Unfortunately. I was the same at that age and my dd is 17 and is now the same ... crying over boys, thinking parents are the one thing standing in the way of true love blah blah. It’s all a load of crap but it is normal. I locked myself in my room and played Bon Jovi Always on repeat for about 1208 days whilst crying my eyes out on my bed over my first “love”. My mum had no clue what to do with me.

But it does pass. Just tell him you love him. As I’m sure you already do. Being a teen in love is hard.

Thanks everyone! We dragged him out over the weekend so he perked up. As expected she didn’t message him until Sunday afternoon (making sure she wouldn’t be seeing him all weekend). And when she did, it was all hearts and sorry and love yous. So of course she is forgiven and he’s hopeful he’ll see her next weekend. I want to shake him, but I can’t, so I just said ok. He’s clearly not going to finish it yet.

In the meantime, I’ve told him that I’m unavailable to offer her lifts next weekend and if he’s going to hers, it’ll have to be at a certain time to fit in with my day.

Not much else I can do atm.