Partner angry at me - who is in the wrong?

[Coconutalmond]

I am a nurse and returned to the NHS a few months ago after a few years out of practice. I originally left the NHS because of the stress and dissatisfaction I felt with the care I could give. However, no other job has felt right, and being a nurse has always felt like what I am meant to do.

So I started my new nursing job a few months ago, and unfortunately it has been everything I feared. Lack of support, unsafe working conditions etc. I have already spoken to my line manager about this, and although my manager is lovely, there hasnt been much she can do.

This has led me to feel very anxious about work, the day before my shift I start to feel the anxiety and dread come on. I have been finding it really difficult to sleep, and have had an upset stomach and migraines from the stress and worry.

I know that no job is worth me feeling like this, so I 100% intend to think about my plan going forward, and I'm going to talk to my manager on my Monday about what she can offer me in terms of more support for my return to practice, if not, I know I will have to put my health first and leave.

My partner has been on the whole supportive during this time. Helping to encourage and comfort me when I'm feeling anxious. He downloaded the calm app on his phone and we have been listening to that every night together, which we have both found helpful in helping us sleep.

Thursday night was absolutely horrendous. I was awake all night, tried everything to help me relax, lavender, bubble bath before bed, reading, listening to the calm app, but I was so anxious I couldnt sleep. I felt like I was going to be sick all night.

As my alarm went off at 5.50am, I burst into tears at the thought of a 14 hour day on zero sleep, not knowing what I was going to be facing going into the hospital.

My partner (probably thought they were being encouraging) was saying that it was just "one day" and that I can do it. This was making me feel more upset, because I thought it isn't just one day, it is every day after that, and I physically and mentally can't do it on zero sleep. I felt unsafe to even drive let alone be responsible for peoples lives.

He was a bit short tempered, understandable as my tossing and turning had kept him awake. I was very distressed and said that I couldnt go into work, I'd have to call in sick. I felt he was annoyed by this and he told me he didnt agree with that, that I would just feel worse if I did that, and I should go.

This made me feel more upset as I felt like he didnt understand how damaging this job has been for me mentally, and all I wanted was for him to support me. The pressure from him to have to go to work felt upsetting when I was already in such an anxious state.

I told him that I didnt feel he was being supportive and that I felt really unwell. He then got really annoyed at me and left the bedroom.

I called in sick.

I went downstairs and he said that I kept him awake all night, and that he cant just take the day off like me and he has work to do too. He said that I don't think about him, that all I do is think about myself.

I was quite shocked as i didnt understand why this had escalated. I said that I was sorry for keeping him awake, that I was trying to sleep, but perhaps I should have just gone downstairs.

He said that wasnt what I should be apologising for - I should be apologising for saying that he wasnt being supportive, because he said that he was being supportive and it was unjustified for me to say that.

He said that I'm selfish, and he cant believe how I treat him.

I was stunned to be honest as to why i was getting this. I said i felt like it would be best to speak when we have both caught up on our sleep as i didnt think talking now would be helpful. He said that I'm a joke.

Since then it has been pretty much silent treatment between us. I went out yesterday to see a friend to talk, and when I got home he has just been doing his own thing, and went to sleep.

Today I got up early and was doing the housework. When he came downstairs I actually felt sick in my tummy, nervous about if he would say anything to me.

He has gone out now and will be out all day with friends. (Pre-arranged)

Have I been unreasonable? I dont understand this reaction at all

Your boyfriend is in the wrong. Do you live together?

Have you got shared finances? Could he be worried about you being unable to earn?

My husband has had severe anxiety and to be frank, it's driven me round the bend at times. The stress his illness has put me under is enormous.

The constant reassurance and support costs me...it costs me energy and emotion and at times, I do find it hard.

If your partner has been supporting you a lot, he probably got tired...and if you share finances, then he might be worried about money in the future.

Personally I would’ve gone into a spare room or downstairs if I was tossing and turning all night and knew my partner had to work all day today. He does sound like he has been supportive downloading and listening to the app with you and also trying to say things like it’s only one day. I understand this didn’t help but he wasn’t mean or nasty to you.

I suffer from anxiety and I know it can be hard on my partner when I’m in a spiral about it so I do try be mindful of his feelings too.

It sounds like you need to sort some counselling. I would maybe say to him you understand he is trying to help and you’re sorry but it’s a very difficult time for you and your emotions are all over the place.

To be fair it sounds like he has been really supportive generally, so at one little blip of losing his patience a bit when he's had zero sleep as well, then for you to throw the accusation at him that he was unsupportive, probably felt like a slap in the face.

