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Original poster

I want to get married but...

51 replies

Pinkie98 · 24/04/2021 09:48

So, I would like to get married in the future (currently 22). Me and my bf (24) have been together for about 18 months and we have discussed marriage. His family is very dysfunctional and toxic and I've told him I don't want to marry into that. Would it be wrong of me to end things based on the fact that I want to get married but not into this type of family? Or can people have successful marriages marrying into these types of families?

I don't want to end up feeling resentful or anything and it's not my bf's fault that his family are like this, but the way the family is and they way they grew up, has sort of affected him and his mentality. He sometimes has a victim mentality and when we have disagreements he tends to feel sorry for himself which can be draining.

Any advice would be appreciated thank you :)

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 24/04/2021 10:21

In what way would you be “marrying into” his family? What would you have to do if you were married, which you don’t have to do now, whilst you’re unmarried?

If you both agree that his family are dysfunctional and you want to limit your contact with them, you can always relocate further away so that they have little to do with your day to day lives.

You’re both still very young, hence why it seems that you’ll always have to be enmeshed with your families and living in your home town, as you’ve presumably never known differently. But plenty of people have relatively little to do with their families.

His victim mentality is another issue. I couldn’t be bothered with that, so either he’d be seeking therapy to help him resolve his feelings or the relationship would be over.

Houseofvelour · 24/04/2021 10:26

If you can easily walk away due to what his family are like, then no, you shouldn't marry him.

Taikoo · 24/04/2021 10:30

I know what you mean.

i was in a long relationship with a man and his family were toxic. Three of the male family members had served prison sentences, two of those had sexually abused children and all of the family members were big drinkers.
I knew that if I married him I would never have any peace.

I dumped him in the end for a number of reasons but his family was one of them.

SarahBellam · 24/04/2021 12:13

You’re 22 and you’ve only been dating 18 months - so mostly during the pandemic. I’d put any talk of marriage on the back burner for 2 years at least. Go out, catch up with your friends, live life a little. Then decide if it’s worth it?

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2021 12:15

Um. You marry the person not the family, sounds like you want to get married for the sake of it, not you want to marry him

This is a very immature post. End the relationship if you’re not happy.

category12 · 24/04/2021 12:27

I think you're being quite sensible actually to consider his family dynamics, because you see so many women on here whose lives are being made miserable by partners being ruled by their toxic families.

It really depends on how dominated by them he is, and what your mutual expectations are.

That said, you're pretty young to settle down, isn't there stuff you want to do first?

mcmooberry · 24/04/2021 12:29

I would advise you walk away from this, especially as you are already finding some of his traits wearisome.

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 24/04/2021 13:11

@Bluntness100

Um. You marry the person not the family, sounds like you want to get married for the sake of it, not you want to marry him

This is a very immature post. End the relationship if you’re not happy.

I don't think it's immature at all, it's a valid question.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 24/04/2021 13:13

@category12

I think you're being quite sensible actually to consider his family dynamics, because you see so many women on here whose lives are being made miserable by partners being ruled by their toxic families.

It really depends on how dominated by them he is, and what your mutual expectations are.

That said, you're pretty young to settle down, isn't there stuff you want to do first?

Yeah I'm way too young to settle down but I dont want to waste mine or his time. I want to travel and do other things, currently completing a degree so just looking for advise x
OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 24/04/2021 13:17

Looking at all the threads on here about interfering in-laws and this is not immature at all.

I could not live with someone that reverted to victim mentality in times of stress or crises. Life throws us all curveballs. You need someone that you can rely on for support when you need it and vice versa.

HeeHawSeeSaw · 24/04/2021 13:22

If you are thinking of your partners family as 'these types of families' then maybe its best to call it off. He didn't ask to be born into that family , and if his future wife is thinking of his family as 'these types' he is better off with someone else .

Zancah · 24/04/2021 13:22

In what way would you be “marrying into” his family?

Are you for real? How many threads on her are from wives whose lives are made a misery by DHs family?! We literally have about 20 threads a day on the subject.
My DH definitely came as a package deal with his family. They aren't toxic per se, but definitely overstep boundaries and make things bloody hard work.
If I knew then what I know now I'd have walked.

flatsurfandmil · 24/04/2021 13:22

Do you want to marry him? Or do you just want to be married. Have seen lots of people break up because they were very keen to get married at all costs.

