I want to get married but...

[Pinkie98]

So, I would like to get married in the future (currently 22). Me and my bf (24) have been together for about 18 months and we have discussed marriage. His family is very dysfunctional and toxic and I've told him I don't want to marry into that. Would it be wrong of me to end things based on the fact that I want to get married but not into this type of family? Or can people have successful marriages marrying into these types of families?

I don't want to end up feeling resentful or anything and it's not my bf's fault that his family are like this, but the way the family is and they way they grew up, has sort of affected him and his mentality. He sometimes has a victim mentality and when we have disagreements he tends to feel sorry for himself which can be draining.

Any advice would be appreciated thank you :)

Hi @Pinkie98 I'm sorry to hear about the rumour spreading, that sounds really difficult. By way of contrast, my in-laws drive me bonkers sometimes, but they're good people and would never do anything like that, and I venture most people's wouldn't either. Many, perhaps most, families are much less drama than the one you describe, and I think you're being clear sighted to consider this now.

As an aside, I disagree with the posters who say you marry only the man, not the family. I'm from an Indian background so that influences my answer (we definitely move in herds!) but I think you do find yourself connected with your partner's family, as he does yours. Even if you never meet or speak to them, where do you think he learned his values, how to resolve conflicts, attitudes to money, relationships and basically all the fundamental aspects of life and character? His family won't be his only influence, but they'll be a pretty massive one. Is this an influence you want to have as a major theme in your life?