I ubderstand why your anxiety is consuming you, but its maybe worth taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture about it. Your dp is probably near point of burnout from the extra energy from supporting you. Just as your reserves are low, his are not infinite either.

@FortunesFave

Have you got shared finances? Could he be worried about you being unable to earn?

My husband has had severe anxiety and to be frank, it's driven me round the bend at times. The stress his illness has put me under is enormous.

The constant reassurance and support costs me...it costs me energy and emotion and at times, I do find it hard.

If your partner has been supporting you a lot, he probably got tired...and if you share finances, then he might be worried about money in the future.

I'm sorry you feel like this about work, it sounds like you need to think about being signed off or quitting sooner rather than later. That might be frustrating your partner, if there's a lot of stress and anxiety but no definite plan to address it.

To agree with the PP, DH can suffer periodically with extreme anxiety and while I love him and I sympathize hugely, it is exhausting to support. It's not deliberate but but it becomes so selfish - everything becomes about him, and what he needs to feel better, and how I can help him. And sometimes I just don't have anything more to give because it is taking so much out of me.

He could have phrased it better, a lot better, but I can see his side of the argument too.

What are your immediate plans for dealing with this level of stress and anxiety?

People tend to be crabby when they’re tired or hungry. I suspect you keeping him up made him short tempered and he felt up to capacity with supporting you.

I am so sad to read this. Im also a nurse and left the NHS for the very reasons you have outlined. I went to see my Manager and told her that the morale was so low and staff were applying for other jobs. Her reply was.....well just because they are applying for other jobs doesnt necessarily mean they are going to get them...(!)
I now work in a private Nursing Home and while it can be stressful at times the owners are very supportive and want the best for the residents.
I wouldnt make too much of your partners tetchiness, lack of sleep does strange things... and it does sound like he has tried to be supportive of you.
Leave the job, its really not worth it.

I think your partner sounds very understanding to be honest. If he has also had a terrible sleep due to you (not your fault obviously) but then he still had to put his feelings/frustrations to one side I can see why he snapped.

I think you need to decide on staying for now and using techniques to manage the stress (as your partner has helped you with) or leave but you’re asking your partner to support you, whilst he presumably can’t see an end to it, is also not sleeping and still has to work all day. It must have grated that you then didn’t work and he had to.

I’ve been in your position. I took a promotion that left me in a permanent state of anxiety, it was awful. My husband was great to begin with but he said similar to your partner that everything revolved around me. I tried to limit how much I talked about work because I realised I was talking about it constantly.

Well, your situation isn't sustainable but I have sympathy with your partner. I can't just ring in sick either. Work ethic. Volume of work. Too few staff. If I don't go in it makes it worse for the others.

I wouldn't feel I could keep my boyfriend awake all night crying when he had work the next day too.

But that sounds very unsympathetic. I do sympathise. I've had awful jobs that I just wasn't resilient enough to handle. I got sacked luckily I think, although that hurt too! Can you resign again?

Would the slower pace of a nursing home suit you better? Less stress.

Quite frankly you are no longer fit to be a nurse and not the right person to be a nurse and should look at changing to another profession or department in the NHS.
It's not just about you either, over half our staff have been off sick during covid with various things because they can't cope and it's a massive burden on those of us who are left and who don't go off sick to pick up the slack.
Last week was a nightmare, I have complex PTSD and if I'm doing double clinics all the time it really messes with my head.
I left nursing when the 12-14 hour shifts came in because i have a disability and quite frankly cannot stand or work for that long of a day.
I did my podiatry training and now work as an NHS podiatrist.
It's still very busy but its a 7.5 hour day with all weekends and bank holidays off but if I'm not feeling well I know I can easily do a 7.5 hour day then go straight to bed and I love this job.
If you are awake all night with anxiety nursing is not the profession for you and you will eventually make a serious mistake.

If you don't want to retrain maybe think about health visiting or outpatients.

PS, having read your OP again, it's clear he tried to support you and he is frustrated. He really tried, and it wasn't enough, you still rang in sick to avoid work. So you kept him awake all night before work for nothing

I understand that you're really struggling at the moment, but he sounds like he tried hard and failing when you try hard to support somebody and to say and do the right thing is very frustrating.

OP you say My partner has been on the whole supportive during this time. Helping to encourage and comfort me when I'm feeling anxious. He downloaded the calm app on his phone and we have been listening to that every night together, which we have both found helpful in helping us sleep. It is really hard living with someone with anxiety and it sounds like he's been doing his best and has just reached his own personal threshold. Neither of you are in the wrong, but maybe cut him some slack for his anger - sleep deprivation does strange things to people. Hope things start to feel brighter for you soon.

