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Original poster

I want to get married but...

51 replies

Pinkie98 · 24/04/2021 09:48

So, I would like to get married in the future (currently 22). Me and my bf (24) have been together for about 18 months and we have discussed marriage. His family is very dysfunctional and toxic and I've told him I don't want to marry into that. Would it be wrong of me to end things based on the fact that I want to get married but not into this type of family? Or can people have successful marriages marrying into these types of families?

I don't want to end up feeling resentful or anything and it's not my bf's fault that his family are like this, but the way the family is and they way they grew up, has sort of affected him and his mentality. He sometimes has a victim mentality and when we have disagreements he tends to feel sorry for himself which can be draining.

Any advice would be appreciated thank you :)

OP posts:
LivBa · 25/04/2021 13:21

@category12

I think the "if you really loved him" argument is a lot of romanticised tosh we could do with throwing out of women's lives. We're not helpless or damned to be stupid in the face of love: people shouldn't ignore issues that could spoil their lives for the utter claptrap that is "love conquers all". Spoiler alert - it doesn't.
Exactly category12.

And @Allwokedup why is it one way that the woman has to suffer all this if "she really loved him"? You can equally say, if HE really loved her , he would have stopped his toxic victim mentality, go to therapy and not the expect the OP and their future children to suffer the impacts of his toxic and dysfunctional family.
Women are not put into this world to sacrifice their wellbeing so toxic and dysfunctional men and their families can have relationships. OP has every right to think about how her and any future children will be impacted and suffer due such dynamics and seek to find someone healthier rather than continue the toxic generational cycle.

Allwokedup · 25/04/2021 13:25

@LivBa yeah sure. She can leave if she wants to. Sounds like she wants to.

You can def tell on here who really want to the see the worst in everyone (especially men).

category12 · 25/04/2021 13:29

[quote Allwokedup]@category12 well yeah she would. A bad family doesn’t have to be a deal breaker it’s not like infidelity or abuse. If she really wanted to be with him it would be stupid to want to break up over someone’s family.[/quote]
It really wouldn't. Better to give it a miss before you get in too deep than have to live with a toxic family dynamic - and it is continuing a cycle of abuse if the toxicity of the family is visited on the partners and potentially children of the relationship. Love isn't so special that only one person will do, especially at 22.

ladysunshine · 25/04/2021 13:46

If you have children, his family will be a direct influence on them.
If you split up, they will have access to them for 50% of the time.

How do you feel about the way your BF has turned out?
Is this what you want for your children?

Look carefully at your BF and his family - and choose your children's father & future more carefully... while you still have that choice.

Deftly · 26/04/2021 11:53

It's perfectly okay to be in a relationship with a sort of 'alright for now but not forever' attitude as long as you're both on the same page. You're young and have time to waste and you'll be learning from this relationship what you want to avoid in the future. Don't make any commitments like a mortgage, children or debts.

Family dynamics can be a real indicator of what you can expect in the future of your relationship, learned behaviour etc. I was in an awful relationship in my early 20's with what I now recognise as a misogynistic manipulator. With retrospect, his father was an overt misogynist, as was his father before him, and both of their wives just tolerated it. Undoubtedly, this is what he would have expected of me and I can see that through his behaviour in our early relationship this is what he'd be gearing up to, although I didn't see it at the time. I now cross myself that I didn't make any commitments and got out unscathed.

My now DH's family is the complete opposite, particularly his father, and that's how I knew he was the right person to build a life with.

JemimaJoy · 26/04/2021 11:57

You marry a person, not their family.

Please don't consider marriage. You don't love him and he deserves better.

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 26/04/2021 13:56

@LivBa as I mentioned earlier, me and my bf have only been together 18 months and already, his toxic brother and his wife have been spreading rumours that I beat up my bf and that he beat me. It makes me question the family dynamic

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 26/04/2021 15:36

I think you have other things you want to do - travel etc. I would end it x

Wanderlusto · 26/04/2021 15:48

Contrary to some other posters, i actually think you are being very mature to consider these things.

I absolutely would not marry into a toxic family. Not unless we both were prepared to move to the other side of the country and cut all contact with them at least. And even then it's a risk unless you know he is doing it for himself and not just because you want him to.

As is, it already sounds like their toxic is affecting your life and your relationship. It may be time to walk away.

PicsInRed · 26/04/2021 16:00

If he's already clearly taking after them, you would be wise to leave and foolish to stay.

All this "loves wins over all" nonsense comes from a place of innocent naivety (or defensiveness borne of a similarly toxic dynamic they cannot escape or recognise).

FaceyRomford · 26/04/2021 19:58

If you need to ask the question, you should get out of the relationship.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/04/2021 20:04

@PicsInRed

If he's already clearly taking after them, you would be wise to leave and foolish to stay.

All this "loves wins over all" nonsense comes from a place of innocent naivety (or defensiveness borne of a similarly toxic dynamic they cannot escape or recognise).

I totally agree with this and OP - you are being mature, sensible and responsible to be considering all things when thinking about your future.

Based on your most recent post, if he is still in touch with people in his family who are spreading rumours you are an abuser, I would end the relationship.

Not least because if, even if it's ten years down the line, those kind of lying and meddling people are NOT the kind you want around when you have children. They'll use them as pawns and manipulate familial dynamics.

Again, you're sensible and 'love' doesn't conquer all in real life, especially not in a relatively new relationship at a relatively young age.