You say you don't want to be stuck with his family, fair enough your choice. But it's not just his family is it? You say he has victim mentality. That's him - regardless of his family. Even if he was away from them he was still be like that tbh unless he makes conscious effort to change

Allwokedup · 24/04/2021 13:31

If you really really loved him, you’d be willing to see past his family, in marriage you love them through thick and thin. I’ve been with my husband since 22 we still lived our lives and had a great time, got married in 30s had kids etc. My long winded post is basically saying if you’re having doubts in the early stages it’s probably not right.

Sunflowergirl1 · 24/04/2021 13:38

@Pinkie98

"His family is very dysfunctional and toxic and I've told him I don't want to marry into that. Would it be wrong of me to end things based on the fact that I want to get married but not into this type of family?"

First if all please do t get married when you are only 22. You have your life ahead of you and you will be totally different in a few years.

Second,y, yes if you are uncomfortable around his family, that is a red flag as families can create havoc and stress in relationships. At your age..plenty of less complicated and more attractive fish in the sea

category12 · 24/04/2021 13:46

I think the "if you really loved him" argument is a lot of romanticised tosh we could do with throwing out of women's lives. We're not helpless or damned to be stupid in the face of love: people shouldn't ignore issues that could spoil their lives for the utter claptrap that is "love conquers all". Spoiler alert - it doesn't.

litterbird · 24/04/2021 13:46

Dont even think about marriage until you are in your late 20s early 30s. If the family is a problem for you now its will be an even bigger problem later. Walk away, go and have a ton of fun, go overseas, see the world, have a blast and when thats all done then think about settling down!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/04/2021 13:50

@category12

I think you're being quite sensible actually to consider his family dynamics, because you see so many women on here whose lives are being made miserable by partners being ruled by their toxic families.

It really depends on how dominated by them he is, and what your mutual expectations are.

That said, you're pretty young to settle down, isn't there stuff you want to do first?

THIS! You have only to read this section to see how many women are miserable or even divorce due to their spouse's allowing his family to rule the roost. Love does not conquer all, that romanticised bullshit.
Tomyoneandonly · 24/04/2021 15:37

If your bf is prepared to walk away from his family to marry you then yes I would marry. Bearing in mind you are both still young you can both travel and experience things together which will strengthen your relationship before haveing dc. He would need to walk away from his family and then you will be his family. If that makes sense?

Allwokedup · 24/04/2021 15:59

@category12 uhhh I didn’t say any of that? My point was after 18 months and being 22 you wouldn’t be having these doubts if it’s right.

DariaMorgendorffer · 24/04/2021 16:07

I think op is wise to consider the wider family, dynamics and values. Even if these things may not have much immediate influence on a couples relationship, they may In future, and particularly when/if the couple have children- these people will be your children's family, and that will impact your child, whether they're close or distance.

OldWomanSaysThis · 24/04/2021 17:04

A toxic in-law family can ruin a marriage.
But, it sounds like this man has already been negatively impacted by his family. No matter the origin of his behavior, if you aren't crazy about it, then move on.

category12 · 24/04/2021 18:22

Seems like the logical implication of "if you really loved him you'd see past his family" Hmm

LivBa · 25/04/2021 13:07

@mcmooberry

I would advise you walk away from this, especially as you are already finding some of his traits wearisome.
Exactly. And the traits described are more than wearisome. They're very concerning and OP is already seeing these in him so early on. A lot of posters don't seem to have read the OP's post properly and have wrongly jumped to judge her Confused This is EXACTLY how so many women end up in abusive or unhealthy marriages, because they don't jump ship when the red flags start flying. Well done OP on noticing these important signs.

People, especially men, tend to replicate their childhoods and lessons they've learnt from their families - this has been established scientifically. Being able to resolve conflict reasonably and be an emotionally healthy husband and father is vital for a successful relationship and shared parenthood.

My own mother married a man with a toxic family and guess what, despite acting differently before marriage, he ended up replicating most of his childhood/family traits and has severely damaged my family, including my siblings which is incredibly sad. My parents ended up divorced too. Plus she had to deal with the toxic family during the marriage which in itself is a significant burden , especially when your partner still maintains a relationship with them.

@Pinkie98 please ignore the others. I would strongly advise you leave him and find a man who comes from a healthier family dynamic. You're very young and have plenty of time. Believe me, you'll look back and be very glad you didn't commit to this guy.

Allwokedup · 25/04/2021 13:15

@category12 well yeah she would. A bad family doesn’t have to be a deal breaker it’s not like infidelity or abuse. If she really wanted to be with him it would be stupid to want to break up over someone’s family.

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