You are being unreasonable as you chose to return to nursing and even when you realised it was the same situation you stayed. Your partner has been supportive and yet you said to him after a night you kept him awake that he wasn’t.
You need to act to change the situation as lavender baths or mindful music will not change the reality that you’re not the right fit for ward nursing. Cant you apply for some clinic roles? Or nursing homes?

I agree with your partner. He has been supportive through all your car crash decisions, stop blaming him and sort your work out. Don't want to be a nurse then find another job. It is not his fault. I can understand why he is frustrated, he has been supportive and patient for a long time, he probably had enough

“You are being unreasonable as you chose to return to nursing and even when you realised it was the same situation you stayed. Your partner has been supportive and yet you said to him after a night you kept him awake that he wasn’t.
You need to act to change the situation as lavender baths or mindful music will not change the reality that you’re not the right fit for ward nursing. Cant you apply for some clinic roles? Or nursing homes?”

This. As PP have said, while anxiety is very difficult to experience, it is also very difficult for those supporting the anxious partner and does make sufferers selfish (I speak as someone who has been the selfish sufferer). In the end, adults need to carry themselves not expect other adults to carry them. That means making career decisions which are practical, not impractical. Sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you sought treatment for your anxiety eg therapy or medication?

There's no who's right or wrong here. You need help with your anxiety. I think he was as supportive as he could be but it wasn't working for you and in the end it meant he lost out on sleep also and he has to work. What are you going to do about other days? You can't call in sick every day. I would call OH at work and discuss.

He supported you when you wanted to leave nursing and domsomething else. After seeing you get stressed and having to leave nursing, it was probably a relief to you both. Then your new career didn’t work and you wanted to go back to the work that made
You so very stressed the first time round. Which he supported you with. And supported you again. He probably could see that it wouldn’t end well but supported you none the less. You went back to nursing and straight away hit a wall and he continued to support you. Then after another exhausting night you called in sick and he had to go to work. He has done ALL of the supporting and you have done none. Not what you want to hear, but you caused this mess and now you’re upset that he is upset by it all. You need to get your head screwed on. Either you do this knowing it’s stressful and hard, and accept it, or you find something else.

I've been in your position (I am a teacher not a nurse, but same feelings of anxiety and losing sleep etc). One thing I did find helpful was doing agency work for a year or two. Daily or short term contracts. I knew that I had the power to decide day by day that I was going to work. I also knew that even if people were vile to me or management totally ineffective, I didn't have to go back to that same workplace if I didn't want to.

Depends if it works for you financially, but I found being out of a long term contract was a good compromise.

I’m with the last poster. There was no need for him to be short tempered with you but you definitely shouldn’t have said he’s unsupportive. You need to apologise for that. On top of that anxiety breeds anxiety so the longer you are off the more worried you’ll be about going back. I recommend you discuss the support you need with your workplace as soon as possible. I don’t know your background but perhaps If they are unable to give support think about working in a calmer setting, eg if you are in a hospital work in a nursing home or for a charity

I’m with the last two posters actually! Was referring to JustSleepAlready but agree with poster after that too.

He has supported you though!! Why did you tell him he was unsupportive? That was very unfair! He was exhausted too, it’s bloody stressful caring for someone with extreme anxiety.
You need to apologise to him and talk through a plan to sort out the work issues. As a nurse you could train to work in a different area of healthcare. Or do something else entirely. I nursed for 26 years, I’m now a teaching assistant in a private school. Ok the pay is rubbish, but it’s not difficult or particularly stressful, and I have the school holidays off.

It's hard with something like this as it's tricky to truly relate when you don't have these phobia-like responses to things.

It sounds like he's just got to a point where it's too much and he needs to enjoy space for a while. Hopefully after today he'll be able to re-engage.

I will say that if you are a practical type, naturally confident or an optimist who routinely shrugs off things where it's possible to do so, dealing with someone who can't do these things and whose default is doom and pessimism, it can be really draining. I think your BF needs time to himself to shake off the weight.

It's not really a question of who is right. You feel how you feel.
But it was hugely unfair of you to throw that unsupportive thing in his face because it's simply not true.

Living with someone who has anxiety is draining. I think it was incredibly harsh and unfair of you to call him unsupportive when clearly he has been the opposite throughout you returning to work to a job you knew might trigger you. I feel he was right to encourage you to go to work – it sounds like you have anticipatory anxiety and therefore the idea of something will always feel worse and the more you avoid something, the bigger an ordeal it becomes.

He sounds like a good partner. I think you need to apologise and the next time you can't sleep, decamp to the sofa so it doesn't disturb him too if he has to work the next day.