You sound ace, don't undervalue yourself and think the stuff they've pulled is in any way normal or acceptable on any level. They've told people you've committed a crime, repeatedly Thanks

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/04/2021 15:12

@Wanderlusto I don't think he'd want to move far away. His mom suffers from severe anxiety and depression so she can't do anything without having an anxiety attack so I think he'd want to stay local to take care of her. I can't ask him to choose, of course I'd want him to take care of his mom, but staying around negativity is not something I am willing to do for the sake of the relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/04/2021 15:22

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you for your kind words, I need to take time to think things through. I'm not an assertive person and always afraid of hurting peoples feelings so atm, ending things seems really hard

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 28/04/2021 15:24

If you are having doubts it’s probably best you end it sooner rather than later.

DateXY · 28/04/2021 15:53

@PicsInRed

If he's already clearly taking after them, you would be wise to leave and foolish to stay.

All this "loves wins over all" nonsense comes from a place of innocent naivety (or defensiveness borne of a similarly toxic dynamic they cannot escape or recognise).

Exactly @PicsInRed. It's precisely those naive women/people who are easy targets for abusers and men from unhealthy relationship backgrounds, who know they will put up with such behaviours and are blind to it. And there's an air from some that since they would put up with it, other women should too. Unsurprisingly enough, I see a lot fewer men tolerant of such toxic behaviours from women!

I'm so glad OP is ignoring such people and will hopefully be forging ahead for the sort of healthy relationship dynamics and role models that she and any future children deserve. I myself grew up in a toxic family on my father's side which affected all of us horribly.

Even as an adult, I'm so frustrated that my mother ignored clear warning signs early on in the relationship with my father and we've all suffered as a result, even still as adults. Don't make the same mistake she did OP @Pinkie98 She had exactly the same attitude as these naive posters who are trying to guilt you into staying. She's said herself so many times that her relationship/marriage has been the biggest mistake of her life.

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/04/2021 16:04

@DateXY can't remember if I mentioned before but my bf tends to feel sorry for himself a lot and sometimes uses his past relationshipnas an excuse "I've been cheated on before so I'm delicate" not sure if this is a red flag or something I need to be patient with. Certain behaviours of his make be a little worried but Idk how to put it into words. We almost broke up last week and then I got so emotional that I didn't go through with it, idk what to do

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 28/04/2021 16:06

Sounds like you need a break from him so that you can see clearly.
Beware of being emotionally blackmailed.

Puddington · 28/04/2021 16:26

Your bf honestly sounds like he has issues of his own that could be a reason for a breakup, sounds like a lot of hassle you don't need and you deserve better. But even if he was the most well-adjusted person in the world his family sound like a nightmare and you're quite right to take that into consideration. Some people can come from toxic families and distance themselves and not have it affect their life a great deal, but many people can't.

My ex's family were extremely dysfunctional and his dad was (emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically) abusive, and instead of seeing how shittily he had been treated growing up my ex continued to desperately seek their approval and acceptance until well into his late 20s (and probably beyond that after we broke up). He was overly involved with them even though they couldn't be bothered with him and only spoke to him when they needed something. They also spoke about me behind my back from time to time which infuriated me tbh. We had some other issues in our relationship (tbh he was starting to turn into his dad) but I thank my lucky stars frequently I don't have to deal with that family ever again.

OpheliasCrayon · 28/04/2021 16:33

I broke up with someone when I was your age because quite frankly their family were beyond boring. I had a suspicion that he was as well, and things were just exciting because they were new...when it turned out I was right then I knew I'd made the right choice.
However....... Not me marrying into a dysfunctional family but my DH married me and my dad and his side are as dysfunctional as they come and have had an impact on our family fairly recently. But he married me .... So..... I'm on the fence really about what you should do.

DuvetCaterpillar · 28/04/2021 16:35

Project forward a bit OP. If marriage is for life, do you want to be closely engaged with these people for the next fifty years, taking up your headspace? Perhaps even jointly caring for some of these people in their advanced years? If you died young, would you want this man and his family to be raising your future child? You're only 18 months in, and you still have thousands of people to meet in your life. If you aren't sure, don't linger, you have time on your hands and things to do.

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 29/04/2021 13:38

@DuvetCaterpillar yeah I'm on the fence with the relationship if I'm honest. I love him but I have to consider other things that can affect the future. As I mentioned in a previous post, my bf's brother and wife spread rumors about me saying that I beat him up and even though it was only once, it was exhausting

OP posts:
saltychoc · 29/04/2021 19:25

You definitely shouldn't be thinking of settling down when you are 22.
He doesn't sound that great a catch - certainly not wasting your youth on.
Go and have fun.

Re the family. A ex of mine had a toxic family (very well hidden) and boy did it come out in the wash and he was actually just like them (again this was concealed). I now have a rule that I only want to be in a relationship with someone who comes from a reasonably healthy family dynamic - not at least has had a lot of therapy! Your upbringing affects us all and has consequences in your closest relationship so it's a red flag from me.

Suzi888 · 29/04/2021 19:32

@Bluntness100

Um. You marry the person not the family, sounds like you want to get married for the sake of it, not you want to marry him

This is a very immature post. End the relationship if you’re not happy.

^ Agree with this.
CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 19:59

I think all your reservations are telling you to end it. I think that him playing the victim to emotionally blackmail you into staying with him Is is a major red flag. If he is already dragging you down and manipulating you already at 22 imagine if you were more involved with him it might feel impossible to get away. You will end up heavily involved with his family if you have a family with him and they are already spreading lies about you. You can find a relationship where you are full of happiness and excitement about the future. You just don’t need this and you would be very wise to end it and look out for somebody with a family that like and respect you and a man who has some emotional maturity to build a life with. If you are a long way off settling down look for a relationship where there is much more fun and happiness and less negativity from your boyfriend and his family.